AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

Disgusting? Well life isn’t one straight easy path, is it? There are bumps, finances can take a hit, divorce, bankruptcy, job loss. Not everyone can?put cash aside for university “ top ups”.

Because they have very intense terms and working wouldn’t be conducive to that.

So it’s not the norm then, as in your own words 70% of students don’t live at home.

I would also suspect living at home would be much more common at lower tariff institutions. It’s certainly not common to have large numbers commuting at the likes of Durham, Edinburgh, Bristol or Nottingham.

The other factor is selfish parents who prioritise all inclusive in Turkey or new Range Rovers.

If the reason is financial, he can live in the cheapest accommodation available and live off of baked beans. I can sympathise if the reason is financial, but I'd certainly hope you'd only be "suggesting" instead of "pressuring".

If the reason is not financial, you are being absolutely and utterly ridiculous pressuring him.

Overall, YABU.

tbh @SassyBear2 depending on salary breakdown between parents, your HH take home will be between £5 and £6k per month. Even if you have other DC and a high mortgage, surely you can make it work to support your DS to the tune of £500-600 of that per month?

I don't think you have clarified which year he is in btw? Bc yr 12 or yr 13 makes a big difference – if yr 13 then this convo is pretty moot.

My yp lives about 40 minutes drive away from their uni but still chose to live in halls. It's been brilliant for them, they have grown so much and their confidence increase has been amazing to see. However they knew that they would have to find their own outgoings. Their rent is covered by their loan, their food is covered by us but anything else has to be funded so they work during their holidays.

I forgot to say, I commuted to uni because I was living with my boyfriend. I wish I'd lived in halls

Sorry, but this is a cost that you have known for years is coming up.

When I was at Cambridge it was expected you’d live in student accommodation and be fully integrated into College life. One of the guys who studied my subject in my year was from Ely, which is nearby, but there would have been no question of his not living in College.

Don't be a smother. Eeew.

This.

I think you’ve had a bit of a rough ride, OP. I recognise some of the most thoughtful and moderate posts from @clary and other regular contributors to the HE Board. But for my own reasons I join the consensus.

I have been assuming that DS is Y12.

In no particular order, here are some thoughts that have not been done to death above.

The Engineering course at Oxford is very well regarded but not specialised. In this sense Cambridge is indeed a better choice. The area is also full of tech companies and there is good potential for well paying summer employment.

If DS wants to earn during a gap year he will need to check whether each if his top choices permit this. It is slowly becoming more acceptable in STEM but many still do not.

You say DS could commute by car to Oxford in about an hour. If that is to the city, it is likely another 20-40 min to get where he needs to be. In very stressful traffic or a tiresome Park and Ride system. Plus parking fees! Now his commute is really more like three hours daily, which is very high on top of his long working hours.

Intercity train commuting has its own set of problems, and I write as one who knows.

You mentioned that living at home would be for later. But that’s when he is likely to have the most group work, and evenings are prime time for this. Also unless DS is teetotal -which about 25% of UGs are now - the need to drive home will severely affect his social life.

As a potential EE student DS may already be able to start earning. Perhaps this Xmas or sooner he could go into business helping people with their tech? I think even a HS pupil who is good with tech and reasonably personable and professional could easily command £20+/hr helping families to efficiently get their Xmas tech up and running.
Maybe do a couple of volunteer jobs for charities or even his school or college to get some good references first.

Southampton, where I don’t know CoL, Glasgow (where DS could likely do Y2 entry), Lancaster and Sheffield all have top EE programmes and CoL at the last three is quite reasonable, particularly at Sheffield. Leeds is also very good but perhaps a bit more expensive (?)

EE is a more stable field than many areas of tech with excellent prospects. I would support DS to the full extent practicable for your family circumstances. If DS is particularly concerned about employment, a degree programme offering a year’s industrial placement may be worth considering.

No matter where DS ends up I would expect him to be able to work during the summers.
Best wishes to him

I've said twice now its the norm HERE, you seemed to have missed that.

You also appear to be speaking from a position of privilege and have a lack of awareness. Range rovers and all inclusive holidays 🤣

There will absolutely be many households who have an income of £90k like the OP’s who have Range Rovers and go on all inclusive holidays.

Like I said in my earlier post, I didn't mention the OPs personal circumstances. I spoke about my daughter and how virtually everyone here is living at home now because people simply can't afford it.

That's our experience. And more and more students are following suit in an attempt to avoid soaring costs. Given that the Higher Education Policy Institute says even the maximum loan only covers 50% of costs then you can't blame them. People can't just magic up £10k when they are struggling with their own mortgage.

Living away is fast becoming the within the reach of the wealthy only.

Here could be anywhere, but the national picture speaks for itself - as you say, 70% live away from home. That is huge. I really doubt that most of those students, or even a third of them, will be from wealthy backgrounds.

I think you make a valid point here. We are living in a climate where money doesn’t go far at all. We don’t know what the OP’s outgoings are. So even a seemingly large combined salary, may not stretch to fund her DS’s studies.

I'm not convinced it is. The cheapest university owned accommodation where DD is at university is £173 a week. She is currently in a private flat rental costing £550 a month. With bills the cost is pretty much the same.

Are you talking about Oxbridge colleges or general university halls?

We're talking about Oxbridge colleges.

I simply gave an outline of our experience in our area and its not the norm to live away now. I did back in the day but our kids aren't and that is principally down to economics.

I guess it depends on what your perspective of wealth is. Its well recognised that less than 20% of students come from lower socio economic classes. So it would appear that most dont even have the opportunity to go in the first place let alone to live away.

Because terms are short (eight weeks) and demanding, and the universities want students to concentrate on their studies.

Oxbridge is considerably cheaper and offers a lot of financial support to lower income (not even that low!) families.

They are trying to accommodate students from poorer backgrounds in a way other Universities aren't.
I guess because they are both wealthy and perennially popular so they can afford to.

Your DS should choose the best fit for him & good there

Please do NOT make him go to a uni of your choosing

Has he looked round any unis himself in person ?

Then the students are either receiving a good amount of SF, or they are working a job alongside their studies, or they have taken time out, to work
and then study.

You don't always get given the cheapest accommodation even if you request it.

My nephew applied for the cheapest but ended up in the most expensive Hall which he hadn't even put down on his accommodation application.

He will be doing the studying for 3 years or more

It is his choice, his life

Has he visited any unis in person ???

I travelled by train & visited lots before I applied

I also joined lots of clubs & made life long friends