Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

[zebraprintxmasdinner]

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

Then it’s hard to understand what she’s complaining about!

With the greatest of respect you sound like Mrs Doyle from Father Ted. Will you have an Uber, go on, go on, go on.

She is driving you crackers and is utterly unreasonable, don't get me wrong but you are as much at fault in this as she is. You need to stop caring so much that she's having a strop. You will need to train yourself to not care.

When she says No, take her at face value. By all means tell her [in writing] to let you know if she changes her mind but stop going on at her just because you know it will be your fault in the end. It's going to be your fault anyway so stop bothering and step back !!

When she pretends she said something different. Suggest going to the GP for dementia testing with her, as she's becoming so forgetful you are concerned.

This poster is right. I'm not far off your mum's age, still working full time, and I can walk for hours. I don't know how far away her work is but if she can't easily walk that far, she needs to get herself fitter, if that's possible. Use it or lose it!

She can walk. She is sharp as a tack.

She just likes to act older than she is.

YANBU - woman needs to get herself to work or ask for help. She sounds like she’s playing a victim.

You should never pander to childish people who sulk and pull a strop because in their idiotic little brains, that makes them right.

I’m almost your mum’s age and my mum used to play the martyr card when I was young but as soon as I was an independent adult living in my own place, I refused to go along with it and only responded to her in an adult fashion.

Eventually, she realised I’d changed and wouldn’t put up with her silly nonsense and we then had a fabulous relationship right up until she sadly died.

You kindly offered to get her an uber but then you leave it at that. Don’t keep offering. You say something once and move on.

Don’t try to persuade or cajole as that’s what you do with toddlers. She’s a competent adult who is allowed to do daft things but she’s not allowed to blame you for her choices. Call her bluff and reply, “ok I respect your decision”. Then grey rock everything else.

its sounds like some distance would definitely help you!

A lot depends on what kind of 67 she is. I'm that age and still working full time, cycling at least an hour a day, fully capable on all fronts. But it depends what level of incapacity she has. You say it was a lift to work that never happened, so I assume she's still mentally able to book her own uber even if (as you mention) it's too far for her to walk? In which case, yes I think it's a bit of a cheek from her.

YANBU
You were really good to try and help her.

Some kids do bugger all for their parent(s).

It’s such a shame she doesn’t appreciate you 💐

Maybe tell her that you’ll have to take a step back for a bit until she’s had a good hard think about her conduct and apologised to you.

Tell her how wearing it is to have to deal with someone who is never satisfied and quick to cause totally unnecessary upset.

nail - let me introduce you to head...

acting a martyr.

That and "after all the stuff I do for you "

YANBU. Dont engage any more. It wont change any outcome.

Tell her once - I offered to get you a lift, you didnt accept, i'm not discussing this anymore. Then ignore any further conversation. Reach out tomorrow to say good morning, how's your day, how are you? and if she brings it up again "told you i'm not discussing this again if youre not going to drop it, I'll talk to you later. Bye..
Repeat.

@zebraprintxmasdinner Did you ask her why she thought it was acceptable to kick off at you but not ask for a drink like a reasonable adult?

I would just say “I offered to arrange an Uber. We offered for DH to drop you early before his appointment. Beyond that, and in the absence of a magic carpet, there was nothing else I could have done and I will not be discussing it further “

And I wouldn’t. She brings it up again just say ‘nothing more to say’ on repeat.

How far is the walk?

I am your Mum’s age and I can’t imagine involving my adult Dc in getting myself to work in any way shape or form.

In contrast, my 86 year old grandfather arranged his own travel to visit us until a few months ago. He has early dementia and terminal cancer. (I'm not a monster - he likes to be out and about and says the day he has to stay inside will be the day he dies. I go to them when they let me!)

As his memory has got too bad for this now, he is instead escorted on public transport by my 84 year old grandmother. She's better at working it out than I am most of the time!

Your mum should be embarrassed by her behaviour, though she clearly revels in it instead. I wonder if you feel it's normal or acceptable because it's how she's always been... It's not.

I have a bad relationship with my mum for reasons entirely of her own creation and for my entire life. It used to cause me regular stress and upset; now I see her twice a year at my grandparent's request for their important occasions; no contact between. Life is much better - I highly recommend low, low contact with life long manipulators.

Your problem is that you are offering solutions for her which she then weaponises. That’s shocking when you said she’d go days without speaking to you when you were little-I know little kids can be draining but still… Have you tried nodding and saying that’s a shame mum. What are you going to do? Step back from trying to fix her issues when she moans. Don’t rise to the bait if she complains about you. Nod and agree, yes it’s difficult mum, never mind. You may have to reduce contact with her as she sounds as if she won’t change.

Your mum sounds like a petulant child. Of course your partners doctors appointment must take priority. Why can't she arrange her own uber.

This. Being 67 isn't a child.
Although she's obviously acting like one by being in a bad mood with you.

It's not your responsibility to get your DM to work.

And even so, you offered to get her an Uber, which she refused.

your mother sounds ungrateful and childish. To be like that at her age makes me think she's conditioned you to pander to her your whole life.
Time to have some boundaries op.

Does she know what an Uber is???
If so, she’s crazy.

I think at that point I would have lost it with her. How the fuck can she have a lift when there's no one available to do it?
I'm not surprised op is exasperated, I'm stressed by it and I'm only reading about it.

It never fails to amaze me how Mumsnetters are able to diagnose mental health conditions like narcissism from a single post.

Sorry but that is abusive. It makes me sad to read that you had to beg and plead with your mother to stop abusing you.

She's never going to change, never going to love you in the way a mother should unconditionally love their child. She's never going to see that she is abusive or wrong.

Your mother has taught you to put her first since you were a child, so I understand it's hard to put yourself first now and establish boundaries with her. But that's what you need to do so you're not spending all your energy on her.

Live your life for you op!

Narcissism isn’t a mental health condition, it’s a personality disorder.
However posters aren’t ‘diagnosing’, of course they can’t do that. They can, however, suggest potential reasons for the behaviour based on their own experience. I’m fairly sure my mum is a covert narcissist. She isn’t diagnosed; the thing about narcissism is that most narcissists don’t believe they have a problem, so why would they ever seek a diagnosis? My mum behaves very much in the same way as the OP is describing her mum’s behaviour.
ETA most of us children of suspected narcs have done a lot of research in the area after a lifetime of wondering why our parents treat us the way they do, and why they are not like other people’s parents. I thought it was all my fault for a very long time.

Oh trust me you can detect even a hint of genuine narcissism a mile away after spending a lifetime at the hands of a narcissistic abuser.
Covert narcissists are particularly insidious as they present a facade of charitable vulnerability to the world, then reserve their disgusting abusive behaviour for behind closed doors, so you look like the arsehole when you finally put up some boundaries to salvage the mental health you have left.
If you haven’t lived it, don’t try to tell people what their experience is or isn’t.

How, does she ring or text or what? Blank it all. Ignore moany texts, just don't answer. If she starts during a phone call, say 'not this again. I'm going now, speak soon' and end the call. Don't give the whinging house room, literally.

On the doing things for each other, it's a snapshot but you sound like you do more. Taking parcels in - I do that for neighbours I don't even know! Free yourself of the idea you 'owe' her all this help.

She sounds like a nightmare! How about telling her to fuck off - would that work? 🤣

My mum is like this. Everything is a test. She will never say what she wants. You have to guess. She always used to say to my dad I shouldn't have to tell you, if you loved me you'd know what I want.

Whatever we did was wrong.

If we cleaned up she'd complain that she prefers to do it herself.

If we didn't clean up, she'd complain that she had to do everything.

If we asked her what she wanted us to do she'd complain that she shouldn't have to tell us.

If we just did something she'd complain that we did it wrong.

Now she hints and hints but won't ever ask for anything. And she proudly talks of how independent she is because she never asks for help.

No, she just asks if so and so is going to the shop, or says oh I've run out of x, its ok, I'll wait, oh no, never mind, I've changed my mind, ill go without... until someone gives in and says would you like me to take you to the shop then she acts all surprised like the thought hadn't occurred to her.

It is infuriating.

@zebraprintxmasdinner you only win by not paying the game.

Stop apologising. Stop begging her to allow you to do her bidding.

When she turns you down, say OK and dont offer again.