Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

[zebraprintxmasdinner]

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

Whatever you do, don’t let her move in with you when she’s actually 80. She’ll make your life miserable 24/7.

Are you working?

I would tell her that actually you're not speaking to her until she stops being ridiculous and apologises, and then enjoy the peace. Your childhood sounds abusive, nobody should treat a little kid like that and the way she behaved was wrong then and is still wrong now. You could stop putting up with her shit.

She sounds absolutely exhausting. But if she only ever comes round when she's invited, there's an easy solution...

Tried that she just moans at me haha !!!!

You are in the right, she is in the wrong. She sounds very hard work and precious. Another vote to not feed into it, my mum is a little older than yours and tries harder to push these annoying habits / demands / entitlements

You don't have to have a relationship with her, you know. If she has been doing this to you for 30-40 years I have seen people cut off family for less.

I’m only 31. She had me older.

She's being ridiculous. I would tell her this, and suggest that she gets back on touch again once she has got over herself. In the meantime, ignore.

It makes perfect sense, but then I had a late, exMIL like this, and IME it's not so much about the actual logistics as her wish for you to placate her by leaping to her command

The "poor little me with an unfeeling family" when relating it to others is especially unpleasant - though a well worn path - and the only solution I can offer is not to engage with it

Easier said than done I know, but "Oh dear" and changing the subject can carry you through a lot

What would happen if you say "I'm not listening to this mum. Call me when you're ready to be pleasant." and then hang up? You don't have to just put up with this. You can't change her, but you don't have to pander to her.

Clearly she's in the wrong, but you know that.

You also know she's going to continue making your life miserable unless you finally decide to break off contact, which many people in your situation would have done a long time ago.

Since you’re not going to change her, what are you going to do to change your responses to her manipulative bullshit?

I know it is a bit of a cliche on here but if she has started saying things wrong there may be a genuine issue. You may be seeing the symptoms of early onset dementia.

when I was caring for my mum who had dementia I attended a workshop where one of the participants said that her mum kept repeating things to annoy her! A person with dementia can’t control that kind of impulsivity (is that the right words?).

She doesn’t have dementia. She is sharp. Shes been through phases before of doing things to appear older and endearing.

But in the original post, OP mentioned that her mum asked "how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me" - Surely mum knows she can't drive? so it it the OP cannot drive because she doesn't have a licence, or, can usually drive, but for some un-communicated reason, cannot drive on this particular occassion?

Seems a bit weird mum would expect an offer of a lift if she knows daughter can't drive.

She's 67 - shes not child, nor elderly nor an invalid. Why on earth isn't she sorting out getting to her work herself!

Just stop communicating with her for a few days OP. From experience, it’s always those closest to us that give out the flack when things go wrong………for some reason I’m expected to have a crystal ball and super mind-reading powers 🤔……if only! Oh, and the miraculous ability to be in two places at once 🤣🤣

OP, with kindness (but also being blunt) why on earth are you feeding this drama?

I can't imagine for the life of me how it can be your responsibility to get your mum to work when she a ) is a grown adult b) is completely mobile and c) doesn't even live with you.

I also can't understand why, if she tells you there is a bus strike, you don't just say "oh that's annoying. I'm sure you'll sort something out. Got to go now and sort dinner out. Bye!"

A lift off my partner. Not me.

She clearly means OP didn't offer on behalf of her partner to do it, not personally drive her. This is some serious nitpicking.

You have nothing to apologise to her for - let her go for days without speaking to you. Please don't apologise - you are just enabling her behaviour.

This is true to be fair. She'd have bitched and moaned even if she took the Uber that it's a waste of money so use the money on a bottle of wine and don't try and fix things for her next time.

Is your mother disabled or vulnerable in some way? Is that why you feel it’s your responsibility to get her to work?
if not then just leave this be, she is an adult who works and is capable of sourcing her own transport. Stop offering as it just makes her more dependent on you when it sounds like she’s very capable.

In contrast my mother is also 67 and frequently rides 20-30 miles on a bike for fun. Unless there is some underlying weakness, 67 isn’t exactly elderly

Sigh.

No suggestions, just offering a back rub of consolation.