To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

I am so sorry that you went through all of that. It is completely unfair and you have every right to feel angry, hurt, and every other human emotion. I am sending you lots and lots of love and strength. You didn’t cause this, you didn’t deserve this and it’s not up to you to put things right. Your only duty here is to your own wellbeing.

I think your decisions here are so tough. There is no right way forward. There is no manual for this.

Therapy or counselling might help you to figure it out. Make sure you get a trauma informed therapist. May be advice from domestic abuse specialists? May be talk to the police too to see what your options are.

As I see it your options are;

• go to the wedding and shove your own needs and feelings down. It may re-traumatise you further though.
• don’t go and process all of what that brings. which may include being vilified for it.

You could tell your son some more detail and teach him a bit about trauma. You won’t be able to predict his reaction, in the moment or after time to reflect. You’ll need to decide based on what you feel is the right thing for you. What honours you the most, without any hope for a particular outcome.

Avoidance of the triggers to trauma is completely normal and to be expected. Of course it will be hard. And, could re-traumatise you. You are right to slow down and make the wisest decision you can for your own sense of safety and wellbeing.

Therapy might help you to figure out what you want and work through the options.

if YOU decide that you want to go then one thing that you MIGHT be able to do, if you have enough time, is reduce your body’s physiological response to that hideous piece of shit.

EMDR is a trauma focused model that can do this, but you’ll need a therapist who can do that with you safely. And only if it’s what YOU want and not so that you can keep your son and everyone else happy.

You could also ask your GP to prescribe beta-blockers to reduce your body’s fight/flight/freeze on the day. But, if that piece of shit might do things to deliberately hurt you on the day then that is a risk. And your trauma might be too great.

The first step though is to get a therapist who understands trauma really well so you can start to figure out what you want.

What should happen is something heavy drops on that piece of shit from a great height and squishes the life out of him. But life isn’t fair and abusers walk free among us. Sadly, that’s the case. And they are often well regarded and charismatic. But since all
of this happened to you, we know much more about abusive cycles, coercion and control and trauma.

Good luck. We are here with you, sending you strength. Xx

I'm sorry for what OP may be reading this morning on here. If she is still bothering.
This happened at the beginning of the 00s when the tide had turned on what was deemed acceptable in previous decades.
Not that it matters what the poster put in relation to the situation. It wasn't in the dim and distant past.

I don't feel she will get much joy out of ds listening to her or dil.
The thing is the father hasn't earned his place at the wedding table. DS knows enough about the situation to know this already. But he has called his mum bitter. He's enjoying the status he gets with his father.
To me it wouldn't be a great loss not being there in the end because I wouldn't want anything to do with my ds if he didn't want to see what's in front of him. Tell him any more details but he needs to be willing to hear.
I hope OP can get some help from counselling.

I'll take a guess the Father has money and is pushing the idea of a wedding and paying for it.

Weddings aren't cheap.
The girlfriend hasn't been on the scene long.
The sons only 26 whats the rush to get married?

I think this is the Father driving it to get back under Ops skin.

This makes me angry on your behalf and is a reflection on how male violence is minimised and accepted by many people. These men get away with it and it’s not acceptable. Your feelings are completely valid and many many women will have the same dilemma.

I'd meet with your son and his wife to be. Give them ALL the bare facts.
If it's not possible to meet I'd write to them both (separately?)

Say that you realise this will be shocking and unwelcome but they need to know.
They need to understand only something so awful would keep you away from such a happy day for your son who has been your whole 'life' since age 15.

If he then still chooses to minimise what happened to you that is his choice.
(he may well, in future years, realise what sort of man his 'Father' is)

Hold your head high. You deserve much better than this.

You do realise that this man raped her? There’s no reason on earth she should e er be in the same room as him ever again. She is the victim here and her son is an adult, so should be perfectly capable of understanding that this is not a reasonable expectation of her.

“I know that he’s barred from working with children though.”

OP, does your DS or your future DIL know this? It’s not fair to keep it from them, particularly your future DIL - I wouldn’t want my DC around a man who has this kind of history.
As far as meeting your DS’s girlfriend’s parents is concerned, why can’t you meet them separately from your ex? When my DC got married, I met the im-laws, but absolutely not with my ex-husband. I managed the weddings, but my DC made sure that we were on tables well away from each other. I can understand your DS wanting to meet his father - but not the way in which he seems to have simply ignored his absence from his upbringing.
As far as your DS’s wedding is concerned, you will have to do whatever you are comfortable with, but you can meet the in-laws and let your future DIL know how excited you are about the wedding. I can understand that you want to keep the more distressing details from your DS, but perhaps you should explain to your future DIL your reasons for not wanting to attend - I’m sure any woman would understand. At least then she will know that the reason you are not coming to the wedding is not because of any bad feelings towards her or your DS. I think a bride is entitled to be a little surprised if her boyfriend’s DM refuses to attend the wedding, but if she knows the reasons, I’m sure she’ll be understanding.

Similar experience with our son’s wedding and my ex-husband (sexually, physically and emotionally abusive. I was 17 when my mother got me involved with him - he was twice my age). I just got on with it, but did have nightmares and increased anxiety before and after the event. I was raised in an abusive and dysfunctional family where I was expected to just accept things. I knew I didn’t want to be around him but couldn’t bear the conversation or to upset my son.
No sense of my own boundaries either growing up so I’m not sure if what I did is to be recommended.

Sorry correction to my post late 90s into early 00s the same era and unacceptable then and now.

“I know that he’s barred from working with children though.”

That in itself is a red flag. Why is he barred from working with children?

I think you just need to calmly explain to your son why you can’t put yourself through being near his dad. Tell him what he did to you in as factual and calm a way as possible. Then add that you would love to meet his in laws on another occasion. It’s up to him what he does from there.

I don't think the OP should push the point. She risks alienating her son.

Edit: I was reading the thread about missing pickup at school, I’ve no idea how I ended up posting on a totally different thread.

But he's already going over to the dark side? (brush off about her being 'bitter')
He needs to know the basic facts & fiancee needs to know FIL is on SO register.
He may not respond very well. The OP may want to have therapy set up.

It seems that if this isn't addressed with him now, it will not have a happy ending anyway. Either he will become like his Father or he will 'realise' years too late.

By dong this, the OP is actually putting her son's wellbeing above hers (by risking the alienation that would be so painful for her). Like she has all his life.

I was going to comment this, but you already said it OP about how much injustice there is that he's "won" and the abuse continuing by him attending the wedding and not you. I just want to say I'm so sorry for what you're continuing to go through. I'm a little shocked at your son suggesting a meet up with the in-laws and him, but you're doing the right thing by not fighting. I can't imagine the hurt and I would suggest some sort of counselling so you can process it all.
If I was your friend or family I would be disgusted to realise that his father was at the wedding and would totally understand why you couldn't go. Even without knowing you, I am disgusted by this. I have been to weddings though where the mother and father of the bride/groom were able to be successfully apart from each other in case the venue might make this possible. Sending all the love and support xx

😳 Are you the OP's ex?!? Wtf have I just read?!?

There is no way you work in the legal sector because I do and your post is so far removed from reality that it's simply shocking.

I agree with alicemk.

If I was his fiance I would want to have ALL of this info. She's about to marry a man who worships this abuser and is banned from working with children! I would be very surprised if she knows this last part! 😔

I'd sit them both down together, pop round to there's to do this if you have to. Lay it all out.

Say you'd love to be there for his big events, and you'd love to meet your future in laws, but won't be in the same space as your abuser and you won't be called bitter and disrespected.

I'm so sorry op. You are right to be angry.

Talking to a therapist a little about it is a good idea as this is bound to have stirred all this up for you emotionally.

I have some experience of this and I'd show up for my son. That's what I did and do in my situation. I show up for the other family members.

@GiftBaggage what about extended family your parents, siblings, would they have your back?

Because I can't see the wedding as anything other than something his Dad is pushing to get close to you.
I can't see any other reason for the wedding to happen so quickly.

You've only met the GF once yet he's trying to get both families together. Really thats just odd!

Unfortunately your son doesn’t respect you.

its time for clear and hard boundaries. Hard to do verbally so send this text:

Paul, I am so happy for you and truly want the best for you and your fiancé. However, I am afraid being on the same room as your father is a hard no from me. As you know that man abused me when I was child and for many years afterwards. The abuse was extreme and unforgivable. You are free to have whatever relationship you want with him but I cannot let him back into my life. I am of course hurt, and shocked, that you want him in your life when you know what he put me through. However, I respect your right to chose what relationship you have with him. I hope you can understand why this is a hard line for me and I also hope you can navigate a way through this that respects your relationship with me as well as your father.

It is hardly about holding it together, or not causing a scene. It is about the OP's safety. She doesn't want to trigger another round of life threatening stalking. This man is a risk to all women, and potentially all (new) close female family members.

I am going to go against the grian and say that not going would be a huge mistake. As awful as it sounds, you are making your DS's wedding about you when it should be about him.

As a survivor of rape, I absolutely understand the gut wrenching paralysis at the thought of having to be in the same space as the person who attacked you. But in the kindest way, you need to show that SOB that his actions do not define you or control you.

Ask DS if you can bring a friend, someone who you know will have you back. Get a beautiful outfit and walk in there with your head held high. Even if you have to fake it til you make it.

It’s irrelevant whether DS thinks he’s changed, even if he has changed - the important thing is what he put you through.

So yes, as everyone says, time for the unvarnished truth and firm boundaries.

absolutely, this is extremely serious and your son and daughter in law have to know that any children they have would be at risk if they were around this man.

As for the rest, I am so sorry OP. You deserve peace and respect and your son needs to know the truth. What he chooses to do with it is up to him.

I wonder if the bride knows her father in law is a rapist? Do her parents know?

Do her parents also know their future son in law doesn’t think his mothers abuse is a big deal, and that he is happy to chose his father who was absent most of his live over his mother.

all massive red flags about the groom’s values. I would not be at all happy about my daughter marrying this man.