To hate being asked this question in early dating

[yeahokayyythen]

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

I asked these type of questions of the men I dated. If they had a child and there were signs of a dysfunctional co-parenting relationship/unfinished business for example; I wouldn't take the relationship further.

I wasn’t referring to someone you already know well through work or similar. I was referring to someone asking out someone they had just met in person. They would know the person better than this man knows the OP as they would actually have met briefly in person, yet it would be astonishing to start asking the questions he has asked her, and even more astonishing and rude and inappropriate to continue these questions even though the other person made it clear they weren’t comfortable with this. This is what he has been doing. It’s so obviously inappropriate that it’s beyond comprehension that posters are defending such behaviour. And if you don’t understand why such things are red flags that may be indicative of something far worse than the person just being socially inept, poorly mannered and entitled but actually abusive, despite it being explained numerous times already on this thread (and many, many others throughout this website) then I suggest you read up about the topic a little.

I think I get it OP - you want him to be interested in you or consider you as a person before getting into all the logistics!

Thing is, the older we get and the more baggage we have, the more the logistics matter as much as the romance, sadly.

I think it might be quite sensible to ask these questions. I wouldn’t want to waste precious time getting into a sticky situation. Hell, when I was single I wouldn’t even meet people for coffee if they seemed a bit flaky!

@Brightbluesomething So you wouldn't date a dad who has kids 50/50, for example? What do you mean by "matching free time"?

If the roles were reversed I'd probably wonder what the situation with his ex was like but right now me personally I don't think I'd ask, I think I'd actually feel uncomfortable asking and feel like I'm prying a bit. Of course people ask if you have kids etc, that's fine. He knew from the beginning I had one, we're chatting over Facebook too. Obviously if I didn't have any free time to meet someone I wouldn't bother chatting at all. And I can understand no one wants to be involved with someone that could potentially have a toxic ex, and yeah he comes across polite enough but to me it has felt intrusive. I'd rather him of said do you and your ex get on ok, instead of how he worded it. When he asked if my child lived with me and I replied yes of course, an asked why he had asked he said he felt he had to ask and he didn't want to assume. I don't know, maybe I'm hard work lol. I think If I had been chatting to him longer or even if we'd of spoken over the phone a bit I wouldn't have minded as much. We haven't yet spoken about meeting, he wants to but I've said I'm not sure. In all honesty I don't think I will meet him.

Exactly. It wasn’t “do you have children?”, it was detailed questions about your life and relationships and family. And the fact that he continued this when you made it clear you weren’t comfortable discussing it with him before even meeting, and refused to explain why he was asking these things so persistently. Totally inappropriate and crossing boundaries before you even meet him.

As I said earlier it’s not like asking “what do you do for a living?”, rather more akin to asking “how much do you earn?” or “how much do you have in savings?”.

It’s not like asking “who do you live with?” or “do you have your own house?” but more akin to saying “how much equity have you got in your house?”.

If people don’t think these questions would be appropriate before even meeting someone, then neither is what he asked you. Any could lead to imcompatibility, but that is why you date, to establish this. No reasonable person would expect someone to tell them this kind of information when they are, at present, just a complete stranger and a couple of photos on the internet.

I think it's a bit too early to ask "How are things with the Dad?" but it's not too early or intrusive to ask if your child lives with you. I think that's a normal question really. Your child might not have been living with you or you might have a 50:50 arrangement etc. He's probably trying to find out whether it's worth his (and your) while continuing to date if, for example, you would have very limited free time to see each other etc.
I would bin him off though because you don't seem keen on him and he made you feel uncomfortable with the questions.

It sounds like he’s interviewing you, it would rub me up the wrong way too. Although, conversely, I don’t think he’s in the wrong for wondering these things.

He’s trying to suss you out as in is this going somewhere or just a bit of fun. I wouldn’t find questions like that unusual, it’s stuff I’d want to know if I met someone as it saves wasting time getting to know someone who isn’t in the right circumstances.

I think you’d be wise not to meet him. Ultimately his behaviour irked you and made you uncomfortable sufficiently that you started a thread about it so you could sense that there was something not right about his behaviour already. We pick up so many clues subconsciously even via messages and your instinct is that something isn’t right so listen to that.

Setting up a date should not be this complicated. It should be exciting and fun and the person should be intriguing and interesting and making you feel excited to meet them, not uncomfortable and unsure and nervous.

Trust your instincts and find someone who treats you with more respect that you actually feel excited to meet, not someone who’s made you feel unworthy and uncomfortable before you’ve even had a phone conversation let alone met in person.

Sensible questions imo.

How you answer gives him a real insight.
”ok, we make it work for the kids”. Says we are grown up about it.

“He’s an arsehole and I hate him” says oh gawd drama”
”He’s not a good man, but I’ve worked out that not letting him get to me is the best way, I’m in a good place with it”. Says, I’ve been fucked about but I rise above his bullshit.
”we co parent fantastically, he’s a great dad and we make it work”. Says your Gwyneth Paltrow.

When he asked if my child lived with me and I replied yes of course, an asked why he had asked he said he felt he had to ask and he didn't want to assume.

I think this is both a normal question, and a good thing that he did ask. Yes, why assume. People have differnet sorts of relationships. Don't assume women do all the work or automatically have the children. You didn't like it, I think it's refreshing that he isn't making assumptions.

Yeah it was the asking about my ex that I thought was intrusive. I don't mind speaking about my situation but just not a couple of convos in.

Had I dated a man with kid/s when I was a single mum and he told me he only saw them very infrequently I would want to know (genuinely) why. Why not more/50-50? I wouldn't want a man who wasn't fully invested in his children, even if it meant he had more free time.
The man I ended up dating and subsequently marrying didn't have any bio kids so it wasn't an issue.

To a man, a woman who he’s yet to get to know on a personal level, her children and ex partner will be considered baggage initially. The ones who tell you otherwise are lying. That’s not to say he won’t further down the line become very fond of the children and be a brilliant step dad.

I’m childless by choice and prefer to date men without kids since I’ve chosen not have my own, but in the past I met a father who I fell for, and I had an excellent relationship with the children. But still, a man with kids and an ex who I’ve yet to know and develop feelings for, I would class him as having baggage on paper. That doesn’t make me or said man bad people.

As for why is he not dating women who don’t have children, most men (and women) don’t have the access to date their ideal partner. And most women have children, especially the older you get in adulthood.

You seem to live in a very idealistic world if you expect men to actively want to date a woman with dependents.

Do you think it's odd to ask if your child lives with you ? hahaha!!!
next thing you'd get the hump for being ask what your name is...

Who wants to give their life story and disclose very personal family matters to a complete stranger that they’ve never met in person and may well have no interest in once they do?

I thought it'd be obvious my child did live with me. Most people would assume that surely.

@Jtfrtj My now husband was genuinely pleased when I told him I had two kids (50/50) as he had accepted he was likely not to have any biological children of his own and was looking to be a decent role model (and eventually stepdad).
We now also have one together which still is a surprise to him, even though she's 5 now! He is a brilliant Dad ❤️

@yeahokayyythen My kids haven't lived with me ft since they were 3 and 6 so no, not necessarily.

That’s fantastic. There will always be rare exceptions, and this is one of them. Glad it worked out for you both.

So many presumptions here. Dating someone or even having a long-term and committed relationship with them doesn’t necessarily mean you decide to live together or there’s any expectation (or, indeed, option!) to become involved with their children or become their children’s step parent.

Anybody who would view children as “baggage” really shouldn’t be dating anybody with children and no decent parent would be prepared to date someone who thought like this.

In any case, most of this seems largely irrelevant given that the issue wasn’t that the OP is a parent (which this man already knew), rather that he was asking lots of intrusive questions about her family life which are none of his business as a total stranger, and that he behaved disrespectfully and continued questioning her about this after she’d made clear she wasn’t comfortable with these questions, then despite ignoring her boundaries and being so entitled and demanding disclosure of personal matters from someone he has not yet even met, he refused even to answer why he was asking such questions so is therefore also a hypocrite with double standards.

Maybe asking as if your child didn’t live with you then you are more able to be spontaneous with dates etc. I don’t think it was overly weird

Men can't win really can they?

If they just assume a child lives with the mother they're being sexist - and those assumptions will just add to the stigma given to women who aren't living full time with their small children.

But if they don't make that assumption then they're being intrusive and weird?