To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

[GiftBaggage]

DS recently shared the news that he’s getting married. I’m a little surprised since he’s not been with his GF very long (I’ve only met her once) and seemed to be in ‘bachelor’ mode a few short months ago but it’s his life and decision obviously. He’s also planning for all the parents to meet each other at a meal or something along those lines very soon.

The problem is, I don’t know if I can actually be in the same room as his father. I was just 14 when I got pregnant and he was older. He abused me in every way possible, including rape. Then, when I broke up with him, he stalked me intermittently for a few years and was later found guilty of harassment at court. He burgled my house after I bumped into him on public transport and he somehow stole my keys out of my bag (to this day I’ve no idea how). There’s other stuff too but you get the picture.

He completely abandoned our son at 1yo and has never paid a penny in child maintenance. I’ve raised him almost totally alone. DS got back in touch with him a few years ago and seems completely overawed by him. I was really hurt that he told his dad the news before me (not sure why DS wanted me to know that) and feel he’s had a bit of personality transplant since spending time with him.

I haven’t let DS know how I’m feeling and I would never ask him to ‘choose’ between us but I just don’t know how I can physically be in the same room as his dad.

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you deal with it? Advice gratefully received as I’m feeling so upset about it all. I’ve dreaded this day for so long and now it’s actually happening, I don’t know how to handle it 😞

All well and good - your decision. But OP doesn’t have to ‘show up’ for other family members by being in the same room as a man who raped her repeatedly. Other family members here are adults and perfectly capable of understanding why expecting her to do so is unreasonable and minimising of her experience and trauma at his hands. Why on earth would you support that ?

She doesn’t have to do any of this. It’s completely false that she is making it about her. All survivors of rape and abuse can make their own choices, OP is not obliged to show her ex anything, not going does not mean that he defines her in any way.

I would speak to your son and fiancee.

I am not bitter. I am suffering trauma from historical repeated rape, stalking and harassment by your dad. I cannot and will not be excluded from your wedding because he wants to go. He is not allowed to work with children. He is a violent predator and I have shielded you from the worst of it as you were my child. Do you understand that your dad has no place here?

and dependent on what your son says will tell you everything.

Yep, I think the line of ‘I will never be disrespected again by a man, especially
one I have raised’ is powerful. I wouldn’t give for warning they you’re going to have this convo, give them an invite to dinner that’s all.

do you have a partner? Parents? Part of me feels that I wish you could turn up to the wedding and blank him with family support, so that he doesn’t he to that away from you.

im sorry, you deserve so much better.

My mother enabled severe child sexual abuse against me and one of my siblings. She's still with one of the men who were involved in it. He went to jail, came out, and she got back with him.

We have younger siblings who have not had the same experiences as us and for several reasons, still have quite normal contact with their mum and who they see as their stepdad. They are aware that we were taken away and that CSA was a factor, but for several reasons, they don't know the graphic details.

Yes they know the man who is with their mother has the convictions that he does. It's very complicated.

I still attend things of my siblings and their children where my mother and that man are present. I do that for my siblings for a multitude of reasons.

I don't have a relationship with her or him. I accept my siblings do and I maintain a relationship with them. I probably see my mother and him about once a year on average at something of my younger siblings.

So you best believe I'd take the same approach to be at my child's wedding.

Your son is safeguarding himself by not being able to acknowledge the magnitude of the trauma his dad inflicted on you. I do not think you can change this or force him to deal with something he has obviously put in a box. I think you can tell him that for you it is still very raw and you need to continue to protect yourself. He is building a relationship with his dad which is based on lies from his dad and one day he may see that. I do not think you need to go but I also think you need to think about how to say this to you ds. It may help to get some therapy to work through this.

Yes I agree that possibly new wife should know about awful ex, he is a rapist after all.I don't think I'd want my future children around him to be honest.
I also vote for you don't have to attend and be as honest as you can or need to be.
I actually don't understand why you need to go to weddings of funerals of people who have done appaling things, or if said people are going to be at wedding or funeral I would also exclude myself.
Not sure I would go to my kids wedding if they were inviting people who had done me harm in anyway even if less harm than you mention here.

You think celebrating bringing a stalking rapist who is not allowed to work with children into a woman and her potential future children's lives is showing up for the family? Which family? The new parents in law, whose daughter and future grandchildren will now be close proximity with and developing a relationship with this man? The son, whose wife may later be upset and angry she did not know about her father-in-law, or worse? Whose future children could be at risk? Whose mother could indure new rounds of stalking?

I'd show up for my son's wedding. That would be more important to me and I know this from experience. I wouldn't let the bad people stop me from being there.

Perhaps you can avoid the potential 'bear trap' of your Ds saying you are 'bitter' (sounds like his Dad talking directly there?)

Maybe explain that you are not 'bitter' but in fact your ex raped & abused you. Separately, he is ON the Sex Offenders Register. Convicted of a SO crime.
It was not a 'one off youthful mistake'. He is currently on the SO register.
I think your Ds and his bride to be need to know this.

I think you will need to be blunter with DS. He is an adult now & older than you were when this happened to you.

‘DS, I don’t want to go into details but your father raped & traumatised me. I won’t be in the same room as my rapist. That is not a reasonable thing to ask of me.’

I would also not volunteer to avoid the wedding. DS does need to choose. Unfortunately he may choose his manipulative father and that will hurt you, but I still couldn’t be passive about this.

By not attending you are forcing your son to choose between you. What if he chooses his father?
I'm assuming most people there will be people you know, you can draw strength from them. It's a really difficult situation and it could put your relationship with your son at risk. You need to sit him down and have the hard discussion.

Exactly. And as the victim, I decided that I wouldn't miss out on family life due to the actions of abusers.

It sounds like you understandably have PTSD. EMDR therapy rewires your brain and is specifically for traumatic events in the past. You should definitely look into this. You still shouldn't feel forced to meet the in-laws with him there but it might make it possible to exist within the same space at the wedding if you're really keen to attend.

As a rape victim yourself why are you encouraging OP to come face to face with a man who abused her as a child and repeatedly raped her - including in her sleep and while she was feeding their child ?

Your interpretation of the clear and enduring effects of the trauma she suffered at this man’s hands as making her son’s wedding all about her is abhorrent.

The man poses a danger to women, and if he’s been banned from working with children he’s clearly considered a threat to them too. Rather than allowing her family to minimise her experience by expecting her to make nice with him, she should be sitting down with her son and his fiancée and explaining exactly why this piece of shit should be nowhere near their family or any future children.

OP’s son thinks his father is a changed man because he’s clearly in thrall to him and will believe and try to justify anything he says in order to keep him in his life. That, together with the personality changes OP has witnessed in him since his dad has been on the scene, are massive waving red flags.

You need to put yourself first here, OP.

tell your son about what his father did to you, you don’t need to protect your son he is a fully grown man.

and don’t tolerate any disrespect from your son, calling you bitter is not on and he needs telling.

I'd try to meet your son's girlfriend on her own. Tell her the facts. Obviously she may not choose to believe you but you will have done your duty to forward her regarding risks to future grandchildren etc.

I would also be more blunt with your son. I'm sure your ex has twisted the facts. I think it would be easier to face his dad being at the wedding rather than an intimate dinner.

Do you attend social occasions where your rapist will be present and do you have to listen to your adult child praising your rapist and calling you 'bitter'? He raped her as she was breastfeeding her child when she was only a child herself.

Her son is currently showing that the apple possibly didn't fall far from the tree. His lack of empathy and undertanding is concerning in a 26 year old and he seems to now be in thrall to his rapist father.

If it were me, I would find it almost impossible to attend.

This or a letter absolutely. In person would be better but obviously harder.

It sounds like you may have PTSD from the abuse. You cannot be in a room with your rapist and abuser. This is completely reasonable. Whatever your son says, this is true. You could probably talk to your GP about this too and get them to refer on to a therapist or at least write a note stating you have PTSD from abuse.

Don't let your son minimise this, keep speaking the truth. I'd bet good money if your son doesn't listen his fiancee will. She MUST know now about her father in law, this is the only fair thing to do and if she only finds out later she may well feel resentment.

Agree, official documents will help - if he's barred from working with children this will be listed somewhere and you can show them both this.

A very good point here. Your future daughter in law should know for sure. I would go so far as to say that she has a right to know. I think its time, and more than time for your son to know all of your truth and that you refuse to meet the man who raped you, (does your son know he raped you? I am presuming he is a product of that rape?) let alone socialise with him. By all means suggest options so that you aren't making him choose but care for yourself FIRST.

I don’t agree. At least give the son and his fiancée the chance to digest the information and change their minds.

I wasn't sure what the best approach was until I read this.
I think a meet up with the fiancee seems a good idea and just let them know that there are some things in life that are so horrendous that there's no "moving on" because they stay with you forever.
So you want them to know that you are happy for their news, that you love DS and that you would love to be there but you also don't want to re live past trauma and they need to understand that this is not a decision you come to lightly. This is because the abuse was so bad.
I feel for you OP and I hope you are getting help and support from others irl too

It also sounds like your son is being love bombed/groomed by his father.

A very very difficult situation for you. Protect yourself. Start talking to a therapist.

I would also be asking DS if his girlfriend knows his father’s history of abusing young girls & being on the sex offenders register. It may cause a rift between them if she finds out after he has been introduced to any young female siblings/cousins/nieces etc Let alone future children of their own…

@tripleginandtonic

if he chooses his father then he chooses his father 🤷‍♀️ that’s his lookout. He’s an adult. He will soon realise that he made the wrong choice. OP doesn’t have to re traumatise for anyone and that includes her son.