Page 11 | To hate being asked this question in early dating

JHound · 02/10/2025 18:33

everychildmatters · 02/10/2025 16:25

@JHound Why not? I dated a lovely man once with no children and he knew I had two of my own... so lovely in fact that we're now happily married! 😊

Because he seems to prefer her kid is not around (too much).

So I don’t think he should date a parent.

Original poster

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 19:05

@JHound do you think that's the case?

OP posts:

MainframeMalfunction · 02/10/2025 19:45

Jtfrtj · 02/10/2025 15:47

You’re taking the term “baggage” too personally due to your own feelings and love towards your child. Take yourself away for a second and don’t expect strangers who have no emotional connection towards you to feel anything otherwise initially. Your children are not known to them yet and therefore not humanised in their minds.

There’s nothing wrong with preferring to date a person with no dependents or lingering ex’s. It’s what everyone would choose if given the choice. But exceptions are made when getting to know someone and you realise they’re the right person, and suddenly though tick boxes don’t seem to matter anymore.

All these feelings are part of being human.

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Huh? Did you send this to the wrong person? Why are you writing things about me? I’ve not mentioned anything about myself and am not someone who is dating!

MainframeMalfunction · 02/10/2025 20:09

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 17:25

With my job I think If he'd of replied cool how did you get into that, instead of what made you want to do that I think it would have felt different.

It sounds like negging, like he’s attenpting to imply he is superior to you and you should be grateful for his attention. Twice now he’s made you feel uncomfortable before even meeting him. What an impressive specimen! Like I said earlier, trust your instincts.

Bunny44 · 02/10/2025 21:05

MainframeMalfunction · 02/10/2025 14:27

Which demonstrates further the impertinent nature of this man’s question about the nature of the OP’s relationship with her children’s father. Sone posters have attempted to imply this might be motivated by some concern about logistics of dating in an imagined relationship with this stranger he’s never even met yet. However, as you note, she might have other arrangements in place with family etc so even of the children’s father had no contact with the children or her at all she might still have more time free to date than someone with children whose children do regularly see the other parent. His question quite clearly was not about logistical issues at all, otherwise presumably - given he clearly is unconcerned by boundaries or social etiquette - that is what he’d have asked. He was being intrusive and wanted a total stranger to tell him very personal information about her life. If you and other posters think that behaviour is indicative of a good, respectful man then I sincerely hope you are not engaging in online dating.

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I think he does sound like he asked in a very direct and rude way. Sometimes people have asked me but said something like, I hope you don't mind me asking... and if I've asked, I've definitely done it more subtly. My main concern is men who pay no attention to the kids they already have...

Most people I've spoken to have been pretty polite and less direct.

Original poster

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 22:30

I told him we co parent well and he's involved, I did ask why he asked me, and he said "oh no particular reason I just ask incase circumstances were different that's all"... so I asked what he meant, then he said "to be honest I ask because nowadays it seems to be more common for the dad to not be involved what's what I meant by 'incase circumstances were different' that's all"

Thoughts?

OP posts:

JHound · 03/10/2025 01:52

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 19:05

@JHound do you think that's the case?

Based on what was in OP I definitely do.

Tubestrike · 03/10/2025 07:01

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 22:30

I told him we co parent well and he's involved, I did ask why he asked me, and he said "oh no particular reason I just ask incase circumstances were different that's all"... so I asked what he meant, then he said "to be honest I ask because nowadays it seems to be more common for the dad to not be involved what's what I meant by 'incase circumstances were different' that's all"

Thoughts?

Relationships are meant to be easy and fun, I think that if you are having to analyse and dissect what someone is saying then maybe this is not the person for you.

gannett · 03/10/2025 08:08

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 22:30

I told him we co parent well and he's involved, I did ask why he asked me, and he said "oh no particular reason I just ask incase circumstances were different that's all"... so I asked what he meant, then he said "to be honest I ask because nowadays it seems to be more common for the dad to not be involved what's what I meant by 'incase circumstances were different' that's all"

Thoughts?

I wouldn't be up for dating a parent in the first place, but if I was then the situation with the other parent would be absolutely crucial.

Amicable co-parenting would be ideal.

Other parent not in the picture means most of your time will be taken up by solo parenting (unless you have a big and supportive village on hand), and you'll have less time for a relationship. Finding time to see each other will not be spontaneous, it'll be about endlessly syncing diaries and liable to be cancelled at the last minute if a child gets sick.

Acrimonious co-parenting - absolutely do not want to get involved.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 03/10/2025 10:07

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 22:30

I told him we co parent well and he's involved, I did ask why he asked me, and he said "oh no particular reason I just ask incase circumstances were different that's all"... so I asked what he meant, then he said "to be honest I ask because nowadays it seems to be more common for the dad to not be involved what's what I meant by 'incase circumstances were different' that's all"

Thoughts?

My thoughts are that he doesn't want to be somebody's meal ticket, and to step in and take the place of a man who does nothing to support his child.

Perhaps he doesn't really want a relationship with a woman with children at all? Did you mention that in your bio or did he only find out after chatting with you?

It's perfectly okay to not want to take things further upon finding out someone already has kids. It changes things profoundly. Maybe he'd be okay if you didn't live with your child for whatever reason, or if you had 50% of your time to yourself, but he doesn't want to come into a relationship where there is always going to be three of you from the beginning and very little chance for plenty of time just the two of you? Perhaps he wants to be able to travel or go out on dates that don't involve just sitting in your house because you have no childcare or no spare money?

There's no point in wasting your time getting so far down the road only to see him back off after a few months because of your parenting responsibilities and you say 'but you knew I had a child all along. Why waste my time?'

This way, he isn't wasting your time. It's a bit like asking someone early on whether they want marriage and kids or not. If you want them and they categorically don't, just don't invest any more time in them. Not even two dates. It's not worth the risk that you fall for one another then spend the next few years both feeling resentful because you want different things from life.

You may find these questions too intrusive or blunt but that's because I think you know your being a mum might put some men off and they'd prefer someone with no 'baggage'. You want to let them fall for you first, just see the single woman and not the mother, then hope they'll come round to the fact you have a child later because they've already decided they really like you.

Whereas I think it's perfectly okay to have boundaries and expectations from the very beginning and to stick to your guns about what you want or don't want from a potential partner.

Slimmernow · 03/10/2025 10:20

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 03/10/2025 10:07

My thoughts are that he doesn't want to be somebody's meal ticket, and to step in and take the place of a man who does nothing to support his child.

Perhaps he doesn't really want a relationship with a woman with children at all? Did you mention that in your bio or did he only find out after chatting with you?

It's perfectly okay to not want to take things further upon finding out someone already has kids. It changes things profoundly. Maybe he'd be okay if you didn't live with your child for whatever reason, or if you had 50% of your time to yourself, but he doesn't want to come into a relationship where there is always going to be three of you from the beginning and very little chance for plenty of time just the two of you? Perhaps he wants to be able to travel or go out on dates that don't involve just sitting in your house because you have no childcare or no spare money?

There's no point in wasting your time getting so far down the road only to see him back off after a few months because of your parenting responsibilities and you say 'but you knew I had a child all along. Why waste my time?'

This way, he isn't wasting your time. It's a bit like asking someone early on whether they want marriage and kids or not. If you want them and they categorically don't, just don't invest any more time in them. Not even two dates. It's not worth the risk that you fall for one another then spend the next few years both feeling resentful because you want different things from life.

You may find these questions too intrusive or blunt but that's because I think you know your being a mum might put some men off and they'd prefer someone with no 'baggage'. You want to let them fall for you first, just see the single woman and not the mother, then hope they'll come round to the fact you have a child later because they've already decided they really like you.

Whereas I think it's perfectly okay to have boundaries and expectations from the very beginning and to stick to your guns about what you want or don't want from a potential partner.

Edited

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I agree and I wonder what bars, non-negotiables, expectations that the OP might have from her side?

What if they were a single man who had never left home?

What if they were a single man who never left him and was sole carer for his two elderly parents?

What if he had 4 kids with different mothers etc etc

These are all logistics that would impact your dating life and you have every right to consider they won’t work for you and not embark on a relationship in the first place for whatever reasons that are personal to you.

What are your personal boundaries / expectations / no-go’s @yeahokayyythen ?

Original poster

yeahokayyythen · 03/10/2025 10:28

@HeadDeskHeadDesk
Yeah he knew I had a child before he messaged me.

OP posts:

Hullopalloo · 03/10/2025 10:49

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 03/10/2025 10:07

My thoughts are that he doesn't want to be somebody's meal ticket, and to step in and take the place of a man who does nothing to support his child.

Perhaps he doesn't really want a relationship with a woman with children at all? Did you mention that in your bio or did he only find out after chatting with you?

It's perfectly okay to not want to take things further upon finding out someone already has kids. It changes things profoundly. Maybe he'd be okay if you didn't live with your child for whatever reason, or if you had 50% of your time to yourself, but he doesn't want to come into a relationship where there is always going to be three of you from the beginning and very little chance for plenty of time just the two of you? Perhaps he wants to be able to travel or go out on dates that don't involve just sitting in your house because you have no childcare or no spare money?

There's no point in wasting your time getting so far down the road only to see him back off after a few months because of your parenting responsibilities and you say 'but you knew I had a child all along. Why waste my time?'

This way, he isn't wasting your time. It's a bit like asking someone early on whether they want marriage and kids or not. If you want them and they categorically don't, just don't invest any more time in them. Not even two dates. It's not worth the risk that you fall for one another then spend the next few years both feeling resentful because you want different things from life.

You may find these questions too intrusive or blunt but that's because I think you know your being a mum might put some men off and they'd prefer someone with no 'baggage'. You want to let them fall for you first, just see the single woman and not the mother, then hope they'll come round to the fact you have a child later because they've already decided they really like you.

Whereas I think it's perfectly okay to have boundaries and expectations from the very beginning and to stick to your guns about what you want or don't want from a potential partner.

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@HeadDeskHeadDesk I agree with loads you have said though i'd add some men actually would prefer the dad not on the scene as it leaves the space for them to be a stepfather if that's something they have always wanted. I've seen this work well in several cases. A friend of mine is in her late thirties and does not want any more children - she has 1. Her partner (not the dad) desperately wanted a child but she refused. He treats the child like his own and in all honesty, i've never seen someone like this - this is a man who does all the drop offs and pick ups, takes the child to clubs, and my friend really can just focus on work. He's a massive help and dotes on the child who calls him dad. Our other friends envy this as he's more present than their partners. Here the biological dad is hardly ever on the scene. Whereas mine is amicable and i know some (insecure) men would find that weird to deal with.

@yeahokayyythen I was in a long term relationship with someone who then realised the dynamic of me having kids wasnt for him. This was after a year together, meeting families and the children. He wanted someone there all the time ie no kids. OK people are allowed to change their minds but in a way, at least you are both having these discussions early on. As its horribly painful later on to have to let that go later on.

DaisyChain505 · 03/10/2025 11:03

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 22:30

I told him we co parent well and he's involved, I did ask why he asked me, and he said "oh no particular reason I just ask incase circumstances were different that's all"... so I asked what he meant, then he said "to be honest I ask because nowadays it seems to be more common for the dad to not be involved what's what I meant by 'incase circumstances were different' that's all"

Thoughts?

Like me and previous posters have said, he’s just trying to gauge the situation and figure out what’s what.

Your children’s Dad could be hands on and has them 50/50 or he could be non existent in their life meaning you have them 100% of the time.

This Is something that people who are thinking about dating you are entitled to know as it impacts any future relationship they have with you.

The older we get and the more baggage people have the more important it is to not dance around subjects that could determine continuing a possible relationship with someone. I have a feeling that you’re only seeing this as negative because you’re the one with the “baggage” and you’d rather avoid the subject.

Blablibladirladada · 03/10/2025 17:53

I can’t see anything wrong but how you feel about it.
if I were him, I would leave you to it as it is becoming obvious you aren’t ready…

GiveDogBone · 03/10/2025 18:03

Very obvious questions to ask. I mean surely it’s better to ask them sooner than waste time and find out an answer he didn’t want later.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 03/10/2025 18:14

yeahokayyythen · 02/10/2025 11:25

I'm a single parent I've been split from my ex since my child was 4. We have a good co parenting relationship and he is and always has been very involved in his life and is a great dad.

I've recently started dating again currently been chatting to a guy for the last few days. Anyway he asked me last night if my child lived me.. I said yes of course and asked why. He then replied saying how he felt like it was a question he had to ask. I then asked why? Because I just felt like it was an odd question. And he then replied saying as he didn't want to assume anything that's all, then went on to say may I ask how things are with the dad. Am I being overly sensitive here thinking these are personal questions and find it odd how he's asking when he haven't even met up. I've had these kind of questions before and they really bug me.

I don’t see what’s so bad about those questions. Firstly, he could’ve been out with a single parent before and might have had some issues so he’s checking. Secondly, whether your child lives with you or not will likely affect your availability. Maybe a bit too much on a first date but I don’t think it’s terrible. At least he didn’t ask your bra size!

Tubestrike · 03/10/2025 18:16

Be careful that you don't waste his time, if you don't like his perfectly acceptable direct questions , then he probably isn't for you. This is good communication on his part, he's not beating about the bush , lots of relationships fail due to poor communication.

CommonAsMucklowe · 03/10/2025 18:17

If roles reversed I would have been asking him the same questions. I wouldn't want to live with children full time myself so something this important is best found out early on.

ginasevern · 03/10/2025 18:24

He could have been more diplomatic but at least he isn't trying to waste your time or his. You are a mother which (generally) affects every aspect of your life. Effectively there will be three of you in this relationship if it progresses, which can't be taken lightly either by you or him.

YoNoHeSido77 · 03/10/2025 18:52

I think those are perfectly reasonable questions. After being in a relationship where the ex is a nightmare and caused SO MUCH TROUBLE, I’d absolutely want to know what the relationship was like before I committed.
also more and more fathers are primary carers these days, you can’t just assume that the mother is resident parent and he may have wanted to know if you were going to have spare time to actually date, if you are the only involved parent dating becomes much harder. I was married to my husband before we ever went on a ‘date’.

Owl55 · 03/10/2025 18:52

Seems a reasonable question to me , perhaps he doesn’t want an angry ex punching him on the nose unexpectedly!

Doubledenim305 · 03/10/2025 18:57

Kids and family dynamics are MASSIVE in any future relationships. Think it's ok to ask. If he doesn't feel comfortable with the set up he will move on. Win win on both sides ----

Sharptonguedwoman · 03/10/2025 19:36

He doesn’t want to walk into a messy war zone about child care. Fair enough.

Kastri · 03/10/2025 20:54

I wouldn't actually tell a stranger online anything about my children or my relationships.
If I wanted to meet up,it would be a quick coffee just to speak in person and very casual,see if there's any attraction etc.
I don't think it's being overly cautious,just sensible.Plenty of time to get to know each other.
I've never online dated though,or wanted to.