To ban this girl over biscuit incident?

[Thisisnothalloween]

I may be way overthinking this, but I am trying my best to keep a calm home.

I have a fairly open house policy to my kid's friends & a few other local kids. They come round sometimes to play, hang out, have the occasional snack/drink/use the toilet & get minor cuts/bruises treated when they're playing out (we're in a quiet cul-de-sac with access to local small park). I like knowing that these kids have somewhere safe to go if needed.

Both my DS10 and DD8 are neurodiverse, and most of their local friends also have ND traits (ASD/ADHD, some diagnosed) so it can be a lot of work to balance conflicting needs between a group of them together. When they get on well together, they are great, however, small disagreements can escalate into fireworks quickly. The group are generally good at accepting & understanding of my kids quirks/meltdowns when they become dysregulated, and I try to offer the same in return.

One girl (Child A) has started to come round more over the last few weeks, mostly tagging along to join the eldest of the friends (13). I don't know her well, but my kids like her well enough to have her hang out sometimes with another couple of friends.

There was an incident recently, where another girl (Child B - ADHD with emotional regulation issues) was getting ready to leave, to find that her packet of biscuits was missing from where she left them on a table. The other kids denied all knowledge of where they were, though Child A had a smirk on her face. Child B challenged Child A, and was becoming increasingly upset and screaming at her. Child A continued to deny hiding them & was blaming another friend. As I tried to help calm Child B in the hallway (along with her mother who had come to get her home), the biscuits magically reappeared on the table 🙄
After a few angry words, Child B left (along with the aforementioned biscuits!). After briefly speaking with the remaining friends about playing "pranks", I asked the other kids to leave at that point, as my DS was getting overwhelmed with the conflict.

I am getting a sense of "mean girl" vibes from Child A from this incident, especially as I have since heard of a few other things she has previously done/said. She presents as fairly quiet & innocent, but seems to like stirring situations to get reactions from others.

WIBU to not allow Child A in to hang out anymore.

YABU - Child A was playing a childish, but harmless joke, that escalated due to Child B's OTT reaction. It's just biscuits...

YANBU - It's not about the biscuits. Child A has shown they can't be trusted & should face consequences for their behaviour & lying about it to cause upset🤷🏻‍♀️

I think because your so use to having to protect your ND kids from a sometimes hostile NT world, your seeing this through that lense and interpreting it as a (seemingly) NT child exploit a known symptom of a ND child, for their own amusing. If this was the case, I'd agree it would be ableist bull shit BUT at this point, it not 100% known if that's what happened.

Child A was being mean, but did not necessarily target child B deliberately and may not have realised how bigger deal it would be (You're use to predicting ND triggers, so easy to foget how oblivious other people can be). I'd keep an eye, but not take it further unless something similar happens.

How about limiting the number of kids regularly coming home with your child for a few months. And announce clearly that you will not tolerate any mean language or silly hiding of possessions.
Your child was over whelmed.

It's done now. Let it be in the past unless something else comes up and then just be direct. It would be quite unkind to exclude a child over a childish error unless it becomes a pattern of meanness.

One child hid another's biscuits. Seems harmless enough to me.

You let your 10 and 8 year olds play outside with a 13 year old ?? Why?
And then have them in your house.
And wonder why you are having problems.
A teenager is very different to children 10 and under. She probably loves winding them up.
Sounds like your children need more supervision by adults and less by teenagers

Sorry just getting back to this thread.

Just to clarify, Child A did hide the biscuits. Once Child B left, she was muttering about how it "was only a joke". My DS, who wasn't directly involved but was sat in the same room, later confirmed that she put them back.

I have spoken to most of these kids parents, and they have been open about diagnosis, or at least looking into it. Some of it, I imagine, is due to behavioral issues & chaotic/abusive parenting rather than ND. We live in a very underprivileged area, and there are definitely certain kids I wouldn't want around my home.

The 13yo friend is a lovely girl, quite young-minded and enjoys playing with my kids, or simply coming round to escape a chaotic home life. My kids adore her & she's very good with them.

Why are so many children neurodiverse? This seems very odd.

Wait so you are going around telling parents they may have ND children ??? What ?? So are you qualified to do that or just using the aid of tiktok to diagnose ppl?
No wonder so many people blame poor parenting and upbringing on being ND when undiagnosed.

Also, how do we know this girl doesn't have some social issues and misjudged?

It's all very well to be accepting of meltdowns and emotional dysregulation, but plenty of children have slightly different issues that need some understanding as well. I think you need to learn a bit more about her before banning her outright.

Generally because NT kids refuse to play with ND kids, so they tend to make friends with other ND children who are able to accept their differences. This leads to an over-representation within this friendship group relative to the general population.

If you can't be bothered having child A round just say no, it's your house. Personally I couldn't be bothered with other people's kids screaming about in my home, my own DC is enough 🤣

Some parents are very open about diagnosis & tell anyone who will listen. Some will discuss it privately parent-to-parent. Some will not mention it, even when it is very clear there are ND traits. When you have a ND family, it becomes quite easy to pick these up some of these traits/behaviours in others, though of course there can be other explanations.

I personally will talk about my own experiences privately with friends, or a couple of local parents that I've become friendly with. I try to never make my DS's ASD an "excuse" for behaviours, he is corrected when needed. But I will explain about how he sometimes needs space, quiet time & to be left alone to regulate himself. None of his friends know about his diagnosis.

Seems like nowadays even the slightest of quirks must be diagnosed

Have the parents of these children shared their ND diagnoses with you, or are you diagnosing them? If so you need to stop doing that… seems strange virtually every child on your small street is ND

Thank you for that balanced view. I do like the idea of continuing a somewhat "open house". My kids have certain needs that mean they are more vulnerable with "playing out" in the park (which is literally seconds walk & in full view from our house). My DS has previously been bullied by other kids, who witnessed him having an emotional meltdown. So I love that their friends feel welcome to come round.

They have started setting up their own boundaries as to who is allowed in to play, versus popping in for a quick chat, etc. Some days they will say "no kids in today" and I respect that. I have days when I say the same if I've not got the energy, or if I recognise that they would not cope with extra noise/disruption.

It will all certainly change over the next year or so. The older girls will probably age out of hanging out with primary kids, my kids will develop separate friend groups, and friendship dynamics will change.

I don't want to single out any kids from the current "group", but I also don't want any of them to think it's ok to wind people up (enough to upset them) by playing "jokes" on them. It's a balance that I'm trying to figure out.

You could have typed this up op without the need to put each child's SEN problems in it.

Seems like every post i read on here sen is there somewhere in it.
Its not something that has anything to do with a packet if biscuits.

Yes some of the parents have shared this information. These aren't just kids from my own street, but locally. They make friends in the park, or are friends of friends. I'm not claiming they are all definitely ND, but ND kids (and adults) do tend to find each other & share common interests/ways of playing. Our local school seems to have a fairly high proportion of kids with SEN. We are in an underprivileged area.

Yes, excusing poor behaviour because of ND is just letting your kids become spoilt and selfish, who will then struggle in the real world as a result of your indulgence.

Im not saying we shouldn’t take any account of ND, but it should never be used as an excuse for bad behaviour.

An open house policy for local kids! Are you crazy? Dont invite kids onto your house without their parent's consent, you are laying yourself open to allegations!

I think it was a balanced view too op.

And you can always tackle the jokes by discussing it and saying you aren't happy for those kinds of jokes to be played on others - that's a much gentler stance than leaping to banning her. If it continues despite the talk, you can revisit the idea of banning her then. But I think she needs a chance at least; by your own admission you lean on people giving your dc some leeway and understanding.

There is a huge difference between having an open house policy for carefully selected friends and neighbours and just allowing friends of friends in or kids you don’t know that well.

There is too much of a gap between 8 and 13.

I always make sure that any new child who comes into my house has their parent's permission & knowledge of where they are. It's not open to all & sundry. A couple of these kids are left to "play out" or hang around the park for hours, while parents are out shopping, etc. Parents are generally happy to know that someone is keeping an eye on them.

I won't be flaming.It's insane this pathologising every damn thing.
What's it for....extra money? extra attention? for the world to adjust round you?
I'm sure I was a very odd child in a shit abusive household. I managed.
My son I'm sure has some dylexia, he's alright. My partner displays a lot of behaviours associated with autism, we cope.

Some of my quirks I recall were being certain I had magic powers and could summon up objects, obsessively reading even in the bath,sitting all day with a plastic snake hoping somebody would scream, reading too much and firmly believing I could solve local mysteries.

I would tell child a that you know what she has done and that she’s on her last warning and if anything else happens, she will not be welcome so if she gets one more chance