To ban this girl over biscuit incident?

[Thisisnothalloween]

I may be way overthinking this, but I am trying my best to keep a calm home.

I have a fairly open house policy to my kid's friends & a few other local kids. They come round sometimes to play, hang out, have the occasional snack/drink/use the toilet & get minor cuts/bruises treated when they're playing out (we're in a quiet cul-de-sac with access to local small park). I like knowing that these kids have somewhere safe to go if needed.

Both my DS10 and DD8 are neurodiverse, and most of their local friends also have ND traits (ASD/ADHD, some diagnosed) so it can be a lot of work to balance conflicting needs between a group of them together. When they get on well together, they are great, however, small disagreements can escalate into fireworks quickly. The group are generally good at accepting & understanding of my kids quirks/meltdowns when they become dysregulated, and I try to offer the same in return.

One girl (Child A) has started to come round more over the last few weeks, mostly tagging along to join the eldest of the friends (13). I don't know her well, but my kids like her well enough to have her hang out sometimes with another couple of friends.

There was an incident recently, where another girl (Child B - ADHD with emotional regulation issues) was getting ready to leave, to find that her packet of biscuits was missing from where she left them on a table. The other kids denied all knowledge of where they were, though Child A had a smirk on her face. Child B challenged Child A, and was becoming increasingly upset and screaming at her. Child A continued to deny hiding them & was blaming another friend. As I tried to help calm Child B in the hallway (along with her mother who had come to get her home), the biscuits magically reappeared on the table 🙄
After a few angry words, Child B left (along with the aforementioned biscuits!). After briefly speaking with the remaining friends about playing "pranks", I asked the other kids to leave at that point, as my DS was getting overwhelmed with the conflict.

I am getting a sense of "mean girl" vibes from Child A from this incident, especially as I have since heard of a few other things she has previously done/said. She presents as fairly quiet & innocent, but seems to like stirring situations to get reactions from others.

WIBU to not allow Child A in to hang out anymore.

YABU - Child A was playing a childish, but harmless joke, that escalated due to Child B's OTT reaction. It's just biscuits...

YANBU - It's not about the biscuits. Child A has shown they can't be trusted & should face consequences for their behaviour & lying about it to cause upset🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd give them another chance and keep a close eye on the situation. If she causes any upset in the future I'd steer my dc away from her. Maybe only 1 or 2 kids in to play.

@Thisisnothalloween I think that if you want to keep a sort of “open house”, then you should expect this sort of thing, and be prepared to deal with it.
It comes with the territory of “playing out” because, as you say yourself, some kids will tag along because they want to be with a certain person, but not necessarily get on with the whole group.

I think that it’s a good space to learn about friends and group dynamics for a lot of children, even watching how these conflicts are resolved, but I’m not sure it would necessarily be in the best interests of all children.

I would say let your children take the lead. If you see things deteriorating for them in terms of enjoyment and general regulation you know it’s time to reassess.
Your kids are in the primary stage, but towards the end of primary there can be a shift, especially with girls. It’s normal to play in a certain way for a time, and then change to different interactions after a while.

Is this really how life is for some people? Reading that just made me sad, I cannot imagine being so invested or involved in a squabble over a biscuit.

How can such a small group of children all have some sort of ND?

I agree with this. Why are you policing other people's children's biscuit disputes?

I like to keep my home a calm and safe space for my DC to retreat to away from this sort of nonsense.

Kids have fallen out over daft stuff since time began, you are way too invested.
And who labels all these kids?

Its an odd dynamic to have older secondary age kids hanging around with younger primary ones. Its also slightly odd that most of them are ND (are you sure? Many ND traits are common in NT people - to actually be ND you have to be really "impaired" in several areas by those traits. Its nice that you are sensitive to their needs but ND or NT these kids will have to learn to survive in the world & rub along with others.

You didn't see her with the biscuits which makes it very hard to come down with consequences based on that. I'd limit who is coming to just the primary age kids your DC actually know well and not older hangers on.

I agree on a black and white scale to reduce child As interactions. Protect your children.

However the grey area for me is, what if their dad does pranks like this and so they don’t really see the issue. What if this child has more different or difficult parents so they act out as they lack love or stability at home. Only saying this as I was probably that child, labelling them as a mean girl and can’t be trusted seems a bit harsh if this is the first interaction. Get to know this child more and understand their behaviour

Makes me grateful my parents rarely let friends round. Home should be a home, not a youth club. Seems like some odd saviour behaviour trying to provide a place for all these "poor" ND kids...just focus on your own kids maybe.
If you insist on open house, squabbling over biscuits is hardly a reason for banning. Mean words, violent behaviours etc, sure thing, but biscuits?

Why is a 13 year old (year 8 or 9) hanging round the house of 2 primary school age children?

How old is Child A?

You are entitled to have or not have anyone in your home but it’s a bit weird to have an open house but then exclude one girl just because of ‘vibes’.

I would speak to her and give her a warning that she won’t be able to come around again if anything like that happens again.

I would have a break from all of them tbh. You cannot ban one child without proof it was her just because she was smirking.

seems a bit extreme to me - she’s just a kid. I’d keep a slightly closer eye on her but definitely wouldn’t ban her for such a minor incident.

Maybe you can say something to child A, referring to the biscuits going issuing and how unkindness isbt allowed in your house. Keep an eye on things but don’t ban straight away, specially without proof

I love having my daughter’s friends over, but they are friends - not random children of all ages.

Kindly, biscuits are the least of this - a 13 year old hanging out with 8 year olds is not ‘typically’ expected and raises red flags for me. Unless you are monitoring all interactions at all times (impossible) anything could be going on. Especially in the context of you describing your children as ND.

I would also say that occasional ‘parties’ or ‘big hang outs’ are reasonable, but your ND children are likely to need more chill and re-regulation post school. And quality 1:1 time with you to talk through any issues, concerns or what has gone well.

this sounds overwhelming for any child, ND or not.

What has ND got to do with this thread? It’s irrelevant to me.

Too many kids hanging out in your home. One or more played a trick with a pack of biscuits. Kid upset. This is normal stuff OP and has zero to do with regulation, disregulation or any other ND term. Kids are silly and mean sometimes.

As others have said, 13 yr old shouldn’t be playing with an 8 yr old. Your house shouldn’t be jam packed with random neighbourhood kids.

kids nick things from each other.

I really wouldn’t have got involved in the first place. I certainly wouldn’t know so much about other peoples children anyway to be honest.

Having loads of children in and out of my house would be a nightmare to me. I’ve got 3 children and that’s never happened.

Trust your instincts about her : She presents as fairly quiet & innocent, but seems to like stirring situations to get reactions from others.

Yes, this 👆

I agree with others that the current arrangement should probably be pulled back a bit generally and for all these kids to not be in your house all the time. I think other parents could do their share of providing drinks/plasters.

That said, if you do insist on your house being the go-to house, banning this girl over something you have no proof of (and like PP said could just be a misstep on her part and not malicious) is kind of mean. You know this will lead to her being isolated. I'm just picturing all the kids playing out and then it starts raining and they all decamp to yours...."sorry Ava you can't come in". That feels more mean to me than hidden biscuits in a spur of the moment prank.

Does that sound like a good idea? Taking a child away on their own to give an intimidating, slightly threatening 'chat'?
Especially when you don't actually know what's gone on, that she's to blame? That it could have been anyone of the other dc for various reasons- even including B?!
Would your ban threat be carried out if you discovered it was someone else?

I agree. I’d say at best, the older children are not actually friends with OP’s children, but know they have a nearby house with snacks so use them for that.

What's with the listing every child by their "ND traits". They are just children. This is demented. It's a bunch of children. A either took or hid the biscuits and then B got upset and A put them back. All totally within the realms of normal behaviour of any children

You seem to be prone to over-analysis and over-thinking (blowing this biscuit incident out of proportion; and assessing all children as having ND traits) which isn’t helping anything, including possibly exacerbating your DD’s traits.

What? It always was and should be entirely normal for different age children to hang out with each other , this is unhinged.