To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

I agree with this and it's an important consideration. Being brave enough to speak up must be tempered with being brave enough to accept that others might not be able to or want to hear or accept the facts.

You take on the role of the identified patient and that can be a very lonely place to be.

It is natural to a certain extent for adult children to distort their view of a much wanted parent. The fact is telling her son the truth is now imperative for safe guarding reasons if nothing else.

Op should be prepared for her son to continue to deny what kind of man his father is - that may continue but at least he will know the truth. In order to protect his own children.

Op needs support externally, and not look for this from her son. Women’s aid, rape crisis, counselling and other agencies can and will support her: there is also a specialist team that can support her if she wishes to go ahead with reporting her abuse and rape to the police.

Realistically.

OP will report and police will take statement from her.

Police will assess if there is any evidence or credible witnesses ie if anyone saw this happen. They would request if OP has any journals from around the time detailing the offence.

if there is evidence the suspect would be invited for an interview.

There would be a cPS decision based on evidence in 98% of historical rape cases like this in the UK no charges come of it.

He has a criminal record OP knows of already. She has not been exactly clear, she says he’s not allowed to work around children however I feel this may be an assumption on her part based on the charges she has told us about. She would be able to look into his sex offender status with sarahs law.

Why are you so determined to avoid police reporting. Even the process can be very cathartic for some survivors. He may well have a very long criminal record for similar offences in which case this might not be as hard as you suggest. There might be strong evidence to support her case.

Your posts are very disturbing. It is up to the victim, in this case the op if she wishes to report her abuse

Hi OP, I just wanted to highlight this really excellent advice .

im so sorry for this seemingly impossible and brutally unfair position you are in xxx

As a starting point op pleese click on the link below; they can offfe you support and guidance whether you wish to report or not (there is no time limit to sexual offences) or just for support as you navigate this with your son:

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/it-happened-some-time-ago/

I am not against reporting I just wanted to give a realistic outcome.

My advice for OP is to tell her son the truth- about everything- or attend the wedding. It’s just going to make her look awful if she doesn’t attend and the son has no idea why.

As I said, OP should request info about him RE Sarah’s law.

What?? Who cares what she ‘looks’ like. Have you read what has happened to her? No one on this planet would ever expect for her to attend the wedding if her son insists her abuser and rapist is there.

I am on the verge of reporting your posts. It’s not okay.

Her son does not know he raped and historically abused her if you read correctly.

so to him, it’s just going to look like OP is being petty refusing to go because his dad is there.

She said Here is what I think.
Your recent update adds a bit more clarity to things. While it very much was statutory rape, you say you didn’t deny it at the time and just let him get on with it. It’s been painted throughout this thread that he was regularly a violent rapist but this shows that wires may have been crossed. Men especially back - or women for that matter- then did not always listen for enthusiastic consent. Especially at that age when both of you may have been nervous
I’m not sure how old your son is now but sadly it was very very common 20 plus years ago for 13 and 14 year olds to be dating 18/19 year olds to look cool to their friends. While consent was still important back then plenty of girls (and young lads) truly didn’t think as much about it as they do today. He should’ve certainly known better at 18 but it’s maybe worth thinking about did you want to date this man, did you chase him?
it was statutory rape, he is NOT a good person for allowing a relationship and I am not denying that. But it was also a very long time ago and there are probably regrets from both your sides

If it wasn’t what she believed, then she’s got a very peculiar way of expressing herself, which is surprising considering her work is in the legal sector which generally needs to be very clear in written communication and not open to misinterpretations. I haven’t removed any sentences from her post. I didn’t delete anything suggesting that the above was anything that the police would think. It’s exactly what she said.

Which is why it’s important op is honest and transparent with her son and his wife to be.

If op wishes to report to the police, there is plenty of support available. Specialist counselling and things have improved drastically in the last twenty years plus I have been working in this area.

Op will be fully supported if that is what she decides. Op is in charge of how she manages this next stage of her life with her son, and she will decide what is the best course of action.

Are you even reading the same posts? She said that her son called her bitter and I responded by saying he put me through horrendous things and he said ‘I know’ before changing the subject He’s aware there was abuse, even if he doesn’t know the scale of it.

I think you’re taking the piss now; nobody could be this obtuse on purpose.

Yes I too think it’s important OP is open with her son and seeks counselling whether she chooses to pursue things legally or not.

Horrendous things does not necessarily equate abuse. Many times I have read the words “horrendous things” on this forum and it’s not about sexual/ any sort of what you would define as abuse.

It could mean cheating. It could mean debts. It could mean never cooking or cleaning or pulling his weight. It could mean the fact he left her to bring up him alone.

she hasn’t told her son she was abused or raped, that is why he used the admittedly wrong term bitter.

It can be an intensely negative experience for survivors, too. She’s being realistic in what she says, however unpleasant it may be to acknowledge that. Fewer than 3 in 100 reported rapes in the UK in 2024 resulted in someone being charged.

It absolutely is up to OP to decide whether she wants to report or not, no one has said otherwise.

Well as none of us were privy to what she told her son, maybe none of us should be making assumptions that the horrendous things she’s referring to were that he never did the dusting.

But as you’re replying to me now, I think you owe the OP a huge apology for what you said to her. It was disgraceful.

I’m sure OP will come back and clarify and if she doesn’t hopefully she talks to her son. What a difficult thing for everyone to cope with.

She doesn’t owe anybody clarification. And I’m going to report your post of 01:40hrs. Do not engage with me any further.

I’ve not said anything against the rules of the website thus it won’t be removed.

I also said “if she doesn’t” - did not say she owed us clarification. Stop picking and choosing what you quote to take it out of context. Honestly.

Why are you on here? Posting constantly and suggesting she might be seen as ‘petty’ of all things, it’s seriously out of order. I am reporting you as well.

This thread isnt about you. Can you stop derailing such a highly senstive thread.

Please feel free to start a thread of your own.

I am replying to those who have replied to me. I have not said or done anything out of the rules of the forum. There isn’t a limit to how many replies I am allowed to make to people who reply to me.