Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

[zebraprintxmasdinner]

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

A lift off her probably means off OP's partner who is the driver in the family.

So long as your general relationship is pretty good which it sounds like, i would just let it go and not worry too much. It'll blow over soon enough, she's your mum and the only one you'll ever have so make the most of it whilst she is still present.

My mum can be like this. She will say something'isn't a problem' and then goes mad when it happens.

Sometimes it's about little things. Sometimes bigger. A few years ago we had Xmas with my husband's family. We agreed we'd do Xmas with them and new year with mine. This involved us paying a lot in flights to go and visit them. We spend a week with my parents as opposed to one night with my mum. I can't expect my husband to not see his family every Xmas. It's nonsense. She said that was fine then refused to speak to me on Xmas day and gave me the silent treatment at theirs for days.

I think she tests me sometimes. Always expecting the worst. She wants to see if I will offer her something before she asks. She'll never say what she really means or wants. Then gets annoyed when she doesn't get it. I think it's to do with depressive feelings and thinking the worst of everyone and being a martyr. I feel your pain.

As for this 'lift issue' what a load of nonsense. Tell her to do one. There is no difference between getting an uber and a lift. She's 67 not 97 as well. Not some old crone. Close it down. Say i offered you an Uber. You said no. That's the end of it.

Absolutely fucking not. No one has to maintain a relationship or bow down to anyone who treat us poorly regardless of blood ties.

How does it sound like a good relationship when she says her mother has always treated her to the silent treatment, even as a child? Classic narcissistic behaviour.
Just because you have a lovely relationship with your Mum, it doesn’t mean all of us have. Some of us have to build barriers, walk away and force ourselves to harden up lest they drain our life force and every ounce of joy from us.

The problem is OP's mum has tried for years to condition her to prioritise her over herself and meet her needs. So it's most likely a hard thing to break

Agreed.

My mother moaned about everything but didn't want anything to change: it's like she just enjoyed the moaning. I used to try, even as a child, but nothing made any difference. She'd complain that nobody else did any housework, so I'd dust & polish & hoover, but when I showed her what I'd done, she just looked disappointed & then carried on moaning, as if I hadn't done anything. On one level it's funny, but on another level it's deeply dispriting to live with someone like this. Learning not to care or try is the only way out of it, but it can feel like trampling on your own feelings because you're a good person who wants her mother to be happy.

Here's a story about her from when I was an adult & was still in contact & still trying to make her happy. Maybe it'll make you laugh, OP.

I once offered her a day out, just the two of us - something we'd never done before. She didn't drive; I did. I live in a naice touristy area, so I picked her up & drove her to a National Trust property, our agreed destination. But as we approached the entrance, she suddenly said she didn't really want to go there. I was a bit taken aback but said OK, & wracked my brains to think of somewhere else to go.

I suggested a new venue, she said yes & we set off for that. As we approached, you guessed it... she didn't want to go there either. I tried again & in the end we almost went to three places.

It's like she couldn't bear to enjoy herself with me. But why did she accept my initial offer? And why wait until we're at each place before saying pitifully that she didn't really want to go there? I drove all over the place without us actually doing anything!

I think you need to put a bit of distance between yourself and your mum - sounds like you are all living in each other's pockets and it's suffocating.

My mother was like this, I can only imagine how it affects you OP.

Sorry, but how can you offer her a lift if you dont drive? I am confused

Are you joking? Clarify? She literally said (more than once) that her partner needed the car to get to a GP appointment. Do you always have problems with comprehension?

The OP has said that her mum used to give her the silent treatment for days when she was a child and had done something to upset her and that she regularly behaves like this. I’m not sure that makes it a ‘generally good’ relationship?

Does she have a disability? Maybe my family skews my perspective but she's only 67! Perfectly capable of getting an Uber or a taxi.

My 89yo grandma gets herself to the shops and to church on public transport. I'd stop replying if you've already made everything clear as you said

Your posts made me think of this article in the Guardian this morning:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/oct/02/the-peacock-parent-problem-how-to-survive-being-raised-by-a-narcissist?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

Life is too short for this crap. Anyone that carries an argument for 14 hours can feck off. Who cares who was right are wrong. Do an Elsa on it and let it go.

Time to change the script OP.

She sounds like a covert narcissist (not a doctor so not saying she meets a diagnosis standard).

Read Susan Forward Toxic Parents and you will find her there.

Honestly life is too short to put up with this shit - you don’t have to be her punching bag all your life.

You offered her an uber. What's her problem. She sounds manipulative and exhausting to be around.

No idea why people have been asking do you drive, why couldn't your husband drop her off before the GP appointment etc- it's all irrelevant, she was offered a lift in the form of taxi that she didn't even have to book herself!! How entitled is she.

I'd play her at her own game. If you happen to bump into her colleagues be like "gosh wasn't that bus strike a palaver, with all the extra traffic. Offered to get mum a taxi to work but she said she'd rather the walk..."

Her colleagues hopefully know she's an unreliable narrator mind.

Do you read any of the OPs posts? The relationship sounds strained at best.

In my personal experience, I'd rather have my mother than being raised in an orphanage but I don't miss her manipulative behaviour that's similar the OPs mum one bit. 🤷🏻‍♀️

📞 Why? Oh... Because she's dead!

Your mum is being precious. Could be like she is always been like that or could be that some events/circumstances have made her being like this. You know her better.

Just as well OP only has one mother - imagine trying to deal with any more of this BS and drama……

Seriously?? I thought you were going to say it was an hour's walk! Presumably she normally has to walk to the bus stop??

She sounds like a toddler. What a shame that people can get to her age without growing up. I have a self-centred friend like this. I don't feel it's my responsibility to make excuses for, in her case, rude comments and behaviour. But with your mum, I would leave it a few days and then act normal. She has more to lose than you do. Sounds as if she likes being a martyr. I would do my best to put a stop to this each time ("I must go now. Speak soon. Bye!" etc).

No she doesn’t. She just acts old.

I literally text her at 6am saying I’ll get you that uber. She said no cos she’s going in to Aldi before work.

And then “why would I get a taxi when I wasn’t even offered a lift”

She sounds like a covert narcissist. My mother is the same. It's beyond exhausting. I do stand up to her (as in ignore her attempts at guilt tripping and manipulation) but when I do I pay a heavy price in guilt and angst. There is no easy answer.