AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

Are you not planning to top his loan up at all despite having a decent household income?

Why would you pressure your DS to apply to Oxford if Cambridge is the better degree? It’s not just about the ‘uni’ experience, it’s about making connections that will help. Engineering especially - Cambridge has the links to companies, some of which offer holiday-time jobs to students (both paid & not). These all help when it comes to their future careers.

I get it that you’re worried. I had to wave off my DD to a specialist course that was a 5 hour drive from home. It was hard, but it was the best for her career.

But if Cambridge is best, let him apply. As others have said, it may mean sacrifices but our job as parents is to enable our children to fly.

Absolutely appalling. He will only receive the minimum loan because you are responsible for funding the rest of the costs.

Living away from home is a huge part of the experience, particularly at Oxbridge.

As someone whose parents did this to me, please don't.

That's not possible for many people these days.

Out of DD group only 2 have moved into halls, the other 7 are living at home and commuting. Its the norm now here.

Not allowed at Oxford and Cambridge.

It certainly isn’t the norm to stay at home and absolutely shouldn’t be.

The maintenance system should be better, but equally many parents need to take responsibility. The OP’s household earns £90k, which is significantly above average and yet apparently has no money to ensure her DS can access university?

@SassyBear2 would you be okay in saying where in the UK you are based? I can then advise better.

I did EEE in India many years ago. Back then virtually no one moved out for uni. We all just lived with family and went to the near one.

Main thing is the education he receives.

People have bills to pay, mortgages to pay and we high earnings are taxed quite a bit. Not everyone is rolling around in luxury

@SassyBear2 YABU to pressure your son, about anything.

YANBU to have financial concerns.

I was able to work part time during my degree course at Durham as my parents couldn't afford to "top me up". I worked term time as well, and summers/Easters also.

I didnt die for missing out on 10 foam parties.

Have a good re-look at your finances, determine what you can afford and then have another chat with DS.

Also you travelling back and forth a few hours each way shouldn't be the obstacle to him getting a better, more relevant degree that will set him up for life.

YABVU. If he goes to Oxbridge he can’t live at home at least in first year - they basically insist you live in college.

If Cambridge is the best place to go then that’s where he should apply. He can take out the Govt student loan and work in the summer before uni for money to live on. If he’s a bright lad he needs to go to the best possible uni, and if that’s Cambridge then that’s where he should apply.

Don’t make him live at home, it’s not fair and not the full experience.

OP, yanbu to sit down with him and ask him how HE will fund this.
He is not entitled to be funded by you to go off to have an university experience, if he has local options he can commute from.
Lots of students do.
In your shoes I would spell that out to him.
He sounds a bit entitled and presumptuous.

Where we live it really isn’t normal. Out of 12 girls in dds high school year group only 2 moved out for uni. In dd’s friendship circle at uni only 3 have moved out and that’s out of 14 people.

neither ds or dd moved out for uni, my friends children have all lived at home too.

we are lucky that we live in a place that has quite a few amazing universities within an hours commute.

Indeed but people should still support their DC at University
There are 18 years to prepare
The system is based on parents topping up to at least the maximum loan level and not to do that is disgusting

The entire system is based on the assumption that parents who can afford to help support their children will do so. Pretty shit for those whose parents choose not to.

Where is "here"?

It really does depend where you live.

We are rural so DD did need to move into halls because public transport to our nearest university is only hourly and unreliable (and this university didn't do her course anyway).

That is nonsense as the system is based on the assumption that parents will help provide funding.

The OP’s household earns well above average and should be looking at how they can support her DS rather than limiting his options.

I do get that. Believe me I hate the current system so I’m not defending it but that’s the reality we have and have had for a long time now. It shouldn’t be coming as a shock.

If parents know or suspect their income means a child won’t get a full loan (which is too low to cover all costs anyway) then they need to try and think how they’ll plan for this.

Too many families start freaking out when their teen is in year 12 or even 13 about how to manage uni costs.

As has been pointed out, lots of students work but Oxbridge students can’t and many do long uni days.

I worked but couldn’t manage this on a full time placement which was a large part of years 2 and 3. It just wasn’t possible to do more than the odd shift.

At 17, your DS needs to start making his own decisions, OP. He will also get advice from school/college, where there are people dealing with university applications every year. Please let him be free to direct his own path in life, and stand back so he can talk to you freely about what he wants to do.

YABVU. Let the poor lad do as he wishes.
If money is the concern, just lay out for him the extent you’ll be able to support him financially (or not). Then it’s up to him.
If he needs more than you can give, he’ll just have to get a job. Again, his choice.

@BeachLife2 was this very unnecessarily angry post intended for me?

Are you ok?

Did you read my post?

Why are you calling my lived experience “nonsense”?

My parents couldnt top me up - I was telling @SassyBear2 how i managed to plug
the gap.

No - quite the opposite. Accommodation in college is much cheaper than private rentals, most colleges you only pay for term time, and you stay there for the whole length of your course. It can be very cheap indeed. Plus the universities have a lot of bursaries, then each college also has their own bursary available

In my experience, living away for the first time is as equally important to the uni experience as the actual course.
Let him make his own decisions.
A 2-hour commute a day is long, and while perhaps tolerable in summer, would be miserable in winter. He'd also be completely cut off from any social life.

Not allowed? Why?

I didn't comment on the OPs financial circumstances but its certainly the norm here to live at home.

Its now 30% nationally and that is double what it used to be.

Its all very well saying parents should take responsibility but if they can't afford it they can't afford it. Many are struggling to keep a roof over their own head let alone another household.