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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here. 16 hour argument.

315 replies

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:26

Please someone give me some clarity as my mother is draining me and been carrying on this disagreement for 16 hours.

Bus strikes in local area, mum has to get to work for 8:30am, my partner has a car but had a GP apt at 9am, I text my mum and said I will get her an uber to work save her walking as she is 67, she refused plenty of times so I just left it. She couldn’t have had a lift off my partner as he needed to leave for his gp apt.

She has been in a foul mood with me, saying how hard work it was to walk, I said she should’ve took my offer of an uber, she responds with a tirade of how she wasn’t even offered a lift off me, she does me favours all the time etc etc and how her friend at work would’ve gave a lift if she had known.

This has been going on since yesterday. Please can someone clarify if I am the Arsehole of the year or not.

OP posts:
Ohmygodthepain · 02/10/2025 12:27

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 11:31

Offered the uber re impending strikes last week then reminded her every day up until yesterday
Did make her aware of GP apt
I can’t drive myself
We both help eachother out, but she has habit for this sort of shit acting a martyr

Let her

My mum used to do this. Tell her that you offered an alternative every day, that she knew you couldn't offer her a lift due to the GP appointment, and you won't engage in this nonsense any more.

PlaceIntheClouds · 02/10/2025 12:28

If she has a job she needs to arrange her own backup transport option. She sounds very draining.

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:28

She is old in her mind
This is what I don’t get. She prides herself on being fit and able and active but mentally she’s about 80

OP posts:
Flossflower · 02/10/2025 12:29

Perhaps you need a little distance in the relationship. I am older than your mother and I would never ask my adult children to give me a lift. I am perfectly capable of getting a taxi. Just don’t contact her for a while and if she brings it up again say that you are not discussing it.

WeeGeeBored · 02/10/2025 12:30

I am not going to vote either way because for all you are saying your mother is ranting so are you. It makes it difficult to understand what is going on. The fact that you need one of you to be right and the other wrong speaks volumes. You should both have tried to find a solution that worked rather than getting at each other. However I think this kind of disagreement is typical in most families. No big deal.

onetrickrockingpony · 02/10/2025 12:30

It’s her responsibility to get herself to work, not yours.

Tell her to get over it, stop being a martyr, and that you don’t want to hear any more about it.

Then just ignore until she gets the message.

If you don’t manage expectations now she’ll be expecting you to do everything for her in a few years.

CashmereCat · 02/10/2025 12:30

Wivon · 02/10/2025 12:16

Please look up narcissistic mothers. My mother is exactly the same and it took me years of banging my head against a wall to realise that this was the reason she did x, y and z.

This
You are the scapegoat into which she is dropping all her toxic behaviour, she will ruin your life
You will never please her
Stop trying

Notagain75 · 02/10/2025 12:31

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:28

She is old in her mind
This is what I don’t get. She prides herself on being fit and able and active but mentally she’s about 80

If she prides herself on being fit, able and active why is she complaining about walking to work? How far was it?

lazyarse123 · 02/10/2025 12:32

You need to start standing up for yourself. Easier to say than do but try not to apologise and let her stew. It's appalling that she did this shit when you were a child and has made you think it's acceptable, it's not.
I also wouldn't worry what her colleagues and friends think. It's what you think that matters and you know you've done all you can.

Candyflosies · 02/10/2025 12:33

Op you are a grown woman with your own life to get on with.
Same as your mother she as an adult should get things done and sorted for her self.
You seem to come across as a people pleaser and to be honest you need to stop it.
If she wants to moan and kick off like some child let her do it.
If you dont put your foot down now it will just get worse and it will drain you.

Lindy2 · 02/10/2025 12:33

A 67 year old woman is perfectly capable of booking herself a taxi or arranging a lift herself.

She had good warning that your DH was unable to provide a lift for a very valid reason.

You're not responsible for her work travel arrangements.

I'd ask her directly "do you think DH should have cancelled his GP appointment so he could drive you to work?" I think most reasonable people would not expect this - her answer would be interesting.

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:33

Notagain75 · 02/10/2025 12:31

If she prides herself on being fit, able and active why is she complaining about walking to work? How far was it?

Edited
Show quote history

12 minutes from her house to the tram stop. 5 minutes from tram stop to work.

OP posts:
DingDongJingle · 02/10/2025 12:33

WeeGeeBored · 02/10/2025 12:30

I am not going to vote either way because for all you are saying your mother is ranting so are you. It makes it difficult to understand what is going on. The fact that you need one of you to be right and the other wrong speaks volumes. You should both have tried to find a solution that worked rather than getting at each other. However I think this kind of disagreement is typical in most families. No big deal.

Well that’s a take! It isn’t remotely difficult to understand what’s going on from the post, I can break it down for you if you like?
There was a bus strike. The OP couldn’t offer her a lift to work (not that getting her to work is the OP’s responsibility anyway) as her DH (whose car it is) had an appointment in the opposite direction. The OP offered repeatedly to call her mum an Uber to get her to work. Her mum said no. Her mum now isn’t talking to her because she had to walk to work.

FamilyPhoto · 02/10/2025 12:35

zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:06

She is an odd one. In this scenario she’ll have told people at work we have a car, glossed over that she was offered a lift and refused, refused a paid for taxi in order for people to think I’m the biggest selfish cow

My mum is strange. She likes being a victim, enjoys people feeling sorry for her if that makes sense

I just knew she would have a victim mentally. I agree with everyone else saying disengage @zebraprintxmasdinner , no matter what you will always be in the wrong with a person like this.

pigsDOfly · 02/10/2025 12:35

Thundertoast · 02/10/2025 12:27

I just need to say this: 67 is not 'old' and dont get tricked into her convincing you that she is 'elderly' and therefore making you feel obligated to do stuff for her on that basis. She's not 90.

No she isn't old. She's still working, as are a great many other people her age.

I'm ten years old than OP's mother. I live on my own and do everything for myself. If I need to get somewhere I drive myself there or if it's a horrible drive I'll get a train, and if that involves booking a taxi to the station I'm more than capable of booking the taxi myself.

But then I don't see myself as some sort of victim if someone else doesn't organise things for me.

CBM40 · 02/10/2025 12:36

Why is it your responsibility to get your mum to work ?

lazyarse123 · 02/10/2025 12:37

WeeGeeBored · 02/10/2025 12:30

I am not going to vote either way because for all you are saying your mother is ranting so are you. It makes it difficult to understand what is going on. The fact that you need one of you to be right and the other wrong speaks volumes. You should both have tried to find a solution that worked rather than getting at each other. However I think this kind of disagreement is typical in most families. No big deal.

There was a solution that worked but the mother wasn't having it. A taxi to work at the time she wanted and paid for. Op is right, it wasn't difficult to understand. The mother has a martyr complex.

WonderfulSmith · 02/10/2025 12:39

So a grown ass woman needs to get herself to work. I missed the bit where it was your problem.

WFHforevermore · 02/10/2025 12:39

OMG!! Are we secret sisters? This is my mum to a tee.

Its really tiring isnt it, i feel for you

Boomer55 · 02/10/2025 12:41

As a mother of adult kids, I would have just ordered my own Uber.

We all help each other out, but I wouldn’t rely on them for things I can do myself. 🤷‍♀️

isitmytime · 02/10/2025 12:41

Put it back to her, Ask her what she expected you to do?
explain to her one final time that you offered her solutions, with proof if you have messages about it, and she declined all options and chose to walk.
if she chooses to try and keep going with this ignore, every single time. Change the subject or just ignore completely telling her one last time you won’t be discussing this again,
you have more patience than me I’d have told her to stop playing the victim and that this is a situation of her own making.
she’s 67, working and presumably more than capable of sorting out her own problems.
it sounds like she does indeed like playing the victim and thrives off the drama.

DashboardConfession · 02/10/2025 12:41

Mum is in the wrong. She didn't want an Uber; she wanted you and your partner to put yourselves out to show how important she is.

Topseyt123 · 02/10/2025 12:41

To me it sounds more like your mother being the arsehole here.

Tell her that you will no longer engage with such bollocks and then just leave her to stew. It is not your responsibility to get her to work, it's hers.

Original poster
zebraprintxmasdinner · 02/10/2025 12:42

She’s also started doing this thing where she says modern things wrong on purpose.
Saying she didn’t know McDonald’s did delivery, she hates anything new.

I think she thinks it’s endearing being one of those “old people” that says things wrong on purpose. It’s fucking jarring.

OP posts:
MyMilchick · 02/10/2025 12:42

YWNBU what did she expect you to do? She wanted your husband to cancel his Dr's appointment? You offered to get her an Uber