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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not wanting my kid to wear hijab or get into her dads wife new culture?

323 replies

Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:07

we have a 7 year old daughter.
for me is one thing learning about different religion’s and cultures but not tryna get a step kid into YOUR religion like telling my daughter if she would like to wear a hijab when she’s older, and baby daddy is a whimp and easy controlled by his wife. This may come out as an asshole but i don’t want to grow my kid into something that shes not born from. I respect people who are born from placeses that wear hijabs and have their culture and religions. But our daughter dosn’t belong in this culture shes half norwegian and half south america, im from south america and her dad is norwegian so it make sense that she takes those culture. Sorry for my bad english but i didn’t know i have to deal with a step mom trying to interfere deeper into my daughter life

OP posts:
FaitesVosJeux · 03/10/2025 13:39

"tryna"

Nope.

EasternStandard · 03/10/2025 13:40

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 03/10/2025 12:47

If you're as strident with your daughter as you are on this thread, I would expect her teenage rebellion phase (against you) will be to don the hijab, quite likely irrespective of her beliefs

Baseless, as much as some might want this, it’s just another go at the op.

BundleBoogie · 03/10/2025 13:40

SprayWhiteDung · 03/10/2025 13:29

Indeed. But the attempted indoctrination is not something that the OP has actually mentioned; it just seems to be a strawman that some people on this thread have said up and are then attacking.

Amazingly, it's the adult who is telling the child that she can make her own decisions about religion when she's grown up who is being screamed at!!

Well the stepmom is highly unlikely to be offering the hijab as a fashion accessory. Encouraging a 7 year old into adopting religious practices from a faith not of her family IS indoctrination.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/10/2025 13:41

miraxxx · 03/10/2025 12:59

OP is being gaslighted and being sneered at as a bigot not so subtly on this thread because she has touched on the livewire topic of Islam and even worse, the hijab and has triggered the right-on anti-racists into active combat duty.

  1. The Op explains she is from S America and not fluent in English or explaining herself well.
  2. Op has expressed that she has no objections to her daughter learning a different culture but expresses strong and justified reservations about her daughter being pressurised into modesty dressing and harmful ideas about bodily autonomy and sexuality.
  3. Op has already been lied to by her Norwegian ex. He is almost certainly a muslim convert but has not informed OP. There is no possibility of an observant muslim woman who wears the hijab of marrying a non muslim man. Sharia law is obdurate on this point. Also the law is different for a muslim man and this difference is important as I will explain later.
  4. OP must clear this issue with her ex first and understand that her child's father is now a muslim and as a muslim father, he "owns" his child in the eyes of his new wife and her religion. This is the reason that muslim man can marry non-muslims while muslim women cannot : their offspring are automatically muslim. Sharia courts the world over are very clear on this issue. OP must must negotiate the boundaries of this new reality and assert her rights and wishes. Legally if need be. She is lucky that she lives in Norway and thus still free to do this. There are infamous courtcases in "liberal" countries like Malaysia where non-muslim men facing custody battles with their non-muslim wives, secretly converted to Islam and were instantly awarded custody as the legal owner of the children while the wives could not even be heard. The women never recovered their children.
  5. Op must then understand the reality of modesty culture and educate herself and her daughter on Islam, so they can better negotiate this new life free from ignorance and prejudice. OP's daughter as an uncovered female creates a tension in the stepmum's household which may include other MALE muslim family members. There are rules on which male relatives you can expose your aurat to. OP's daughter as she grows into puberty unwrapped will be seen as restricting the freedom of these male muslims. She will face tremendous pressure to cover up. No ifs and buts about this. Muslim teen girls living in the west who have resisted this family pressure have been murdered. I am not saying she will be murdered for the slow of thinking but that she will face strong pressure and has to be protected from this.
  6. The hijab is not just a neutral piece of cloth or a scarf. It is a highly sexualised symbol of behaviour, control, restricted bodily and sexual autonomy. The 20th century saw muslim feminists across the globe fighting the hijab as an oppressive and repressive tool but sadly that battle has been lost everywhere in the muslim world (and the west) except in Iran where brave girls and women continue their lonely fight, losing life and limbs.
  7. Op is 100% justified in seeing this as a freedom issue and recognising the danger to her child. So do the vast majority of those who have answered the poll. Yet few are brave enough to express in writing their support of OP. God forbid they be called racist and islamophobic. There is already clear social pressure in this thread to browbeat OP with her supposed bigotry.

This is a very interesting and thought provoking post. I wouldn’t have thought of all of this.

I think Op does need to find out the true situation re the exh, and his new wife, and if necessary protect her dd through the courts.

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/10/2025 13:41

EasternStandard · 03/10/2025 13:40

Baseless, as much as some might want this, it’s just another go at the op.

Have you ever met a teenager?

Finteq · 03/10/2025 13:42

RosaMundi27 · 03/10/2025 13:03

To the people shaming the OP for wanting her child to be brought up in her natal culture - please ask yourself on what planet it is ok to make a 7 year old girl ashamed and self-conscious about her hair being seen?

When did op say that happened?

She hasn't even told us what actually happened?

Her daughter tried on a hijab. We've not been told much else apart from this.

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/10/2025 13:43

BundleBoogie · 03/10/2025 13:40

Well the stepmom is highly unlikely to be offering the hijab as a fashion accessory. Encouraging a 7 year old into adopting religious practices from a faith not of her family IS indoctrination.

From what the OP herself has said nobody has done that. The woman let her try on a scarf and said she could wear one when she's older if she wants to. How is that indoctrination?

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 03/10/2025 13:44

Religion/culture are used all too often to excuse behaviours and to ensure that they are never criticised.

The same behaviours wouldn’t be accepted outside of those religions/cultures so why does religion/culture make it ok? It doesn’t. And the sooner this becomes a mainstream view the better.

By way of an example, parent takes a tiny baby into a shop to have its ears pierced. They hold it down and listen to it scream while they do so, and people judge, until someone says “but that’s what they do in x culture.” At which point the judgement is expected to cease. Why should it? It’s no less child abuse if it’s cultural than if it isn’t.

It’s the same with this topic. If a white atheist but sexist misogynist man started demanding that his daughter cover up not a single person would defend that. Yet a knowingly sexist misogynist religion insists that girls cover up,and those who judge are called islamophobic. IMO there’s no such thing.

Islam as any religion is a choice, and while I absolutely defend anyone’s right to choose to live however they want, that does not absolve them of criticism for the choices they make, especially on behalf of their children.

If you come from any religion, then you have to accept that if you choose to be part of that religion, people will associate you with its negative traits.

And as much as people are criticising the OP here, we all know that unfortunately plenty of young girls have been indoctrinated into Islam. The same young girls who have often ended up in Syria. And plenty of boys are indoctrinated into Islam, they end up as the pawns of terrorists.

Most Muslims are of course not like that. But a Muslim woman who wasn’t like that would know what kind of impression it would create if she started encouraging her stepdaughter to wear the hijab. It’s indisputable.

Finteq · 03/10/2025 13:44

TheBaronesshasWrittenaLetter · 03/10/2025 13:31

Has her dad converted to Islam?

We don't know because op isn't answering any questions about her ex or if she's gonna speak to.him.about it.

EasternStandard · 03/10/2025 13:46

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/10/2025 13:41

Have you ever met a teenager?

They’re not all as you think in your post and yes.

JetFlight · 03/10/2025 13:47

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/10/2025 13:31

It does happen though as I mentioned above. (Muslim woman marrying a Hindu with consent of both parents and two religious ceremonies. It can't be the only one.)

Edited

This happens usually when they’re culturally religious but not really practicing. I know of a Jewish and Muslim couple and lots others but none were really religious. How can it work if one is very religious to the extent that they follow the laws strictly?

miraxxx · 03/10/2025 13:49

SprayWhiteDung · 03/10/2025 13:37

Aside from the fact that you can't just ban a parent from having contact with his own child for no very good (court-sanctioned) reason, you are literally making gigantic imaginary leaps, presenting them as established truth and then arguing against them!

I suppose OP could try going to court, seeking to deny her DD's father access to her on the grounds that he is married to a woman who has told their DD that she will be free to make religious choices for herself when she's an adult, if she so wishes...

Some choices are not fully free and cannot be undone easily. What people say and what they actually allow need not coincide.The period from now to adulthood as an uncovered non-muslim female member of the family has to be carefully negotiated. If the younger step sibling is female and wears a hijab in the presence of an older sibling who does not and can be accused of leading the younger one astray...The context of the wider extended family and their reactions...What is the freedom of OP's child if say, she goes on a picnic to the beach with dad and new family and wears a bikini?

WearyAuldWumman · 03/10/2025 13:50

Mildorado · 03/10/2025 12:53

That's interesting. I'm in the North of England, in a town with a sizable Muslim population. In the secondary school which I teach, probably 5/6 girls in each class will wear a hijab. The full abaya is worn by some girls.
Each primary school seems to have a number of girls wearing the hijab, I'm not sure at what age, but clearly at most they are 11. So yes, some seem to start very young.
The only thing banned is the full face covering, so the father removed those girls from the school.

I never did find out what happened with the imam's daughters. Ours is a relatively small community and I'm unaware of any girls wearing the veil in any school in the county.

The only faith schools in the county are Catholic schools and it is not uncommon for Muslim families to send their children there.

ginasevern · 03/10/2025 13:51

@FutureMarchionessOfVidal "I suspect the hijab may be the least of your issues; & suggest you think carefully about how the bilious attitude to other cultures that is so unpleasantly displayed in your posts may come across to your daughter."

The OP is South American. She has every right to protect her culture and want to raise her daughter within that heritage. Just as Islamic parents raise their daughters under Islamic cultural expectations, which are in fact usually non-negotiable. Why don't you go and tell them that their attitudes are "bilious". Let's see what reaction you get. Go on, I double dare you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/10/2025 13:51

Tropicana46 · 03/10/2025 11:26

I agree. I'd be absolutely livid. Recently a Muslim man came into my DD's school to talk to them about a Islam and I wasn't happy about that either. FWIW I'd feel the same way if Christianity were being pushed. I'm trying my best to instil critical thinking skills into her though so hopefully she won't be swayed by any of these people.

I don't have a problem with spirituality or questioning whether there is something else but it seems to me like organised religion just represses women and strips them of bodily autonomy.

Why weren’t you happy about that? Surely teaching comparative religion is the way to garner understanding and dispel unfounded rumour.
Would you be unhappy with any other religious representative addressing the children about their beliefs?

Finteq · 03/10/2025 13:52

miraxxx · 03/10/2025 13:49

Some choices are not fully free and cannot be undone easily. What people say and what they actually allow need not coincide.The period from now to adulthood as an uncovered non-muslim female member of the family has to be carefully negotiated. If the younger step sibling is female and wears a hijab in the presence of an older sibling who does not and can be accused of leading the younger one astray...The context of the wider extended family and their reactions...What is the freedom of OP's child if say, she goes on a picnic to the beach with dad and new family and wears a bikini?

I read a story when younger.

Clever Else.

About a woman who worried about what may be. And what could be.

She was considered so clever. She married a guy who was so happy to have a wife considered so clever. Spoiler she had a bad ending

Anyway- there's no point in catastrophising about what may happen or could happen in 10 years time- ex may have a new wife by then.

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/10/2025 13:53

JetFlight · 03/10/2025 13:47

This happens usually when they’re culturally religious but not really practicing. I know of a Jewish and Muslim couple and lots others but none were really religious. How can it work if one is very religious to the extent that they follow the laws strictly?

The parents were both practicing although the mother didn't wear a hijab.

FrauPaige · 03/10/2025 13:53

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 03/10/2025 13:44

Religion/culture are used all too often to excuse behaviours and to ensure that they are never criticised.

The same behaviours wouldn’t be accepted outside of those religions/cultures so why does religion/culture make it ok? It doesn’t. And the sooner this becomes a mainstream view the better.

By way of an example, parent takes a tiny baby into a shop to have its ears pierced. They hold it down and listen to it scream while they do so, and people judge, until someone says “but that’s what they do in x culture.” At which point the judgement is expected to cease. Why should it? It’s no less child abuse if it’s cultural than if it isn’t.

It’s the same with this topic. If a white atheist but sexist misogynist man started demanding that his daughter cover up not a single person would defend that. Yet a knowingly sexist misogynist religion insists that girls cover up,and those who judge are called islamophobic. IMO there’s no such thing.

Islam as any religion is a choice, and while I absolutely defend anyone’s right to choose to live however they want, that does not absolve them of criticism for the choices they make, especially on behalf of their children.

If you come from any religion, then you have to accept that if you choose to be part of that religion, people will associate you with its negative traits.

And as much as people are criticising the OP here, we all know that unfortunately plenty of young girls have been indoctrinated into Islam. The same young girls who have often ended up in Syria. And plenty of boys are indoctrinated into Islam, they end up as the pawns of terrorists.

Most Muslims are of course not like that. But a Muslim woman who wasn’t like that would know what kind of impression it would create if she started encouraging her stepdaughter to wear the hijab. It’s indisputable.

Do Christians indoctrinate their children?

Should we be mobilising to ban baptisms?

miraxxx · 03/10/2025 13:54

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/10/2025 13:31

It does happen though as I mentioned above. (Muslim woman marrying a Hindu with consent of both parents and two religious ceremonies. It can't be the only one.)

Edited

A muslim (male or female) who takes part in a hindu marriage ceremony is an apostate and not a muslim in the eyes of any muslim community or court. The greatest sin in islam is shirk. Your friend may well have had a hindu marriage but she or he is no longer a muslim. One or the other but not both.

QuickPeachPoet · 03/10/2025 13:56

Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:55

@QuickPeachPoet when shes older yea but now shes just a kid and have no idea about what these are used for, and meaning behind them and can be very overwhelming for a small kid not growend up into this culture to follow that, because dads new wife uses them

Exactly.
Now would be a good time for a bit of cultural education, teaching her what they are and why certain women of certain cultures and beliefs wear them. But leaving it there - just learning. She should not be caught up in it or encouraged to partake. They are for older ladies.

Finteq · 03/10/2025 13:56

miraxxx · 03/10/2025 13:54

A muslim (male or female) who takes part in a hindu marriage ceremony is an apostate and not a muslim in the eyes of any muslim community or court. The greatest sin in islam is shirk. Your friend may well have had a hindu marriage but she or he is no longer a muslim. One or the other but not both.

I doubt the woman cared as long as her family were accepting her into the community. And regarding marriage as long as its legal in the UK again I doubt she cared much.

In end it's not for any human on Earth to judge whether she is a Muslim or not. That's between her and her God.

Howwilliknow122 · 03/10/2025 13:58

Thecuddlymeoow · 03/10/2025 10:25

@PraisebetoGod hes a bit clumsy but is not denying this either. Prob because if he has a kid with this woman than that kid will be learning and taken into this culture of hers, i told him that i DO NOT agree in this that no hijabs in my house. When shes 18+ its her choice what she wants to do but shes just a kid yet, and she will be learned her own culture and religions that she belongs to

Im sorry op i would be very careful. Im taking what you've said at its exact face value and as a muslim myself I dont find this normal in fact it sounds like shes obsessed with religion if she feels the need to discuss this with your child . She is not the parent and even as parents we cant force such things on anyone let alone our kids. Speak up now!! Its threads like this as well that really plants the seeds that Muslims are all extremists, this is usually down to culture as well as pig headed men and women who think they know everything about religion when they dont. Listen theres bad ppl in all religions, dont we know this by now?

ginasevern · 03/10/2025 13:59

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/10/2025 13:51

Why weren’t you happy about that? Surely teaching comparative religion is the way to garner understanding and dispel unfounded rumour.
Would you be unhappy with any other religious representative addressing the children about their beliefs?

The post you responded to clearly stated "I'd feel the same way if Christianity were being pushed. I'm trying my best to instil critical thinking skills into her".

miraxxx · 03/10/2025 14:01

Finteq · 03/10/2025 13:52

I read a story when younger.

Clever Else.

About a woman who worried about what may be. And what could be.

She was considered so clever. She married a guy who was so happy to have a wife considered so clever. Spoiler she had a bad ending

Anyway- there's no point in catastrophising about what may happen or could happen in 10 years time- ex may have a new wife by then.

I pointed out the practicalities of daily life and you say I am catastrophising?
I stuck to dress as it is what Op brought up and it is a serious issue when bringing up a young girl- are you okay with slut shaming?
There is also the issue of diet and alcohol. Op's daughter may eat pork or be careless about eating pork in front of her step family - will she be scolded for that? As she grows up, she may drink alcohol or have bfs -haram or halal?

BundleBoogie · 03/10/2025 14:04

CaptainMyCaptain · 03/10/2025 13:41

Have you ever met a teenager?

None of my teenagers deliberately go against advice I have given them for their own wellbeing just to wind me up.

Maybe that’s a ‘you’ problem?