To ban this girl over biscuit incident?

[Thisisnothalloween]

I may be way overthinking this, but I am trying my best to keep a calm home.

I have a fairly open house policy to my kid's friends & a few other local kids. They come round sometimes to play, hang out, have the occasional snack/drink/use the toilet & get minor cuts/bruises treated when they're playing out (we're in a quiet cul-de-sac with access to local small park). I like knowing that these kids have somewhere safe to go if needed.

Both my DS10 and DD8 are neurodiverse, and most of their local friends also have ND traits (ASD/ADHD, some diagnosed) so it can be a lot of work to balance conflicting needs between a group of them together. When they get on well together, they are great, however, small disagreements can escalate into fireworks quickly. The group are generally good at accepting & understanding of my kids quirks/meltdowns when they become dysregulated, and I try to offer the same in return.

One girl (Child A) has started to come round more over the last few weeks, mostly tagging along to join the eldest of the friends (13). I don't know her well, but my kids like her well enough to have her hang out sometimes with another couple of friends.

There was an incident recently, where another girl (Child B - ADHD with emotional regulation issues) was getting ready to leave, to find that her packet of biscuits was missing from where she left them on a table. The other kids denied all knowledge of where they were, though Child A had a smirk on her face. Child B challenged Child A, and was becoming increasingly upset and screaming at her. Child A continued to deny hiding them & was blaming another friend. As I tried to help calm Child B in the hallway (along with her mother who had come to get her home), the biscuits magically reappeared on the table 🙄
After a few angry words, Child B left (along with the aforementioned biscuits!). After briefly speaking with the remaining friends about playing "pranks", I asked the other kids to leave at that point, as my DS was getting overwhelmed with the conflict.

I am getting a sense of "mean girl" vibes from Child A from this incident, especially as I have since heard of a few other things she has previously done/said. She presents as fairly quiet & innocent, but seems to like stirring situations to get reactions from others.

WIBU to not allow Child A in to hang out anymore.

YABU - Child A was playing a childish, but harmless joke, that escalated due to Child B's OTT reaction. It's just biscuits...

YANBU - It's not about the biscuits. Child A has shown they can't be trusted & should face consequences for their behaviour & lying about it to cause upset🤷🏻‍♀️

Can’t lie, I can still get on board with all of this at the ripe old age of 37.

Are we ND? Do we need interventions and biscuits?

Likely, or just quirks of personality are treated as being diagnosable. I was cursed with a speech impediment as a child - severe, years of speech therapy - but I always had friends. I suspect my outsiderness had something to do with speech, but not a lot, since both my DBs show the same characteristic (probably from my DM) but no-one diagnosed us with anything - and a diagnosis is liable to isolate a child, I think.
NB I would not invite the child who hid the biscuits (theft, after all) to my house again. Next time it might be a more permanent 'joke' and of something more valuable than biscuits!

How have we reached a situation where every child has to have a label? It's appalling. Is it because being diagnosed ND is beneficial? Ie
Eg financially or getting more attention?

The world - or at least the UK - has gone mad. Can't children just be children with all their wonderful diversity?

This. I think it’s madness to allow this. Why is a 13yo hanging around much younger kids as well? Given the issues that could arise regarding to all their diagnoses, do you really want such an open house?

"Isn't it a shame kids don't go 'out' to play any more!"
"OP, why are you letting local kids hang around at yours?"

"Parents need support, it's so hard"
"OP why are you talking to these kids' parents about their issues?"

YABU. Just kids being kids. They play pranks, it’s just what kids do. Bit harsh to label her as a ‘mean girl’

And can't they change as they grow?

Yano what that's a really good perspective..... initially I read that and was like wow A sounds horrible....... but with your post I suspect you could be right.

My autistic/adhd DD will smirk in uncomfortable situations..... and I as an adult find myself laughing sometimes in uncomfortable situations ( I've recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I laugh everytime I've told someone) it's not even funny 🙈

You clearly don't know many people who have ND children then 🤦‍♀️

My DD is autistic and is almost 11. I don't claim dla for her but I should..... but people's opinions like yours about financial really puts me off

The world was mad putting all of our children in one box when everyone is different. I have late diagnosed adult friends who have spent their whole adult life's thinking/feeling they were depressed and actually they were burnt out from being put in a box that they didn't fit into

You say about celebrating diversity..... getting our children the support / labels they need, is celebrating them

I am probably always in need of an intervention and I would never pass up on (legally obtained!) biscuits.

If your line in the sand is to ban this child over a prank of hiding biscuits then you’ll end up banning every child from your house at some point over similar silly things and your kids will have no friends left.
You don’t know for certain it was her, you’re making assumptions and judgements. Even if it was her, “banning her”, seriously? What message is that sending to her, to the other kids, to your kids, to the parents of the other kids?

“I like knowing that these kids have somewhere safe to go if needed”
If you ban a child over a biscuit prank then your home isn’t really the safe haven you imagine it is.

I will get tested if it means I get dollar.

Custard creams with no lids please.

@Toodleleetoodleeo if your dad is entitled /deserves it then claim

Agree. People laugh at funerals, my parent's just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and we shared some inappropriate laughs today.

I think it seems unfair to exclude this girl of the basis of one incident - how was she to know that it would cause that reaction? I've come across many worse pranks in my time. The screaming is worse imo, ADHD or not. My child shows ADHD traits (not sure whether they actually have it, as a PP pointed out lots of NT people have traits, I and most of my friends do) but I still don't think it is acceptable when they scream over nothing and I think it's right to make that clear.

Including 13, 10 and 8. Not normal at all and very different interests. It’s different when their siblings are forced to spend time together, but very odd socially and introduces lots of risk. Friendships are best with similar maturity kids, as OP is finding.

Add in a couple of 11 year olds and 12 year olds and it's not odd at all. It's just a mixed age group playing in the park.

I know very few 13yr olds who would want to spend time with 11yrs and lower. 13yr olds are often into the opposite sex, maybe trying vaping, talking about secondary school and the independence that brings. 11/10/8 yr olds are in a very different social sphere.

Look, it’s not working for OP and her children and that’s the main thing.

I think your (semi) open house set-up sounds lovely OP. Though you'll get loads of stick for it because this is AIBU.

Re the original 13 year old friend (not child A), OP has already said that she's young for her age and plays nicely with the younger kids.