To hate being asked this question in early dating

[yeahokayyythen]

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

Perfectly reasonable questions. If you had gone into a rage on your ex and shown there was toxic drama there, then maybe he wouldn't have wanted to get involved. Therefore would save the time, effort and money on going on dates before finding this out

It could well be judgemental. Particularly if it’s low paid or unskilled. I’ve met quite a few people who I could imagine responding like this. Not out of genuine interest, but out of bemusement.

Communication through text can be unclear as you can’t always sense the tone in which it’s delivered, but OP obviously isn’t feeling it anyway.

@yeahokayyythen what on earth is wrong with asking someone what made them want to choose a particular career path? People often ask me what made me want to be a doctor, if I always wanted to be a GP, what made me choose general practice rather than surgery etc. It wouldn’t enter my head that they were looking down on me. I find people’s career choices interesting.

I have to say, I think you’re going to struggle in the brutal world of online dating if you are so easily offended. Or maybe you'll toughen up. Maybe - when you’ve been on innumerable walks, drinks, coffees, meals with men who say something racist after an hour, or rant constantly about their bitch ex, or have the name of the daughter they never see tattooed on their arm, or drink 4 pints before you arrive, or tell you they live with their Mum because they hate doing housework….maybe then you’ll start to have a bit of a checklist before you waste your valuable time meeting someone you never want to see again!

I don’t see how that’s intrusive, perfectly normal for him to ask. If I was speaking to a man that had children I’d ask it too!

Also the conversation about your job is just that.. conversation.

It might be that online dating doesn’t suit you, which is fine! I’ve gone off it too because I’d been on it for so long it was just tiresome 🤣

@Jtfrtj My ex-husband was coercively controlling for many years and made my life hell. I am so glad my now husband didn't discount getting into a relationship with me because...well...the abuse was not my fault. In fact, he could see the strength of character I had to survive it 💪

Well, why would they ever look down on you? You’re a doctor, and highly educated.

For a lot of people in low paid or unskilled work, or in a job that is “nothing special”, they’re subjected to social snobbery.

Asking somebody what made them choose that line of work isn’t always asked out of a genuine interest. Do you ever read between the lines, or pick up on a difference of tone?

Honestly, I would have thought a doctor had more awareness than this. Hope I never have to come to you with a bad headache.

@Jtfrtj it is unskilled, I manage fine on the pay but I know some people would look at it and think it isn't a decent job or a proper career so to speak.

Quite honestly given the number of posts on MN about bad blended or step family relationships and arrangements I think it’s a reasonable question up front. Most of the advice given to these posts is ‘well, you knew he/she had kids when you started dating him’ so ….

OP I understand you on this one. I spent years waitressing in chain restaurants while I was a student before doing what I do now. And I recognise the difference in reactions from people when I tell them about my job.

You’re the one who has been communicating with him, not us. If your gut is telling you he was coming from a place of snobbery, he probably was.

Youre not a good match. You're very sensitive and read a lot into everything. He's more forward and possibly a little socially awkward or not reading the room.

Don’t you want to know who he lives with?

x2

@Jtfrtj OP said her job was “nothing special” but that she enjoyed it. Having a job that you enjoy, that pays the bills, and fits around childcare is something of a holy grail for most parents. If OP felt judged when asked about it, it’s more likely that she has a chip on her shoulder than that the person she’s talking to is being critical.

And actually GPs are seen as “lesser” doctors by many people, who will sometimes ask why, when going to all the trouble of becoming a doctor, I didn’t want to do something like neurosurgery or cardiothoracic surgery.

Yes, I agree. I'd see it that he was trying to continue the conversation and taking an interest - if someone said they were a brain surgeon, I'd ask the same question! I don't think it's sneery or condescending at all. In person, this might have sounded really engaged and enthusiastic.

Meant in the kindest way, you do sound quite sensitive OP but regardless of that, you don't owe him your time. So if you're not feeling it, then don't proceed - it's absolutely your decision.

The only thing I would say is that the written word is quite hard to interpret - as we see on here sometimes! - so going forward you might find it easier to get a handle on them if you switch to phone calls or even agree to a quick coffee sooner rather than later. Once you've ruled out the obvious creeps of course!

@Jtfrtj thank you x

My BIL was getting on famously with a woman he met online, and was meeting up with her and going on dates. He knew she had a fairly young child, but what he didn't know was that she also had a husband, conveniently out of the picture in jail. He found that nugget out when the husband appeared on his doorstep, having been released from jail and determined to give the man his wife had been seeing a good kicking. Extreme example, but maybe the OP's guy has been burnt before. Not unreasonable questions.

How on earth do you get to know people if you’re not allowed to ask, why they chose a career paths], if their kid lives with them etc. he’s clearly trying to get to know you. I think if you’re not up for it, just say not interested, block and move on. And find some dude who couldn’t care less.

With my job I think If he'd of replied cool how did you get into that, instead of what made you want to do that I think it would have felt different.

Totally agree that if she enjoys it, it pays the bills and works around her child, then she’s winning. But in reality not everybody shares that sentiment. None of us know for sure if he was being judgemental towards her or not, but I don’t think she necessarily has a chip on her shoulder for thinking he may have been. I mentioned earlier in the thread that I received quite a few remarks (blatant, not at all subtle) about my waitressing jobs when I was university. I never had a chip on my shoulder about it. The way I’m spoken to now when I talk about my career today is entirely different. So I know first hand there’s a lot of job snobbery out there. It’s not a stretch to suggest he was being a bit arsey.

I can see people in the medical field making tone deaf remarks about you “just” being a GP, but I promise you anybody outside of that sector will automatically think “oh wow” when you tell them you’re a doctor.

I think they’re sensible questions to ask! As someone whose DP has ongoing battles with their ex, I can tell you it takes up a lot of their brain space. The toxicity is unhealthy. Plans can be difficult to make as you can never be sure who has the kids when and what dates they’ll swap to the other parent. There is a fair amount of tit for tat behaviour. Police coming to the house…. Essentially it is not a walk in the park and heavily impacts our relationship. I would think it wise to ask about these things in advance and be able to make an informed decision.

I would ask these questions if I was getting into a potential new relationship.
Do you live with your child, very valid to know.
How are things with the other parent, also valid. Because if the answer is, he's in prison for attacking me, he's a lunatic who causes me trouble, were in the middle of a very messy divorce etc, it might not be a situation that someone wants to get in the middle of. If you hear, yeah things are fine, they are a decent person it just didnt work out between us, then that is different from, its a shit storm and you are likely to get dragged into it.

I think being direct is useful for both parties. Neither of you want to waste each others time. He's probably not keen on you having a child around and he's already bugged you for asking. Next.

You are way over thinking things. No one is going to stand up well against this kind of knit picking and scrutiny

Thankfully it was worth the effort for me in the end. However, I probably would have ran for the hills had I known what a fucking fruitcake my DH ex wife is, or been able to foretell the level of stress and upset she would put my stepsons and household through over the years with her false accusations and unnecessary court cases (all of which she lost)

I'd already fell in love with my DH before her bullshit started so I persevered; but people are quite rightly going to avoid this level of drama if they can.

But this was typed in a message so unless the OP shares further details there is nothing in those actual explicit words to point to a negative sneery intent - there are no facial expressions, body language or vocal tone to build any further implicit inference.

I see yet again that the OP was happy about the Q but didn’t like the words he used to phrase it.

I wonder if she is subconsciously emotionally avoidant and is scared of pursuing any relationship so is nit picking to find fault. Or if she approaches life suspiciously and assuming negative intent?