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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

315 replies

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:26

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

OP posts:
deadpan · 03/10/2025 21:49

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:42

She wouldn’t accept anything because it wasn’t a lift.
We had world war 3 last week because I didn’t offer her a drink in my house, I said she can always ask me I don’t mind. She is my mum
She replied with horror that “she wouldn’t dream of asking for a drink in anyone else house”

it’s very draining

She sounds like a pain the neck. My mum was like this sometimes (well quite a lot actually). She sounds narcissistic so basically you'll never live up to the standards she expects.
Ignore her tantrum and change the subject in your messages. If she doesn't like that at least you might get some peace for a few days.

Ratafia · 03/10/2025 23:09

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:12

No she’ll carry it on until I just admit defeat and apologise
She did it when I was little, just going days without speaking to me for stupid things until I begged and pleaded.

FFS, why beg and plead? If this were my mother, I'd tell her that I just don't have time for such nonsense and to let me know when she's worked out that she hasn't been wronged in any way.

Throwaway65131 · 03/10/2025 23:27

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:51

She acts as though using Ubers and taxis or asking for a lift is lazy or wasting money. She will walk then moan at me.
I have tried to end the argument however she will drag a bad mood on for weeks if she can

Aww what?! So taxi/uber is wasting money, but perfectly fine for your partner to be expected (by mother) to (offer to) put wear and tear on his vehicle, spend money on fuel and more to the point spend his own time giving her a lift? Or do we suspect it’s more that she wants sympathy for the fact that she had to walk (and may never have accepted a lift anyway, even without the somewhat earlier start - that just gave her more ammunition) … and she’s not getting the desired sympathy from you since you offered her two options/solutions, both of which she rejected … and hence she’s behaving like this because much in the same way you’re expected to know to offer her a drink, you were also expected to know the correct script for this situation - and to console her for how absolutely awful it was for her to have to walk for 12 minutes for a tram …

Labrador68 · 04/10/2025 01:39

How did it get to the point where she thought it was very unreasonable she wouldnt have a lift from you or your husband or an Uber? Your husband needs to get to his GP that's fair enough. Why couldn't she call her employers and let them know her usual lift to work wasnt available and bus services weren't great. Why didn't she call her colleague?
She obviously has a job so is a person with certain responsibilities and makes certain choices and decisions throughout the day. She is a grown woman who certainly needs to grow up and get a grip.
On one hand she's a working woman the next she's a disabled person playing on her weaknesses (that's if she's got any)
I would ignore her. Shes just playing on her age and blaming you for anything that could go wrong in her life. She was well aware of the problems that morning but she thought you'd drop everything to cater to one of her whims.
Im glad you didn't give in. You were in the right 100%. You need to think how much you depend on each other as you do seem a bit suffocated with your constant contact with each other.
Good luck 👍
Let us know how you get on

WorkItUpYourBangle · 04/10/2025 01:52

Not your problem and you're not there to drop everything for her. Tell her you hope the rough walk to work will teach her not to be so bloody awkward in future and that's what happens when grown adults act like twats.

SouthernNights59 · 04/10/2025 03:49

For goodness sake, she's 67 and has a job, surely she is quite capable of getting herself to work! I'm 66 and wouldn't dream of asking someone else to take me to work - I probably would have walked anyway, but if I had wanted a taxi or an uber then I would have organised one.

I wouldn't bother arguing with her, just step back until she can behave in a rational manner.

dayslikethese1 · 04/10/2025 04:31

I'm confused why it's your responsibility to sort this out for another adult unless you're her carer because she's incapacitated in some way or something. I would stop accepting any 'favours' from her.

WeeGeeBored · 04/10/2025 06:35

I don’t think I have ever read a dad-bashing thread on MN. The world seems to be filled with narc mums but no narc dads. I wonder why that is?

DingDongJingle · 04/10/2025 07:01

WeeGeeBored · 04/10/2025 06:35

I don’t think I have ever read a dad-bashing thread on MN. The world seems to be filled with narc mums but no narc dads. I wonder why that is?

What do you think the reason is?
At a guess, I’d say the narc dads have often fucked off and don’t have a relationship with their kids. Hard to write a thread about someone you don’t have a relationship with.
Regardless, the fact that there aren’t many threads about narc dads doesn’t change the fact that I’m fairly sure my mother is a covert narcissist. Like most narcs she didn’t diagnosed (because that would involve thinking there was something wrong and seeking a diagnosis, and most narcs don’t think there’s anything wrong with them) but her behaviour ticks all the boxes.

DingDongJingle · 04/10/2025 07:05

Although I’ve just clicked on another thread on here where the OP is talking about the father of her children being a ‘classic narcissist’ so maybe her children will one day write a thread about him and you’ll get your wish of seeing a thread about a narc dad!

Willyoujust · 04/10/2025 07:47

My mum does this. Always going on about how old she is. She’s 62! I’ll still be working at her age!

FudgeJudy · 04/10/2025 07:48

Sounds like my grandmother. I eventually realised that she didn’t really want the favour, what she really wanted was the fight. I watched my Dad suffer for years from her toxic behaviour so I knew to keep my distance.

FluffyBenji23 · 04/10/2025 08:54

She sounds a nightmare. Do you think she has narcissistic traits? Could she be suffering some cognitive decline? My Mum would never have behaved like this. She is being unreasonable to the point of ridiculousness. I 🤔 you could do with drawing some boundaries and deciding on the sort of behaviour you won't accept.

Sadworld23 · 04/10/2025 09:00

Hrft Ask her what she wanted you to do?
When she says a lift, say, so you wanted partner to miss his GP appointment?

If she doesn't realise how unreasonable that sounds there's no hope.
Sorry.

Northquit · 04/10/2025 09:16

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:42

She wouldn’t accept anything because it wasn’t a lift.
We had world war 3 last week because I didn’t offer her a drink in my house, I said she can always ask me I don’t mind. She is my mum
She replied with horror that “she wouldn’t dream of asking for a drink in anyone else house”

it’s very draining

Oh tell her you've had enough of her being mean and tell her to come back when she's prepared to be polite

WalkDontWalk · 04/10/2025 09:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Hidingbehindthechaos · 04/10/2025 10:14

I am a bit confused as to why you're even involved in how your mum gets to work.

You're definitely not unreasonable, if she wanted a lift she should ask, if you're unable to do it then she needs to sort an alternative herself. If she was 90 then I would answer differently. Just because she always behaves like this doesnt mean its ok, you have done nothing wrong.

zebraprintxmasdinner · 04/10/2025 10:45

Thank you all for your insight.

I have read up on narcissism especially in mothers and I’m wondering if low contact is the way forward

We had more dramatics yesterday.
She offered to collect a parcel for me, I said yes thank you and I said I’d pick it up on my way to do the school run (in the dreaded car) as DP was off. She then had a tantrum that I was picking it up opposed to letting her walk to my house in the rain with it, and that I always “change the times of her visits and days” it’s my fucking house, it’s draining, she comes in stands there like an 80 year old going “can I sit down please” or starts cleaning up and ironing. I don’t really want her visiting.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 04/10/2025 10:50

zebraprintxmasdinner · 04/10/2025 10:45

Thank you all for your insight.

I have read up on narcissism especially in mothers and I’m wondering if low contact is the way forward

We had more dramatics yesterday.
She offered to collect a parcel for me, I said yes thank you and I said I’d pick it up on my way to do the school run (in the dreaded car) as DP was off. She then had a tantrum that I was picking it up opposed to letting her walk to my house in the rain with it, and that I always “change the times of her visits and days” it’s my fucking house, it’s draining, she comes in stands there like an 80 year old going “can I sit down please” or starts cleaning up and ironing. I don’t really want her visiting.

Tbh, you both sound pretty mean and incompatible. Low or No contact would probably benefit you both, at least for a short while for some breathing space from each other.

Peoplemakemesigh · 04/10/2025 13:51

Then don't have her to visit. You're allowed to make that decision. Agree with the others, stop accepting favours from her, she's using them as ammunition to attack you with.

Understand the game you're unwittingly playing with her. Nothing is offered altruistically, she has an agenda for everything she does and (since she does nothing "for free") a response she requires from you (as "payment") in return.

It's not about getting the parcel to you (which would be helpful because that's the result you want), it's about getting adoration from you by playing the victim and martyr. She'd have no doubt bigged up the hassle of collecting the parcel to something resembling world peace negotiations, then deliberately set off when it's raining so she could play victim about how you'd "made" her do that by asking her to fetch the parcel (which you didn't do anyway, but that doesn't fit her victim narrative).

Your role was to make her central to your day, fawn over her as guest of honour in your home for hours in return for this huge sacrifice she'd made in fetching your parcel. An act which would have been made out to be totally necessary because there's no other possible way you could have obtained this parcel if she hadn't and your Entire World would have definitely caved in if you didn't have it's contents (even though that's not true either). So basically she's saved the world, your life and is solely responsible for the continuation of the universe's existence and deserves to be treated accordingly. Instead, you just acted like a normal person and went to collect the parcel from her, thwarting her opportunity for drama and attention - how dare you?! 🤣

Regarding visits, she's treating you like staff! She doesn't have "days and times" for visiting, you're not running a day care centre for the lonely that she's paid a membership for!

Or setting things up so she can complain to others that you're treating her like staff, with her doing ironing and cleaning. Who goes into someone else's home and starts doing that without specifically being asked to help? 😵‍💫 She'll say it's helpful but it's not, it's overstepping.

I'd look into moving further away if you find yourself unable to set normal boundaries with her, which she will never stop pushing against and trying to reduce and eliminate, if she's a narcissist. I found trying to set boundaries with one is basically like fighting a constant battle because they never stop trying to destroy those boundaries. This situation is suffocating you and preventing you living your life.

People like to say on here that some people are too focused on boundaries but they don't understand that when dealing with self-centred and selfishly toxic people like this, if you're not forever totally focused on boundaries and assessing whether they're trying to overstep and whether you need to nip something in the bud, you'll turn your back for 5mins and find they've kicked those boundaries down completely and are now living rent free in your head 24/7 stealing all your peace. Or worse than that, you find they're now living rent free in your spare room, demanding to be waited in hand and foot and stealing all your time, energy and sanity, along with your peace.

No contact because of wanting a lift to work and to bring over a parcel sounds ridiculous when it's written like that, as if you're the crazy one. But it isn't, because it goes way deeper than a lift or a parcel. NC means you can stop fighting the endless emotionally draining battle of repeatedly shoring up your boundaries against their constant attacks. LC is worth a try, if for no other reason than reassuring yourself that you're not being unreasonable going NC because you've tried everything else and nothing works.

Fionuala · 04/10/2025 14:04

No you are not but I think it is best to pass this off as her having a bad day and to leave it.
I think we all spend too much time worrying over issues like this, prompted by a misguided sense to reconsider all we do all the time.
You did all the right things.
In a week it'll probably all be forgotten

HevenlyMeS · 04/10/2025 14:06

Yes, why is this interesting? 🤔

Lavenderblue11 · 04/10/2025 14:07

On a different note, your poor mum working at 67, I hope she has retirement in her sights soon.

HevenlyMeS · 04/10/2025 14:09

Yes I concur with you, & I'd as well hope that if someone's had a bad day & mentioned some upsetting comments, they'd, have the common decency, in retrospect, to apologise for saying unnecessary things too💚

DingDongJingle · 04/10/2025 14:12

Lavenderblue11 · 04/10/2025 14:07

On a different note, your poor mum working at 67, I hope she has retirement in her sights soon.

Very many people still work at 67. My mum is still working full time at 69.