Hen party - was this comment a bit shitty?

[Hulling91]

I’m in a WhatsApp group for my friends hen - I’m not organising it but I’m close friends with the girl who is.

She put a perfectly polite message in the chat on Saturday to ask for people’s instagram user names, as she’d tag any photos etc.

One of the attendees didn’t reply, so she chased her earlier. The reply back was ‘Sorry, but given I’m 33 with two kids and a full time job, I don’t use Instagram and prefer to update those close to me personally about things’.

Just feels a bit…awkward? She only knows the hen and not the rest of the group going.

God no good deed goes unpunished does it. Like it or not loads of people are on instagram and all hell would break loose if they weren’t tagged in pictures. The poor organiser just wanted to make sure that she had all the information. If you don’t have Instagram then what you do is just tell the organiser that first time she asks. You don’t ignore it and then launch into some moralistic shit when she follows up with you. Hen dos are fucking shit and the only thing worse than attending one in my experience is organising it and having to deal with a load of crap.

@NoSoapJustUseShowerGel but how do you know she's judging? Why isn't she not just simply giving her reasons? She's maybe not implying anything other than explaining why she, personally, because of what she's outlined, doesn't use Instagram. Why does it automatically mean it's something 'against' the others? Maybe I'm snobby and didn't realise it but I don't see her as having a dig, she's entitled to say her reasoning.

I think the reply was snappy, but not bitchy. What easy lives people must lead to think that the response was bitchy. To call it bitchy is a bit of an over reaction IMO.

It was rude, but being chased for an instagram name is also very annoying!!

The tone of the reply was in direct response to the implicit assumption that everyone in the group is naturally on instagram. I’m assuming a lot in the group are a bit younger than the 33 yo?

It can read that way - but it can also be read as simply informative, and maybe genuinely apologetic. Given neither the OP or the organiser knows her, it's not possible to tell from just text. A lot of the replies here sound unnecessarily judgemental.

I get a bit annoyed at the assumption everyone uses Instagram etc. She could just have said "I'm not on Instagram" but that might have come across as abrupt; perhaps she thought it less abrupt to offer a reason.

This.

“I don’t have instagram” would have been sufficient.

The bit about being 33 with 2 children was a dig at those with children over 33+ using it.

She's pissed off that she's in the hen do and regretting it 🤣

I think her message was a bit nasty.. nice your friend wants to tag people, but I wouldn’t want people tagging me in random photos of a hen on Instagram. But I would just say, ‘thanks so much, but I prefer not to be tagged, I don’t put much online.’

I think its fine to say I dont have an Instagram account - nothing wrong with that. The rest of the comment was pure virtue signalling passive-aggressive bitchiness. I can imagine how tedious this person is, my god, what a cow.

No. I can't bear people who think that social media should be at the centre of everything they ever do. Live your life for the actual experience of it, not for likes on social media. No response to the request for usernames was all the response that was needed.

Nasty piece of work.
WHat's wrong with 'I'm not on IG' and leave it at that.

There is wrong on both sides here - no one should be chasing, but the reply was unpleasant. The reference to her age implies that those who use instagram are immature. She is 33 with two kids etc - grown up and not on instagram. There was no need for that.

Has the whole hendo been planned around what will look good in photos and videos so that other people can see how much fun you’re having?

I’ve seen my share of influencer hendo experiences on instagram. Behind the glamour I always wonder how much fun people are actually having - there is no way they aren’t taking multiple photos of the same thing and multiple takes of ‘spontaneous’ videos. It all seems very staged and probably as close to being actual fun as being an actor in ER is to being an actual doctor.

A simple 'I'm not on Instagram' the first time she was asked would have avoided any drama. Was she this arsey on the hen?

Well no it wasn’t because the organiser now doesn’t know whether she missed the message and will be upset when not tagged or whether ignoring it was sending some stupid signal that social media is beneath her. Ignoring a message is always rude and unnecessary, especially when someone is organising something in their own time, for free.

Perhaps she was explaining why she doesn't use instagram because she knows full well that the sort of person haranguing her for an instagram handle is the sort of person who needs more than "sorry, I don't use insta" before leaving her alone?

Why the urgency from the hen do organiser for instagram names? The hen do hasn’t even happened yet. There are no photos. It’s so unimportant it would piss me off too.

It would be far better to wait the date and check in person with people whether they would like their antics at a hen do tagged in their social media for everyone to see (surely most would say no). I would absolutely hate this and say - ‘do not even think about tagging me in any photo’.

Ignoring a message isn't rude. I mute every group I'm in because I don't want my phone pinging every 2 minutes with other people's chat. I'm not beholden to reply (or even read) any text message.

No grown up would be upset by not being tagged in a photo. Even more so by someone they aren't connected with. I'm not the expert or anything either but I'm fairly sure tags can be added retrospectively too.

The thing is with text messaging, you cant see the intent behind the message. No verbal intonation, no body language, no other clues to go on. It could be said with a smile in a jokey or ironic kind of way.
I've fallen fowl if this with adult DD for using full stops at the end of messages (this can apparently be seen as very abrupt).

Give her the benefit of the doubt. You are there to have a good time with the bride.
Channel the "Good vibes only, Hun" sentiment.

Exactly… all the posts on here that OPs friend chasing her up was rude is really strange to me. Her lack of response would have made me thought she’d missed the first message. How difficult is it to say ‘I’m not on Instagram’!?

Agree with the majority on this. The message could have arrived at a moment when she felt stressed/frazzled/whatever and her reaction was a bit 'oh ffs!'

The older I get the less I am offended by women just telling the bloody truth about how they feel without worrying that they've upset someone. Especially over a nothingy thing like this.

Tags can and should be added retrospectively - when you’ve checked everyone is happy with the photo. Nobody wants some awful photos out there on their social media. Her not replying made her position clear - she didn’t supply her instagram handle as she didn’t want tagging. Annoying organiser unnecessarily chased and got a short shrift - quite right too.

No lies were told!