To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

I actually think your son is acting pretty badly here op. He is old enough to be able to discern the difference between someone being ‘bitter’ (I would be livid at that), and someone who is traumatised. Plus he was there for his own upbringing, he surely recognises which of his parents actually raised him (and you know didn’t assault, rob and harass the other?). I’m so sorry. You have suffered immensely and done the hard yards and you don’t deserve this treatment at all.

Sorry this happened to you OP. Definitely do not go and have dinner with him at all. I understand you want to be there for your son but you matter too. Some of these threads show mothers never look after themselves as always putting their children first. However, in some instances you need to put yourself first and this is one of them!!! You don't need to go into all the detail, just say you experience with him was awful / traumatic etc and that you will not spend any time with him. You are happy to meet her parents without him. Stand your ground, only you will look.after you!!!

Please ignore those horrifying rape apology posts OP, they represent a truly misogynistic and outdated mindset (horrifying that they say they work in the legal sector - Met Police perhaps?. They are also a complete derailment given that police reporting isn't what OP is asking about at all.)

I also believe you have to tell your son, and his wife to be needs to know too. I agree the 'bitter' comment sounds as if it has come from his dad. Getting professional advice on how to approach this sounds like a good idea.

I am so sorry for what you are going through here.

I’d go carefully now as it’s a special time for DS. Tell him that things were so difficult with his dad that you can’t be in his company but you’re delighted about his wedding and will meet the in-laws any other time. Tell him that youll explain more if he wants to hear but perhaps he’d rather focus on his wedding for now.

YANBU. If I were in the same situation as you, I would let my son know what happened. You have protected him all these years but he is a grown man now and should know the truth about his father. If it is difficult to talk about it, write everything down in a letter and give it to your son to digest the information. Your son has a right to know what his father is capable of and you have a right to feel safe. I hope everything turns out well. Best wishes

I'd feel like I'd have to explain the situation clearly. "Just to make you aware, you father raped me alot. That is the main reason I never want to see him again. Please don't ask me to attend anything with him. I'm sorry but I cannot come to the wedding. I don't want to talk about this anymore." That way he doesn't just think it was nothing and that you're bitter, very rude of him to have even said that by the way. If he still dismisses it as nothing, then your son has become not a very nice person I'm afraid.

DS: I’m not bitter. I am traumatised. He raped me when I was trying to feed you. He raped me repeatedly. I can’t sit with an abuser. I brought you up to be a good kind person, which you are but you need to know that he isn’t.

he may not believe you if you tell him the scale of the abuse, and or he may feel you’re forcing to choose between him and you. Surely it’d be better to tell him you wish him well, but can’t attend.

I need to sit your son down and maybe his fiancee too and tell him that his dad raped you when you were a child and he was an adult. You need to be honest with your son.

im so sorry this happened to you. I can’t get my head head around why your son wants to invite him

OP, I’m so very sorry you had these awful things happen to you. You sound like you have been incredibly brave for a very long time.

I wonder if your son has gone through a period of worrying he may be like his father in certain aspects so has seen only “the good” and that’s what is blinding him?

I would suggest that when you tell your son the extent of this man’s horrifying actions, you do so with your future daughter in law around. She needs to know about this man too. She needs to hear the extent of the abuse so the truth is heard by them both, first hand. I don’t doubt for one moment that the meeting will be horrific for so many reasons, so I would suggest if you can, write down the events - there may be lots of emotion shown to you and you may get thrown off course and miss things out. I’d also say, if you have someone that you trust who knows, take them with you. Yous son will have his fiancé. You need someone.

Finally as an aside, and please take this in the kind spirit in which it is meant., your comment about their quick engagement should be one you don’t ever mention. Whilst you have real concerns and they may be valid, you don’t want the reason for your non attendance to be about anything other than the abuse you suffered. Sometimes people can divert their anger/betrayal etc onto other things and your son/his fiancée should not be given any opportunity to think their engagement/wedding are being soured because you think they are moving too quick as opposed to the truth of years of abuse.

I wish you all the very best and hope you have good people around you to support you.

This nails it really. You don’t need to go into great detail OP but I think you should spell it out a bit more. There is no guarantee that ds will listen but talking it over with someone professional first would be good.

Just to say a defendant is not put on the sex offenders register for burglary. It will be a sexual offence of some kind, and it will be a conviction. He may have more than one conviction. He will be on the sex offenders register for ten years.
He should have no unsupervised contact with children at all ( It is usually safer to say no contact at all with children, as grooming can happen in plain sight)

This man is a rapist, a stalker, an abuser and a peadophile. Op’s son as a man of 26 years of age has the right to know everything, then he can make an informed decision.

Op may be further disappointed by his informed decision - people do not always react the way we imagine - but it’s essential he knows the full details, and of course the young woman he is about to marry must be fully informed too.

It is essential safe guarding, of course her son needs to know the truth. Op needs to be honest about the reasons she can’t go, or she really will look like the bitter disinterested party, and that isn’t true or fair.

Her son will have to decide whether he wishes to have contact with his mother’s rapist, or not.

Awful, awful.
Do not go to his wedding, start therapy and then tell your son about the history.

Where were your parents @GiftBaggage when you were abused by this man? What did they do to protect you?

I think you should sit him down and tell him the truth and while you won’t make him choose you just cannot be in the same room as his father. Your ds is now an adult he doesn’t need protecting from the truth.

In the late nineties the 15 year old sister of a friend started hanging around a friendship group I was in and then ‘going out’ with a guy in his twenties. Now I absolutely knew this was wrong at the time. It turned my stomach and I never went near this guy again after that. It’s not right to say it was acceptable back then, it wasn’t. The only difference is now I’d be on the phone to social services about it.

Maybe write him quite a factual letter, detailing the list of everything his father did to you. And just explaining, clearly but relatively unemotionally, that you love your son, you’re delighted he’s getting married but you cannot and will not be with that man under any circumstances and that’s never going to change.

I’m sorry OP, this is awful. The bitter comment is horrible and shows your son doesn’t understand. It’d be bad enough if you’d just had a normal relationship with their father, but in these circumstances it’s terrible.

It does seem like he’s charmed your son. Hopefully your future daughter-in-law isn’t so susceptible

OP in a just world your son would believe your account of what went on with his father and see you as the victim in this situation. However what should happen isn't always what will actually happen and I think you need to be prepared for this.

From what you've said it sounds like your son has become close with his father and I don't know how well he will take the image of his father that he has being challenged, in general people aren't great at this. I understand why you don't want to be in the same place as him but there's a real possibility that your son will side with his dad over you if pushed to.

I'd look at some professional support to work through and maybe legal advice this if you can because I don't think that there are easy answers.

@GiftBaggage Firstly OP I just want to give you a huge hug. I echo what all the other posters have said you need to sit down with both your son and your future DIL. He may have blinkers on when it comes to his Father but the Fiancé most definitely won’t. Is he a well balanced young man, I only ask that because of how he may react to what you are going to tell him. His reaction could be to accuse you of lying about his Father in which case do you have evidence to show his crimes, he could get really angry and want to confront his Father which could turn ugly or he just breaks down after hearing about what you his mother went through. Do you think it is worth meeting up separately with your future DIL & talking to her first? Only because she may have some knowledge as to how your son really feels about his Father. At this stage no one knows if the Father has been slowly dripping poison into his son’s ear & he may not believe anything you say because his Father has said that you don’t want Father & son to have a relationship. I do think you need to prepare yourself for any one of these situations to play out and if by talking to your future DIL can help shed some light on their relationship currently it will help you when it comes to sitting your son down and telling him everything. I am concerned what effect this will have on his mental health and his reaction. So I think by taking your future DIL to one side and trusting her may go a long way in helping your son to process the information.

I understand your sentiment but surely so already worked out his mother was 14 when she got pregnant with him in which case knows she was raped as was below the age of consent.

Did you ever go to the police and report him for the dreadful things he has done to you, if no, maybe go and report him now ?
it’s never too late
x

I think you do have a right to ask him to choose between you and his father being at events. You did all of the looking after him from baby to adult with love; protected him from his father; and provided all of the financial provision. You deserve a lot of appreciation and respect, and even if your son doesn't see it right now, lots of us who don't know you in person feel it, so I hope that you feel really validated.

Also, even if you didn't have a right to ask your son to choose between you and your abuser, it is already starting to happen effectively anyway. I agree with other posters that you should tell your son about the abuse, but after having some therapy sounds like a really good idea. He needs to know about it. And I also agree with the poster who said that the fiancée needs to know also - if I was that young woman I'd not want that abusive man in my life or the life of any future children.

Others will be smarter on this than me, but I wonder if you might be best off telling your son and his fiancée at the same time. At least then your son might be listening with more awareness of a woman's perspective. If he's making snide comments with her there, he puts his own relationship at risk, but then from your initial description of the relationship in the OP, I'm a bit concerned for the fiancée anyway. Of course, if that relationship breaks up as a direct result of him responding in a misogynistic manner in front of his DP to what you reveal, then he may blame you. But you wouldn't be to blame, and you would've helped the young woman. And in that case I think having some distance from a misogynistic son who's sided with his father instead of you might be a good idea.

I would confide in the in-laws. Make it clear that given the nature of the situation you can't be 100% honest with your son about his dad's history but you've made clear that you can't be around him & you wish them all the best.