To want my child to have cosmetic surgery?

[Savethewhales1]

I have an 8 year old DD, her ears have always protruded quite significantly. Up until recently, shes never mentioned them, nobodies ever mentioned them to her. She was recently part of a weddings bridal party and while getting ready made a number of comments about her “elf ears”. It’s the first time I’d ever heard her mention them and made me really sad.

I’d like to solve this problem now, as I believe it will likely become an area of great insecurity for her in the future and avoid any teasing down the line (girls can be cruel). I also believe it may be available on the NHS while she’s a child. However, I don’t want to make her self conscious of her ears if she isn’t and cause the insecurity.

So, AIBU?
YANBU - get them pinned back
YABU - don’t risk making her insecure if she isn’t

My mum used to go on at me to get my ears pinned back. I actually agreed with her outeardly but inside I was horrified that she didnt love me as I am. I am still pissed off about it now.
I never got them pinned and my head grew into them and I thinknthey look fine now and I think if I was then it would be better to do it as an adult.

I was in the same situation with my DS. His ears used to her horrific sunburst every year no matter how careful we were with suncream. Got them pinned back when he was about 9 and so happy we did. Ultimately it was his decision but I'd 100% go for it if your daughter is anyway on board. There is some scarring but nothing major. He was in quite a bit of pain for a few months after but he will say now 6 years later he's glad they are done.

All the posters saying embrace differences, quirks etc, I completely agree and that's all very well in theory, but do they know what it's like to be bullied/laughed at every single day about something you can't hide? It's awful. And no, you can't hide them with your hair.

I’m in my 50’s and when I was at primary school it was common for children to get their ears “pinned back” , it was probably up there with getting tonsils out.
Id have thought in the last 50 years the advancement in surgical procedures should make this quite a basic procedure.
If it was my DC I wouldn’t hesitate op

If she says she's got elf ears again smile, kiss her and tell her they are very cute ears and you think she's beautiful. That is all you need to say.

Mumsnet has sections that are obsessed with normalising unnecessary surgery for perceived cosmetic imperfections. To the extent that I wonder if it's bots or advertisers. In real life I know one person who was mildly teased about his ears in childhood (but grew into them and is a very handsome man) and nobody who has had them pinned back. You should not be considering putting your beautiful and healthy child through an unnecessary procedure because of your insecurities about her appearance. That is messed up parenting. She will not be bullied if you raise her to be secure in herself and teach her that how you look is no indication of your value as a human being.

My child’s were done on the NHS 6 years ago, no question, the GP referred me and the surgeon just said yes fine we’ll do it in the 6 weeks holidays.

Easy if she come up with a couple of thousands pounds.

Didn't King Charles have his ears sorted. Good enough for him.....

I doubt parents would deny kids braces or other treatment for overbites/ birthmarks etc. Same thing.

Do it OP, don't wait just go for it. Done and dusted by the time the child might have to deal with the usual cruelty of peers during puberty etc.

This was the 1980’s. They were very prominent and not helped by the fact that with a neuro muscular condition there was no muscle strength to hold them back. I am forever thankful that she said it could be done if he wanted it, and that it was done. He had more than enough to make him ‘different’ at school without something else for kids to bully him about.

I disagree with this. I made a decision to get something corrected on my 4 year old DC. It's something she would've been bullied about and now it's like it was never there. I'd rather eliminate the cause and effect.

I wouldn't want to put my child through being bullied when I can take that specific thing away.
her mental health mattered more than 'not making that decision for her.'

i never understand parents (mums) who say the child can't consent. We spend 18 years consenting to things for our children. It's part and parcel of having children.

children need autonomy but they don't have common sense when they're young. That's when parents step in.

its changed her life. It was a strawberry birthmark on her face btw if that matters.

Is it easier to get them done as a kid than as an adult? Genuine question

I looked like Dobby as a toddler but if my ears didn’t end up growing backwards in primary school, I’d have 100% supported my parents decision to have them pinned back. They saved up for the op but I never needed it. I’d see it more as resolving a birth defect than cosmetic surgery.

And what about children who have differences that are visible and can't be changed with a 'minor' procedure? We should be teaching our kids a) to not bully children that are different and b) embrace our unique appearances.

People with sticky out ears are not the only people who are bullied for their appearance. Do you think it's OK to use harsh chemicals to lighten skin or relax kinky hair, after all, some people are racist and you don't want your children bullied if an easy procedure can 'correct' their difference. Maybe we should hide away disabled people so they don't get bullied? Or smart kids so they don't get called a nerd. Or gay or lesbian or bi kids so they don't get abuse about their sexuality. Maybe we shouldn't allow children to have visible symbols of their religion so they don't get rude comments about that. You can't stop bullying by trying to fit in, you can only stop it by teaching your kids to treat other people with respect.

I had really protruding ears, didnt have this done and was horribly bullied.

I got it done in highschool, paid for but deffinatley had significant distress and the impact of bullying still effects me to this day. I got it done in the summer and moved to a new school so no one would know me.

I was so worried my kids would have protuding ears, none of them do, but if they did it would deffinatly consider this for them.

I would not hesitate @Savethewhales1 she will be very thankful for it.

Thank you for enlightening me 😂I didn’t write anything about having it done on the NHS.

I was writing in support the OP’s question should she get it done?

I think your approach is spot on OP - a gentle chat if it comes up again and let her know it can be sorted if she wants. It's no different than encouraging braces for crooked teeth IMO. If going private you can get it done in the school holidays for minimal disruption.

Crooked teeth can have some dental health implications though. Sticky out ears... none at all.

I had this surgery done myself as a child when I was 10. It happened because I was being bullied at school about it.

A boy at my table used to say "Oh! we haven't looked at ReallyFine's ears today!"

and then he would come round and stand behind me and pull my hair back behind my ears so every one could see and laugh. I didn't like it much.

My Mum left my long hair down to hide my ears and it used to get kind of messy during the school day, and everyone called me "hippy" after the character in "The Young Ones". I didn't like that at all.

After I had the surgery, the boy said his line, and came and pulled my hair back behind my ears. Only then did he see that suddenly my ears were sitting neatly against my head I think he probably saw the scar too, which was still black and looked pretty alarming. I heard him give a sharp intake of breath and in silence, he went meekly back to his chair.

I just looked quitely at my one friend who knew I had had the surgery and gave her the very slightest knowing smile, and she returned it. The boy never mentioned my ears again.

That was a good day.

The surgery btw was easy enough. I had a lot of trouble with nausea for days and days after the anaesthetic but I think the anaesthetist was rubbish because a lot of other patients on the ward were the same. The actual ear part was okay. I had a massive bandage round my head for something like a fortnight, but my Mum organised to have the surgery done in the summer holidays so no one would see that. I had to go back to the hospital to have the stitches taken out but that was fine. My Mum gave me a lego set.

After the surgery I was able to tie my hair back and that was much better. It was really essential when I went on to do lab science, for safety around bunsen flames.

Oddly, when we were 15 I noticed that the boy who had been bothering me also had the same surgery.

My niece had hers done at around this age during the school holdays. She was thriled with the result and as an adult has multiple piercings (and short hair)

Braces are hardly the same thing as surgery under a general anaesthetic.

Having braces can also be used by bullies against a child, by the arguments on this thread, parents should refuse to allow their children to wear braces (or glasses, etc.).

My friends child had this. Mum declined the op, once senior school age she suffered terrible bullying and begged her mum to let her have them pinned. Mum eventually agreed and her daughter had the operation but it was unsuccessful and only worked on one ear. Child was too upset to have it done again so now has one pinned ear and one not.

I had mine done as a young adult and paid over £3k I did have the chance to have them done at 15 and chickened out the morning of the surgery which I wish I hadn’t!
The GP referred me when I was a child and then when I went privately they basically just looked at them and agreed I was suitable for surgery.

The recovery was painful as with any surgery but didn’t last long and now I’m really glad I had them done!

My mum and her mum both had their ears pinned back. For some reason, she didn’t get mine done as a child despite them sticking out significantly. I really wish she did because by the time I pushed for it myself and got referred as a teenager, I was too scared to go through with the operation and I had already endured a lot of teasing. My ears are still my biggest insecurity and I would absolutely take my child to have theirs pinned back if they were in the same position. It’s hard on a child.

Several of my friends had this done. I was under the impression it wasn't that big a deal.

I always tended to think of it as being like braces for dental correction, though now I think more on it, I suppose teeth can have knock-on health issues like jaw alignment and the ears probably are just cosmetic.