To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

OP I hope things go as well as they can when or if you choose to tell your son.

You've had a lifetime of putting others first, now you need to put your needs top of the list.

if your son lacks the empathy to not understand why you would find it deeply disturbing to be anywhere near your ex, then he needs to be reminded what you have already told him.

the bitter remark was really distasteful and disrespectful.

he has to know with choice comes consequences. If he decides that his abusive feckless father, who did absolutely nothing for him growing up, is going to take a seat at his wedding table, then that makes it impossible for you to be there. His choice, which he will live to regret in years to come.

put yourself first on this one, and definitely don't torture yourself.

Although this is the right thing to do, surely it will be highly risky to the OPs safety to get involved to that extent. I'd be concerned that now the son is effectively in kahootz with his abusive father, if the OP is seen to be having a hand in turning the fiancée and her family against the son, the abusive ex could want more retribution. I think it needs to be done through the police with some degree of protection for the OP. it sounds like a highly risky strategy given the background of the ex.

@WilfredsPies has saved me a job of quoting the most relevant passage apparently missed by @Hairycherry.

@Hairycherry quite apart from anything else, you don't appear to have properly read and grasped where in the timeline the OP said she was raped. It is not at the point or on the basis she was 14 and her abuser 18. You also seem to gloss over (or have simply not taken in) the subsequent stalking, other abuse and ban from working with children, all of which build up quite a different picture from, 'ho hum, different perspectives, different times'.

Your point that it may be challenging to secure a conviction for rape at this point is realistic (though of course it is not impossible depending on the evidence) but everything else in your post, including the antediluvian questions about whether the 14 year old "chased" the adult and suggestion that maybe the man repeatedly raping the child or young woman (including her sleep...) was simply, "nervous" and misunderstood the situation, is wildly misconceived, both in fact and in law.

I hope you read and consider the facts more carefully at work before you give advice, particularly if it is indeed in the legal sector.

It’s unclear whether he got the banned with children thing for offences towards children or whether it’s because of his burglary criminal record and I think it’s unfair to assume when we don’t know.

A conviction for burglary does not result in an active ban on working with children. If you are suggesting that the 'ban' is functional because he would not pass a DBS check, I think that is reaching given the way this was put by the OP, but anything is possible.

Even if that were the case, it changes my post not a jot.

I think if he had offences towards (other) children OP would’ve said, or she can go to the police and request data RE Sarah’s law.

I have taken in what OP has said, however she has not told her son much or elaborated on what she has told him. I think telling her son everything is the only way she can get his dad booted out the wedding party.

I'm sure the OP can clear it up if she so chooses.

Any reflections on the remainder of my post which was much more to the point?

I think I would speak to his fiancée. Or write.Say how sad you will be to miss the wedding but explain why. In detail.

It is unfair to tell your son via a third party who didn’t ask to be involved. You are putting the duty of telling him onto her shoulders. That is not right.

It’s fingers in ears and I don’t want to know behaviour really. He doesn’t want to face how terrible his father was because then he’ll have to reconcile that with the man he is now. Maybe he has changed or maybe he’s good at acting like he’s changed.
Or maybe he’s so desperate for that relationship that he can’t face it at all and has reasoned to himself that it wasn’t that bad.

I can see how it happens but he doesn’t get to invalidate your pain and your trauma @GiftBaggage

I do agree with others that your son needs to know as much as you feel able to tell him and your future DIL also deserves to know before she gets close to him.

She’d be furious I imagine if she’s made him part of her family and accepted him to then find out the truth.

No I’m fucking not, grow up.

I was trying to be pragmatic because if the OP doesn’t feel able to have that honest conversation with her son and his partner, it’s likely going to cause a rift she doesn’t want.

So the choices really are brutal honesty (which I don’t think is a bad thing) or finding a way to cope with the day.

I don’t know if the OP can and definitely don’t think she should have to but it is an option still.

I agree. OP has said that her son's dad is barred from working with children, so there has obviously been a complaint made about him at some point. I think that OP should seek advice and help from a therapist about how to report what he did to her. She will need a lot of support to do this, but it may be the only way to make the scales fall from her son's eyes.

This is such a difficult situation. I think you need to be really clear with your son that this is an singing decision for you as you love him so much and would so want to be at his wedding. He needs to know it is not a choice you are making just because you do not like his dad, it is a physical trauma reaction you are feeling at the very thought of even sayying him again. This might help him understand the situation without you having to tell all the detail.
If his dad really has changed at all, didn't he himself will understand he cannot be at the wedding?

Send your DS a link to this thread. If he still wants his dad there (I'm sorry to say) he's an arsehole

Yep, there is something really really dodgy about this poster. They keep saying deeply unacceptable things, trying to normalise child rape at the beginning, and then slithering off and attempting to gaslight with the pretence that they are just being rational and fair.

They can fuck right off with that. We all see through them.

What people need to remember is that not all, or even most of the people who come to read about people being raped, or abused, or harmed are on the side of the victim. Many don't care much, and some are positively in favour of men hurting women.

This person you are responding to is having fun and thinks he's being very clever. But he is not.

Again, you owe it to yourself and to him to tell him and also to his wife-to-be and any children they may have.

I am sorry he put you in this position (both he's)

As others wrote, I think you should let your future DIL know. One way would be to meet just with the two of them. Give them all your love and congrats and then be honest with them about DS's father. Tell them both that he can't be around children and why. And tell them both, so you KNOW DIL gets the full truth, that he raped you. I wouldn't hold back because 1. your DS needs to know, he's 26, not 16. and 2. Your DIL really needs to know so she can make informed choices that will impact her life and her children's.

DIL should not have it filtered, IMO, through your DS.

Are you really in the legal profession? You seem very comfortable with statutory rape and the non-consensual kind.

OP's son's dad is barred from working with children so at some point, someone has reported him and their accusations were upheld. Would the police really still think that this was a normal relationship that OP has come to regret? This isn't an equal relationship between two fifteen year olds or a 15 year old and a 16 year old. This is between a young adult of 18 and a child of 13.

I think you need to tell your son clearly simply and objectively that you cannot be in a room with a man who raped you and abused you for years. That while your son believes his father has changed, he cannot undo his behaviour and the scars it has left you with.
That your son can call you 'bitter' or any other name he chooses, it will not change that so he must accept he can't have you both at his wedding.
Then brace yourself OP for your son in his naevity and desire to have a dad, to choose his father.
Because your son is seeing the father he wishes he had, rather than the one he really does, and minimising your suffering to enable this man to fit the role. Only time and personal experience may change his mind.

This is a huge concern imo. If he has children, will they be safe from his father? The DIL will need to know everything as well so she can make the best choice in full context.

I’m so sorry OP. Things must seem so unfair for you. Please resist people pleasing and let others know this is a red line.

What a horrific situation. I am so sorry.

I think I would ask my son if he could arrange the meal for the mid-future, so not soon, and try and get in enough therapy sessions in so that you feel able to attend.

Not to people please your son, but so you don’t miss out on all the parts of being a mother that you deserve to enjoy.

And also so your cunt of an ex hasn’t won and doesn’t still have power over you.

If you can somehow get into a position where you are in a room with him and it doesn’t feel petrifying, it feels empowering because you are bigger and stronger than he will ever be, that would be a victory.

I’ve no idea of this is possible though or how long it would take, and I’m furious with your son for being sucked in by his grifting dad.

Sending huge love x

edited to add - I hadn’t seen the update where it’s stated he can’t work with children. Wow. You definitely need a gentle but very frank conversation with your son.

I said earlier you need to sit down and tell them both why, so he can’t just fluff over it with his fiancé, but now I’ve read the update, you also need to sit down with both of them and say what his dad did, and also say I cannot let any woman come into this family and potentially have children without knowing ds’ dad is banned from working with children and I would not trust him with a child.

and hope that sinks in.

You son is an adult now
You tell him what you just told us .
Your sons loyalty should be to you ,who brought him up and made sacrifices for him .
He should not be putting you in any position you feel uncomfortable with