to have left a wedding early to get back to my baby

[horchatatresleches]

One of DH’s friends had a childfree wedding last weekend which was childfree. We have a 6 month old and left him with MIL for the wedding. We’ve started doing first tastes of food but he’s mostly breastfed. I left him with a stash of expressed breastmilk, and some foods he likes. We’d tested him with the bottle in the weeks before the wedding and did a trial with DS and MIL before the wedding for a couple of hours which was fine. I planned to leave after the meal and DH was going to stay late into the night with his friends.

Anyway, the day of the wedding for whatever reason DS wasn’t having it. MIL tried everything and he wouldn’t settle, wouldn’t feed either with milk or food and was getting more and more upset so she called me back. This was during the drinks reception so the couple were having their photos taken so I couldn’t say goodbye. DH stayed until the end and apologised on my behalf I had to leave early.

Now we’ve found out they were annoyed I left because they’d paid for my meal and could have used my spot for someone else. I know having a wedding is expensive but I don’t really know what I could have done differently. I do feel bad that they paid for a meal that I didn’t eat, but that’s how weddings go sometimes. I had a couple of people pull out on the day of my wedding who were sick and it’s just one of those things. Obviously DS is my priority and we RSVPed yes for me in good faith and it just didn’t work out.

Yes, I'd feel pleased that you'd made all that effort to attend.

😂

I haven't read the comments but your baby is more important than a wedding.

@horchatatresleches
Its done, nothing you can do about it. You can't leave an unsettled Baby. That just becomes crazy stressful for everyone and cruel to the baby.

You can only move forward. Invite them round after their honeymoon, you'd love to see their video / photos whatever.
Then you can drop in 'I'm really sorry I had to leave MIL couldn't get baby to settle, or take a bottle, im gutted I'd been really looking forward to the wedding and getting a night off'

I’m going to guess it was child free as they have no children? This is the sort of scenario that you won’t understand until you have children of your own and if you give it enough time to settle the penny will drop for the bride and groom. Prioritising your child, particularly your baby is never the wrong thing to do. It makes you a good mum who was trying your best for your friends and if they are hurt by it then they’ll just have to sit in their feelings for a while.

They're 'allowed' to be annoyed, in that it isn't illegal or anything. It does make them dicks, though.

The couple are being unreasonable. Your breastfed baby comes first. My second didn't eat food until closer to 12 months. You did all you could to attend and you can't control how a baby is going to act on a certain day. Your little one comes first and you did the right thing

Let them be pissed off.

Exactly. They're allowed to be annoyed but they're also able to be rational. This should never have got back to the OP, the couple shouldn't have been gossiping about her and whoever repeated it shouldn't have. It's an absolute nothing.

I would send them a message and apologise and wish them well off on their honeymoon, then give it no more thought. It’s not like you bunked off for a girls night out because it was a better offer. Your childcare requested you come home and take over. You can’t exactly say no. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We had 3 guests who left before the meal because they had to get back home to a terminally ill grandparent. It never even occurred to me to be upset. We were just incredibly thankful they even came given all that was going on.

YANBU. You did everything you could to prepare to leave baby with MIL and it didn't work out (the joys of babies!) so you had to go back. That's the risk of hosting a child-free wedding I think.

I really would try not to worry about it. They probably made a thoughtless passing comment, which was thoughtlessly passed onto you, which you're now giving... a lot of thought to. You did the right thing, don't beat yourself up about something they may well have already forgotten about.

By saying that they have put a monetary value on your friendship. You made a significant effort to go their wedding making provisions for baby. They are getting annoyed over £50. Says it all really.

They had a child free wedding when you have a young child. They must know this could have been an outcome and it’s not like you left because you just felt like it. I think they are being unreasonable. Life and shit happens.

I was sad to discover that having a child meant a few friendships falling by the wayside. Only one was wedding drama, others were my/our change of availability to socialise/drink lots. We went on to make new friends with other parents and accept few friendships last a lifetime, but it was sad.

I think as a plus one, I would be surprised if they even noticed what part of the wedding you didn't attend had it not been pointed out to them.

Your DH could have said at the end, 'thank you for having us. Horchatatresleches has just popped back for the baby, but we had a lovely time'. Rather than draw attention to it. I am sure the happy couple weren't clocking who was eating what when.

(Tbh, if they are annoyed, they probably didn't want to invite a plus one in the first place, so you were on a losing streak to begin with. Pay it no mind).

They are being ridiculous. If that’s all they’ve got to gripe about from their big day, then I’d say things went pretty smoothly for them.

I left a wedding at 9pm because if I didn’t go home and breastfeed or pump my tits were about to explode. They were clearly shocked that I was leaving “early”, despite having been there since 12pm. I was in a lot of discomfort.
The bride and groom haven’t spoken to me since.

Similar situation for me, got called when my teen over indulged at a barbeque he wanted his Mum, DH offered to go but DS wanted me so I left
B&G bitched about me, it got back to me so I messaged them and apologised again for leaving and asked if they wanted me to pay for my meal
'No no it's fine, hope DS is better' blah blah blah
You prioritised your child OP, they might be in the same situation on day when they have children

Of course you must put your baby first. Anyone that says anything else is deluded. A baby comes before a wedding (and anything else for that matter) people honestly need to get over themselves!

You had no other choice really than go. If they are annoyed with you they are annoyed with you. They are basically strangers to you so why worry about them.

Of course YANBU. They are annoyed because they suspect you probably planned it this way all along. But look, if a bride and groom insist on a child free wedding and they want the attendance of people with very small children, especially babies, then this sort of thing is the risk they will always take.

They can set the rules for the day they want, by all means. But they don't get to complain or feel hard done by if someone feels they can only attend as one half of a couple, or only able to attend part of the day, or completely unable to attend any of it because of those rules. Guests with children have respected these rules at quite some inconvenience (and often added expense) to themselves. The B&G need to accept that if they make things difficult and complicated for their friends and relatives then occasionally something will not go according to plan.

I hope they get to find out for themselves when they have a baby, how it's not always possible to dance to the tune of other people when the needs of your baby are, and always should be your first priority. They'd have done exactly the same thing in your shoes.

@horchatatresleches

You're a parent now so it’s time to stop worrying about what others think of you and give up being a people pleaser and focus on your child and your family. Nothing else matters. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You were totally reasonable, Op.

If they want to be annoyed, let them. I wouldn't give it a moments thought - your baby comes first.

I bet they just made a passing comment to the mutual friend that it was a bit annoying that they had paid a lot of money for your meal and it went uneaten. They probably never expected it to be relayed back to you, nor to make an issue about it.

In your shoes I would send a hand written card thanking them for inviting you to the wedding and expressing how much you enjoyed the wedding ceremony. Then apologise for having to leave early and miss out on the later celebrations/food. If they are a little upset about it then a quick polite apology should resolve it.