To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

l agree that there should be a hard discussion and that DS and his fiancée should be given all the facts. If DS still chooses his father then l think OP should stick to her decision not to attend. Why should she allow her experiences to be minimised to keep others happy. DS and his fiancée are adults and perfectly capable of understanding.

The OP should decide for herself, and if she can't face attending she shouldn't feel bad.Hopefully the rapist will be excluded.
Also agree to putting your son straight if you are only bitter, I think you are allowed to be after beimg raped I would also be more.than bitter.

THIS. Well said.

As an aside, I bloody hate weddings. I can’t stand the narcissism of these events and how people are obliged to submit to it all in the name of family unity and support for the couples’ ‘big day’, even at the expense of their own well-being/personal boundaries as in this case.

Just to say, I would be the first to typically say ‘come together for your DS, it’s one day’. But absolutely not in this situation. I think you need to put yourself here first. There’s some really great advice already on here, but please prioritise yourself. He hasn’t changed at all. He’s never faced the consequences of what happened & would likely gaslight you on the whole situation. Idk if you should tell DS the entirety of the situation, it depends on how you feel about sharing that.

Your circumstances are different- all adults are aware. That is not the case here. Your family choose to manage and accept the risk to the vulnerable children in the family and you are happy with that. I'm assuming there are measures put in place with social services/probation re his contact with children and you know these are being met.
The adults in this family are not aware of what those risks could be to make the same choices.

I’ll never fail to be amazed by how some women are so willing to completely subjugate themselves and their own needs for their adult offspring, it’s so unnecessary and so unhealthy for all concerned. This strange and rampant fear that if you don’t go along with anything and everything that your son/daughter wants however much it may hurt you then you’re going to isolate them from you, they’re going to go no contact with you, they’re going to ban you from seeing any future grandchildren, they’re going to chuck you into a terrible nursing home when you’re older and never visit you….its such a load of misogynistic depressing shit.

@LoftyRobin

a wedding more important than your own trauma repair and mental health…?? Ok….

I'm sorry you're in this position OP.

I've not been through what you have but I do know that I would fight tooth and nail for my relationship with my son and I'd do everything I can to be at his wedding.

That probably means therapy for you and, as others have suggested, sitting down with him and his GF and telling them some of the headlines of what happened. I would also say that you want to do everything you can to be there for them, at the wedding and in future, but they need to understand that its going to be difficult for you and may need to adjust seating arrangements / photos etc accordingly.

I'm not sure I would do the pre wedding in law dinner if your Ex is there, but I'd really try to make it to the wedding.

OP was abused as a child and has only herself to consider because she was the only victim. She doesn’t want to be anywhere near him, let alone in the same room. That’s her decision and she’s not letting anyone down by sticking to it.

l think she should give her son and his fiancée all the relevant facts and let them decide whether they want to allow a convicted sex offender access to them and any future children they may have. If they do, that’s their decision, but having decided that they have to accept that OP needs to do whatever she feels is right for her, including not attending their wedding. Anything else is minimising her experience and the ongoing effects of it.

Yes. Your son deserves to know what sort of man he is dragging back into your life.

I’m so pleased to see the support you’ve received so far. This isn’t a case of sour grapes from a scorned ex wife. This man was your abuser. This disgusting man groomed you when you were barely a teenager. He continued to mentally abuse you, even after you’d physically broken free from him. Of course you can say no to being in the same place as him. And your son needs to know exactly why you’ve made this choice.
It must be extremely galling to have raised your son single-handedly to have him giddy with glee at being reunited with this shit stain of a human. I think I’d make my feelings known about that too.

@LuLuLemonDrizzleCake

not sure why Op should be the one putting in all the graft and fight…we’re not talking about a little five year old here. This is a 26 year old man. If he wants to side with his father over his mother then he will, the onus is not on OP to stop that.

Yes. Parenting seems to be synonymous with constant approval and appeasement.

I take you read my post and saw I was abused as a child, too. The difficulty with just telling people like her son or my siblings everything, is yes, they may well decide to cut off the person. But that then denies them of the bond they have with that person, and it may well be objectively beneficial to them and free of the abuse that you endured.

Secondly, they may choose not to cut them off, and that will give you a lot of feelings. There is a bliss in the not knowing what they would do.

No, my relationships with my siblings which includes things like attending their weddings.

How big is the wedding going to be? Is there any scope for avoiding him? Realise this would require a certain size of wedding and I think you would need some friends/family supporting you who could tell him to go away if he tried approaching (so there is less pressure on you and you feel supported).

He likely won’t believe it or that it was that bad. His father has already played the charm card and will give a ‘she’s crazy’ explanation.

Are you really suggesting that OP should go into therapy and relive such traumatic experiences, just so she can attend their wedding? The clear solution here is to explain to DS and his fiancée what happened, and add that he is a convicted sex offender, banned from working with children. They can then decide whether they still want him in their lives and OP can do whatever she feels is right for her in the knowledge that they’ve made an informed decision. .

l simply don’t understand why any woman would tell another that she should put her own appalling experiences and lasting trauma aside to accommodate or appease anyone.

Hopefully the demonstrable fact that he is a convicted sex offender and banned from working with children will do the trick.

I think your DS calling you ‘bitter’ may be significant. None of the young people I know use really this word, it sounds like something an older person would say, so I suspect he has heard his dad say it about you.
It’s a shame you don’t know his girlfriend better. If you’ve only met her once, she’s a virtual stranger, so I think sitting her down with him and bearing your soul to them both, as others have suggested, would be really difficult. How soon is the wedding? Is there time to get to know her better? Is there time for you to talk to your son gradually, in stages, rather than have ‘the big talk’ in one go?
I feel for you, you are in an impossible situation. But if push comes to shove, you must put yourself first, so no pre-wedding dinner with the in laws, and no wedding itself. If, once you have told your son the whole story, he still invites his dad, then he will have made that choice, not you. You don’t need to cut off contact for ever, and hopefully can have an ongoing relationship with him and his wife .

Because the DS might, for whatever reason, still want a relationship with his father. He might be making the wrong decision.

In any case, forcing DS to choose is not going to end well. Ultimately if OP can't face it, she can't face it and that's understandable.

But the reason I said I would fight hard, is because I love my son to death and even if he is making a bad decision about continuing a relationship with his father, I still want to be part of his life.

I can't speak for the OP but yes, I personally would try and do it if I can.

I've experienced a different type of trauma so not underplaying it at all. I'm just saying that I would do everything I could to put my son first. I get that not everyone would do the same, and that's understandable.

Yes I think there is some sort of power play going on.
I'm reading between the lines that the Father is pushing the wedding for his own agenda.

The average age of Groom in the UK is 37. Why is a 26 year old desperate to get married to a woman he's not long met?

If I'm right then Ops well out of the who thing. Her son will see the Dads true colours eventually.

Because women have been conditioned to do so for generations. It’s really depressing.

@LuLuLemonDrizzleCake

No. OP needs to put herself and her needs first. It really is that simple.