Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

417 replies

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 19:46

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

OP posts:
Jtfrtj · 30/09/2025 22:06

AutumnCosy2025 · 30/09/2025 22:04

I'd rather wave him off for 10 hours of travel & enjoy spending the day with my 4 year old. Let her have a 'yes' day (where she gets to choose what happens & you say 'yes' to everything that isn't dangerous!

if you've been working loads. Wouldn't a day just you & her be nice??

Edited
Show quote history

That last sentence is so condescending.

TheRealGoose · 30/09/2025 22:07

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:04

That’s not really the point is it? They are on a family holiday for only a week and he disappearing on a 10 hour trip to see a random acquaintance…

Show quote history

So what though?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 30/09/2025 22:09

Sorry I don't drive so not sure if this is the case but 10 hours driving in one day sounds really difficult, my partner is really tired after the 5 hour drive to the inlaws, I can't imagine us coming back the same day. I think if he goes it will be a two day trip, not one.

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:09

AutumnCosy2025 · 30/09/2025 22:06

But so what? It's one day.

Show quote history

Of a 6 day holiday…

That I’m guessing they’d saved up for to spend time together as a family.

Horsie · 30/09/2025 22:10

TheRealGoose · 30/09/2025 22:07

So what though?

Show quote history

Use your sense...it's not normal for one man to drive ten hours to see some random he met in a bar a few years ago, on a short family holiday. That's what. I hope I'm wrong, but all my spidey senses are tingling that these two men like to sleep together. I bet there'll be some reason why OP and her DD can't go, or why the two factions can't meet halfway.

OP, pretend that you want to go too and be really excited about it, and see what happens.

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:10

Agree 10 hours driving in one day is also insane. Nice way to spend a day of his holiday..travelling for 10 hours. Doesn’t make any sense.

LadyPiglet · 30/09/2025 22:11

I wouldn't agree to this. My DS was absolutely wild at 4 and looking after him alone was hard enough at the best of times, let alone on a beach/by a pool and when tired after a long stint at work. For 10 hours driving, how much time could your DH actually spend with L without it taking over 2 days, rather than 1? And wouldn't he be tired the next day? Having a day by yourself is hardly the solution - it means 2 days, out of a short holiday, not spent as a family which is presumably the point of the trip

Hollyhobbi · 30/09/2025 22:11

ErrolTheDragon · 30/09/2025 20:01

Are there really 4 yos who will get tire enough to sleep in the afternoon on holiday? Mine wouldn’t have for sure.

Show quote history

Mine did have siestas on holiday at that age. They were living like locals😉

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:11

They can come to you. Are you sure it's a man he wants to go and meet?

gamerchick · 30/09/2025 22:11

I dunno, that would earn a few husband points that and produce a happy relaxed husband. Not one feeling a smite resentful because mam said no. It's his holiday as well. Let him have it.

I would but then mine would do that for me. We vibe like that.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 22:11

I am amazed that anyone is really buying the "its only one day" bollocks, like it wont affect, at the very least, the day after due to his tiredness if he doesnt decide to stay over and make it two days.

Its her holiday too! Why the fuck does he get to arbitrarily decide to absent himself from it like this? All on the assumption that she will do everything alone that they had planned to do together just because speshul fwend happens to be on the same continent?!

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:13

Fringegirl1 · 30/09/2025 22:01

You’re being totally unreasonable- loads of single parents look after a 4 year old on their own

You're being totally unreasonable - read the post and comment on that including the ten hours driving on a one week holiday to meet up with an unknown man - not on a random scenario that has nothing to do with the situation.

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:13

I mean if he’s driving 5 hours there and back how much time is he actually spending with the random acquaintance? A few hours? Utter madness. Unless he’s staying overnight? Or getting back in the
middle of the night and then ruining another day of your week of holiday.

FrauPaige · 30/09/2025 22:15

The American may have reached out seeing that you were in the same European country not realising that you were at totally opposite ends a thousand kilometres away.

The real question @Clareat2021 is: now the realisation has set in, why is the American not doing the 10 hour round trip to you? He and his adult travelling partner can easily make an adventure out of the journey however your husband leaving to do that slog would be dramatically impactful on your planned family holiday.

Now that you are calm, collect your thoughts and ask the right questions.

I personally would be deeply uncomfortable with the suggestion of this impromptu change whatever the logistics, and would be disappointed that the excitement and anticipation I felt for going on this family holiday as a family wasn't mutual.

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:16

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 22:11

I am amazed that anyone is really buying the "its only one day" bollocks, like it wont affect, at the very least, the day after due to his tiredness if he doesnt decide to stay over and make it two days.

Its her holiday too! Why the fuck does he get to arbitrarily decide to absent himself from it like this? All on the assumption that she will do everything alone that they had planned to do together just because speshul fwend happens to be on the same continent?!

Right. it's one full day plus the morning after. And what if he decides just to stay over wherever he is meeting this "man". I bet he's just too tired to make his way back so quickly.

And yep, it is THEIR family holiday, not his lads break.

Anyway, the bottom line is she has said no and he should never have asked, and he needs to accept No with grace, or this won't end well.

sandyhappypeople · 30/09/2025 22:17

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 20:37

Yes I guess this is how I feel. It feels shit. And for all those saying it's just one day, it's one day of a short, expensive much needed, much longed for family holiday that now is incorporating a 10 hour trip to say a random fella.

Show quote history

it's one day of a short, expensive much needed, much longed for family holiday

I'm getting the impression that you are more in need of this holiday and are looking forward to is as family time much more than your DH is, he sounds like he is looking for things to do to break it up and pass the time. There's nothing wrong with that, but if it's true, you just have 2 different ideas of what your perfect holiday should be.

Personally I think you should be accepting of his idea without immediately shutting it down, you can say you don't like the idea without banning him from doing it (which seems controlling IMO). Maybe look into alternatives, or let him make the decision himself, but if him having a day out would make the rest of the holiday more enjoyable for both of you I don't really see the issue to be honest, it's only one day.

Dublassie · 30/09/2025 22:17

It's weird . There HAS to be some other agenda . Most men I know will barely stroll donw the road to meet good friends for a drink. Let alone drive 10 hours in a foreign country to meet a random acquaintance !!!

Blarn · 30/09/2025 22:18

We had a week in Italy over Easter, dh went hiking for a full day. It was fine. Took dds to the beach, had some lunch, went for a walk. Proved to them that mummy can read maps, thank you very much. Dh would be equally non-fussed if I wanted to do something on my own.

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:19

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 20:26

This is where MN gets wild.

Show quote history

But men do this sort of thing. And do you know for sure he's meeting a man?

Let's assume he's not going for sex then - his behaviour is still woefully selfish. He thinks he's entitled to behave as a single guy on a family holiday, making choices only for himself.

Tell him no. Flatly, no. If he argues you have a massive problem and - with absolutely no hyperbole - you need marriage counselling.

TheRealGoose · 30/09/2025 22:19

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:16

Right. it's one full day plus the morning after. And what if he decides just to stay over wherever he is meeting this "man". I bet he's just too tired to make his way back so quickly.

And yep, it is THEIR family holiday, not his lads break.

Anyway, the bottom line is she has said no and he should never have asked, and he needs to accept No with grace, or this won't end well.

Show quote history

She’s not his parent, he doesn’t need to ask permission and she says nO he does as his told. Did you misread it was her son or something?

married people discuss, compromise, agree. They don’t ask permission like asking mummy.

CelestialGazer · 30/09/2025 22:20

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 19:55

It's 10 hours of travelling there and back.

Show quote history

I was in the YABU camp until I read this. A 10 hour return trip is an insane amount of time to meet someone who is “nearby” and who is just an acquaintance.

SpencerGarciaGideon · 30/09/2025 22:21

Im with you OP. Absolutely no way would my DH be off on his own on a family holiday. I certainly wouldn't go anywhere on my own either. I'd be far too worried about him. Sorry to everyone who thinks it's dramatic or whatever but I wouldn't want it either.

LadyPiglet · 30/09/2025 22:21

TheRealGoose · 30/09/2025 22:19

She’s not his parent, he doesn’t need to ask permission and she says nO he does as his told. Did you misread it was her son or something?

married people discuss, compromise, agree. They don’t ask permission like asking mummy.

Show quote history

He kinda does need permission though. Because leaving your wife alone witha 4 year old for one day of a six day holiday, at some cost, when that wasn't the agreed plan and she's tired anyway, is seriously selfish

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:21

TheRealGoose · 30/09/2025 22:19

She’s not his parent, he doesn’t need to ask permission and she says nO he does as his told. Did you misread it was her son or something?

married people discuss, compromise, agree. They don’t ask permission like asking mummy.

Show quote history

Correct, they discuss, and she does not need permission to enjoy her holiday and not be lumbered with all the childcare. Daddy doesn't get to say "I'm in charge" and just fuck off to meet randoms on a family holiday or arbitrarily decide that the other parent will be left to mind the child for a whole day and the morning after on a one week holiday.

Did you misread and imagine he's in charge of OP and forget he was a married father with responsibilities or something?

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 30/09/2025 22:22

If you trust he’s going where he says he’s going, YABU.

If there’s something else possibly going on and that’s what’s actually bothering you, YANBU.

Personally I wouldn’t force myself to drag a toddler along such a long day without being invited (plus they’ll be wanting to catch up and there will be a child there to be fussing over), but to each their own. I’d make sure to book my own relaxing day once he’s back, though. That way each of you gets a “me” day.