Hen party - was this comment a bit shitty?

[Hulling91]

I’m in a WhatsApp group for my friends hen - I’m not organising it but I’m close friends with the girl who is.

She put a perfectly polite message in the chat on Saturday to ask for people’s instagram user names, as she’d tag any photos etc.

One of the attendees didn’t reply, so she chased her earlier. The reply back was ‘Sorry, but given I’m 33 with two kids and a full time job, I don’t use Instagram and prefer to update those close to me personally about things’.

Just feels a bit…awkward? She only knows the hen and not the rest of the group going.

again, OP clearly specified that they aren't really good friends, they don't even know each other. They just both know the bride. Think about it logically, if they were really good friends surely they'd already have each other on social media or know they didn't use it?

not to mention given half the people on here are suggesting sending 1 reminder message is OTT, actually CALLING her would give them a fit of the vapours.

Of course it's 'perfectly acceptable' to not use instagram - not even sure why you need to specify that because literally nobody, not the Hen, not the organiser, not OP and nobody on this thread has said otherwise! But she should have just said that, no need to be a twat about it.

They were equally rude (the chaser and the responser).

I don’t think it’s shitty - it’s weird to chase someone’s social media handle. She should have left it instead of asking again, as if the other person needed to hand over their handle! I would take it as a hint - if that person didn’t share it with me, they don’t want to add me.

That person only went into depth about the reasons they don’t use social media, as to not cause offence to the pushy one?

I had similar with a friend of a friend at the mutual friend’s wedding. I didn’t add her on instagram and told her I didn’t really use it and I am more active on TikTok. I’m in my 20s, she’s in her 30s. She got pissy when she found out I had a dormant account a year later, and asked why I didn’t want to add her and said she was offended etc even though I explained before. bunch of drama over nothing!

Absolutely no need to call someone a twat online frankly. It sounds like a petty disagreement which you need to forget about. I think your language speaks volumes.

Hmm, some of my daughters friends say things like this - I bet She’s not not on insta because she’s to mature/a mum and better than all that vacuous SM nonsense- she’s probably just worried about being tagged in photos she’s not vetoed, potentially showing her looking shite, on the periphery and not in her best light!

It was a little bit bitchy, but thats what you get when you try and force someone to hand over something they don't want to. There was no need to go chasing after someone's social media handle, if they wanted to supply it, then they'd have done it after the first request.

Chasing for insta info would definitely warrant that response.

Totally agree with this. I do have Instagram but don’t use it so I really wouldn’t want anyone else tagging me.

It was a rude and snotty reply however

Anyone else think that sounds like the type of response you expect to get from any number of Mumsnet posters? I'm eagerly waiting for harassed 33 year old mum of 2 to stumble across this thread at the end of her busy day.

All of this! Yeah she’s going in the “last worst room” category right away!

She shouldn't have been chased especially not in a group chat with people she didn't know and may not want to have her details yet.

But yes I think that's quite a pointed response because it kind of infers that anyone else who does use insta or similar doesn't have as fulfilled a life. Its a bit superior in tone.

I think expecting everyone to use instagram or any particular social media is weird. Her response was a bit precious but the friend shouldn’t have chased her and assumed that people not getting back weren’t wanting tagged. I have instagram but just for dressmaking. I don’t want tagged for party stuff on it

Her comment was a bit arsey but justified IMO. She obviously has a busy life and being “chased” for an insta handle is a bit silly really. If she gave a shit she’d have given it already.

It was shitty. She just needed to say: Sorry not to reply, I don't actually have Insta. I don't have it, but I would never put something like that on a group whatsapp. It's bitchy and self important.

She was rude. She could have just said she doesn’t really use Instagram so no need to tag her.

She was rude. I do think chasing her for her Insta handle was a bit unnecessary, though. It's not an important request, and I'd have taken someone not responding as "I don't want to be tagged in pictures/I don't have Instagram." and would have left it rather than potentially making her feel awkward. In her position, though, I'd have just rolled my eyes privately and stuck to "Sorry, I'd prefer not to be tagged in pictures/I don't have Instagram." rather than adding all the additional stuff, which definitely strikes a bit of a tone of "because I am busier and better than anyone who does use Instagram." It's just a bit dick-ish and unnecessary. Not everything has to have a point made out of it when "No, sorry" would suffice.

It was an OTT response.

But if the organizer felt the need to not only collect social media handles in advance for tagging and also (fairly bafflingly) chase someone who hadn't replied to the first request then it makes me wonder if this invitee is finding this whole hen-do approach to be OTT already and that exaggerated her response. If I had signed up to go on a trip with a bunch of unknown friends of a friend and they were discussing posting and orderly tagging of all photos before any had even been taken I would probably be thinking "oh no, these are not my people and this is probably going to be a stressful trip".

I would be annoyed if someone was chasing me for this info too. To me it's bizarre to be planning how to document the night out, and how to present it publicly before it even happens. I know that's the way it is in many circles now, but thankfully not with my friends. I'd be happy to pose for one or two photos max. Someone constantly snapping pictures all night and asking me to pose so they can curate a version of the night on a phone app would piss me off. It would put me off going if I'm honest. This woman was a bit rude but I think her point was made that she doesn't want to be part of that type of thing.

"no worries love. The idea was to tag people having fun but we are unlikely to have any such opportunity with you"

I don’t see a problem with the follow-up text. If you agree to be part of a hen do you need to just be a sport and answer the questions!

I imagine your friend has a huge to-do list and “get everyone’s instagrams” is just one of them that she’s trying to tick off.

The best thing to do is pretend to assume she meant it politely and carry on. Bad vibes can build quickly in a group of hens!

I don’t think any of this was rude. People really seem to want to find offence in the smallest thing these days.

Yeah, it's awkward. But hen organiser made it awkward first.

If I have this right, hen organiser asked for all the attendees' instagram handles. One lady didn't reply because she doesn't have Instagram.

So hen organiser publicly chased her for a response in the group chat. You haven't copied what the hen organiser said, but it obviously pissed off the lady who doesn't have Instagram. Her reply implies she felt obliged to justify why she didn't have instagram, so I guess she went ahead and justified why she didn't!

The moral of the story is: don't nag other people. Sometimes they'll snap back.

Her response came across as judgey but chasing her for instagram was ridiculous and she probably felt awkward about it

Yes I think it’s a bit shitty. She’s irritated at being chased but just reply I don’t have instagram.
I read it as implying she’s far too busy for something so silly as instagram. Think it but don’t say it if everyone else uses it it’s shitty. Bet she does if one of the kids join a sports team that use it etc.

She probably felt awkward having to say I don't give my consent to my image being tagged on social media so tried to avoid saying anything. Then the chase up felt like a prod and it was oh ffs stop chasing me!

she shouldn't have been chased and the phototaker should have taken the non response as not giving consent. So shouldn't include their image anywhere.