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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

417 replies

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 19:46

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

OP posts:
reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 30/09/2025 22:23

SpencerGarciaGideon · 30/09/2025 22:21

Im with you OP. Absolutely no way would my DH be off on his own on a family holiday. I certainly wouldn't go anywhere on my own either. I'd be far too worried about him. Sorry to everyone who thinks it's dramatic or whatever but I wouldn't want it either.

Worried about what though?

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:23

Blarn · 30/09/2025 22:18

We had a week in Italy over Easter, dh went hiking for a full day. It was fine. Took dds to the beach, had some lunch, went for a walk. Proved to them that mummy can read maps, thank you very much. Dh would be equally non-fussed if I wanted to do something on my own.

Edited

And we often do separate things on holiday. For example DH may go off and play golf. However, if he said he was going to spend 10 hours travelling to meet an acquaintance then that would ring alarm bells. As it’s such an effort and would definitely take up more than one day….and 10 hours driving isn’t as much fun as hiking or golf…so it’s bizarre all round.

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:24

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 30/09/2025 22:22

If you trust he’s going where he says he’s going, YABU.

If there’s something else possibly going on and that’s what’s actually bothering you, YANBU.

Personally I wouldn’t force myself to drag a toddler along such a long day without being invited (plus they’ll be wanting to catch up and there will be a child there to be fussing over), but to each their own. I’d make sure to book my own relaxing day once he’s back, though. That way each of you gets a “me” day.

Nope, 10 hours - a whole day - stripped from a 7 day family holiday so daddy gets to pretend he's a single man with no childcare responsbilities on OP and child's holiday (not just his holiday) is unacceptable, no matter what he's doing.

He can ask, and must accept a no with grace, or this will bite him them all in the arse.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 22:25

Dublassie · 30/09/2025 22:17

It's weird . There HAS to be some other agenda . Most men I know will barely stroll donw the road to meet good friends for a drink. Let alone drive 10 hours in a foreign country to meet a random acquaintance !!!

I know someone who would absolutely do this. My cousin who once flew from the middle east to Aus for a weekend....I kid you not.

Luckily his wife is as much a traveller as he is and they dont have kids. And that I think is the crucial point. Not having kids makes the difference, you can do shit like that (and it sounds like OP and her husband did) but when you have children you cant just drop everything and go across a foreign country to meet a mate.

A lot of people saying that there must be an agenda (many suggesting cheating, gay or otherwise) but I dont buy it. I think he has got the whiff of his old life pre kids and wants to just drop everything like he used to and feel young and free again.

He needs to cop on to the reality of having a family, you just cant do that shit anymore.

SpencerGarciaGideon · 30/09/2025 22:25

reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 30/09/2025 22:23

Worried about what though?

Show quote history

That he would be robbed or get lost or anything that can happen to people when they are travelling in a foreign country on their own. I'm a worrier right enough.

Praying4Peace · 30/09/2025 22:26

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 19:53

So usually we would do a day trip like boat trip somewhere and one other day travelling to another area. Other days we tend to split between beach, pool, exploring the local area.

I guess we could all go (although that's not what was proposed) it's a huge amount of travelling for one day, which is probably beyond my DD's tolerance.

I don't really want time to myself as such, I want us to spend time together as a family.

To me, L is an acquaintance and not someone I would sacrifice a whole day of my holiday for.

Show quote history

One day out of seven
YABU
Let your husband enjoy his time with his friend.
Enjoy your time with your daughter

Horsie · 30/09/2025 22:27

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 22:25

I know someone who would absolutely do this. My cousin who once flew from the middle east to Aus for a weekend....I kid you not.

Luckily his wife is as much a traveller as he is and they dont have kids. And that I think is the crucial point. Not having kids makes the difference, you can do shit like that (and it sounds like OP and her husband did) but when you have children you cant just drop everything and go across a foreign country to meet a mate.

A lot of people saying that there must be an agenda (many suggesting cheating, gay or otherwise) but I dont buy it. I think he has got the whiff of his old life pre kids and wants to just drop everything like he used to and feel young and free again.

He needs to cop on to the reality of having a family, you just cant do that shit anymore.

Show quote history

The trip you mention is utterly crazy. Imagine wasting all that money, too. I wouldn't want to be with someone that silly. But still, at least they could sleep. It's not the same as ten hours of driving in one day.

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:28

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 22:25

I know someone who would absolutely do this. My cousin who once flew from the middle east to Aus for a weekend....I kid you not.

Luckily his wife is as much a traveller as he is and they dont have kids. And that I think is the crucial point. Not having kids makes the difference, you can do shit like that (and it sounds like OP and her husband did) but when you have children you cant just drop everything and go across a foreign country to meet a mate.

A lot of people saying that there must be an agenda (many suggesting cheating, gay or otherwise) but I dont buy it. I think he has got the whiff of his old life pre kids and wants to just drop everything like he used to and feel young and free again.

He needs to cop on to the reality of having a family, you just cant do that shit anymore.

Show quote history

If he had even realised what an enormous favour he was asking - if he'd asked nicely and then promised OP she could have a whole day to herself pampering herself when they got home or something, it would have been ok.

What gets me is his entitlement. He actually thinks dumping his wife and kid for a whole day in a foreign country on a one week holiday is his right and is throwing a little shit fit and pretending her thinks OP is selfish for not wanting to be ditched on a family holiday - the gaslighting prick.

Horsie · 30/09/2025 22:29

Wait. Of course the DH isn't going to drive for five hours, socialise with this man, and then drive five hours back. In the moment, he's going to come up with an excuse why he has to stay with him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 22:30

Horsie · 30/09/2025 22:27

The trip you mention is utterly crazy. Imagine wasting all that money, too. I wouldn't want to be with someone that silly. But still, at least they could sleep. It's not the same as ten hours of driving in one day.

Show quote history

I know it blew my mind too. We are very close and I called him a bellend, he called me uptight! He earns MEGA money, you will not be surprised to learn.

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:30

Horsie · 30/09/2025 22:29

Wait. Of course the DH isn't going to drive for five hours, socialise with this man, and then drive five hours back. In the moment, he's going to come up with an excuse why he has to stay with him.

Edited

Well exactly. Who’s going to drive for 10 hours in one day? There’s no time for anything else. And it’s exhausting..

ChilledBeez · 30/09/2025 22:30

Clareat2021 · 30/09/2025 19:46

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

It sounds so odd to me. Can't understand how any wife would be happy that their husband flits off on a 10 hour journey to see someone he met on holiday. Surely if everything is above board the couple could come to where you are as you have a small child. The fact your husband hasn't facilitated this would cause me to be pissed off too. Had it been a 2 week holiday fair enough but not a measly one week holiday.

FrangipaniBlue · 30/09/2025 22:31

10 hours of driving just meet up with someone he has met TWICE ?

that would be a hard no from me, I’m pretty easy going!

The responses on this thread have surprised me tbh.

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:31

Horsie · 30/09/2025 22:29

Wait. Of course the DH isn't going to drive for five hours, socialise with this man, and then drive five hours back. In the moment, he's going to come up with an excuse why he has to stay with him.

Edited

Oh, absolutely. There will be drinking and partying and then it will be just too late, not sober enough to drive, and then it will be the end of the second day that he gets back, if that.

OP has now said she's going to drag her kid across country with her gaslighting wank of a husband, so I guess that's that.

And by gaslighting, I'm referring to him pretending he thinks she's being selfish by not wanting an entire day of family time taken away from her arbitrarily and being left in a foreign country to do all the child care while he wanders off to do as he likes.

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:32

Even meeting half way would be a compromise. Since you have a child and they don’t. It’s all so bizarre that your DH does the 10 hour round trip to see the random acquaintance. Yet acquaintance is not willing to travel at all. That doesn’t make any sense…

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 22:32

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:28

If he had even realised what an enormous favour he was asking - if he'd asked nicely and then promised OP she could have a whole day to herself pampering herself when they got home or something, it would have been ok.

What gets me is his entitlement. He actually thinks dumping his wife and kid for a whole day in a foreign country on a one week holiday is his right and is throwing a little shit fit and pretending her thinks OP is selfish for not wanting to be ditched on a family holiday - the gaslighting prick.

Show quote history

I know!! And people saying "he doesnt need her permission" well technically no. But he DOES need her agreement to do his half of the parenting of their child while he fucks off for minimum one day and however long it takes him to surface the day after!

I wonder what his reaction would be if OP said "OK darling, thats fine! I am sure that DD will love a road trip with Daddy!"

rainbowstardrops · 30/09/2025 22:33

Why did your DH say he wanted to meet up with L and not suggest a scenario where you’d meet up with him too?
It makes far more sense for L to either come to you, or you meet half way. By the time your DH had driven 5 hours, he’d have time for a quick lunch and then he’d be back on the road again. Madness.

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:33

ChilledBeez · 30/09/2025 22:30

It sounds so odd to me. Can't understand how any wife would be happy that their husband flits off on a 10 hour journey to see someone he met on holiday. Surely if everything is above board the couple could come to where you are as you have a small child. The fact your husband hasn't facilitated this would cause me to be pissed off too. Had it been a 2 week holiday fair enough but not a measly one week holiday.

Show quote history

Right. Why can't this "man" come to them? It is all very odd indeed.

Dozer · 30/09/2025 22:34

10 hours travel, DH doing all of the travel, costly, taking time and energy and disrupting the holiday. For a friend he made on a past holiday. Selfish. Especially since you and DH now rarely go away together.

Posts telling the OP what parenting OP’s small DD on holiday will or should be like are annoying.

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:34

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2025 22:32

I know!! And people saying "he doesnt need her permission" well technically no. But he DOES need her agreement to do his half of the parenting of their child while he fucks off for minimum one day and however long it takes him to surface the day after!

I wonder what his reaction would be if OP said "OK darling, thats fine! I am sure that DD will love a road trip with Daddy!"

Show quote history

Yep, actually he does need her permission to piss off and leave his kid. It's called parental responsibility and if she does not agree to sole parenting on her holiday, - since that was never the agreement - what then?

Horsie · 30/09/2025 22:35

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:28

If he had even realised what an enormous favour he was asking - if he'd asked nicely and then promised OP she could have a whole day to herself pampering herself when they got home or something, it would have been ok.

What gets me is his entitlement. He actually thinks dumping his wife and kid for a whole day in a foreign country on a one week holiday is his right and is throwing a little shit fit and pretending her thinks OP is selfish for not wanting to be ditched on a family holiday - the gaslighting prick.

Show quote history

I agree. Even if this man that he must drive ten hours to see is just a friend, this behaviour is not on. You have seven precious days and it's meant to be a family holiday. I would be so disappointed if I were the OP. She doesn't know this man, and neither does her husband really, and he wants to prioritise him when they have such a short time away. I wouldn't understand why her DH would want to do it either. His wife and child should come first on holiday, not some random man. They should be his priority, and just the fact that his wife doesn't want their family time so interrupted for this man should be enough for him to say he can't make it. Because it's not going to affect just one day, the DH will be really tired the next day, and when it comes to it, he'll probably be too tired to drive back and stay he'll stay over anyway.

The whole thing is completely inappropriate/ The DH needs reminding who's important in his life.

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:36

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:31

Oh, absolutely. There will be drinking and partying and then it will be just too late, not sober enough to drive, and then it will be the end of the second day that he gets back, if that.

OP has now said she's going to drag her kid across country with her gaslighting wank of a husband, so I guess that's that.

And by gaslighting, I'm referring to him pretending he thinks she's being selfish by not wanting an entire day of family time taken away from her arbitrarily and being left in a foreign country to do all the child care while he wanders off to do as he likes.

Edited
Show quote history

I agree. And she’s been encouraged to do so by posters on here. So now she’s thinks she’s in the wrong…thanks to Mumsnet she’ll be dragging a 4 year old on a 10 hour round trip to see DH’s acquaintance (who wouldn’t even meet them half way). What fun for everyone on their expensive holiday. Such a great idea with a 4 year old…

Dozer · 30/09/2025 22:37

Friend/acquaintance man (and his partner) are clearly not as into DH as DH is into him!

FFS don’t go with him and take DD!

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 22:38

Delatron · 30/09/2025 22:36

I agree. And she’s been encouraged to do so by posters on here. So now she’s thinks she’s in the wrong…thanks to Mumsnet she’ll be dragging a 4 year old on a 10 hour round trip to see DH’s acquaintance (who wouldn’t even meet them half way). What fun for everyone on their expensive holiday. Such a great idea with a 4 year old…

Show quote history

I do feel sorry for the child. What a horrible day out for them when they could have been sightseeing and playing at the beach with mummy and daddy. Jammed in a car for a whole day so their selfish dad can pretend he's young again.

Horsie · 30/09/2025 22:38

FrangipaniBlue · 30/09/2025 22:31

10 hours of driving just meet up with someone he has met TWICE ?

that would be a hard no from me, I’m pretty easy going!

The responses on this thread have surprised me tbh.

The responses you mention are born of naivete. A surprising amount of men count themselves as straight but still would have sex with a man if they had the opportunity.