Page 9 | To hate being asked this question in early dating

MainframeMalfunction · 02/10/2025 15:45

HPFA · 02/10/2025 15:42

Men can't win really can they?

If they just assume a child lives with the mother they're being sexist - and those assumptions will just add to the stigma given to women who aren't living full time with their small children.

But if they don't make that assumption then they're being intrusive and weird?

The OP wasn’t objecting to him asking that, but to his ongoing questions about their family life and her relationship with her ex. It is objectively weird and intrusive to ask such questions of a complete stranger with whom you’ve never even had a phone call let alone met in person.

Applesonthelawn · 02/10/2025 15:46

I think quite sensible. Being a step parent is a huge responsibility to a small child especially if the child will be living you. He is quite right to ask. Why wouldn't you want to know where he stands with regard to step parenting before progressing things with him?
Single mothers should view dating as a process to find a step father for their child, every bit as much as finding a partner for you. Of course you don't want to introduce any man into your child's life who will not be a permanent and reliable fixture.

Jtfrtj · 02/10/2025 15:47

MainframeMalfunction · 02/10/2025 15:40

So many presumptions here. Dating someone or even having a long-term and committed relationship with them doesn’t necessarily mean you decide to live together or there’s any expectation (or, indeed, option!) to become involved with their children or become their children’s step parent.

Anybody who would view children as “baggage” really shouldn’t be dating anybody with children and no decent parent would be prepared to date someone who thought like this.

In any case, most of this seems largely irrelevant given that the issue wasn’t that the OP is a parent (which this man already knew), rather that he was asking lots of intrusive questions about her family life which are none of his business as a total stranger, and that he behaved disrespectfully and continued questioning her about this after she’d made clear she wasn’t comfortable with these questions, then despite ignoring her boundaries and being so entitled and demanding disclosure of personal matters from someone he has not yet even met, he refused even to answer why he was asking such questions so is therefore also a hypocrite with double standards.

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You’re taking the term “baggage” too personally due to your own feelings and love towards your child. Take yourself away for a second and don’t expect strangers who have no emotional connection towards you to feel anything otherwise initially. Your children are not known to them yet and therefore not humanised in their minds.

There’s nothing wrong with preferring to date a person with no dependents or lingering ex’s. It’s what everyone would choose if given the choice. But exceptions are made when getting to know someone and you realise they’re the right person, and suddenly though tick boxes don’t seem to matter anymore.

All these feelings are part of being human.

BunnyLake · 02/10/2025 15:48

MainframeMalfunction · 02/10/2025 13:58

Irrelevant to even consider given that they may meet and either of them decide within a minute that there is no spark or compatibility. People are hardly going to disclose their life stories and details of family arrangements / relationships with ex partners/ details of their children’s lives to a total stranger on the internet that they’ve never met in person at all. Anybody who would seek to make someone divulge this information - especially given the OP’s responses made it quite clear that she was not comfortable doing so - has no respect for normal boundaries, has poor manners, and should have the self-awareness to know that such behaviour is a hallmark of abusers so would instantly result in them being blocked. Many abusers do know this which is precisely why they do this - it saves them time as it is an easy test to identify women with poor boundaries who will be susceptible to abuse.

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I don't really understand your pov. The whole point of their communications is to see whether they want to have a first date. There’s no point in a first date if some things are already deal breakers for one of you. Why do you think it’s more appropriate for him (or anyone) to ask these questions on the second or fifth date or not at all rather than before a first date?

Although I see to you it’s the sure sign of an abuser. But is that necessarily so?

Jtfrtj · 02/10/2025 15:52

BunnyLake · 02/10/2025 15:48

I don't really understand your pov. The whole point of their communications is to see whether they want to have a first date. There’s no point in a first date if some things are already deal breakers for one of you. Why do you think it’s more appropriate for him (or anyone) to ask these questions on the second or fifth date or not at all rather than before a first date?

Although I see to you it’s the sure sign of an abuser. But is that necessarily so?

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Yeah she lost me at the “abusers” part too, was a bit of a jump.

Sasha07 · 02/10/2025 15:53

When I was going to baby groups/meeting a group of mums who didn't know eachother, I often heard it being asked about the ex. Like 'is this your first? Are you still with the Dad? Are things alright since yous split up?' etc. So I don't see it as being weird. He maybe isn't the confrontational type and was worried about the ex being a psycho. Or just to know how available you'll be for other dates etc. Or just making small talk as he doesn't understand single/co-parenting.
I think it's normal questions from my experience (with other mums but don't see why it would be different from a potential partner.) There's no handbook saying when the right time is for an individual, everyone is different.

EarthaKittsVoice · 02/10/2025 16:01

MainframeMalfunction · 02/10/2025 14:46

Interrogating complete strangers like this before even meeting them is bizarre in the extreme and totally inappropriate. I presume you found a large number of people unmatched you once the Spanish Inquisition began, and rightly so.

It would have been quicker for you to meet them for a ten minute coffee before you started trying to find out their life stories. Why bother when you might not like each other at all anyway? And obviously anybody with any decent boundaries would have found it weird and overly invested and intense and rude to behave like that to a complete stranger so you probably weeded yourself out for a lot of people by being so invasive and odd.

Did you also ask them about how they envisaged dividing up housework once you lived together and have children? Got to check you’re “compatible” after all, before wasting ten minutes meeting somebody. Was there a questionnaire to fill in?

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You are totally out of line with this - ' I presume you found a large number of people unmatched you once the Spanish Inquisition began, and rightly so.'

This has never been my experience with online dating or with men approaching me in real life.

I won't be engaging with you going forward.

Nurseleaver82 · 02/10/2025 16:05

Im set for my first date at the weekend with a guy, local to me, we've only chatted for about a week. I have been single for several yrs as well and decided to have a little go at dating. Whilst we have been chatting and are aware we have children, neither of us has discussed home set up. As we don't know where this is going just going to see and to be honest, if it did work out he wouldn't A. Come near my house for a while B. be meeting my dd for a v long time. So yeah this is odd. Does he have children? What's his living set up? 🤔 . Xx

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 02/10/2025 16:08

Kerrisk · 02/10/2025 11:27

Yes, those are deeply bizarre questions and suggest someone with a weirdly prurient cast of mind and no filter. I’d suggest he jogged on.

Really? I find that assumption astonishing. The man is asking a perfectly normal question. Would you think it odd if women asked men with children what their status was in terms of whether they lived with the children, had 50:50 or whatever and what their co-parenting relationship with their ex was like? I'd have thought women would be very much encouraged and supported to find out the answer to those sorts of questions actually. It could potentially tell them an awful lot about what kind of man they are getting to know.

Hullopalloo · 02/10/2025 16:10

@yeahokayyythen I think he's just trying to suss out your family situation ie :

Are you on such good terms with your ex that you might get back together
Do you despise your ex and not on speaking terms
How much free time do you actually have to date?

Im also a single parent and id say that's generally what prospective partners want to know. My ex couldnt understand how i could be on good terms with my children's dad who was abusive in the past but has made changes. Actually we are friendly for the sake of the kids and probably wouldnt associate otherwise. Also, if i met someone who hated their ex and wouldnt speak, thats also a drama i dont want. I have my kids pretty much 99% of the time but i have great childcare so i have time to date. This is really how you answer this stuff and i think its ok to ask.

Original poster

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 16:11

Nurseleaver82 · 02/10/2025 16:05

Im set for my first date at the weekend with a guy, local to me, we've only chatted for about a week. I have been single for several yrs as well and decided to have a little go at dating. Whilst we have been chatting and are aware we have children, neither of us has discussed home set up. As we don't know where this is going just going to see and to be honest, if it did work out he wouldn't A. Come near my house for a while B. be meeting my dd for a v long time. So yeah this is odd. Does he have children? What's his living set up? 🤔 . Xx

This is what I mean. Just feel like jumping in early into questions about my child's living arrangements and my ex seemed intrusive like he's skipping past getting to know me and straight to my private life. My ex isn't toxic or anything but I'd rather not be going into all that straight away. He wants to meet up but I've not said yet if I want to, just chatting then will probably see where it goes. I know it's not wrong for him to be curious though.

OP posts:

whimsicallyprickly · 02/10/2025 16:18

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 13:45

Sorry I'll reply properly shortly. The bit I found personal was the "may I ask how are things with the dad".

So.....you say no.

Why didn't you say no?

Original poster

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 16:18

No he doesn't have children. I don't think I will meet him, he does seem polite enough but just not feeling it. We spoke about work the other day and I told him my job which isn't anything special but it's something I enjoy doing, I'm self employed so I can work around taking care of my child, but after I told him what I do, he replied asking what made me want to do that job. Felt a bit condescending, like my job was a strange or a low value choice that needs justifying. Maybe I'm hard work though or just too sensitive.

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 02/10/2025 16:20

Not odd or weird at all.

if you’re going to potentially get involved with someone who has a child with another person you have the right to know from the get go what the situation is so you can make an informed decision as to if this is something you want to peruse.

You could be on good terms with your ex or you could have him at your door every other day with police being involved.

Your child could be living with you full time, 50/50 or just weekends.

Lots of difference scenarios and anyone dating you has the right to know what the set up is.

Slimmernow · 02/10/2025 16:21

MainframeMalfunction · 02/10/2025 15:45

The OP wasn’t objecting to him asking that, but to his ongoing questions about their family life and her relationship with her ex. It is objectively weird and intrusive to ask such questions of a complete stranger with whom you’ve never even had a phone call let alone met in person.

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It’s not ‘objectively’ weird and instructive to ask those questions as it can only ever be subjective to an individual - and the vast majority of individuals on this thread disagree with you.

I think you need to re-read the OPs posts as there was not ‘ongoing questions about their family life’ - there was an equal exchange with the OP asking most of the Qs for clarification and then a polite request from him to ask if he “May ask….”

The OP could have said “No, you may not ask” - and then she admits it was “How he phrased the Q - rather than what the Q was that she found tricky”

Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said “Yes of course” and asked “Why?”

He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask.

I then asked “Why?”

And he then replied saying that he “didn't want to assume anything - that's all.”

then went on to say “May I ask how things are with the dad?”

I'd rather him of said “do you and your ex get on ok?” instead of how he worded it.

Jtfrtj · 02/10/2025 16:22

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 16:18

No he doesn't have children. I don't think I will meet him, he does seem polite enough but just not feeling it. We spoke about work the other day and I told him my job which isn't anything special but it's something I enjoy doing, I'm self employed so I can work around taking care of my child, but after I told him what I do, he replied asking what made me want to do that job. Felt a bit condescending, like my job was a strange or a low value choice that needs justifying. Maybe I'm hard work though or just too sensitive.

While I feel the questions surrounding your family set up wasn’t rude, his response to your job was. And as you say, condescending. I’d reading far more into this than him asking if you have a civil relationship with your child’s father.

I probably wouldn’t meet him for that reason alone.

JHound · 02/10/2025 16:23

Greggsit · 02/10/2025 12:42

And isn't it better to find that out early on?

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I just think he shouldn’t be trying to date parents full stop.

LeaderBee · 02/10/2025 16:23

Seem like perfectly reasonable questions to me
"Does child live with you" (Is this a stable household)
"How is relationship with dad" (by dating this woman, am i getting myself into some drama that I could otherwise do without)

Slimmernow · 02/10/2025 16:24

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 16:18

No he doesn't have children. I don't think I will meet him, he does seem polite enough but just not feeling it. We spoke about work the other day and I told him my job which isn't anything special but it's something I enjoy doing, I'm self employed so I can work around taking care of my child, but after I told him what I do, he replied asking what made me want to do that job. Felt a bit condescending, like my job was a strange or a low value choice that needs justifying. Maybe I'm hard work though or just too sensitive.

Again I would see this as polite, engaged conversation - showing an interest in you, your talents and motivation. But you read it as potentially judgmental?

MoominMai · 02/10/2025 16:24

OneAmberFinch · 02/10/2025 11:34

Huh? It would be deeply weird NOT to ask.

Right?! It’s a good thing that people are checking their compatibility and preferences early on. As a woman, I asked exactly the same Qs of my ex and he wasn’t offended just answered truthfully so I could manage my expectations of what getting into a relationship with him may entail 🤷🏻‍♀️

everychildmatters · 02/10/2025 16:25

@JHound Why not? I dated a lovely man once with no children and he knew I had two of my own... so lovely in fact that we're now happily married! 😊

Moveoverdarlin · 02/10/2025 16:27

Makes total sense to ask those questions. Who wants to get involved with someone who has a nightmare of an ex in their lives for the next 18 years? More people should be like this man.

everychildmatters · 02/10/2025 16:29

@Moveoverdarlin Oh yes - a woman who has suffered from abuse in a past relationship and happened to have children with that man should never be loved again(!)

LeaderBee · 02/10/2025 16:32

everychildmatters · 02/10/2025 16:29

@Moveoverdarlin Oh yes - a woman who has suffered from abuse in a past relationship and happened to have children with that man should never be loved again(!)

Not saying she shouldn't find love again but I certainly couldn't be arsed dealing with a snarky, vindictive, dickhead of an ex inserting themselves into a new relationship, it's not worth the effort.

Jtfrtj · 02/10/2025 16:32

everychildmatters · 02/10/2025 16:29

@Moveoverdarlin Oh yes - a woman who has suffered from abuse in a past relationship and happened to have children with that man should never be loved again(!)

No one is entitled to a relationship, it’s not a basic human right. If a woman is in that situation then it’s sad, however the father of her children continuing to make life hell is anybody else’s problem to deal with. No one should blindly walk into that.