Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

[zebraprintxmasdinner]

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

As you say you otherwise would have taken her, why couldn't your partner have taken her to work early so that he had time to get back for his appointment.

That was offered. She said no. She didn’t want to sit in work for 45 minutes. Her work is 20 mins away, our GP is about the same in the opposite direction, combine that with rush hour and bus strike traffic

If she was my mother, I would tell her I'm not going to discuss this any further, so if she mentions it I would hang up/walk out or delete the message without reply.

Why couldn't she get a taxi herself?
It sounds as though she wanted to be a martyr.
I would never expect my children to either give a lift to work or pay for a taxi for me

Why is it your problem?

I have no idea why
Shes always been like this
Never just texts me asking to come for a brew, waits for me to ask her and then moans that she never visits my house and is never invited

OP, why is your mother even involving you? A normal person would just have called a taxi or Uber for themselves - why couldn't or wouldn't she do that?
But a 16 hour argument is ridiculous, so just stop engaging with her for the time being. It sounds like you see/speak ro each other far too often, and are very involved with each other. What's wrong with just phoning her once a week, and seeing her every couple of months? Like most adults and their healthy parents.

Those saying they could have dropped the mum off at work earlier than she needed to be….whilst that is the logical solutionI suspect that option wouldn’t have been good enough for OPs mother either. I know this because I have an identical mother…the martyr, it’s exhausting.

Oh I'd run out of patience with that nonsense. My house is not 'anyone else's house' just put the bloody kettle on or don't whinge about it.

Having said that I do have a friend in his 60's (I'm in my 50's) who is like this, even at his mums. He won't use his key to let himself in, he just knocks & waits for her to open the door (drives her MAD) and despite us being very close he would never just put the kettle on & still asks if he can use the loo or whatever. Does drive me mad BUT he has 'issues' & PTSD from his childhood & bloody disgusting mother, so I just 'pull his leg' about it. If it was my mum I'd get her told.

She acts as though using Ubers and taxis or asking for a lift is lazy or wasting money. She will walk then moan at me.
I have tried to end the argument however she will drag a bad mood on for weeks if she can

When she does visit she’s washing my dishes etc trying to vacuum. It does my fucking head in and I’ve said to stop. To which I get “I am helping” and a long winded argument how I’m the worst person ever because of pots in the sink

Was there a lack of clear communication?
If not then you offered. She refused. She's in the wrong. Ignore her. She's really annoyed with herself

She sounds like a pain in the arse. I’d just be brisk and carry on as if nothing has happened.

Ok so you don't drive. She was offered a lift by your partner but didn't want to get there early (for some reason I can't quite fathom) you offered to get her an uber...

none of this was 'good enough'. WRAF did she want you to do??

She sounds very argumentative. I think I will be reducing contact and just refusing to engage when she starts going on about things. You have a bigger problem with her than the lift to work. Just stop engaging. The more you do, the more she will moan.

We have similar with MIL . She wants lifts frequently and at short notice from dh. We are too busy. We offer to get her an uber and that’s not good enough. Then I get accused of taking her son away from his family 🤦

Tell her the only way your DH (as you don’t drive) could take her to work would be by cancelling a much awaited and needed GP appointment and that was not possible.
you offer s the only other solution, an uber which she refused.
Ask her how else she thinks you should have solved her problem and don’t engage with the silent treatment, let her get on with it and put it back on her.

She is argumentative. With me only. I’m convinced she doesn’t actually like me tbh.
This isn’t new behaviour she’s been like this all my life

Again like my mate. He has an open invitation to come here, I'm always happy to see him, but unless I give him a golden invitation he doesn't come, then whinges he never sees me. 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

when he complains I just remind him he HAS a permanent invitation!🙄🙄

im getting blunter & blunter with him, but I don't think he'll ever change & I know it's based on his insecurity if 'not being wanted' but again, if it was my mum I'd be even more blunt!

I have a Mum exactly like this…the only solution in her eyes is for DH to cancel his GP appointment and ensure the chariot arrived in a timely manner at her house and dropped her at the door for work…..this of course will still be wrong somehow, don’t ask me how….but it will be.

That’s exactly it.

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

See the thing is I’ve tried delving abit deeper with her. But she swears solid her childhood was perfect. So I don’t know why she’s like this

It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all to be honest. Just because she’s your mum, it doesn’t mean you should put up with her treating you badly. I imagine this will get worse the older she gets.

Has she always been like this? What type of parent was she growing up? It sounds like you live quite close, which makes going LC or NC hard - but not impossible.

You don’t owe her anything. Yes she’s your mum.But she chose to have a child, you didn’t ask to be born. If this was a friend treating you this way, would they still be a friend? I appreciate it’s easier said than done, but I would stop pandering to her. If she starts trying to argue, tell her you aren’t discussing this further and if she won’t stop, end the call or walk away. If it’s text, block or mute for a few hours so you don’t feel guilty seeing her messages. Stop being available all the time. Why were you the one worrying about sorting out her way to work? It is good to tell her about the strikes so that she knows - but don’t do anything more and don’t remind her. At her age she is capable of planning her own way to get to work. The more you do, the more she will expect.

Then id just disengage. Reply if she messages first, chat if she rings until she criticises you then tell her you're going now.