DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

[Clareat2021]

Me, my DH and my 4yo DD are due to fly to a European coastal resort this weekend for a week. This is a much needed holiday, I'm knackered from a long stint at work with little break. We've paid a bit more than usual as well. Not sure if that's even relevant but adds to my feelings of this is a special holiday.

Anyway, an American guy 'L' we met travelling a few years back, my husband stayed in touch with him and they've met up in the UK twice since then in the last couple of years. L, randomly is travelling around the same area whilst we are there. Today, my husband has said he wants to leave me and our DD for a whole day of the holiday to meet with his friend (+ partner who he is travelling with) this would involve a lot of travel time. He wants to do it as he may not see him again for who knows how long.

I've said no, we only have one week, if he goes off for a whole day, that leaves me solo parenting and cuts into any potential sight seeing plans we may have otherwise done.

I think my DH is being unreasonable and selfish, he thinks I am. I now feel like even if I insist no, he'd obviously rather be elsewhere and time spent with me and DD is enforced and therefore no fun for anyone anyway. I am really cross.

I dont think she will.

I really dont think he wants her there, he wants to relive his younger years where he could just up sticks to go and meet a mate and have fun without any responsibilities. He cant do that with their 4 year old in tow, so he wants the OP to stay behind with her and he can pretend he is 23 again.

I suspect that he wont go, but will sulk about it thus ruining the holiday anyway. Arsehole.

For goodness sake, Op! When we get married we don’t need to be joined at the hip to our spouse! Let him have day with his mate while you look after daughter and then day after you book yourself into spa or whatever you like while he looks after daughter! Everyone’s happy! Not every hour of every day on holiday needs to be “family time” - you’re your own person still, he’s his own person still, and if you both accept this and respect it then you’ll have a far healthier and happier marriage.
@Clareat2021

After 25 years of marriage I've realised that men just make plans that suit them & don't really consider anyone else.

So you need to make your boundaries. Sure, he can go, but two days later you're having a day off. Don't do next day as he'll either not drive back or be 'too tired'. Book a tour or activity to set the time in stone. Plonk DD with him & walk out & no excuses. I know you said you don't want that time, but if you don't set the precedent now, you'll always be sitting at home with DC while he swans off child free (which is why he has discouraged you going). It took me far too long to realise I shouldn't put myself last all the time.

They take advantage of us putting DC first. You'll enjoy the time of!!

might not necessarily “be gay” in their eyes but some form of group sex perhaps, some men have cuckhold fantasises or whatever so it’s not really about the other men in the room.

Why are you banging on about this?! The OP has said that she knows for a fact that he is with his female partner and she has no concerns whatsoever about this!

The more I think about this, the more OP sounds like she feels like she has to go to keep an eye on him. Which is an appropriate feeling tbh as it is all very odd indeed.

But what about the poor child? Ten hours in a hot car so daddy can play at being young again? Wtf?

OP, tell him no he cannot go. You did not agree to sole parenting on your family holiday.

If he is not gracious about that, book marriage counselling for when you get home. Then put a pin in it and enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Your child comes first, don't ruin their day because your selfish, gaslighting wank of a husband is ruining yours.

Yeah you’re right. And at the same time gaslighting her in to thinking she is the one out of order…

@PyongyangKipperbang

….or maybe he just wants to see his mate who he doesn’t get to see very often??

or is having mates not allowed when you’re married and a parent? Is it selfish and immature, and a distraction from precious family time?

I did say let him go and then have a lovely day with your DD + make sure he gives you a day to yourself too. However, I had missed it was a 10 hour round trip! That is a but much. I would ask him to get the friend to drive too, so they can meet in the middle at the very least. I do think your DH having a day to himself is fine (something I would encourage actually although everyone is different) but the trip is a bit odd.

How would you know the female partner isn’t involved? I think people are wrongly focusing on the men being gay, when a more likely scenario could be a wife swap/cuckhold scenario or a threesome or something along those lines. Most men wouldn’t register that as gay sex per se as they wouldn’t necessarily be interacting with each other in the moment.

Blimey, it's only a week's holiday. If each parent goes off for a whole day on their own, they might as well not bother! If that happens, I could forgive the DD for blinking in surprise at why her parents keep disappearing for a whole day. Different if it's two weeks, but a rare, expensive week (OP said they'd paid more than usual), the whole short thing should be about family bonding and family time, making memories. I cannot believe the DH thinks that driving ten hours to see this man should even be a part of that. I'm sorry, but this isn't normal and I'm convinced there's more to it.

I think you're in the right. I don't think you're being unreasonable. Who matters more, family of his choosing or randoms/friends? What do you even need a load of friends for once you're married? Plus the fact he chose to have a child with you means the child should be his responsibility.

This thread is WILD. There is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that the DH wants to shag this man, and it doesn't have to be infidelity territory for this to be a selfish proposal on his part that OP's well within her rights to say no to. "This is our holiday, we've paid a lot of money for it and spending a day alone with a 4 year old isn't what I agreed to" is absolutely sufficient.

You think THAT is more likely than he simply wants to go and be footloose and fancy free for a day or two?! 😅😅

Wow! Some life you must lead!

Honestly, I think your husband is a knob for even suggesting this on a family holiday for effectively an acquaintance at best. I’m actually surprised a lot of people have come out in defence of your husband, and wonder if they would think the same if they were in your shoes, I doubt they would! If it’s a 10 hour round trip how long is the meet and greet? Anything less than 6 hours would be pointless for that drive time. How early was he planning to set off? Does he realise he’s going to be knackered when he gets back, he can’t drink with acquaintance, and he’ll be knackered the next day! He really hasn’t thought this through at all, let alone the holiday is supposed to be a family holiday. I’d suggest his friend meets him half way, then you can all go, for a day.

She cannot possibly know that the man is with his female partner, since the holiday hasn't happened yet.

And even if he is, the man could just tell her that he's going to meet the DH.

If the man is on holiday with a female partner, and it's all innocent, then that makes it even stranger that it isn't the two factions getting together and all meeting up halfway.

The reason I keep banging on, as you put it, is because I know a rat when I smell one, and this one's about the size of an elephant.

But why does the 10 hour trip bother you? You’re not doing it. Your DH is doing it. As long as he’s there and back in a day then it makes no difference to you if it’s a ten hour journey? He’s taking a day out and wether that’s for 2 hours with his mate or 5 it’s the same day

Come on, no man drives ten hours in one day to be footloose and fancy-free. That is some hard work to be putting in to see some randomer he met in a bar a few years ago and has only met twice since. There's nothing carefree about such a punishing day out. He desperately wants to see this man, even though the love of his life and their child are right there. Why do you think he would want to put himself through such a crazy drive, hmm? Use your common sense!

You know you're being a little bit unreasonable . . . but we've all been there. You're a snipsy bit envious that it isn't YOUR friend . . . and imagine if it had been? Would you seriously have expected your DH to say no to you hanging with your friend for a day?

This thread is mad!!

So not only is he closet gay, he is involved in some weird cuckholding sex ring with L and L's partner, because that is the only possible explaination?!

Rather than he is simply a selfish bellend who wants to have a bit of a road trip and pretend he has no responsibilities, because that is just too outrageous to possibly be true?!

I wouldn’t like this, for a start Id be worried about DH doing a ten hour drive in a foreign country , I’d be slightly on edge the whole day. Its a slightly mad idea imo.

Yes, there is evidence. Driving ten hours to see someone for an hour or two is the sort of thing that people who are desperate to see each other do.

I mean, it’s going to be an exciting reason isn’t it? Sex is exciting.

Otherwise why would he logically undertake 10 hour solo drive to see a person he hasn’t referenced making a solid friendship with in the few years they have known each other? It’s not as if he’s seeing his best mate or his family. Would most people go out of their way to see a random acquaintance, and leave their wife and toddler alone in a random country, especially on a 7 day trip? Most people would come to the conclusion that it’s too much effort to see the acquaintance and would take up too much of the holiday to make it work, plus they’d rather make sure their wife/child is okay.

It would be a different scenario if OP and the toddler came too and it was a couple’s meet up.

Making a ten-hour round trip in one day to see someone, while on an expensive short holiday with the most important people in your life, is not normal. Wake up.

This wouldn’t bother me with one 4 year old. I quite like us all to get a break from each other on holiday.

Id just do leisurely hotel breakfast followed by pottering around at the pool/beach, back to the room for a siesta/quiet time and then something in the afternoon- kids activities if there are some or maybe a stroll into town for an ice cream.

I wouldn’t be keen to go with him given how far it is.