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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen party - was this comment a bit shitty?

258 replies

Hulling91 · 30/09/2025 19:02

I’m in a WhatsApp group for my friends hen - I’m not organising it but I’m close friends with the girl who is.

She put a perfectly polite message in the chat on Saturday to ask for people’s instagram user names, as she’d tag any photos etc.

One of the attendees didn’t reply, so she chased her earlier. The reply back was ‘Sorry, but given I’m 33 with two kids and a full time job, I don’t use Instagram and prefer to update those close to me personally about things’.

Just feels a bit…awkward? She only knows the hen and not the rest of the group going.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 01/10/2025 04:16

The idea was to tag people having fun

that whole "I've got to take photos to prove to the world I'm having fun" is ridiculous. It's like people filming concerts to prove they're at a concert. Big deal.

Maddy70 · 01/10/2025 04:20

It's not shitty. Some people don't like their social media being tagged in everything. I like control of what I have on mine. Many do , I don't want pictures of me drinking etc all over socials

SunnyKoala · 01/10/2025 04:45

I live in my own head a lot and do literal-too-deep-explanations like that a lot and sometimes unintentionally piss people off. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and be friendly. There are more of you that know each other than she has; you've space to be the bigger person.

Yachties · 01/10/2025 04:46

The woman who replied was probably feeling fed up with the whole event and wondering why she’s committed time and money to it.

HumphreyCushionintheHouse · 01/10/2025 04:54

It was a bit of a sharp reply. All it would have taken was “I’m not on Instagram “.

But Hen Dos are a bit much these days, and it’s possible she was just a bit sick and tired of it, and this was the straw that broke the camels back.

AnneButNotHathaway · 01/10/2025 05:09

Wow, she sounded unnecessarily angry. Could've just said she doesn't use it, no need for all the details. That was definitely a choice to be if not rude but absolutely condescending.

beasmithwentworth · 01/10/2025 05:41

If you are on a group of people you don’t know and more importantly are going to be spending time with in the near future then yes that was rude. You have to oil the wheels in WhatsApp groups where you don’t know anyone even if you don’t subscribe to everything said on them. That’s just manners. She could have conveyed exactly the same message but without the rudeness and condescending tone. ‘Hi X I’m not on instagram or any social media - thanks’ . Maybe she was having a bad day but like others, I would now be feeling a bit wary of what she’s going to be like in person. I’d still be warm/ friendly/ open minded when I met her but would have her manner on my mind.

DisruptiveCumin · 01/10/2025 05:47

YANBU, it was rude and uncalled for. Just say you aren't on instagram

Mumtobabyhavoc · 01/10/2025 06:02

Might've been feeling pressured and just kinda blew. Working with two kids would be very challenging, to say the least, so maybe Insta just seems OTT to her. 🤷‍♀️
True about finding a nicer way to decline. ie. Im not on Insta and prefer to keep my private life off sm if you don't mind. Feel free to blur me out.

Duckduckagogo · 01/10/2025 06:18

Yep, she's a snarky "I'm better than you" bit of a cow.

She literally only had to say "I don't use insta, thanks anyway". Avoid future interactions with her, she's hard work.

HK04 · 01/10/2025 06:21

It was a bit sassy but tbh quite liked her sentiment. Almost every work event, social event, hell even restaurants and bars/clubs are at it these days it’s constant photos, videos and reels. Usually posted without consent. As someone said, some of us would rather not be filmed and plastered on other peoples or a business social media and instead want to just enjoy the moment.

autienotnaughty · 01/10/2025 06:28

It was a bit snippy but also asking for Instagram handles is a bit ott and chasing her up is ridiculous.

MyDeftDuck · 01/10/2025 06:39

ColinOfficeTrolley · 30/09/2025 19:29

Her answer was unnecessarily rude, but I would definitely not want people I don't know tagging me in SM pics that I'd not had a chance to veto!

This.
Those that use SM shouldn’t assume that everyone else does or would even agree to the sharing of photos from an event they attended if they did.
But the comment was a bit ‘snobby’ for want of a better word.

AudHvamm · 01/10/2025 06:43

With a FT job and 2 young children she probably has more than enough petty admin to contend with in her life.

Rude? Maybe. It sounds like she was stressed and put up a firm boundary. Your organising friend shouldn't take it personally, and could reflect on how over-organising creates a lot of pressure for others that can take away from the enjoyment of an experience.

Shelby2010 · 01/10/2025 06:56

Depends what the initial message & chasing up were.

I would have been annoyed at being ‘chased up’ for this. And it also suggests like there may have been a lot of other annoying ideas, plans or instructions coming from the organiser and this was the final straw.

Can you tell us the plans so far? Do the hens have to have themed outfits or wear specific colours? Have crazy hen T-shirts been ordered? Exactly how wacky & fun is the event going to be?

RampantIvy · 01/10/2025 06:58

It's not a bitchy comment at all, but it is a rather superior one. I would have just said I don't use Instagram and left it at that.

I have a friend who doesn't have any social media, not even WhatsApp, so we communicate via text or email. It's a bit of a faff when trying to arrange stuff as a group because I can't add her into a group chat.

SoOriginal · 01/10/2025 07:04

What did the ‘perfectly polite’ chaser say exactly?

Lostworlds · 01/10/2025 07:05

i don’t think your friend should have chased it. Not every person wants pictures posted online so the friend should have left it.
The reply was a bit snappy but she probably felt pressured to reply. Plus not everyone sits on WhatsApp all day. I’m similar age, with 2 kids. Sometimes I see a message and mean to reply to it but get busy doing something else.

Turtleturtling · 01/10/2025 07:05

depends, she didn’t reply the first time so for me it should have been left. If your friend then chased her openly in the group with a “don’t be boring / let us know your handle etc” then her response is valid.

For me it all depends on how she was asked as I feel like their could be more to this

Sasha07 · 01/10/2025 07:11

Why are you offended? Or whatever it is. She's just said she's not on it and why. Not that no 33 year olds should be on it. Not that you are idiots for being on it. Just at 33 she's now grown out of it. That she doesn't have time for it as she's busy with her kids. I don't think she's been rude at all? Are we micromanaging what other people say this much? She's been honest and it's been taken as a dig by the sounds of it. If people want to be involved with photos, they do it. If they don't, leave them be. Sorted.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 01/10/2025 07:12

Yes she could’ve just said “sorry I don’t use instagram”.
I don’t use it to post either and I kind of agree with her sentiment as I find it all a bit egotistical but it was an unnecessarily bitchy comment.

Strictlycomeparent · 01/10/2025 07:15

She was ticked off about being chased and is juggling a lot. So she gave a slightly stronger response. But I don’t think there is a problem with that.

Alittlefrustrated · 01/10/2025 07:16

ThejoyofNC · 30/09/2025 19:08

It was unnecessarily bitchy.

Yes it was. Superiority complex too. A simple "Ah, sorry, I don't use SM" would be an apprpriate non snarky response.

ContraversialDo · 01/10/2025 07:16

She could have just said - I don’t use social media. No need for the holier than thou attitude.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 01/10/2025 07:17

Sasha07 · 01/10/2025 07:11

Why are you offended? Or whatever it is. She's just said she's not on it and why. Not that no 33 year olds should be on it. Not that you are idiots for being on it. Just at 33 she's now grown out of it. That she doesn't have time for it as she's busy with her kids. I don't think she's been rude at all? Are we micromanaging what other people say this much? She's been honest and it's been taken as a dig by the sounds of it. If people want to be involved with photos, they do it. If they don't, leave them be. Sorted.

By saying the why, she is passing a judgment on those that do use it, implying that they aren’t as busy or mature as her.
It’s not micromanaging what people say to expect basic manners. Just like if you thought someone looked awful in an unflattering dress for example, you wouldn’t say it outright.