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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lasted 1 week living with MIL.

220 replies

OneBluntApple · 03/10/2025 14:04

Bit of background: I’m 34, have a 9-year-old DS and am 29 weeks pregnant on maternity leave. Me and DP have sold our house and are waiting to move into a new one, so to tide us over we stayed at MIL’s. We expected to be there 8–9 weeks but only lasted one week.

We moved in last Thursday and within days it became clear she was smoking and drinking in the house every night. I knew she smoked, but I thought it was just at weekends outside while she had a little glass of wine. Instead, she smoked in the kitchen every night while we were upstairs with the door shut trying to escape it. DS said he felt sick from the smoke one evening. I thought as I’m pregnant and have a child, she’d smoke outside, but when DP raised it she just moved to standing outside directly under our bedroom window. She even made a snide comment to DP’s brother and his girlfriend that she’d “been told off for smoking.” She hadn’t, she just asked why we sat upstairs all the time and my partner said it’s because of the smoke.

As well as the smoking she was quite overbearing with me. She would try to do my DS’s breakfast on a morning before school and make his packed lunches. Then in the evening she would want to make us all dinner which I said was really lovely, but my partner and I said politely we will make our own food. Partly because her portion sizes were huge and she’d serve desserts that we wouldn’t touch. We had two roast dinners in the space of three days followed by cakes and cheesecakes. I said that we’d cook for ourselves and she didn’t need to make my son’s lunches or breakfast as I enjoy doing it.

I would buy the food to make our meals and my partners work lunches etc and she would always say I’ll do the shopping which I didn’t need her to as it gave me something to do in the afternoon as I was on maternity and I was bored. I did communicate all this with her but she didn’t seem to like it.

I could understand if we were there visiting over the holidays, but we’ve moved in with her to live there. I wasn’t a guest and I didn’t need to be mothered. It felt like she was taking away any independence I had left. I appreciate she wanted to help me, but it was becoming too much. I couldn’t even do my own washing or feed my own child. When I made my partner‘s lunches, she would say that I “spoiled him” but it felt like deep down she wanted to be the one making it. She was always telling me to sit down but she knows I really enjoy cooking.

On top of this, I’ve also struggled to watch her speak to her husband who has got Parkinson’s. She constantly belittled him and swore at him. I told my partner as it was very upsetting.

Yesterday, everything came to a head. DP called her at 1:30pm to say we’d be going back to our old house, mainly due to the smoking. He made sure to say there’s no hard feelings and we were just struggling a little bit as a family not having our own space. She said “yeah ok if that’s what you want.” he called me after to say there was no hard feelings and she’s okay.

When I came back from the school run DP was already there and DP’s cousin was visiting with her children. As soon as I got to the door MIL started a blazing row with me in front of everyone. She told me she was “very cross with me!” which felt so belittling — talking to me like a child. DP stepped in straight away and said “don’t speak to her like that, why are you doing this you said everything was fine earlier?” but MIL just said “well it’s not fine this hasn’t gone through way I planned!” and carried on blaming me. She was shouting at me saying I knew she smoked and I said I didn’t know that and if I had have I wouldn’t have come. But she continued to shout at me saying yes you did know etc.

I ended up going upstairs, packing up mine and DS’s things, and leaving. She then had a massive row with DP, saying everything was my fault. She even said about me “she didn’t have a problem with me smoking when I watched her son for her,” which shocked me because I had no idea she smoked around DS when he stayed there — and I don’t understand how she thinks that’s okay.

AIBU to feel shocked, angry and like I’ve done nothing wrong here?

All I wanted was to get through a few weeks until our move. We’ve had the house move from hell which has been dragging on for the past three months. I’m due a baby in 11 weeks, the house we’re moving into needs work doing before we can live in it and my partner is currently working two jobs. This really is the last thing he or I needed. I just don’t understand how she can say she’s angry? At what? If anything I should be angry at her for smoking round us but rather than making her feel like a guest in her own home we’ve chosen to leave so she can continue her life.

OP posts:
Lovehascomeandgone · 04/10/2025 20:50

I can’t understand how anyone would think it was ok to smoke in a house with a pregnant woman and child. She should have been honest about the extent of the smoking, sounds like she wasn’t. Glad you are out of there OP. MIL sounds like a control freak and a silly bitch to be honest. YANBU.

TheSilentSister · 04/10/2025 20:57

Such a shame you've taken a very generous offer of staying with them and turned it into such a negative. She was obviously keen to do her part and mother you both, take the weight off you. You've rejected her. That's going to hurt. I'm not sure how you will repair the relationship. Sure, your DH will make all sorts of excuses for you but it's unlikely to alter things.
As for the smoking, you knew she smoked, so not sure why you're surprised. In this day and age though, it's totally not ok to smoke in the same room as children. I would have kept my feedback to the smoking issue only. You simply can't move in to someone else's home and start dictating everything. It was not like it was forever.

TheLemonLemur · 04/10/2025 20:58

YANBU to not want to stay in a house with a smoker while pregnant. However I think most people at 29 weeks pregnant would be delighted to have someone making lunches, cooking etc so it sounds as though you were trying to take control in her house.
I don't really buy the I'm on maternity leave it gave me something to do think I'd be putting my effort into getting things done or organising tradespeople for the new house

ChicJoker · 04/10/2025 21:06

Yabu. Put up and shut up. It’s her house, you sound ungrateful. I don’t know many people that would allow you to move in with your brood and cater to you.

Mittleme · 04/10/2025 21:25

Agree I mean she seems to complain about everything .
ridiculous

Bedtimeread · 04/10/2025 21:29

The smoke thing and the way she speaks to partner I will agree with but you sound like you wanted to be in control in her house. I think you threw her kindness in her face with the cooking, washing and helping with DS. At 29 weeks pregnant I would have loved a break.

readingmakesmehappy · 04/10/2025 21:29

The smoking alone would have been enough for me. You cannot smoke in a house with children, it's completely wrong. She was BVVVU to offer to have you to stay if she wasn't going to change her habits.

newnamehereonceagain · 04/10/2025 22:04

Have you been brought up with the concept of ‘being a good guest’ ? Serious question as some people haven’t. It basically means you should be grateful for the invitation and fit in with the house.

As you have specific (good - in my view) reasons for wanting to avoid smoking, you’ve done the right thing moving back.

You need to reach out, though, as this elderly(?) woman was prepared to go to huge lengths for you all and you completely threw it back in her face. Unedifying.

MrsScarecrow · 04/10/2025 22:16

Her home her rules.

AnaisVB · 04/10/2025 22:32

Baffled how any Nan would smoke in the same house as a child and expectant mother it’s just disgusting and really bizarre and selfish judgement on her part.
Agree with other posters though, it sounds like she was offering and trying hard to take care of you all , even if it’s unwanted surely her intentions were good? Sounds like it was just stressful all round and her shouting at your isn’t fair , especially when so heavily pregnant, that is a stress you definitely don’t need and even if she’s got an issue or angry she needs to calm down and speak to you properly. If she drinks a lot maybe she’s just an angry person or always hungover or topping up. Either way stay clear for now sounds like you have enough on your plate .

Spinmerightroundbaby · 04/10/2025 22:47

OneBluntApple · 03/10/2025 14:04

Bit of background: I’m 34, have a 9-year-old DS and am 29 weeks pregnant on maternity leave. Me and DP have sold our house and are waiting to move into a new one, so to tide us over we stayed at MIL’s. We expected to be there 8–9 weeks but only lasted one week.

We moved in last Thursday and within days it became clear she was smoking and drinking in the house every night. I knew she smoked, but I thought it was just at weekends outside while she had a little glass of wine. Instead, she smoked in the kitchen every night while we were upstairs with the door shut trying to escape it. DS said he felt sick from the smoke one evening. I thought as I’m pregnant and have a child, she’d smoke outside, but when DP raised it she just moved to standing outside directly under our bedroom window. She even made a snide comment to DP’s brother and his girlfriend that she’d “been told off for smoking.” She hadn’t, she just asked why we sat upstairs all the time and my partner said it’s because of the smoke.

As well as the smoking she was quite overbearing with me. She would try to do my DS’s breakfast on a morning before school and make his packed lunches. Then in the evening she would want to make us all dinner which I said was really lovely, but my partner and I said politely we will make our own food. Partly because her portion sizes were huge and she’d serve desserts that we wouldn’t touch. We had two roast dinners in the space of three days followed by cakes and cheesecakes. I said that we’d cook for ourselves and she didn’t need to make my son’s lunches or breakfast as I enjoy doing it.

I would buy the food to make our meals and my partners work lunches etc and she would always say I’ll do the shopping which I didn’t need her to as it gave me something to do in the afternoon as I was on maternity and I was bored. I did communicate all this with her but she didn’t seem to like it.

I could understand if we were there visiting over the holidays, but we’ve moved in with her to live there. I wasn’t a guest and I didn’t need to be mothered. It felt like she was taking away any independence I had left. I appreciate she wanted to help me, but it was becoming too much. I couldn’t even do my own washing or feed my own child. When I made my partner‘s lunches, she would say that I “spoiled him” but it felt like deep down she wanted to be the one making it. She was always telling me to sit down but she knows I really enjoy cooking.

On top of this, I’ve also struggled to watch her speak to her husband who has got Parkinson’s. She constantly belittled him and swore at him. I told my partner as it was very upsetting.

Yesterday, everything came to a head. DP called her at 1:30pm to say we’d be going back to our old house, mainly due to the smoking. He made sure to say there’s no hard feelings and we were just struggling a little bit as a family not having our own space. She said “yeah ok if that’s what you want.” he called me after to say there was no hard feelings and she’s okay.

When I came back from the school run DP was already there and DP’s cousin was visiting with her children. As soon as I got to the door MIL started a blazing row with me in front of everyone. She told me she was “very cross with me!” which felt so belittling — talking to me like a child. DP stepped in straight away and said “don’t speak to her like that, why are you doing this you said everything was fine earlier?” but MIL just said “well it’s not fine this hasn’t gone through way I planned!” and carried on blaming me. She was shouting at me saying I knew she smoked and I said I didn’t know that and if I had have I wouldn’t have come. But she continued to shout at me saying yes you did know etc.

I ended up going upstairs, packing up mine and DS’s things, and leaving. She then had a massive row with DP, saying everything was my fault. She even said about me “she didn’t have a problem with me smoking when I watched her son for her,” which shocked me because I had no idea she smoked around DS when he stayed there — and I don’t understand how she thinks that’s okay.

AIBU to feel shocked, angry and like I’ve done nothing wrong here?

All I wanted was to get through a few weeks until our move. We’ve had the house move from hell which has been dragging on for the past three months. I’m due a baby in 11 weeks, the house we’re moving into needs work doing before we can live in it and my partner is currently working two jobs. This really is the last thing he or I needed. I just don’t understand how she can say she’s angry? At what? If anything I should be angry at her for smoking round us but rather than making her feel like a guest in her own home we’ve chosen to leave so she can continue her life.

I don’t understand why she’s so upset with you. Your husband handled the situation with grace. Regarding the smoking, as a non-smoker and someone who doesn’t like it either, at the end of the day it was her house. She has a point in that you knew going into the home, that she smoked, and about her habits. You can’t move into someone else’s home and expect them to adjust their whole way of life for you (unless it is just a couple of days). She was living her life and did make some compromises for you, but you can’t expect someone to smoke outside of their own home. Plus, if it makes you feel better - my mother and lots of others I know had mothers who smoked during pregnancy or were exposed to it and were fine (as far as I know, bar some unexpected consequence in the future!).

I have never smoked and thankfully my mother gave it up, but before then I never dictated any rules around smoking when in her home, only when she came to mine around my children. I accepted that when we visited, as unpleasant as it was, she would smoke sometimes in her own home.

think if we take ‘smoking’ out and look at any potential objectionable behaviour, if you know a person does it and decide to live with them for more then a few days, you can’t really expect them to adjust their whole way of life for you.

PopcornKitten · 04/10/2025 22:48

MILs house = her rules. You can’t just expect her to live by your rules in her own home.

Julimia · 04/10/2025 23:13

Not even for her own grandchildren and family??

LBFseBrom · 04/10/2025 23:14

She wasn't smoking in the same room as them. I get that the smell lingers but you'd have to actually inhale quite a lot of actual smoke, not just the smell, for it to, possibly, cause any harm. People smoked everywhere for years and others accepted it.

I don't smoke but others smoking - and serving big dinners - wouldn't have bothered me.

Endorewitch · 05/10/2025 00:03

I agree with you on smoking. Not acceptable.
But with everything else you are being very unreasonable and frankly not very nice to her. She thinks she is being helpful by making DS sandwiches. She cooked 2 roasts with desserts. And you are complaining!!!You say she cooks too much. Then eat samaller portions!It is not a house share. You are temporary guests.
I have had both my daughters and families staying for similar reasons and I generalky cooked. Especially the first week. I would have been insulted if they bought their own food and cooked separately!!Like acquaintancs sharing a house. To say nothing of wasting gas and electricity!
PS.
If you get annoyed by someone offering you a deesert,then dont eat it!!It will freeze well rnough.

FattyMallow · 05/10/2025 01:39

Both you and your MIL seem like difficult people.

Zanzara · 05/10/2025 02:09

DIYagainstMould · 03/10/2025 15:45

I am actually surprised that a lousy old woman who smokes is actually such a great active cook and makes even cakes every day, wow, including cheesecakes, wow.

About the smocking, no, no way, but looking after you, she was nice.

Not much to be said here, really. The woman is not a saint but not evil witch either.

What do you mean by "a lousy old woman", please?

Joloman74 · 05/10/2025 03:02

CremeEggThief · 03/10/2025 14:15

Look it's over now and it's for the best as you obviously weren't compatible.

You had no right to expect her to stop drinking and smoking in her own home for any reason whatsoever though. None at all.

No right to want to protect the health of her son and unborn baby, are you for real? It might be the MILs home but it's common sense and decency to not expose others to harmful second hand smoke!

JMSA · 05/10/2025 03:33

Am I alone in thinking that her meals sound bloody brilliant? 😁

JMSA · 05/10/2025 03:35

FattyMallow · 05/10/2025 01:39

Both you and your MIL seem like difficult people.

Also this.

PollyBell · 05/10/2025 03:35

You moved into her house she has every right to do what she wants

StmMary · 05/10/2025 08:20

OneBluntApple · 03/10/2025 14:04

Bit of background: I’m 34, have a 9-year-old DS and am 29 weeks pregnant on maternity leave. Me and DP have sold our house and are waiting to move into a new one, so to tide us over we stayed at MIL’s. We expected to be there 8–9 weeks but only lasted one week.

We moved in last Thursday and within days it became clear she was smoking and drinking in the house every night. I knew she smoked, but I thought it was just at weekends outside while she had a little glass of wine. Instead, she smoked in the kitchen every night while we were upstairs with the door shut trying to escape it. DS said he felt sick from the smoke one evening. I thought as I’m pregnant and have a child, she’d smoke outside, but when DP raised it she just moved to standing outside directly under our bedroom window. She even made a snide comment to DP’s brother and his girlfriend that she’d “been told off for smoking.” She hadn’t, she just asked why we sat upstairs all the time and my partner said it’s because of the smoke.

As well as the smoking she was quite overbearing with me. She would try to do my DS’s breakfast on a morning before school and make his packed lunches. Then in the evening she would want to make us all dinner which I said was really lovely, but my partner and I said politely we will make our own food. Partly because her portion sizes were huge and she’d serve desserts that we wouldn’t touch. We had two roast dinners in the space of three days followed by cakes and cheesecakes. I said that we’d cook for ourselves and she didn’t need to make my son’s lunches or breakfast as I enjoy doing it.

I would buy the food to make our meals and my partners work lunches etc and she would always say I’ll do the shopping which I didn’t need her to as it gave me something to do in the afternoon as I was on maternity and I was bored. I did communicate all this with her but she didn’t seem to like it.

I could understand if we were there visiting over the holidays, but we’ve moved in with her to live there. I wasn’t a guest and I didn’t need to be mothered. It felt like she was taking away any independence I had left. I appreciate she wanted to help me, but it was becoming too much. I couldn’t even do my own washing or feed my own child. When I made my partner‘s lunches, she would say that I “spoiled him” but it felt like deep down she wanted to be the one making it. She was always telling me to sit down but she knows I really enjoy cooking.

On top of this, I’ve also struggled to watch her speak to her husband who has got Parkinson’s. She constantly belittled him and swore at him. I told my partner as it was very upsetting.

Yesterday, everything came to a head. DP called her at 1:30pm to say we’d be going back to our old house, mainly due to the smoking. He made sure to say there’s no hard feelings and we were just struggling a little bit as a family not having our own space. She said “yeah ok if that’s what you want.” he called me after to say there was no hard feelings and she’s okay.

When I came back from the school run DP was already there and DP’s cousin was visiting with her children. As soon as I got to the door MIL started a blazing row with me in front of everyone. She told me she was “very cross with me!” which felt so belittling — talking to me like a child. DP stepped in straight away and said “don’t speak to her like that, why are you doing this you said everything was fine earlier?” but MIL just said “well it’s not fine this hasn’t gone through way I planned!” and carried on blaming me. She was shouting at me saying I knew she smoked and I said I didn’t know that and if I had have I wouldn’t have come. But she continued to shout at me saying yes you did know etc.

I ended up going upstairs, packing up mine and DS’s things, and leaving. She then had a massive row with DP, saying everything was my fault. She even said about me “she didn’t have a problem with me smoking when I watched her son for her,” which shocked me because I had no idea she smoked around DS when he stayed there — and I don’t understand how she thinks that’s okay.

AIBU to feel shocked, angry and like I’ve done nothing wrong here?

All I wanted was to get through a few weeks until our move. We’ve had the house move from hell which has been dragging on for the past three months. I’m due a baby in 11 weeks, the house we’re moving into needs work doing before we can live in it and my partner is currently working two jobs. This really is the last thing he or I needed. I just don’t understand how she can say she’s angry? At what? If anything I should be angry at her for smoking round us but rather than making her feel like a guest in her own home we’ve chosen to leave so she can continue her life.

I' think because your stressed and pregnant your very touchy.
I think your mother in law was trying to please you all by been helpful. Making lovely old fashioned meals.
She thought doing the sandwiches was helping you.
I think your very ungrateful . She's took you into her home and she can drink smoke if she wants. Do what she wants. . You can't control Her.
You'll never have a relationship now after this.
You should have enjoyed the mam making meals and hopefully you got some well deserved rest before you have the baby and move.
You need to think about your behavior as been.. Not hers..

hcee19 · 05/10/2025 08:21

I totally agree with you, anywhere near someone smoking is a no go area, but you must have known she smoked before you agreed to go and stay with her...
I think you are very ungrateful about her wanting to cook and shop for you. Ever given a thought that she wanted to help you out, especially in the mornings giving your ds his breakfast and making up his lunch box is very nice of her...
You also mentioned she isn't nice to her husband as he isn't a well man , she maybe just a little bit tired of being a carer, it can be hard work...You are very selfish, all about you...your in laws offered you a place to stay and you have thrown it back in their faces...l bet you are hard work, everything has to be about you....

PlumOrca · 05/10/2025 08:53

OneBluntApple · 03/10/2025 14:04

Bit of background: I’m 34, have a 9-year-old DS and am 29 weeks pregnant on maternity leave. Me and DP have sold our house and are waiting to move into a new one, so to tide us over we stayed at MIL’s. We expected to be there 8–9 weeks but only lasted one week.

We moved in last Thursday and within days it became clear she was smoking and drinking in the house every night. I knew she smoked, but I thought it was just at weekends outside while she had a little glass of wine. Instead, she smoked in the kitchen every night while we were upstairs with the door shut trying to escape it. DS said he felt sick from the smoke one evening. I thought as I’m pregnant and have a child, she’d smoke outside, but when DP raised it she just moved to standing outside directly under our bedroom window. She even made a snide comment to DP’s brother and his girlfriend that she’d “been told off for smoking.” She hadn’t, she just asked why we sat upstairs all the time and my partner said it’s because of the smoke.

As well as the smoking she was quite overbearing with me. She would try to do my DS’s breakfast on a morning before school and make his packed lunches. Then in the evening she would want to make us all dinner which I said was really lovely, but my partner and I said politely we will make our own food. Partly because her portion sizes were huge and she’d serve desserts that we wouldn’t touch. We had two roast dinners in the space of three days followed by cakes and cheesecakes. I said that we’d cook for ourselves and she didn’t need to make my son’s lunches or breakfast as I enjoy doing it.

I would buy the food to make our meals and my partners work lunches etc and she would always say I’ll do the shopping which I didn’t need her to as it gave me something to do in the afternoon as I was on maternity and I was bored. I did communicate all this with her but she didn’t seem to like it.

I could understand if we were there visiting over the holidays, but we’ve moved in with her to live there. I wasn’t a guest and I didn’t need to be mothered. It felt like she was taking away any independence I had left. I appreciate she wanted to help me, but it was becoming too much. I couldn’t even do my own washing or feed my own child. When I made my partner‘s lunches, she would say that I “spoiled him” but it felt like deep down she wanted to be the one making it. She was always telling me to sit down but she knows I really enjoy cooking.

On top of this, I’ve also struggled to watch her speak to her husband who has got Parkinson’s. She constantly belittled him and swore at him. I told my partner as it was very upsetting.

Yesterday, everything came to a head. DP called her at 1:30pm to say we’d be going back to our old house, mainly due to the smoking. He made sure to say there’s no hard feelings and we were just struggling a little bit as a family not having our own space. She said “yeah ok if that’s what you want.” he called me after to say there was no hard feelings and she’s okay.

When I came back from the school run DP was already there and DP’s cousin was visiting with her children. As soon as I got to the door MIL started a blazing row with me in front of everyone. She told me she was “very cross with me!” which felt so belittling — talking to me like a child. DP stepped in straight away and said “don’t speak to her like that, why are you doing this you said everything was fine earlier?” but MIL just said “well it’s not fine this hasn’t gone through way I planned!” and carried on blaming me. She was shouting at me saying I knew she smoked and I said I didn’t know that and if I had have I wouldn’t have come. But she continued to shout at me saying yes you did know etc.

I ended up going upstairs, packing up mine and DS’s things, and leaving. She then had a massive row with DP, saying everything was my fault. She even said about me “she didn’t have a problem with me smoking when I watched her son for her,” which shocked me because I had no idea she smoked around DS when he stayed there — and I don’t understand how she thinks that’s okay.

AIBU to feel shocked, angry and like I’ve done nothing wrong here?

All I wanted was to get through a few weeks until our move. We’ve had the house move from hell which has been dragging on for the past three months. I’m due a baby in 11 weeks, the house we’re moving into needs work doing before we can live in it and my partner is currently working two jobs. This really is the last thing he or I needed. I just don’t understand how she can say she’s angry? At what? If anything I should be angry at her for smoking round us but rather than making her feel like a guest in her own home we’ve chosen to leave so she can continue her life.

I think you've probably both been a bit unreasonable at times.

It's her house and she was kind enough to let the three of you live with her for what was going to be two months. If she smokes and drinks in her own home, that's her right. I hear you about smoking in front of your child but you said she wasn't smoking around them. She was smoking in the kitchen and then when you brought it up, starting smoking by the window - that in itself is a change in behaviour she made in her own home to appease you all.

The meals thing is kinda where you lost me. She was making you food and wanting to feed you all, you've interpreted that as a negative thing but I see it as someone wanting to look after what she sees as her family while they're staying in her home, and I can imagine she probably felt like it was a smack in the face when you started to turn them down and visibly do things separately. I'm sure there could be have been a really appreciative and kind way to say 'oh! No dessert for me thanks!' and then after some time say 'now, I'm so grateful for all the meals you've been cooking us but I don't want you to keep going through so much trouble so I'm going to start doing some cooking if you don't mind'.

How did it come to a head? It sounds to me you'd just realised that it was too oppressive living in someone else's home and changed your mind which is fine but, me, I wouldn't have stayed in the first place because I know I really dislike not being fully independent in my living space and there's not a hope in hell I'd ever stay with my mother in law for longer than a couple days. So from her perspective, you came into her home, complained about her behaviour, insinuated she didn't care about her grandchildren, tried to get her change it and were ungrateful about her food then out of the blue left.

Where I can be balanced is that she does sound a bit overbearing, like the typical matriarch mother in law wanting to overfeed everyone (is she European by any chance?) and sounds quite sensitive so when you asked her to stop smoking in her house she got touchy. You are also pregnant and probably are struggling with raging hormones.

If she is a decent woman and you want her in your lives, id probably attempt to repair the damage but I'd never go back. Like I said, I couldn't imagine anything worse than living with my MIL.

UnintentionalArcher · 05/10/2025 09:34

@OneBluntApple

I agree with lots of others.

The smoking part isn’t ok - smoking in the kitchen means that fumes will get everywhere. Smoking under the window - did you have the window shut? Not sure if smoke could potentially still get in but perhaps not ideal, though the woman obviously needs to smoke somewhere. If she’s been smoking around your son without you knowing, then I’d side with you on that. This is perhaps something where you fundamentally differ in values.

The cooking and meals part - I’m less sympathetic after just a week. I would also find it overbearing after a while (and I wouldn’t want so much unhealthy food) but for a short time as a guest in someone else’s house, I would’ve tolerated it or found other ways around it. It sounds like she was trying to show kindness and as you were only there for a week, perhaps the enthusiasm for that volume of cooking would’ve worn off. I think that there are ways around this while being really kind and polite.

That is, of course, unless you were not guests but paying lodgers - did you have an arrangement to contribute financially? If so, I can see why you might’ve expected a bit more of a house share arrangement.

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