AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

[SassyBear2]

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

Massively unreasonable - it seems like you’ve had these conversations with him without doing any research in to the university requirements or expectations? Oxford and Cambridge have lower living costs, more support available - especially if you choose a college with this in mind. If he gets in to Cambridge he’ll have massive holidays so the option to just pay term time rent (8 weeks) and live at home, maybe have a job in the holidays.
Living at home as an undergrad is absolutely not the done thing, I’m not sure it’s even allowed. I had tutorials until 9pm some evenings and the whole experience is based around you living in college. The collegiate system is completely different to other universities.
YABVU for not taking the time to look in to this before trying to influence his uni choice.

I went to our local university because I wasn't ready to move out. It was the best decision for me and im glad I did it BUT I missed out hugely on the social side and felt quite isolated in lessons etc as didn't socialise with anyone . Luckily I had a boyfriend and group of friends outside of uni from college.

My own children,....I don't think my son will want to go to uni. He's not academic and wouldn't enjoy living away although he would enjoy the social side.
My daughter will need to go to uni for her career choice and we will support whatever decision she makes but again I can't really see her wanting to move too far away.
In your circumstances you need to let him live on campus

I don’t think he will be able to live at home and commute to Oxford. They don’t like it and will advise against it. They also have residency requirements https://www.ox.ac.uk/students/life/residency

I have one in uni now and one who has just finished a Masters.

Both went away for undergrad. DS1 came back for his Masters in London as we lived as close to the uni as some of the halls. The life skills they learnt / are learning from being away are huge. DS2 is cooking and shopping despite being nearly blind, they both learned to budget and plan. The other intangible they gained was the ability to get along with and manage people, when you are in shared accommodation you learn to compromise and to modulate your behaviour in a way you don’t have to with your parents.

The other issue I can see with a longish commute is sports and clubs. Uni sports and clubs are a great way of making friends and getting involved. I was in a uni sports club and so are/were both of my DS. A lot of events and socials will revolve around these clubs in the evenings and weekends, same for training. It would be challenging to get fully involved if you have an hour commute.

Is your DS applying this year as the Oxbridge deadline is soon?

If he can't live on what he gets from you and in loans he gets a job. That's what happens for most children. While it's bloody annoying being saddled with massive debt as a young adult its life for most people without wealthy parents.

Commuting an hour each way for university is also going to massively reduce his ability to enjoy life. I did university as a mature student, did it 9-5. I missed out on so much, including making friends and useful connections.

YANBU.

We live in London. The rule is they can apply to Oxbridge, if they don't get in they'll go to one of the lab London unis nearby. One year in halls. Rest at home.

Yes, YABU to pressure him to stay at home if he's researched courses and the better option is further away from home. However, presumably you want him to live at home purely because of the cost? You may have taken this approach already but, if not, I'd speak to him as an adult rather than pressuring him - you would love to support him but can only afford £x financially. He will have to figure out the shortfall. (Appreciate it's a bit late now and this conversation should have been had a couple of years ago, but you are where you are. Can he defer and work full time for a year, if he can't afford the shortfall immediately?)

We are based in the NW and
DD is at university in Bath. She could have studied the same course in Manchester or Liverpool ( both commutable cities) but she fell in love with Bath at first sight. I think part of the reason she chose Bath, was because she socialises in Manchester and Liverpool frequently when home and wanted to explore a totally new part of the country.

The key difference is, that DD receives a substantial amount of student loan for living expenses. She also works
during the holidays and reading week etc. DD knows of people who have gone to uni more locally because they don’t get much in the way of a living expenses loan and they seem to have got on okay.

All I can say is, that by living away from home, DD has grown up quickly and has developed a new set of life skills which include budgeting and being extremely “ travel savvy”.

Moving out to uni is normal and enables him to learn a lot of life lessons/ how to look after himself etc before properly being in the real world.

an hour with no traffic to uni is a long commute. It will stop him from properly being able to get involved (sports clubs etc) or having a social life. How will he get home from a night out at 3 in the morning?

Why would the parties die out after the first year?

if it’s about saving money why are you encouraging London, surely that’s more expensive. He be better off looking at northern universities

@SassyBear2 Warwick university is just outside Coventry where student accommodation is pretty plentiful and reasonably priced.

You are being very unreasonable. By all means help and support him but ultimately he’s got to be allowed to make his own life choices. One of my sons went to a uni about 30 minutes away. He moved out which is perfectly normal.

Oxford and Cambridge terms are especially short. He will be missing out on so much of the life and opportunities there if he has to commute an hour each way. Can he not get a job in the vacations (including summer after A levels) and/or industry gap year to build expecially and savings? If he's that calibre Id have thought there would also be an opportunity to apply for corporate sponsorship

Can he take a gap year, get a job and save for his studies?

Don't do this.

My parents did this to me, to the point of saying they wouldn't sign or given any info for the forms for them to assess the fees etc (wasn't a set fee then but based on household income).

I still resent them for it.

If it's money then he can work part time to supplement it. If he wants/needs to go to uni let him have the experience he wants, don't marr it with your demands of being closer to home. I have no friends from my uni days and I do think a big part of this was because I wasn't around as much and dint have the same freedoms to enjoy that time of my life.

I don't think Oxford would let you commute anyway

All of which makes my final point even more relevant!

commuting an hour to uni every day is unreasonable, especially as it’s Oxford where his workload will be high and living in college is very much part of the experience. Also if he gets in to Cambridge I think you do everything you can to get him there tbh.
Distance is a factor though, we will probably encourage DD to apply to places that are an easy train journey/drive away so it’s more practical. Also possibly to put our local uni down as the insurance choice.
If she had her heart set on somewhere further afield I wouldn’t stand in her way though.

There do seem to be more Uni students living at home now than there used to be, I have seen friends DC choose to stay at home to save money. Some also commute in for 1-2 days when they have lectures and stay in a Premier Inn etc as that is cheaper than halls.

DD is looking at Uni's for next year. She could commute to Exeter Uni, but the last bus is 6, the last train is 9. She has no social life now and I don't want that continue for another 3-4 years after college. Her course hours are also 30-35 a week and she doesn't need a 3 hour round trip daily commute on top of that.

DD does understand that finances are limited and she will need to get a job while at Uni.

DD also wants to live somewhere else. She doesn't drink and isn't a party animal, but just wants something different. Having said that, she is looking at more rural Uni's rather than city ones, but they all have good facilities on site and good bus links to the nearby town.

I teach undergraduates at a university in the north and quite a few are commuters because it's cheaper overall. However, they're still often travelling from the next city over and are often affected by train strikes, traffic, etc. Their attendance and experience does suffer. I think your DS would have a similar problem. One hour with no traffic is a bit optimistic. There will frequently be traffic, particularly if he has a lot of 9ams.

He's right about experiencing proper student life. Going away to uni is a valuable experience - you learn so much more about yourself and develop your independence. BUT it's not as easy to afford as it was, so I understand your hesitancy. How much of a detailed budget have you put together? This will show you and him how much it really costs to live at uni versus live at home. He'll know if he needs to get a job immediately, how many hours he'll need to work alongside his studies, and how much his loan will cover. This is all important information to know upfront before he makes his choice.

Ultimately he should choose the course which appeals to him most and offers the best experience. Wherever that is. If he chooses a uni he doesn't actually want to go to for the sake of saving some money, he might really regret that.

I’ve not often seen a thread more unreasonable. You need to let him go - it’s entirely unreasonable to expect a student to commute an hour to uni, even more so at Oxbridge. We were in fact required to be resident at the college (or living in the city) during term time. I would not have been allowed to carry on my degree doing what you are suggesting. But even more unreasonable is the idea that you have any right to put pressure on him about these choices. Poor kid.

Don’t add to his stress. Accept the Uni he chooses himself .

I appreciate you'll be under greater financial pressure, but he wants to live an independent life as soon as possible, not having his mum hovering above him, extending teen parenting into adulthood.

He just won't get a normal young person's experience if he has to commute an hour home, especially if he's having to rely on public transport. Every time he'll need to stay over at a friend, you'll no doubt have divulge information to you about who that friend is and other details, and I think you know that. Don't guilt trip him into going to Oxford.

I went to uni 5 hours away!!!

I think you really do need to have a re-think, youre not management material.

I have to say your stance is selfish and shortsighted. To have Oxford or Cambridge uni on your CV, even in today's world, is a huge start in a working life. Do you not want the best for your child?