To ban this girl over biscuit incident?

[Thisisnothalloween]

I may be way overthinking this, but I am trying my best to keep a calm home.

I have a fairly open house policy to my kid's friends & a few other local kids. They come round sometimes to play, hang out, have the occasional snack/drink/use the toilet & get minor cuts/bruises treated when they're playing out (we're in a quiet cul-de-sac with access to local small park). I like knowing that these kids have somewhere safe to go if needed.

Both my DS10 and DD8 are neurodiverse, and most of their local friends also have ND traits (ASD/ADHD, some diagnosed) so it can be a lot of work to balance conflicting needs between a group of them together. When they get on well together, they are great, however, small disagreements can escalate into fireworks quickly. The group are generally good at accepting & understanding of my kids quirks/meltdowns when they become dysregulated, and I try to offer the same in return.

One girl (Child A) has started to come round more over the last few weeks, mostly tagging along to join the eldest of the friends (13). I don't know her well, but my kids like her well enough to have her hang out sometimes with another couple of friends.

There was an incident recently, where another girl (Child B - ADHD with emotional regulation issues) was getting ready to leave, to find that her packet of biscuits was missing from where she left them on a table. The other kids denied all knowledge of where they were, though Child A had a smirk on her face. Child B challenged Child A, and was becoming increasingly upset and screaming at her. Child A continued to deny hiding them & was blaming another friend. As I tried to help calm Child B in the hallway (along with her mother who had come to get her home), the biscuits magically reappeared on the table 🙄
After a few angry words, Child B left (along with the aforementioned biscuits!). After briefly speaking with the remaining friends about playing "pranks", I asked the other kids to leave at that point, as my DS was getting overwhelmed with the conflict.

I am getting a sense of "mean girl" vibes from Child A from this incident, especially as I have since heard of a few other things she has previously done/said. She presents as fairly quiet & innocent, but seems to like stirring situations to get reactions from others.

WIBU to not allow Child A in to hang out anymore.

YABU - Child A was playing a childish, but harmless joke, that escalated due to Child B's OTT reaction. It's just biscuits...

YANBU - It's not about the biscuits. Child A has shown they can't be trusted & should face consequences for their behaviour & lying about it to cause upset🤷🏻‍♀️

Stop child A.

Call child A out if there were ever a next time. She sounds very unkind.

I think I’d be saying that silly disagreements and the usual kids squabbling is one thing, but deliberate nastiness is quite another and since you know she did it, she isn’t coming in.

Just be careful it doesn’t come back against your kids.

Yanbu

Are you certain it was Child A who took the biscuits? It doesn’t seem certain?

Banned for a smirk? Seems harsh. Can't you just see how it goes the next couple of times she's there?

This, it seems you're determined to paint A as a horrible bully, even without knowing if it was true or not.
Have you thought that some of the other dc don't want A around and are demonising her?
Is B used to.being centre of attention with her emotional regulation issues?

It sounds like Child A was playing a trick and then didn’t want to come clean because they were being screamed at. The smirk could well be because they were uncomfortable and didn’t know how to respond, it’s quite common for people to respond that way when they feel threatened.

I wouldn’t ban anyone over one incident caused by biscuits.

Kids being kids.

You don’t know that child A took the biscuits

This, sounds like the group (and parents) are insular and mean. Accepting they can do xyz and it's OK, but A is an interloper who should be cast out on say of @Thisisnothalloween and child B who's screaming at her is absolutely acceptable and fine.
Poor A.

YABU considering you’re not even sure who took what, but at the end of the day it’s your house.

Who decided all these kids have ND traits? Are their parents sharing this information? I’m not having a go or anything, it’s just that on MN every child seems to be deemed ND/have ND traits and as mine is now an adult I’m curious about how this unfolds in younger children, if it’s discussed between parents, etc.

Banning her seems like a complete overreaction.

These are children. They do impulsive things and fail to anticipate the reaction it will cause, and often when it goes tits up they choose the option that will make things worse. I don't know many people who haven't said or done something thinking it would be funny and then realized too late that someone else definitely didn't agree, especially as children. And even grown adults find it hard to put their hand up and say "sorry, it's my fault I did the wrong thing" when someone's screaming and everyone's staring, so it's not hugely surprising this child didn't do so in the moment.

An appropriate consequence for a one-off incident like this one was the brief but serious talk about not playing pranks.

If an actual pattern starts to develop then consider a more serious step.

A) you don't know who did it
B), most likely it was a joke gone wrong
C)stop psycho analysing other folks' kids!

I don’t know why you feel it necessary to have an open house policy for kids tbh. I’m sure they can go to their own houses for drinks and things. Bound to happen. Child B should not be screaming at anyone. Child A shouldn’t have hid the biscuits.

This

Maybe don't over analyse everything also

I’ve had to deal with Child A before and it doesn’t go well. The prank went wrong but that’s when you step forward and say sorry, thought this would be funny, sorry it wasn’t.

They are a kid and still learning.
TBF I doubt they expected the reaction from child B and didn't know how to handle it in the moment. Plus OP still doesn't know if it was child A who hid them.

I think reflect on this open house policy. Why was there a 13 year old there when your kids are 8 and 10. You are not a youth club

Think I agree with this.

You don't have to have Child A (or anyone else you don't want there) in your house, but if you keep 'open house' for children of that age, it's inevitable that you are going to spend some time refereeing their silly squabbles.

Are you sure it was Child A who took the biscuits? You don't have to invite anybody you don't want there, to technically YANBU, but it's unclear if it was really them, so there might be an awkward situation if their parents ask for the explanation.

Next time Child A is around, pull her aside (or speak to her when she’s alone) and give her a brief but very clear warning. “I like having [your children’s] friends around and I want you all to feel comfortable here. I know sometimes kids disagree, but I will not tolerate mean tricks and bad behaviour. If I suspect that anyone is being mean or picking on someone else, they’ll be banned from coming here. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

You don’t know for sure it was her. I’d keep an eye on the situation. I could not be doing with all those kids and drama in my house though, i’d tell them to play outside or go home.

You owe absolutely nobody, nobody at all, not a child, not an adult, not ANYONE access to your home - unless they are your own kids and there are even exceptions for that.

Why are mumsnetters so weirdly determined to tolerate intolerable shit in their own homes?

If you don't want her there LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS and don't have her there. It's just not a big deal. At all.