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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have left a wedding early to get back to my baby

276 replies

horchatatresleches · 03/10/2025 07:58

One of DH’s friends had a childfree wedding last weekend which was childfree. We have a 6 month old and left him with MIL for the wedding. We’ve started doing first tastes of food but he’s mostly breastfed. I left him with a stash of expressed breastmilk, and some foods he likes. We’d tested him with the bottle in the weeks before the wedding and did a trial with DS and MIL before the wedding for a couple of hours which was fine. I planned to leave after the meal and DH was going to stay late into the night with his friends.

Anyway, the day of the wedding for whatever reason DS wasn’t having it. MIL tried everything and he wouldn’t settle, wouldn’t feed either with milk or food and was getting more and more upset so she called me back. This was during the drinks reception so the couple were having their photos taken so I couldn’t say goodbye. DH stayed until the end and apologised on my behalf I had to leave early.

Now we’ve found out they were annoyed I left because they’d paid for my meal and could have used my spot for someone else. I know having a wedding is expensive but I don’t really know what I could have done differently. I do feel bad that they paid for a meal that I didn’t eat, but that’s how weddings go sometimes. I had a couple of people pull out on the day of my wedding who were sick and it’s just one of those things. Obviously DS is my priority and we RSVPed yes for me in good faith and it just didn’t work out.

OP posts:
MustardGlass · 03/10/2025 10:33

They are totally being unreasonable. You did what they asked and attended child free but babies don’t give you a choice how they want to be fed and emergencies happen. Babies get to be unreasonable dictators, adults do not.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 03/10/2025 10:33

ResusciAnnie · 03/10/2025 08:04

And what about the people who attended but didn’t eat the food? There will have been some. The couple won’t even know about those people but in theory should be equally annoyed! Or, if they’re reasonable, not be annoyed because they are nice compassionate people and too busy being happy having just got married.

Cant stand penny pinchers. Don’t have a big wedding if you can’t afford to be a gracious host.

Edited
Show quote history

Absolutely this. Chances are at least one guest was on weight loss injections and physically couldn't eat their whole meal. Are they in the shit with this couple too?

PersistentRain · 03/10/2025 10:35

How short notice would they be able to have given that meal to someone else. It’s not like you knew you would have to leave.

The more complicated you make things the more likely it is something will go wrong. What if MIL had woken up sick you wouldn’t have been able to go then.

LBFseBrom · 03/10/2025 10:36

You did the right thing and only a pair of chavs would be talking about having paid for your meal. Honestly, I feel embarrassed for them. Of course you had to go.

ManteesRock · 03/10/2025 10:36

It depends on whether or not you've properly tried integrating the bottle. I was told when preparing to leave my baby for a wedding 2 bottles a day without you in the room for 3 weeks. We ended up booking a room in a local hotel for my baby and PIL so I could pop back and feed if needed. Then we went and got my baby at the end of the night and PIL stayed in the hotel.
If you've just tried it once and told MIL call me I'll come back then you would have been better off telling the B&G that you weren't going!

SatsumaDog · 03/10/2025 10:37

YANBU to have left early. There really was nothing else you could have done. The bottom line was your baby needed you and there was no way you could have ignored that and stayed at the wedding regardless.

If the bride and groom were annoyed then so be it. I don’t think you truly understand unless you have had a young baby, but sometimes they just don’t settle no matter what you do. I remember having to leave a night out when my first was around the same age. I did all the right things, fed them just before I left them and had got them to sleep. Unfortunately they woke and got more and more distressed when they found I wasn’t there, despite their father and grandmother doing all they could to console them.

ArtfulPinkBird · 03/10/2025 10:37

I don't see an issue with what you did here....if you decide to have a child free wedding that also includes no babes in arms then you've got to expect that people with young babies may have to leave unexpectedly. I'm guessing the couple don't have kids yet....when they do I think their understanding and feelings will change. I went to a child free wedding when my baby was 3 months old but thankfully she took expressed milk from a bottle and settled fine with other family so I didn't need to leave early, BUT if she hadn't been settled then I'd have done the same thing as you and felt no shame about it. I think no children but babes in arms allowed is probably the way to go if you want a child free wedding but also don't want people to have to decline an invite or leave early- been to one of those weddings with a baby and it was great, no toddlers and other kids tearing up the dancefloor but no worries about baby either!

ManteesRock · 03/10/2025 10:40

Mumsnet is so amusing! Last week a woman who had a child free wedding was told that she wasn't being unreasonable when she was annoyed that a mother had left the wedding early even though she'd booked a meal because she needed to go and sort her baby. And was told she should charge the woman for the meal.
This week potentially the same people but from the mothers perspective the mother is being told she wasn't unreasonable for leaving but the bride is being unreasonable getting upset!

And yes it was mums that answered last week all giving ways the mother could have prevented her 4 month old from needing her!

Rewis · 03/10/2025 10:41

I think the BM should have kept the comments to himself. I don't see the need to share this, especially if the couple was under the impression that they were venting to their friend and it wouldn't get to you. You did nothing wrong, but I don't think they are unreasonable to be annoyed. I get annoyed about million things every day. Needing to go, them being annoyed and it not being a big deal can all exist in the same universe at the same time. No need to apologise and no need to make it into a thing until they themselves turn it into a thing.

LemondrizzleShark · 03/10/2025 10:42

RogerR4bbit · 03/10/2025 09:09

I obviously wasn’t clear; if baby is fed one bottle of expressed milk a day, they tend to be more accepting of bottles than babies who are only occasionally fed from a bottle.

I certainly wouldn’t expect any mother to give up breastfeeding entirely to be able to attend a wedding; that’s ludicrous.

Show quote history

Totally depends - DS would happily take a bottle from DH, but if I was missing for too long (more than about 3 hours) he would refuse it and start to get distressed. Or drink it and continue to be distressed, because the issue wasn’t hunger it was missing me.

i used to have a gym and swim every Saturday morning and DS was totally fine with DH while I was gone (away for 3hours). I went for a meal out with my friends when he was about 8 months old, and he absolutely wasn’t, even though it was less time away from him. He was even less happy with the wedding, because he was with my mum at her house and he wasn’t used to being there without me.

DramaLlamacchiato · 03/10/2025 10:45

YANBU they sound like arseholes. Shit happens. Same happened at my wedding too. One of my husband’s friend’s son had chickenpox so his wife couldn’t come. As if they’d have drafted in someone off the reserve list to come in at the last minute, sit next to your husband, and eat your dinner

viques · 03/10/2025 10:46

If you had come down with Covid on the morning of the wedding the meal would have been uneaten.

if you had crashed your car on the way to the wedding and spent the day lying in a and e the meal would have been uneaten

You accepted their child free wedding decision, you made arrangements for your child , you made the effort to attend. Unfortunately your child was not party to the arrangements and needed you, your child’s need came before the wedding breakfast was served, so unfortunately your meal wasn’t eaten.

Perhaps they would have preferred you to have a quick word with the caterers to bag up your meal for you to take home just so the food wasn’t wasted?

At least you will know for next time!

MyDeftDuck · 03/10/2025 10:47

FFS……would they have acted any differently if it was someone who’d taken ill that day and couldn’t attend? Might have been a parent or close relative but illness and circumstance cannot be foreseen and they’re very unreasonable to criticise a breastfeeding mum from going to her baby. All that drama for one sodding meal………really????!!!!!!

Carodebalo · 03/10/2025 10:49

You said 'yes' with the best intentions and it did not work out. Please do not feel bad. They will probably understand in a year or two what it's like, to have a small baby and having to leave them all day for a wedding. (Like you I completely understand that some people want child free weddings, but I also completely understand this does not work well for some guests with babies or children, despite them really trying to make it work!) Honestly I don't know what you could have done differently, apart from saying 'no' from the start, which may have raised eyebrows as well. Don't worry too much about it, they will get over their annoyance (it sounds like they will anyway)!

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 03/10/2025 10:52

Cost wise, it made no odds to them by that point. If you had eaten the meal it wouldn’t have saved them money.

mixedcereal · 03/10/2025 10:52

ManteesRock · 03/10/2025 10:36

It depends on whether or not you've properly tried integrating the bottle. I was told when preparing to leave my baby for a wedding 2 bottles a day without you in the room for 3 weeks. We ended up booking a room in a local hotel for my baby and PIL so I could pop back and feed if needed. Then we went and got my baby at the end of the night and PIL stayed in the hotel.
If you've just tried it once and told MIL call me I'll come back then you would have been better off telling the B&G that you weren't going!

whether the op is being unreasonable or not doesn’t “depend” on this at all.

anyone who thinks this is remotely unreasonable needs their head screwed on

1543click · 03/10/2025 10:57

wizzywig · 03/10/2025 08:02

Also, why is your mil calling you, did she not want to bother her own son?

Any opportunity to have a go at a MIL!
Unbelievable .

Silvers11 · 03/10/2025 10:58

Hollietree · 03/10/2025 09:59

I bet they just made a passing comment to the mutual friend that it was a bit annoying that they had paid a lot of money for your meal and it went uneaten. They probably never expected it to be relayed back to you, nor to make an issue about it.

In your shoes I would send a hand written card thanking them for inviting you to the wedding and expressing how much you enjoyed the wedding ceremony. Then apologise for having to leave early and miss out on the later celebrations/food. If they are a little upset about it then a quick polite apology should resolve it.

@horchatatresleches I agree with @Hollietree .

I'll bet this has been blown up out of all proportion and the mutual friend who told you was stirring things, even mentioning it to you.

ponyprincess · 03/10/2025 10:59

I don't think you should feel too worried about this. Agree with PP's that those without experience of your situation will find it hard to understand. That's okay and sometimes you just have to feel comfortable doing what you feel is best, even though it might annoy people. I imagine they will quickly forget about this anyway, surely there are other memories they want to retain from their wedding!

Wheresthebeach · 03/10/2025 11:00

Ignore...it will blow over. These things happen.

notacooldad · 03/10/2025 11:00

Also, why is your mil calling you, did she not want to bother her own son?
Such a predictable response!!

UtahYellowstone · 03/10/2025 11:02

weddings are expensive and if there was a chance you couldn't stay you should of declines. Its a shitty thing to do.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 03/10/2025 11:06

Give it no thought. I can guarantee they'd have been annoyed if you had said you can't come at all becuase of baby.

We had this - no childcare avalible and BF babies.

If it was a couples invite we did use to ask if it was okay just DH going both of us being fine with this - DH said he had to field a few we're giving you opportunity to have fun phone calls and people being annoyed.

It's soon forgotten - and then usually understood if/when they have kids.

Mauvehoodie · 03/10/2025 11:10

I think YANBU to leave for your DS and the couple aren't BU to go "oh, it was a shame the meal was wasted - we could have invited someone else". I don't think that info should have got back to you and it sounds a bit chinese whispers tbh. I'd just get your DH to apologise again if needed (not sure to what extent he already has) and think no more about it. The couple will probably be a bit more understanding if they have a baby at some point.

NY152 · 03/10/2025 11:13

Eurgh I wouldn’t give this another thought, they sound awful. I think they’ve lost sight of the fact that they invited to you to celebrate their wedding with them, which you did!