Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

[zebraprintxmasdinner]

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

YANBU but I totally understand how you can start questioning your sanity with a family member like that!

One thing I find helpful sometimes is going "What do you mean?" It's useful if someone says something offensive but also if someone's trying to start an argument I think. Puts the onus on them to do all the explaining and saves your energy. Clearly she won't listen if you start laying out the facts anyway!

It doesn't make sense that your mum is annoyed as you didn't offer her a lift if she knows you don't drive.

Your mum seems to be unreasonable on the face of it as you offered to help her.

I read the first few but then no more as I ran out of time. Some MN posters pride themselves in LTB and NC, I more take a balanced view, I've seen too many split up families.

The sign of someone who does favours not through altruism or because it is a decent thing to do, but so they can log it as a debt to be repaid when they demand.

This sounds very draining. It’s much harder to put boundaries in place with family. There’s probably a useful tactic or phrase you could use again and again when your mum does this. She will likely have developed these patterns of testing people close to her by pushing them away in childhood or early adulthood. I’m no expert, but possible attachment issues? Might be worth a Google.

Edited to add, these behaviours are unlikely to be because she doesn’t like you but because she loves you and doesn’t have healthy patterns for relationships.

Other people will have better suggestions but maybe things like:

‘Mum, I’m here when you need me and I hope you will choose to accept/ask for help in future, however I don’t want to discuss this further.’

and if she continues:

’Mum, I love you, but as I’ve said, I won’t discuss this particular matter further. But I’d love to hear how you hair appointment/book group/medical appointment went!’

If she still continues, either very short reponses like ‘it’s not up for discussion’ or moving to ignoring any references to it but then, if you feel like it, messaging about something unrelated and positive the next day.

Exactly , its all a bit enmeshed. Did she ask for a lift ? Is there something wrong with her that she can’t sort herself out?

Goodness op this sound exhausting. You seriously need to take a step back for your own sanity. Why ring/message her at 6am? You offered, she refused, no more to be said on it. This is a really unhealthy relationship and she sounds hard work and frankly, not very nice.

Her reactions sound unreasonable and exhausting.

It's like for every scenario she has in her mind the "right" way that you should behave or react, and if you don't, in her mind it means that you don't care about her. It sounds like she has very rigid rules for how you should be, and if you don't fit into them, you are "wrong" or "uncaring".

You're always going to be walking on eggshells with this type of person unfortunately - trying to do the right thing, but ultimately you'll never always be able to do that 100%, as for one thing you're not a mindreader, and for another thing, why should you always have to do what she wants?!

I think the only way she will change is if you change your response to her, or if you can have a direct conversation with her about it. Easier said than done I know, as this type of person is often emotionally reactive and volatile.

Doesn’t matter why she’s like that she just is. If a snake bites you you don’t ask why you just get away from it.

Train her - if she wants something she asks for it like a normal adult.

But also stop being so enmeshed with each other, leave her alone, you are trauma bonded to her.

Oh honey, you will never win with her. It’s nothing to do with you at all, other people merely exist to fulfil her needs. You’re not really an independent human being to her, you’re there to service her needs.

I have a very similar mother. She’s a textbook narcissist and I have nothing to do with her anymore. The peace is lovely.

Maybe I don't understand because thankfully I never had parents like this but why did you text her at 6am saying you would get her an Uber? How did it even come about that it is something you need to be involved in?!

I don't really understand why it's your problem? She's a grown woman and you offered her a solution and she refused it. You're not in the wrong, just ignore her and don't pander to it.

If she can hold down a job she can order herself an Uber! I don’t understand why it became your problem in the first place when she was told your partner had an appointment.

Neither me or my DH drive and we never ever ask for lifts, we just get ourselves everywhere.

This sounds extremely draining. I find this sort of behaviour - not asking for what you want/need (but expecting people to do what you want them to do at great inconvenience to them) and then sulking when you don't get it - super tedious. Why are you arguing with her? Just ignore it (do you live together?) until she calms down. My mom can be like this. I bite my tongue and let is fizzle out.

Gawd she sounds really annoying. Try and rise above it. Reiterate that it's her own fault then just ignore any further comments on it.

going days without speaking to me for stupid things until I begged and pleaded

Don't beg and plead, let her stew. What's the worst that can happen? She keeps you dancing to her tune. Stop appeasing her, stand up to her or distance yourself from her more. You may need some therapy to empower yourself!

As others have said 67 isn't that old these days and her walk to work wasn't that far. She wants to play the injured party yet could help herself, not be a burden and stop guilt tripping you. It's all very unhealthy really.

she's 67, not 97,she is more than capable of making her own way to work. She is emotionally guilting you, stop letting her, and I say this as someone around her age.

Yeah, I also had this reaction - I am not yet 67 but know several people in that age bracket none of whom need help getting to work. You need to stop enabling your mum's unreasonable expectations by complying with them, and buying her 'martyr' narrative.

My grandparents would say of her 'It takes a saint to live with a martyr ...and your Mum is a martyr. '

There really is a type of person who is always 'suffering' and making clear how much they have to put up with (but also turning down any help or support) in order to obtain sympathy.

Don't be the saint in this game! Accept that she enjoys the public suffering. Collecting (undeserved) sympathy is her hobby.

I know people throw it around a lot. But my grandmother and sister are exactly like this.

it’s basically narcissistic like behaviour.

they have to make themselves the centre of attention by playing the victim, woe is me nonsense. Any little thing that goes wrong - even if there is a simple solution - they have to make out like it’s the worst thing in the world and get everyone to feel bad for them.

you are allowed to walk away from the relationship if it doesn’t suit you.

you’re allowed to tell your mother to like it or lump it.

you’re allowed to tell her bluntly that a solution was provided but she refused it and now you won’t be providing her with solutions again.

you don’t have to allow any of this.

look up ‘victim narcissism’ you’ll see your mothers behaviour reflected there.
im not suggesting she is a narcissist or diagnosing I’m saying she’s displaying similar traits and offering a suggestion to help you understand your place within the relationship and potentially change how you react to her to get a better balance.

If you had read them, you’d have seen that they don’t generally have a good relationship.

All you can do is try to rise above it. Her friends and colleagues will know what she's like - her friend at work who could have given her a lift will be getting fed up of the "I didn't like to ask to bother you" if she's moaning about having to walk.

I go to my daughter's house and put the kettle on myself and offer anyone else a drink too.

Hell would freeze over before I apologised. ‘Ok mum, you don’t want me to get you an uber, I get it. You want me to magically be able to drive and have a car- not going to happen. Or you want my partner to cancel his gp appt even though you could have jumped in the uber- also not going to happen because I care about his health and he’s a whole lot kinder to me than you are. I think you just want endless reasons to be shitty at me, and I’m pretty fed up.

mute her, and check every few days for if there was an apology.

Why’s it up to you to get her to work?