Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

[zebraprintxmasdinner]

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

Sorry for my blunt response ( Your post could be describing my own selfish Mother ) Your Mum is only 67. Not 87, So Why do YOU need to arrange HER an Uber ? Is she totally helpless ? Or just twisted ?
That's the kind of stuff that made me go Zero Contact with mine. It grinds you down. Free yourself from her Co dependancy or your life will be miserable.

Yes I think her Mum's idea of being polite is to wait to be offered, a drink 🙏

Seriously on LC and start living a drama free life. She is thriving on the conflict.

No, you are definitely not the arsehole.

You are not being unreasonable. I am 61 and my mum is 88. We live in Greater Manchester (also bus strikes). My mum still gets about by herself although she can't walk far now so she uses the bus. I take her out pleasure shopping once a week and my aunt & uncle take her food shopping once a week. (I do see her more than once a week). She likes going out and will get the bus to the Trafford Centre by herself. I'm afraid 67 is the new 47 and if your mum is like this at 67 then heaven help you when she gets to 70.

She sounds a bit like my mom, and quite a challenge. Is she normally challenging?

The sense I got is that she refused the Uber but expected you to send it anyway and was crossed them when you didn't. Absolutely ridiculous.

She didn't do anything to help herself, or make any other arrangements or suggestions, it's not your fault.

She's not a child.

I could have written this! No advice just solidarity with you

She offered to pick up the parcel so she could use it an an excuse to be invited to your house. Why do I feel like I understand your mum's motives faster than you? 😬

Just say no. No to everything she suggests in the future which she's framing as your for your benefit.

If you don't drive, why on earth would she complain about you not giving her a lift? I presume that if you ordered her an Uber, they would have charged it to your account, so she wouldn't have to pay so I have no idea why she would accept your offer of ordering her an Uber.

The relationship isn't pretty good at all. Her mum constantly guilt trips OP and gives her the silent treatment (which she also did to OP as a child).

OP has done nothing wrong and she shouldn't pander to her narcissistic mum. I hate the 'you only get one mum' excuse for difficult and unpleasant mothers.

Does your mother have narcissistic personality issues of the covert vulnerable type? This type of victimhood narrative when refusing help is a classic.

Sounds like she will let this drag on for months,

I posted questioning whether your mother was a narcissistic personality. Well since you have added other information about her it is clear! I am sorry you are tolerating all of her behaviours. I urge you to read up on narcissistic mothers if you have not done so. It will be a revelation to you and a validation. You will find yourself with a text book guide to understanding her as they all have similar traits. It might just free you from any guilt or confusion surrounding your interactions with her and it will be the start of a much better, freer life

She is being VVV Unreasonable.

Does she know what an Uber is? What's her actual issue?

I'm 67.. grown woman as i am..sort myself out.. never expect anyone else to order taxi..

My mum is 80, she'd be baffled if I offered to order her a taxi. She's perfectly capable of sorting herself out!

Do you always bring everything back to you? Isn’t that what narcs do?

On an anonymous online forum, using an example of your own experiences to back up the point you’re making is common practice. Anyway, to bring it back to you, why do you think there are more people on MN complaining about narcissistic mums than narcissistic dads? You must have a theory and I’m keen to hear it!

She's your mother. She does things for you. She's got the hump with you and you both feel.the other is unreasonable. Draw a line under it. A little apology and a bunch of supermarket flowers won't kill you. Move on. Families argue and get over it.

'A little apology and a bunch of supermarket flowers won't kill you. Move on. Families argue and get over it.'

What is she supposed to be apologising for?! And yes, families do fall out and then move on but as we've established, this is not a 'normal' family situation. OP's mother consistently expects way too much of her and is still never satisfied

How would you word an apology, when you’ve not done anything wrong? Surely it will just come across as inauthentic?
’I’m sorry DH didn’t cancel his GP appt to take you to work’?

What!!

No way should the OP pander to her mother’s very unreasonable behaviour. A break from her would be better.

Ignore the idiots saying 'Buuuuuuut she's your Muuuuum' bollocks. They don't have to put up with her martyrdom,
victimhood and weaponised incompetence/helplessness.

I could be your sister, too. Mine's been exactly the same since I can remember. Expects everyone around her to be a mindreader, wants everyone to feel sorry for her all the fucking time. God knows why.

Arrogant, superior attitude to everyone, too, based on nothing. Can't accept that other people may have different tastes, do things differently to her, may not be religious (She's Catholic)... they are wrong, end of.

My mother has lost so many friends, all her relations as she's so fucking difficult to be around. I moved to the other side of the world 35 years ago to get away from it. Very low contact since then. She drove me to attempt suicide and I needed/need to protect my mental health. In your case I'd have a good long break from her, low contact at least. She needs to realise you reap what you sow.

If you want to close it down, you give her the "apology that is not really an apology" along the lines of "Sorry that you feel that we let you down because DH could not give you a lift ..... Can we just put this behind us, Mum?".
Simple, the "sorry" word helps s lot. All pretty meaningless, but why drag it out. Life is too short.