To ban this girl over biscuit incident?

[Thisisnothalloween]

I may be way overthinking this, but I am trying my best to keep a calm home.

I have a fairly open house policy to my kid's friends & a few other local kids. They come round sometimes to play, hang out, have the occasional snack/drink/use the toilet & get minor cuts/bruises treated when they're playing out (we're in a quiet cul-de-sac with access to local small park). I like knowing that these kids have somewhere safe to go if needed.

Both my DS10 and DD8 are neurodiverse, and most of their local friends also have ND traits (ASD/ADHD, some diagnosed) so it can be a lot of work to balance conflicting needs between a group of them together. When they get on well together, they are great, however, small disagreements can escalate into fireworks quickly. The group are generally good at accepting & understanding of my kids quirks/meltdowns when they become dysregulated, and I try to offer the same in return.

One girl (Child A) has started to come round more over the last few weeks, mostly tagging along to join the eldest of the friends (13). I don't know her well, but my kids like her well enough to have her hang out sometimes with another couple of friends.

There was an incident recently, where another girl (Child B - ADHD with emotional regulation issues) was getting ready to leave, to find that her packet of biscuits was missing from where she left them on a table. The other kids denied all knowledge of where they were, though Child A had a smirk on her face. Child B challenged Child A, and was becoming increasingly upset and screaming at her. Child A continued to deny hiding them & was blaming another friend. As I tried to help calm Child B in the hallway (along with her mother who had come to get her home), the biscuits magically reappeared on the table 🙄
After a few angry words, Child B left (along with the aforementioned biscuits!). After briefly speaking with the remaining friends about playing "pranks", I asked the other kids to leave at that point, as my DS was getting overwhelmed with the conflict.

I am getting a sense of "mean girl" vibes from Child A from this incident, especially as I have since heard of a few other things she has previously done/said. She presents as fairly quiet & innocent, but seems to like stirring situations to get reactions from others.

WIBU to not allow Child A in to hang out anymore.

YABU - Child A was playing a childish, but harmless joke, that escalated due to Child B's OTT reaction. It's just biscuits...

YANBU - It's not about the biscuits. Child A has shown they can't be trusted & should face consequences for their behaviour & lying about it to cause upset🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds like average teenage nonsense from a girl who was bored hanging out with young children.
We didn’t have emotional disregulation back in my day.

A isn't a teenager , A is a friend or sibling of the teenager (it is just quite a hard to read Op)

Child A ultimately caused a lot of upset for ND kids including your own DS in his home. I would ask she either doesn't do that again and if she does, she can't come round anymore. It's unfair on everyone else.

Yes, I think there is probably some serious over-medicalisation of children now. You only have to see the explosion in the number of children with SEND plans (EHCPs) to sense something isn’t as it should be.

Will there come a time when basically everyone is neuro diverse ?!

C) She wasn’t being kind but also didn’t realise the reaction would be. Don’t have her round for the next few weeks to let everyone calm down and then try again.

Considering all the other children are (according to you) ND, whose to say child A isn't as well.
Where are you when you have all these children in the house? You say in your own post that because of all their needs they can have problems so maybe if you are having that many children in your home you need to manage it better and be aware of what's going on.

God, this is mad.

I’d move out and leave them to it.

I used to have a softly softly approach to kids - those of my friends and in the locale. And then I just realised that the behaviour of my then best friend‘s sons were horrible and affecting my children and others to an extreme degree. I had been blind to it. These kids also had adhd and asd. I then decided to take a zero tolerance approach in order to give my own children security. I have never once regretted that change of personal policy.
Meanwhile my ex friend‘s kids are in trouble with the local police, and generally a bloody nightmare. Prioritise the needs of your kids and the ones who aren’t playing merry hell. The parents of the others need to deal with their own families.

Get the whole group together, tell them what you expect if you want them to play in your house and if they want to be allowed to stay and keep reminding them. Your house, your rules. Seems a bit mean to ban one girl over one incident. She needs to learn too how to get along with all sorts of people. Why wouldn't their own homes be safe too? Aren't there rules about treating cuts and wounds of children if they may be allergic in schools? Would the same not apply to your house?

First offence. I’d give her a second chance but ensure she understands such behaviours won’t be tolerated.

Allow one friend for each of your children at any given time. That might calm things down.

Child A played a prank. Child B overreacted

Don't ban either

Both my DS10 and DD8 are neurodiverse, and most of their local friends also have ND traits (ASD/ADHD, some diagnosed) so it can be a lot of work to balance conflicting needs between a group of them together.

Where do you live and why is everyone neuro divergent?

The whole situation with kids coning and going as they please sounds chaotic, are you sure this approach suits your neuro divergent children's needs?

Sounds like a circus.

We didn’t have emotional disregulation back in my day.

Yes you did, you just called it something else - a tantrum, a strop, a meltdown, crying, causing a scene, wailing, whatever. Because these behaviours are sometimes linked to ND parents excuse them and try and manage them now instead of punishing. Rightly or wrongly.

Well OP does say that all the kids have 'traits' and only some are diagnosed. But absolutely agree sounds chaotic.
Interesting though that op doesn't then seem to offer A any understanding or leeway!

I think its a case of "my children are ND, your children have ND traits, their children just behave badly"

She’s a child and learning.

i would simply have said whoever hid the biscuits was being mean and move on.

it isn’t worth the headspace you are giving it.

A shouldn't have hidden the biscuits, B shouldn't have screamed and over reacted. Both did because they don't yet have fully formed brains.
Maybe give A a warning and tell them what they did was mean. Keep an eye on them.

Banning someone over biscuits and a tantrum is OTT. If you're going to have that many kids over, you need to be able to be firm.

Don't ban A. Maybe talk to her about why pranks are not a good idea, if she indeed did it. If she denies it then nothing you can do. Personally I wouldn't do anything, it's great you have an open door policy but you don't need to police them or parent them. It's unlikely to happen again if it does then consider changing your policy. I'd be concerned with B screaming like this in your house so if A was restricted maybe B should be too. I always welcomed kids to mine but I just ignored them, any drama and it's home time for all. You are not running a play group!

It’s one incident and you don’t know for sure that Child A did it. Give her another chance.

I also don’t understand at all why whether they are ND or not is even relevant

Child A is one of those typical mens bullies who picks on the child THEYVE identified as being easy to wind up. I used to mind a child like this. and I’m willing to be she’s been targeting child B for a little while It’s a ban from me

Read my hidden chimp and be kind to the kid.

No, it’s never been normal for teenagers to hang out with 8yr olds. Don’t go around calling people unhinged because their opinion differs to yours.

Jeez. You’d actually do that?