To want my child to have cosmetic surgery?

[Savethewhales1]

I have an 8 year old DD, her ears have always protruded quite significantly. Up until recently, shes never mentioned them, nobodies ever mentioned them to her. She was recently part of a weddings bridal party and while getting ready made a number of comments about her “elf ears”. It’s the first time I’d ever heard her mention them and made me really sad.

I’d like to solve this problem now, as I believe it will likely become an area of great insecurity for her in the future and avoid any teasing down the line (girls can be cruel). I also believe it may be available on the NHS while she’s a child. However, I don’t want to make her self conscious of her ears if she isn’t and cause the insecurity.

So, AIBU?
YANBU - get them pinned back
YABU - don’t risk making her insecure if she isn’t

I think you've misread the OP. The child has mentioned her own ears a single time in her life to her mother, and mentions them positively. The OP doesn't mention that anyone else has said anything about her ears. (The person saying 'elf ears' is the child.)

I’ve not mis read thanks, maybe you have though. She was recently part of a weddings bridal party and while getting ready made a number of comments about her “elf ears”. It’s the first time I’d ever heard her mention them and made me really sad.
That’s not positively. It’s also the first time the mother has heard her dd mention them, In reality, she has no idea how often she mentions them or how she actually feels about them. Children keep an awful lot to themselves.

I can understand your perspective on this and I'm sorry to hear you went through that, and as I say, I do recognise that there are horrible experiences (and, incidentally, that adults can do whatever they like to themselves). But the reality here is that this little girl had mentioned her ears on exactly one occasion and, according to the OP, nobody else has ever said a word to her about them.

The idea that her mother's only parenting move for an 8 year old tentatively commenting on a feature of her body for the first time is to suggest that 8 year old undergo general anaesthetic and cosmetic surgery is utterly bonkers and horrifying to me.

For all we know her little girl was testing the waters to see what her mother might think of her ears and instead of getting, "Elf?! Yes, I've always loved your ears; I suppose you could be a beautiful elvin princess! Oh look, I found some pictures of some beautiful women on the internet with similar ears," or similar, she is going to get, from her mother, "Yes, I can see why they'd bother you; let's get you under the knife".

If someone ever IS mean to her about an aspect of her appearance, she is going to have learned from her mother, not to truly believe within herself that she's lovely as she is and that everyone is different and those girls can shove their ridiculousness, but that the mean girls are correct that conformity should be enforced and the appropriate reaction is to submit to the surgeon's knife until she is acceptable to the lowest common denominator.

Sorry, I know I sound very strong on this but I just feel like I've wandered into the dystopian Upside Down and am struggling to process how the majority seem to think this is a sane thing to suggest to an 8 year old child!

I had the operation done 35 years ago and have never regretted it for a second. I was relentlessly bullied as a child (Big Ears & Noddy).
I had a huge bandage on my head for a few weeks, then I had to wear a bandage overnight for a further two weeks. I'm sure the recovery has improved since then and it was still worth it.

"She was recently part of a weddings bridal party and while getting ready made a number of comments about her “elf ears”. It’s the first time I’d ever heard her mention them"

I really don't think there is any world in which that can be read as expressing distress. The first time she's ever mentioned them and she "made comments" about "elf ears". She's 8 years old. She needs bolstering, self-confidence and strong, reliable, sensible guidance. She should be able to look to her parents for that, not a surgeon.

"Christ, If somebody else had said that to her I’d of flown off the handle"

For good measure, just demonstrating that no-one else has ever said anything to her about them either.

It is 100% cosmetic surgery. It is a surgical procedure, under a general anaesthetic, undertaken for no medical reason whatsoever, but merely to change someone's appearance. She is 8 years old. Quite apart from the dreadful message it sends her, all surgery and GAs comes with risks - some very serious - and I think it is appalling to expose a child to that risk for no better reason than thinking your child doesn't meet an arbitrary beauty standard you have made up your mind everyone subscribes to.

It made her mum sad, which indicates it wasn’t positive vibes. It was the first time her mum had heard her mention them, there’s a difference to being the first time she’d actually talked about them. It’s a surgical procedure that is offered, and always has been. The girl will unfortunately already be getting comments made at school. As shit as that is, it’s reality.

You are making a lot of baseless assumptions to justify this.

You have absolutely no reason to think she's made comments before out of her mum's hearing. You also have absolutely no reason to think she's had comments at school. In my experience, the first hint of that sort of thing is clamped down on much harder and quicker than it was when we were children.

Regardless, the go-to solution for prople being mean about you is NOT to go under the knife at the age of 8 years old. Jesus wept.

Yes, the 'surgical procedure' is cosmetic surgery, under general anaesthetic to alter your looks. And it's being suggested for an 8 year old. The reason you don't want to call it "cosmetic surgery" is not because that's not what it is, but because adults suggesting cosmetic surgery be performed on an 8 year old child so that they 'look better' sounds vile.

What next? Nose job for nine year olds?

My best friend had the op before high school and it was the best thing for her. NHS too.

Personally I would be really, really reluctant to get cosmetic / unnecessary surgery for myself or DC. Something could go wrong.

You made baseless assumptions first btw. I’ve not made baseless assumptions though. I’ve actually read posts.
This particular surgery has been offered since the dawn of time, I wonder why that is 🤔

YANBU. I think nearly every adult with this type of ears would say they wish they'd had them pinned as a child. I certainly do. I'm less self conscious as I get older but it really did make me feel like I could only ever wear my hair down until my late thirties, I would avoid events where it was expected you'd have an updo, I would be embarrassed showering with someone, and mine aren't 'that' bad. To be bad enough to consider surgery means they're pretty extreme I think. I see people with medium stick out ears all the time and love them, I think they're gorgeous. But past a certain point they can lead to a lifetime of insecurity. Do it.

Elves are either cute or beautiful/ethereal (e.g. Lord of the Rings). If you’re going to decide on your own that they aren’t, OK, but that’s not in line with popular culture. There’s at least a 50% chance that the child meant it postively, if not more.
If we’re going to write fan fiction about feelings the child may have or things that may have happened that the OP doesn’t know about, we can equally imagine that people have complimented her ears, why not.
I think many of the people who think bullying about protuding ears is inevitable are the people who would have picked on her themselves. Children are raised to be kinder these days. There’s a 9 year old in nappies in my daughter’s class, for example (complex medical issue) and they haven’t had to be told not to pick on her. It just hasn’t happened. At my school, it would have been the teachers making fun of her, nevermind the kids.
Exposing a child to the risks of a general anaesthetic and to pain just in case someone might pick on her is an overreaction. If the parents feel that they have an open and trusting relationship with the child and that she would tell them about being teased, or if they can ask her gently if anyone in class comments on how others look, they could easily wait until it becomes a problem.

Hi! I have ears that sound identical to your daughter's and as a child I was mildly embarrassed about them - mainly because my cousin (male) had his pinned back to stop teasing (I wasn't actively teased as they were just sort of sticking out through my hair). I didn't feel great about them and was pleased when my first born (girl) had ears that didn't stick out - BUT - when my second child was born with ears just like mine I suddenly saw them completely differently! They are super cute! As he grew older we bonded over our 'mouse-ears' and how they gave us great hearing and we even listened to a pod cast about how people seem to trust people more with sticky out ears - Barrack Obama was one of the case studies. My son loves his ears and I love mine too now and are glad they weren't pinned.

This is brilliant
It's all about love
Love yourself
Recieve love from your important people
We can then face the world with bravery

Life will be full of stuggles you can't solve anything with plastic surgery

I had this procedure done as a child. I was in the doctors with my mum for something different and the doctor suggested it to my mum. Unfortunately I had the operation, had to have anesthetic and stay in. I also had to wear a bandage over my ears for the whole 6 weeks holidays and it didnt actually make any difference. My ears are still the same, I've accepted that it's part of who I am, my two boys have inherited them from me also and I wouldn't change it

Of course it’s cosmetic surgery. It’s literally just surgery to change appearance, not for any medical reason. It’s a terrible, terrible thing to suggest to an 8yo.

I had full on jug handles through childhood - that and our noses are a proper family trait. I would have had them pinned back as well, but I found out what was involved in the surgery and decided to live with it (same with the orthodontist that wanted to remove four healthy teeth and give me a head brace for a year to remove a 1mm gap between my two front teeth).

I grew into my ears when I got my teenage growth spurts - didn’t even realise until my mum noticed one day that my hair completely hid them.

I think you need to be led by your daughter on this. I’d sit her down and talk to her about how you noticed her comments about them, ask how she feels about them, tell her you think they’re gorgeous but what matters is how she feels, how she will likely grow into them but she might not and what the surgery actually consists of, so she can make an informed choice. I was perfectly able to make that choice at her age and she can too.

Edited to add in a missing word

Action it. She’ll thank you in years to come!
I remember my cousin getting it done around 8yrs old and even now she says she’d wished her parents had actioned it before then.

I'd just do it while they're young when it's not such a big deal.

@Allthatshines1992 Because it exploded last week when she told a friend. She hasn’t been at school this week because of it. Next step is removing her from the school. Nice try though, keep spreading that love ❤️

I thought I would think YABU when I saw your title. But I really don't. My brother didn't have this done when he was a kid and wished his whole adult life he had - until he went ahead with it on his own and for his oldest, too.

Honestly, I think most parents in your shoes would feel exactly the same. You’re not being unreasonable at all to be thinking about it — it comes from wanting to protect her.
If it were me, I’d probably start by talking to her first. The “elf ears” comment might just have been a passing joke because she was dressed up for the wedding, or it could be a sign that she’s starting to notice and feel different. You won’t know unless you ask gently, without making it a big issue. Something like, “I heard you say that about your ears — do they ever bother you?” can keep it light and give her space to share.
If she does say she’s upset about them or if she starts getting teased, then I’d speak to the GP and see what the NHS says. Ear-pinning is a pretty straightforward procedure these days, but I’d only want to do it if it’s something she wants, not just because we’re worried about what might happen in the future.
If she’s not fussed, I’d leave it for now and focus on building her confidence. You can always revisit the idea later if it becomes a real source of distress.
So basically:

• You’re not wrong to be thinking about it.
• Try to let her feelings lead the decision.
• Reassure her she’s lovely as she is, whatever you decide.

That way you’re protecting both her self-esteem and her choice.

What do you mean nice try? The same thing happened to me when I was her age. Hopefully she manages to change Schools without the people at the new School asking where she used to go to School and then if they know anyone there asking after her

I don’t know how you gently ask someone how they feel about a part of their body without giving a clear signal that you have an issue with that part of their body. I remember my mum used to say unprompted reassuring things about a part of my body that I didn’t have an issue with and it bothered me as it was clear she thought I should have an issue with it. And no one ever did bully me or say anything negative to make me think about it, only her comments.

I really think it should only be approached if she directly asks about getting it done.

I had my daughter's ears pinned back when she was eight. It was 36 years ago so she was lucky enough to have it done on the NHS. I also got her braces for her teeth. Both were to protect her from unkind comments and to boost her confidence, as well, of course, to make her look even more beautiful. That last bit wasn't the main reason though - I didn't want her to suffer from other people's unkindness.