Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

[zebraprintxmasdinner]

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

Your Mum sounds like a textbook vulnerable narcissist. Maybe look up that to see if it fits. She is unlikely to change. But you can try to disengage. She wants your reaction to fuel her.

I would just say.
It's not my job to get you to work. That's on you. Next time you want a lift, you need to ask. And obviously if it's not convenient. we won't be able to help.

Surely someone who holds down a job can sort her own transport out? And what about walking/cycling - unless she's disabled this should be an obvious option for her. 67 isn't old these days, people older than this are still climbing mountains and running marathons. How far away is work? And are you both maybe too invested in each other's lives?

Have I missed something? Since when is it a child’s responsibility to make sure their parent can get to work?

I am so sorry this happened to you. It’s an awful thing to do to child, and you must have been so scared. It’s also conditioned you to always try to please your mum, even at your expense. If you can, I’d really try to go and speak to a counsellor if you can. You have had a very difficult experience with your mum.

Your mother is being completely unreasonable. You need to take a big step back from her for your own wellbeing.

You need to cut this off, she behaves like this because she’s allowed to. Tell her sort her own work commute out it’s nothing to do with you. If it was my mum (although this is not how she behaves) I’d tell her to get a grip of herself before hanging up.

I’ve had similar experiences.

Best not to enable immature, controlling behaviour by begging or apologising if you’ve been thoughtful, sensible, mature and reasonable in trying to help solve a problem.

Rise above but always be open to communication and moving forward.

Why did she feel unable to accept the offer of a taxi?

Oh my god, are you my secret sister by another mister? My mum is exactly like this - is a fit, healthy and mentally sharp 67yo but acts like she’s twenty years older - the learned helplessness is real. Said the other day that she couldn’t bank transfer me the house insurance payment back that I’d paid for her ‘because she wouldn’t know where to start with that sort of thing’ despite having internet banking for the last twenty years and running her sodding business with it until five years ago.

And yes, nothing has ever been bloody good enough - and then you have to face the work colleagues/clients who all think you’re a terrible daughter thanks to her selective recollection when she’s telling them what went down. The silent treatment as well when I was a kid and the snarky comments. And constantly thinking she’s putting herself out for people when in reality, she’s just trying to manipulate everyone into behaving exactly as she wants them to…and god help you if you try to put a reasonable boundary on that.

YANBU, OP…but I think you know that!

Probably because it wasn’t a taxi she wanted. She wanted a lift, and nothing else was good enough.

YANBU no matter what you do you’re always going to be the one in the wrong and she will always be the victim in her own world. I think it might be time to start creating some distance between you both because honestly she just sounds exhausting and you don’t need any of the drama

I agree that the more you do, the more she expects.

There is nothing worse than a relative who has you tied up in guilt, always trying and always failing to please them because it will never be enough.

Ask yourself what would happen if you just Stopped? There'd be a massive tantrum and you don't engage, don't apologise and don't justify. She'd be horrified that the control wasn't working but What then. How would she top that? Another tantrum.. you'd already have shown that a tantrum would no longer move you.

I'm not saying ignore her or be disrespectful.. but just stop caring about the meltdowns. Its not your responsibility. You offered her several solutions. None were acceptable. That's tough. But its not your job to accept all the nastyness because you haven't come up with exactly the solution she wanted.

Its your life. Your time. She's had her time and instead of treating you reasonably and forming a good adult relationship with you she's constantly undermining your confidence.

Take a step back. Stop problem solving.
If you can offer a lift fine. If you can't she needs to start fending for herself. She's 67 not 87.
And stop caring when she goes mad at your not obeying her. When she hurls abousive comments at you. Stop believing her. So your pots aren't perfect.. its not the be all and end all of life. You told her to leave them. I'd take them physically out of her hands and gently put them in the garden or something. And carry on as normal. I'd ask do you think that is a nice thing to say to your daughter? Learn to shrug your shoulders and say OK then... and when she becomes abusive and say calmly I'm not accepting abuse from you. and walk way or ask her to leave. or say Call me when you speak like a reasonable adult.

She won't like it, but what is the alternative?

You can't win with someone like this. She's too old to change so you have to be clear about how you will manage dealing with her in a way that is sustainable and doesn't constantly upset you, drain your confidence and ruin your life.

I think she likes a drama, your mum.

Why the helllll do they do it?!

Why do they act so much older? Do they think it’s endearing or something. So damn weird.

How about stepping back and have an air of amused affection or affectionate amusement in your dealings with her.
Give her a big hug while declaring oh you are so funny.
Don't expect anything of her.
Just side step. Don't comment on bad behaviour nor seek to correct.
Just rise above it.
Call her darling frequently. Bit like a theatrical person who can't remember names. But wants to project positivity.
All the best.

im going through this exact same thing!
iv had enough and after her last hissy fit where she made up a load of lies then when called out on it said it was paraphrasing 🙈
so iv ignored all texts.
its mentally draining and im done

I genuinely think it’s a manipulation tactic to get people to do things for them or to have a reason to be in contact with them. Completely unnecessary because in my case, and it sounds like your case, we’d both be in contact anyway because, y’know, they’re our mums. Super-annoying but love ‘em anyway 😂

You're enabling her behaviour by allowing her to be dependent on you. If she has the mental capacity to run her own home, still work, and is able to navigate a difficult walk to work - She should book her own taxi, and plan her own way to get to work. She needs to be encouraged to be independent, because it supports good brain and body health when they are getting a bit older.

Otherwise, when she gets older again, she is gping to expect 100% dependency on you. That won't be good for anyone's wellbeing.

As the saying goes - Use it, or lose it.

However, I would always offer my parents a drink and something to eat when in my own home. You slipped up there, but nobody is perfect.

Stop feeding into the argument and go no contact. Silence is the best response and you shouldn't feel gaslighted into being a guilty party. She's pulling the parental victim card. Put boundaries in place.

Oh love, she sounds a very entitled drama queen; stop conversing with her take some time off; switch your phone to silent put it in another room tell DP to do the same shut & lock the doors close the curtains & have a quite night, relax & enjoy the evening without the drama, a night without her being pandered to might make her realise she’s your mother not a petulant child who needs her ego soothing by you constantly x

Sounds like your Mum is being a bit of an arsehole over this. You did what you could given your DH had to take the car for a gp
appointment. You were being a great daughter to her.

Sounds like a result if she just doesn’t talk to you. Step away and let her come to you when she is ready to talk. Just tell her, you tried to help, she refused, you aren’t talking about it any more.

The only way to deal with a mother like this is to move at least several hours away (preferably to a different country) and only speak to them once a week.

It would save your sanity.

She's playing a role, her who life has probably been a massive pretence. She plays the martyr, she plays the old woman, she pretends her childhood was idyllic...

Next time she complains tell her you're worried about her physical health and memory. She's forgotten you offered an Uber and her lack of exercise is probably contributing to her mental decline. It's very concerning that she can't even walk 12 minutes anymore, no wonder she's now got dementia... Time to put her in a home I think.

She's 67, not 87 😬