AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

I can’t imagine having a child with the ability to be offered a place on the best degree course in the country for their subject and doing anything except giving them 100% support. I’d live on baked beans for three years to do that.

Oxbridge is different from other universities. You live in. You just do.

Southampton is excellent for EE.

Making someone who doesn’t want to, live at home is abusive. Dh is living proof. The pil would not let him go to Oxford or Kings (despite having offers). They insisted he live at home and take a one-hour bus ride to nearest university every day. They were quite comfortably off, they just thought living in halls was a waste of money and you certainly didn’t need to have a social life or any fun. In those days there was no social media for dh to find out how wronged he was!

Sure. I suggested yesterday OP's son could take a year out to work. But the main point is that OP should financially support her son, in light of the fact he'll get minimal maintenance loan.

Then perhaps the cheapest private rent sharing with housemates?

When you are a fresher it is harder to find housemates if you don't know anyone.

Your son needs to begin to drop the rope and move on.

When I went to uni as a mature student my mother could not understand why I wanted to leave my home city. Although we had a perfectly good university in the city I wanted to get away from my family and go lower contact with them. Leaving for uni was just an excuse to do it without acrimony. It would not have been the same to commute even though I had my own place and did not live with my parents, Leaving the city you were born in is part of the process of becoming a fully functioning adult. She was devastated when I decided to stay on for a masters and a doctorate. I found work at the uni where I graduated and so I never returned to the city of my birth save as a visitor. My family all still live there. I dont feel that they have moved on.

I experienced both living near campus and commuting. It is a very different experience. I had no social life when I commuted. I missed most of the study groups and all of the parties. I also couldn’t participate in extras such as my astronomy teacher’s « star parties » gazing at the heavens through the telescope at night.

I commuted by train, so at least I could read. Being an engineering student though, I couldn’t do homework on the train. Commuting by car would be even worse as it would be 100% lost time. Two hours a day is a LOT of time that could be spent studying.

Because the workload is very intense and crammed into 8 week terms (which is shorter than at other universities) and so the universities believe that students who are working part time jobs won't keep up with their academic work.

Is that even cheap now? Paying all year round, even for the holidays, paying expensive energy bills?

There are threads constantly on here complaining about bills rising, the cost of food rising etc - students aren't immune to this. And subsequently their parents who are helping fund them.

Even just a few years ago it was easier to be a student. It's changed a lot in recent years which is why I think young people need to really think about whether it's the right option for them.
We need better alternatives - more decent apprenticeships with jobs at the end of them.

Additionally snort at commuting to Oxford by car. Yes, commute all you like, but you’d be in the park and ride unless you were Elon Musk (or indeed Emma Watson) and could afford the city centre car parking charges. I don’t think you can rock up in your Corsa and swing in through some ancient gates and park on a nice grassy quad.

It doesn’t really matter whether it will stretch or not. Her household earns a very good income (much higher than average) and it is her responsibility to support her DS’s education.

Maybe for whatever reason, OP just can’t fund her DS’s studies. We don’t know what the family’s outgoings are.

You don’t know what the OP’s outgoings are. She may have a huge mortgage/ debts, we don’t know. What seems like a larger than average income on paper, maybe not be, in reality.

She said they aren't struggling financially.

Her mortgage costs are still her responsibility, though. A household income of £72,000 places someone in the top 10% in the country and the OP earns well above that.

I don’t know her personal finances but something has gone badly wrong if she is apparently unable to support her DC at uni on such a high income when many others on far less manage it.

I think that you have to let him go where he wants to go and where he gets into. I do sympathise though, one of my friends had to ask one of their children to stay at home as having had one child just finish uni and then 2 DC’s wanting to go at the same time, it became unviable financially.

The bar for reduced funding is extremely low, I am a single parent, work in a min wage job and have other dependents and my DC will likely not get the full maintenance loan next year as I also receive a small amount of taxable benefit as well. The amount you get for maintenance loan starts reducing with a household income of £25K!! That threshold has been frozen in cash terms since 2009!!
I am not sure how I am supposed to support my other dependents and a child in uni as a single parent on minimum wage and an income of less than £30K. DC’s course is quite intense and they have disabilities so it will make working difficult. However, they have chosen to go into halls but at a uni that is less than an hour away from home. I have encouraged it as I can see how much it will help with independence as well as the uni experience.

Oh right, missed that bit.
I don’t know then. Seems a bit odd if they aren’t struggling financially. Unless that will change if DS doesn’t stay at home to study?

I know no one who went to Oxford who lived at home. The terms are only 8 weeks and most colleges can offer accommodation. I think they may even not let you commute.

Also parking. Where would OP’s DS park if he commuted in? Unless he did park and ride.

This. I think many people's perspectives on here seem to be of university a while ago. The maintenance loan and the costs of living and rent are miles apart now....

Or...they could get themselves a part time job to fund it? I worked over my three years....didn't do me any harm.

You just get on with it and bag yourself a bit of life experience in the process.🤷‍♀️

Is this about money, OP?

As several people have pointed out, Oxbridge students are generally not permitted to have part-time jobs. Holiday jobs are also tricky as there’s a long reading list to get through, plus revision.

This often happens. There are always "when I was at university threads" that bear no resemblance to today's reality. The cost of living has changed since DD was a fresher at her first university only 6 years ago. The halls she was in are £53 a week more than when she was there.

Nowadays a lot of students are staying at home apparently to keep costs down but I would advise as parent, who provides the best course/ training opportunities and which universities have best job options.
Then if equal he needs to decide how he is going to fund it. He can get Saturday job before university and work in holidays to help fund his choice if he’s not allowed to work in term time. If he’s smart he can intern/ work as tea boy for prospective employers. You can’t decide for him and he will be happier if he’s been part of the decision making.