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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my child to have cosmetic surgery?

414 replies

Savethewhales1 · 01/10/2025 19:09

I have an 8 year old DD, her ears have always protruded quite significantly. Up until recently, shes never mentioned them, nobodies ever mentioned them to her. She was recently part of a weddings bridal party and while getting ready made a number of comments about her “elf ears”. It’s the first time I’d ever heard her mention them and made me really sad.

I’d like to solve this problem now, as I believe it will likely become an area of great insecurity for her in the future and avoid any teasing down the line (girls can be cruel). I also believe it may be available on the NHS while she’s a child. However, I don’t want to make her self conscious of her ears if she isn’t and cause the insecurity.

So, AIBU?
YANBU - get them pinned back
YABU - don’t risk making her insecure if she isn’t

OP posts:
RubySquid · 02/10/2025 06:44

Id have got it done as soon as I could've after birth. Why leave it and encourage nastiness when it could've been fixed as a baby

Readyforslippers · 02/10/2025 06:44

freakingscared · 02/10/2025 00:23

Because they are ! Are you blind ? Don’t you know something pretty and something ugly ? Big ears ate ugly ! Would I ever mention this to anyone with huge ears ? Absolutely not . But people are not blind , this girl clearly is aware of her ears c the same way I was aware I was shifter than most of my classmates ( As an example ) .

Show quote history

I think big ears or self ears can look great, they add a lot of character to a face. There are a lot of boringly similar plastic surgery created faces out there.

PilatesAndLattes · 02/10/2025 06:50

My daughter has elf ears, or what I have learned through this thread is called Stahl’s ear, and we are quite fond of them. Elves are always portrayed as the most beautiful in film etc and she has long hair to match. Since telling her this/showing her images of m quite proud of her ears I think.

Gettingbysomehow · 02/10/2025 07:07

If she was my child did get it done ASAP. It's such a simple procedure and makes such a difference.

Mumpud · 02/10/2025 07:34

Interestingly, it seems like almost all (or even all?) of the people on here who've had the procedure done, including me, are extremely glad that they did.

We can absolutely teach our kids about acceptance of others and how they look, but the unfortunate reality is that there are some horrible kids/people out there, who can make your life completely unbearable. It definitely affected my confidence, permanently, I was worn down and miserable every single day.

My children don't have ears that stick out, but if they did - and of course only if they wanted to - I would absolutely let them get the op. I wouldn't let them suffer what I did, just to prove a point.

Fridgetapas · 02/10/2025 07:54

METimezone · 02/10/2025 06:39

As a general comment, I'm also absolutely shocked by the number of people in this thread getting behind cosmetic surgery to an 8 year old, full stop, let alone one who has expressed no distress about any of her features and who has not had a bad word said to her about them by anyone else in her life.

Particularly given those circumstances (but in general anyway) what sort of message are we giving children when we say:

  1. In order to be acceptable to others, you must surgically alter yourself;
  2. This is a reasonable expectation in order to be treated with kindness and respect (even if there's currently no indication you wouldn't be anyway); and
  3. You are not robust enough to handle any unpleasantness from anyone, so must always take preemptive, defensive action to make sure that you do everything in your power to avoid the possibility of someone being nasty to you.

No wonder there's a mental health crisis.

Purely just curious - would you be against children having braces if their teeth were sticky out and crooked but did not impact them in any way in terms of eating etc so it would be done purely cosmetically? Or would you expect them to just accept them and embrace them?

Calliopespa · 02/10/2025 07:55

XenoBitch · 01/10/2025 23:47

You do not seem to see the harm in getting surgery to appease bullies.

Teach your kids to not bully their peers. It is simple as that/

Show quote history

This isn't making sense though.

The op's child is the one with the ears, not the one doing the bullying. She has no-one to teach in lieu of surgery. I'm sure she has already taught her dc not to bully.

What you are really meaning is the world needs to change - which it does. But it isn't going to do so while op's child is waiting for it to.

Thissickbeat · 02/10/2025 07:57

"If she says she's got elf ears again smile, kiss her and tell her they are very cute ears and you think she's beautiful. That is all you need to say."

jan If you had kids at school being bullied you'd soon realise that how ineffective and patronising that is. Kidd are nasty and secondary school is brutal.

allmymonkeys · 02/10/2025 09:05

The way your daughter referred to them sounded almost proud, actually, don't you think? "Elf ears" is endearing, and if she were anxious about them I'd have thought it more likely she would avoid saying anything.

If you can be confident that she's owning them and they're not bothering her, leave well alone. She sounds like a great kid.

Imbrocator · 02/10/2025 09:17

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/10/2025 21:15

Easy to say when you are not the child being pushed to the brink of suicide because of the bullying.

I can say "Fuck you" because I am an adult who literally doesnt give a shit what people thing. At 11 it almost destroyed me.

Show quote history

You are making assumptions about me, but I don’t think you’ve understood my point. If you’re not bullied for your ears, it will be something else. Bullies will find something about you and make you hate it, even if there’s nothing wrong with it. They want to get a reaction, so they’ll pick on anything. Cosmetic procedures are no protection from this.

Barnbrack · 02/10/2025 09:31

YourTaupeWriter · 01/10/2025 19:20

Lots of surgeries used to be performed on children. Tonsils and adenoids etc . Those days are gone. The NHS is stretched to breaking point. As others have stated above the OPs daughter probably wouldn't meet the criteria. Why take her to a GP appointment to duscuss it when the chances of referral are next to zero.

Show quote history

Tonsils are still done. My son had his to sils and adenoids out 2 years ago and it was life changing.

Walkingnotrunning1 · 02/10/2025 09:37

My child a growth disorder and was offered growth hormone . He really didn't want to do it I was really worried about this and concerned about bullying due to height difference and now delayed puberty.
It took me a while to realise that taking growth hormone had to be his choice and that I needed to accept that .
Obviously if there are health reasons then then the decision making is entirely changed.
He told me 'its okay to be different: Kids are taught that and I think as parents we need to back that up.

Sliceofbattenberg · 02/10/2025 09:48

Barnbrack · 02/10/2025 09:31

Tonsils are still done. My son had his to sils and adenoids out 2 years ago and it was life changing.

Show quote history

I think there is more watchful waiting with tonsils than there used to be. I am sure my son’s would have been taken out in the 80s but he was monitored instead and after 4 years the situation suddenly resolved after a growth spurt. (He did need an ambulance 4 times over these years because he couldn’t breathe, so I’m not very convinced it was the right approach, but it’s an approach.)

METimezone · 02/10/2025 11:23

Fridgetapas · 02/10/2025 07:54

Purely just curious - would you be against children having braces if their teeth were sticky out and crooked but did not impact them in any way in terms of eating etc so it would be done purely cosmetically? Or would you expect them to just accept them and embrace them?

Show quote history

If teeth are sticking out, it is likely to be a bite and jaw issue which can have all sorts of knock on health effects that are not immediately obvious, and significant crowding can at the least make it more likely that enamel will be eroded and/or teeth cannot be properly cleaned and all the issues that flow from that.

But to answer your question, if braces were suggested purely for cosmetic reasons where the teeth are perfectly healthy and functional as they are, yes, I would be against it on the same principle.

You don't introduce medical risk to a child's body for no good reason (albeit braces arguably carry fewer risks than an operation to 'pin' ears which, amongst other risks, generally involves general anaesthetic).

I can appreciate that sometimes a child has gone so far down a road of distress without successful sensible intervention and guidance that it may be the least worse option (and therefore reluctantly serves as the 'good reason'), but that is about as far as can be from the situation here.

I would be especially against it where - as well as a dentist having no health concerns - the child themselves has no issue with their teeth whatsoever and the push for intervention is coming purely from the mother's sense of aesthetics. I think that's a pretty appalling message for your child, and absolutely no excuse to subject a child to all the possible complications from an elective procedure.

Mumpud · 02/10/2025 11:47

Imbrocator · 02/10/2025 09:17

You are making assumptions about me, but I don’t think you’ve understood my point. If you’re not bullied for your ears, it will be something else. Bullies will find something about you and make you hate it, even if there’s nothing wrong with it. They want to get a reaction, so they’ll pick on anything. Cosmetic procedures are no protection from this.

Show quote history

I'm afraid in my case @imbrocator cosmetic surgery was exactly the protection from it.

Yes, they might pick on something else, but you're removing the glaringly obvious feature which is making the child stand out from everyone else, making them an easy target.

JDM625 · 02/10/2025 11:49

I'd gently bring it up in conversation how she feels about her ears and take it from there. She might unaware that treatment is available.

To want my child to have cosmetic surgery?
pambeesleyhalpert · 02/10/2025 12:09

I’ve always hated my ears and had them pinned back when I was 16 (NHS) I then had them repinnwd when I was 21 as the first time they actually bandaged them forward (which was horrificaly painful) so they re did them on the NHS again. I would say 8 is too young. It was honestly the mosg Painful thing ive ever had done and ive also had 2x caesareans. Try and get her confidence up and consider it when she’s abit older if she’s still unhappy

pambeesleyhalpert · 02/10/2025 12:09

What I will say is I don’t regret it at all because I hated my ears so much but I’m glad I made that decision abit older

BaritoneBetty · 02/10/2025 12:13

I got some teasing about my ears in childhood, which I didn't much enjoy, but I am another one who grew into them in early adulthood. They aren't perfectly flat against my head now, but they don't look out of the ordinary.

My cousin had them done when he was young because of excessive teasing and the surgery didn't take - they popped back out again. He and I are both perfectly functional adults.

I don't think it's necessarily a foregone conclusion that her life will be better if she has them done.

MaisyDayStooper · 02/10/2025 12:22

I had mine done as a teenager and we paid for my son to have his done at 11 years old. He wasn’t bullied but he did ask to have them pinned back and was very glad he had it done. His wasn’t painful (mine was!) and we timed his to coincide with half term so he wore a bandage for a week or so, with no further problems. Well worth it!

fortyfivepercent · 02/10/2025 12:40

Goodness, this thread has been a eye opener! I never realised people were looking and judging my sticky out ears so much, I just never saw them as a negative, and as I mentioned earlier I always took being compared to an Elf as a compliment, may be they were trying to bully me and I just didn't realise 😅.

Boomer55 · 02/10/2025 12:42

Savethewhales1 · 01/10/2025 19:09

I have an 8 year old DD, her ears have always protruded quite significantly. Up until recently, shes never mentioned them, nobodies ever mentioned them to her. She was recently part of a weddings bridal party and while getting ready made a number of comments about her “elf ears”. It’s the first time I’d ever heard her mention them and made me really sad.

I’d like to solve this problem now, as I believe it will likely become an area of great insecurity for her in the future and avoid any teasing down the line (girls can be cruel). I also believe it may be available on the NHS while she’s a child. However, I don’t want to make her self conscious of her ears if she isn’t and cause the insecurity.

So, AIBU?
YANBU - get them pinned back
YABU - don’t risk making her insecure if she isn’t

They used to offer it, to children, on the NHS.

But, you’d best check with your GP.

Almostwelsh · 02/10/2025 12:50

Mumpud · 02/10/2025 07:34

Interestingly, it seems like almost all (or even all?) of the people on here who've had the procedure done, including me, are extremely glad that they did.

We can absolutely teach our kids about acceptance of others and how they look, but the unfortunate reality is that there are some horrible kids/people out there, who can make your life completely unbearable. It definitely affected my confidence, permanently, I was worn down and miserable every single day.

My children don't have ears that stick out, but if they did - and of course only if they wanted to - I would absolutely let them get the op. I wouldn't let them suffer what I did, just to prove a point.

I'm not glad.
It didn't work and damaged one of my ears slightly.

Fridgetapas · 02/10/2025 13:32

METimezone · 02/10/2025 11:23

If teeth are sticking out, it is likely to be a bite and jaw issue which can have all sorts of knock on health effects that are not immediately obvious, and significant crowding can at the least make it more likely that enamel will be eroded and/or teeth cannot be properly cleaned and all the issues that flow from that.

But to answer your question, if braces were suggested purely for cosmetic reasons where the teeth are perfectly healthy and functional as they are, yes, I would be against it on the same principle.

You don't introduce medical risk to a child's body for no good reason (albeit braces arguably carry fewer risks than an operation to 'pin' ears which, amongst other risks, generally involves general anaesthetic).

I can appreciate that sometimes a child has gone so far down a road of distress without successful sensible intervention and guidance that it may be the least worse option (and therefore reluctantly serves as the 'good reason'), but that is about as far as can be from the situation here.

I would be especially against it where - as well as a dentist having no health concerns - the child themselves has no issue with their teeth whatsoever and the push for intervention is coming purely from the mother's sense of aesthetics. I think that's a pretty appalling message for your child, and absolutely no excuse to subject a child to all the possible complications from an elective procedure.

Show quote history

Fair enough thanks for replying. I still think if it was something really obvious I would just do it for my child as I’d just want to make their life as easy as possible. I know the horrible effect of bullying on my confidence and wouldn’t want the same for them. It shouldn’t be the way of the world. I totally agree we should all be embracing how we look but it’s sadly not a reality and people can be so cruel.

Change2banon · 02/10/2025 13:42

METimezone · 02/10/2025 06:39

As a general comment, I'm also absolutely shocked by the number of people in this thread getting behind cosmetic surgery to an 8 year old, full stop, let alone one who has expressed no distress about any of her features and who has not had a bad word said to her about them by anyone else in her life.

Particularly given those circumstances (but in general anyway) what sort of message are we giving children when we say:

  1. In order to be acceptable to others, you must surgically alter yourself;
  2. This is a reasonable expectation in order to be treated with kindness and respect (even if there's currently no indication you wouldn't be anyway); and
  3. You are not robust enough to handle any unpleasantness from anyone, so must always take preemptive, defensive action to make sure that you do everything in your power to avoid the possibility of someone being nasty to you.

No wonder there's a mental health crisis.

But she has though .. it’s says it there in the OP 🤷‍♀️
Pinning back ears is not exactly cosmetic surgery though is it? Not in the sense that it’s purely to enhance what is already there. Very different imo.