Page 8 | DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

Clareat2021 · 2025-09-30T18:46:11+00:00

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday. Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long. I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done. I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

fashionqueen0123 · 30/09/2025 21:48

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 21:37

L is definitely there with his female partner, we are friends on social media and I've liked and commented on pics (they are there now). I suspect it's along the lines of oh wow we're in the same country, except the country is massive and would be a 500mile trip. My DH is someone who makes lots of effort with friends, he would see it as an adventure, he's not through the actual logistics.

Now I've calmed down a bit, I will see if we can compromise, either we all go and make it an overnight trip which incorporates a lunch with friends or they come to us/meet nearer. That said it doesn't feel like what we talked about as a holiday or aligned with a 4yo but I get it's an opportunity to meet someone we wouldn't ordinarily see.

Thanks all for your insights despite some people believing I just want validation, I have benefitted from hearing all sides X

Your DH should just tell him to come to you as you have a 4 year old. Seems the easiest solution.
I mean 5 hours is ages away. May as well fly to the US would only be a couple more!

Treeseys · 30/09/2025 21:48

I wouldn't be impressed either OP.
10 hours to meet someone he barely knows strikes me as a bit desperate, when he is on holiday with his wife and child.
Some men are like that however.
Yanbu.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/09/2025 21:49

10 hours travelling doesn’t sound like the same region to me at all! It’s a really long way (5 hours from where you are).

Doesn’t make sense to me.

Could the friend not come to where you are and spend a night?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/09/2025 21:49

I did vote YABU, but after updates, I can see why you're annoyed. 500 mile / 10 hours round trip. He'll be gone the WHOLE day and into the evening. As L is American, yeah, you guys will be "nearby", but not for those of us in the UK. I think it should be suggested to L, as they are already there too, if they could come over to the area you're in instead. That way, your DH will get more time with them too, and not as much time away from you & DD.

But while he's gone, I'd try to have a chill day with DD by the pool, walks on the beach, sandcastles, ice cream, playpark etc.

Then after you get back home, book yourself a day out somewhere nice on your own, while he has DD.

TheGlitterFairy · 30/09/2025 21:50

I’m with you OP. 5hrs each way for a random
is ridiculous. Hardly like he’s in the next town and you can pop over for a spot of lunch. Perhaps the random friend can travel to where you are and see your DH. Be interesting to see how open he is to that and whether he views your DH as the good friend DH believes him to be.

QuietlyRebelling · 30/09/2025 21:50

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 20:37

Yes I guess this is how I feel. It feels shit. And for all those saying it's just one day, it's one day of a short, expensive much needed, much longed for family holiday that now is incorporating a 10 hour trip to say a random fella.

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100% with you. Ten hours is bizarre- in Europe that will get him out of the country in most places? Perhaps if they were an hour or two away but as it stands, he’s likely to be gone for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Everyone here has assumed you’re in a luxury hotel with kids clubs - that may not be the case- but either way after it seems like the child free couple have much greater capacity to travel to where you are. And with all that extra travel out of the way it might be easier for DH to disappear for half a day. Shame you and dd didn’t get an invite though.

KoalaKoKo · 30/09/2025 21:52

Yeah I am with you, I would be raging! Holidays always feel so short and it is actually a lot of hard work - my 4 year old never stops moving!

Everyonceinawhile · 30/09/2025 21:53

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 21:37

L is definitely there with his female partner, we are friends on social media and I've liked and commented on pics (they are there now). I suspect it's along the lines of oh wow we're in the same country, except the country is massive and would be a 500mile trip. My DH is someone who makes lots of effort with friends, he would see it as an adventure, he's not through the actual logistics.

Now I've calmed down a bit, I will see if we can compromise, either we all go and make it an overnight trip which incorporates a lunch with friends or they come to us/meet nearer. That said it doesn't feel like what we talked about as a holiday or aligned with a 4yo but I get it's an opportunity to meet someone we wouldn't ordinarily see.

Thanks all for your insights despite some people believing I just want validation, I have benefitted from hearing all sides X

Meet half way for lunch, that would take 5hrs off the journey

KiwiFall · 30/09/2025 21:55

although it seems to me madness that he would want to go all that way for such a short time. Yes I would be a little annoyed but it’s unreasonable to forbid him to go. Also being in a bad mood and wasting the rest of the holiday is madness? I would take the opportunity to do something just you and your DD that maybe your DH wouldn’t want to do. Whether that’s by the pool doing nothing, shopping, or whatever. Plus he then owes you a day entirely to yourself again to do whatever you want to do. Whether now on holiday or when you get home.

Jtfrtj · 30/09/2025 21:56

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 21:37

L is definitely there with his female partner, we are friends on social media and I've liked and commented on pics (they are there now). I suspect it's along the lines of oh wow we're in the same country, except the country is massive and would be a 500mile trip. My DH is someone who makes lots of effort with friends, he would see it as an adventure, he's not through the actual logistics.

Now I've calmed down a bit, I will see if we can compromise, either we all go and make it an overnight trip which incorporates a lunch with friends or they come to us/meet nearer. That said it doesn't feel like what we talked about as a holiday or aligned with a 4yo but I get it's an opportunity to meet someone we wouldn't ordinarily see.

Thanks all for your insights despite some people believing I just want validation, I have benefitted from hearing all sides X

Glad you’ve feeling better now OP, but I think the fact that he’s not proactively coming to you with a reasonable compromise is the biggest issue. You shouldn’t have to try to convince him to include you.

It sounds like he’d prefer you weren’t there.

Delatron · 30/09/2025 21:56

Gosh I’m with you OP. 10 hours travelling in one day to see a mate he met travelling? When you’re only there for a week. Ridiculous.

And no, dragging a 4 year old on a 10 hour round trip isn’t a good idea either. What a way to ruin a holiday.

Utterly bizarre- it’s such a short holiday. 5 hours is not close!

I’d be pissed off too. Holidays and family time are precious, expensive and rare. This doesn’t sound worth it at all.

Mumsnet is very strange sometimes..

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 21:59

There is that joke ..... "In America you drive for 6 hours and are still in the same state, in the Europe you drive for 6 hours, show your passport 5 times and and hear 10 different languages".

Howwilliknow122 · 30/09/2025 22:00

Lanzarotelady · 30/09/2025 19:59

Oh for goodness sake - stop being dramatic.

You said you were tired from a long stint at work. Tire DD out in the morning, get her to sleep then have a sleep yourself.

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Oh for goodness sake - stop being dramatic

Says the poster who sounds dramatic themselves. All op did was say why should she have to, that's hardly the definition of dramatic 🙄

Fringegirl1 · 30/09/2025 22:01

You’re being totally unreasonable- loads of single parents look after a 4 year old on their own

Horsie · 30/09/2025 22:01

He seems very keen to spend time with this random man who he met on holiday once. That's not usually male behaviour. Their friendships are more likely to revolve around proximity and ease. Are you sure there's not more to it than just friendship? I think it's odd to want to take time out from a family holiday for this acquaintance, and also a bit too convenient that he's American yet JUST HAPPENS to be in Europe at your holiday destination, right when you're all going to be there. And you're not invited to go along. Do you have proof that he's there with a partner?

ETA: He wants to do a TEN-HOUR DRIVE to see this man? Oh, hell to the no. That is totally not normal on a one-week family holiday.

If it's all innocent, there is no reason whatsoever why the man and his partner can't meet you and your family at a halfway point.

If you can't be included in the plans, I'd be extremely suspicious.

Jtfrtj · 30/09/2025 22:03

Fringegirl1 · 30/09/2025 22:01

You’re being totally unreasonable- loads of single parents look after a 4 year old on their own

She’s not a single parent. Just because she can doesn’t mean she should have to.

GabriellaMontez · 30/09/2025 22:03

Id have no problem with my partner arranging a long distance meet up with a friend.

Unless it took an entire day out of a short family holiday. Then id be thoroughly fucked off.

Id also like to know why the guy can't come to you. Or all meet in the middle.

SleepyLemur · 30/09/2025 22:04

Every relationships is different and there could be other factors at play. However if it were my DH I would actively encourage him to see his friend, as they hardly ever get to meet up. Then I could have a lovely day with my 4 year old whilst they met up. Would also want to have a child free day or part day to myself too though. Then 4 or so days for family things.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 22:04

I think that the best way is that the "mate" is asked to come to you rather than the other way around. As others have said, a childfree couple have far more scope to do that.

If the answer is no, then clearly L is not actually that bothered about seeing him
if involves any effort on L's part.

Who has made the effort in the past when they have met up?

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:04

Fringegirl1 · 30/09/2025 22:01

You’re being totally unreasonable- loads of single parents look after a 4 year old on their own

That’s not really the point is it? They are on a family holiday for only a week and he disappearing on a 10 hour trip to see a random acquaintance…

AutumnCosy2025 · 30/09/2025 22:04

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 21:37

L is definitely there with his female partner, we are friends on social media and I've liked and commented on pics (they are there now). I suspect it's along the lines of oh wow we're in the same country, except the country is massive and would be a 500mile trip. My DH is someone who makes lots of effort with friends, he would see it as an adventure, he's not through the actual logistics.

Now I've calmed down a bit, I will see if we can compromise, either we all go and make it an overnight trip which incorporates a lunch with friends or they come to us/meet nearer. That said it doesn't feel like what we talked about as a holiday or aligned with a 4yo but I get it's an opportunity to meet someone we wouldn't ordinarily see.

Thanks all for your insights despite some people believing I just want validation, I have benefitted from hearing all sides X

I'd rather wave him off for 10 hours of travel & enjoy spending the day with my 4 year old. Let her have a 'yes' day (where she gets to choose what happens & you say 'yes' to everything that isn't dangerous!

if you've been working loads. Wouldn't a day just you & her be nice??

Trainsandshuttlecocks · 30/09/2025 22:04

oviraptor21 · 30/09/2025 21:21

This. It's unsafe.

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You obviously haven't traveled in Australia (or any other country with big distances) then. So long as they break every couple of hours, all good

GabriellaMontez · 30/09/2025 22:05

Fringegirl1 · 30/09/2025 22:01

You’re being totally unreasonable- loads of single parents look after a 4 year old on their own

Op is perfectly capable of looking after a 4 year old.

AutumnCosy2025 · 30/09/2025 22:06

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:04

That’s not really the point is it? They are on a family holiday for only a week and he disappearing on a 10 hour trip to see a random acquaintance…

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But so what? It's one day.

TheRealGoose · 30/09/2025 22:06

Personally I’d not have an issue with a day with my daughter and I’d still do whatever I planned. I can’t get my head round driving five hours to meet this dude though and why they can’t meet half way. And I also can’t understand why you’d want to go with, packing up stuff for the night, travelling etc.. Just spend the day doing whatever with your daughter, do your boat trip,lounge, sightsee whatever, it’s one day.