DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

[Clareat2021]

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

L will be with his partner, so I think your scenario unlikely.

However, I do think it will suddenly become an over night when a) he realises how long the drive actually is, and b) he wants to get pissed with his mate.

I've met up with friends on week long holidays a few times before, admittedly not a 10 hour round trip though. I don't see the problem, it's one day.

I’d be cross too. To me a family holiday is that; if it were nearer, and he could go for half a day, or it would be fun for us all to meet up, then that’s different. A ten hour drive taking him out from early morning to late evening, leaving me to solo parent on a family holiday? No no. I’d rather he just went away for the weekend another time instead - that would be fine - but I wouldn’t organise my holiday round this. I get why you’re so annoyed, OP.

YANBU. Just because you are going to be in the same country as 'L' doesn't mean your DH has to go and see him. I would be inviting them to come and join you for dinner or lunch but if they can't make the trip to you why should your DH make the long trip to see them?
I'm with you OP - my holidays are absolutely sacred and were even more so when my DC were younger and I worked full time. It's not just your DH going to see this guy it's the fact that he's happy to miss an entire day without you and your DD. I'd be kicking up a fuss too.

Last point is really, really true.

I got chatting to a Latvian woman at a bar at a festival in Spain one summer when I was 26. We became FB friends and occasionally commented on each other's posts but firmly in acquaintance territory. Fifteen years later DP and I went to Latvia - both of us had long stopped using FB regularly - and I thought of Irina, messaged her and she took us out for a wonderful meal.

I've had variants of that story travelling all over the world. Acquaintances in different countries unlock a lot of good things.

I would 100% contort a holiday I was on to meet up with someone I wouldn't otherwise get to see again for years, if not decades. Passing up such a rare chance in favour of non-specific "chilling out" is batshit to me. I've specifically added destinations to itineraries just because I know someone who lives there. I think these human connections are really important and take precedence over "our little family time" which is surely your default every night of the week anyway.

I do question the detail of 10 hours driving time, because that doesn't fit with the other guy travelling in the same area. That's nowhere near the same area. If public transport exists, does it suddenly become a much more acceptable journey?

OP I’d do some snooping if you can and see if they speak about him stopping overnight (before the cool wives come at me, yes I would one hundred percent do this and I don’t care. If he wants to take the piss, then so can I 🙂)

He is an idiot for wanting to travel 10ths in one day to meet someone he barely knows….I wouldn’t even travel that amount of time in one day to meet a lifelong friend if I was on holiday….I’d just make an excuse….is he some kind of extreme people pleaser that he can’t say no to them?

To be honest I do see both sides to this. But I think overall, him spending a whole day out of a week holiday to meet some random is odd. Most people would be happy their acquaintances are in the same country, but would conclude “next time” once they realised the distance renders it unrealistic to see each other. Can the random meet half way at least, as that would cut his travel time down by 5 hours?

I am very curious as to why your husband wants to see this guy so badly though, it makes me think something exciting is happening like a threesome or prostitution or something along those lines. He’s obviously going to be getting something out of this, to even want to undertake a 10 hour drive.

Same. I know some people see it as an invasion of privacy. I see it as making sure I’m not stuck in a relationship where I am being used and wasting my life. Too many women have spent years trusting and nurturing only to have their worlds collapse when they’re aged and have no semblance of independence.

It would be a no from me. We get so little holiday time together when they’re young because annual leave gets sucked up covering for sickness / school holidays etc… a 1 week holiday isn’t much, he can see his friends another time. Unless you both work for yourselves or have several holidays a year, YANBU

Eta… holidays abroad cost £££ too. So look at the cost per day, if you spent £3.5k for example then that is £500 a day. And he wants to use one to catch up with an old mate.

I would feel really uncomfortable about this. I would be worrying about why DH would want to spend a whole day slepping across the country to see some bloke rather than hang out with family. It makes it seem as though he really would rather be almost anywhere else.

People are saying that OP can demand a day off too, but she doesn't want a day off, she wants a day with her DH.

I totally get what she means.

OP - maybe you could say to your DH that you were really looking forward to spending the whole holiday with him and that you enjoy his company, and see how that goes down?

L is definitely there with his female partner, we are friends on social media and I've liked and commented on pics (they are there now). I suspect it's along the lines of oh wow we're in the same country, except the country is massive and would be a 500mile trip. My DH is someone who makes lots of effort with friends, he would see it as an adventure, he's not through the actual logistics.

Now I've calmed down a bit, I will see if we can compromise, either we all go and make it an overnight trip which incorporates a lunch with friends or they come to us/meet nearer. That said it doesn't feel like what we talked about as a holiday or aligned with a 4yo but I get it's an opportunity to meet someone we wouldn't ordinarily see.

Thanks all for your insights despite some people believing I just want validation, I have benefitted from hearing all sides X

I agree that these are divisive terms which put women into reductive categories, setting them up in opposition to one another while ignoring nuance and shutting down debate. Which is exactly how patriarchy functions. I, like the OP, don’t think this is a brilliant plan but I also don’t think that anyone who disagrees with me is a ‘handmaiden’.

I wouldn’t like it. 10 hours of travel prob means two days gone in reality - or worrying if he’s being safe while travelling. It’s odd for someone he doesn’t know what well. An hour out of the way, sure, but five?

I'm glad someone gets it.

I'm off to meet an acquaintance friend this weekend. She's in the UK on holiday. I'm travelling four hours to see her.

We popped in to see her in Italy last year. She took us to a local restaurant and we had the most amazing hospitality. It's an experience we wouldn't otherwise have.

There are some things you just can't buy.

I'd insist on going with him. You have also met L in the past. I know daughter will be tired, but she will be ok. L's partner will be around, so why not you? Get a cheap hotel/BnB for the night and enjoy each others company all together. Suggest that.

Honestly do it. This is an opportunity not your family holiday being ruined.

Hear Hear 👏👏

Agree completely. Why do people put so much emphasis on the respect of privacy, when most of these men don’t know the meaning of respect. This man is taking the piss leaving her with their child in a foreign country for all that time. If I’m sharing my body/best years of my life with a man who’s not acting questionably, I’m entitled to truth and full transparency.

Um isn't the solution to this to maintain your sense of independence rather than snoop, though.

Your post makes no sense.

It’s hard to do that when you’re left holding the baby - like the OP.

No, I just think it’s fundamentally anti-feminist to automatically assume that any women who aren’t bothered by something that bothers you are somehow motivated by wanting to please men, rather than simply assuming that they’re women who know their own minds.

I'm with you OP. Wouldn't be standing for this if this was my DH. A much needed family holiday and he fucks off for a full day. Nah not on at all. Plus he's nowhere fucking near him 😂 'in the region's indeed.

I think that sounds like a great compromise.

If you plan your dates right you can have chill-out time before and after a mini-adventure (this is how DP and I usually do our holidays). There might even be a restaurant or another pretty destination in between your towns that you can meet up in and explore.

If this guy and his partner are good eggs I'd bet you find your effort has been worth the while down the line.

Often the best bits of holidays are the bits you don't envisage!