To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

Give them a tent in the back garden to shag in.

I mean clearly your house is too small for all these people and something is going to have to give. Like why does your son have a Lego shrine room, when your step son is on the couch?

Just seems like a very weird set up, it doesn’t make sense to keep going as you are. Presumably you can’t have your step son living there for the foreseeable future, so what’s the plan there? Are you moving? Is he moving?

A college kid needs a private bedroom. There’s no way he can do well living like an inconvenience in the living room, especially in a house with small children.

You are right that we know nothing.

Every relationship has a myriad of possibilities.

You have strict family standards and to the extent that they actually work for your family they are no one else’s concern. However selectively bringing up only those hypothetical concerns that rationalise your values is disingenuous.

And did you miss the bit that this room is also the young man’s bedroom?

@IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland

He should be able to have a shag with his gf in his own bed,

He doesn't have a God - given right to use the family home as a knocking shop. It's down to OP and his father to say what the house rules are and if they agree he doesn't bring girls back for sex then that's their rules.

This. Rearrange the 3 bedrooms between the 4 DC, you and DH move into the living room.

Except it isn't just her house and she can't unilaterally enforce house rules without her husband's (actual parent of SS) input.

If she’s staying over they’ll be boning, it’s what 17 year olds do. You’re the one in the wrong here - both for barging in and for not giving the poor lad a bedroom.

And no, it didn’t mean that they went out and did it behind a pile of dustbins either as we also had the talk re sex means a potential baby no matter how careful you are

You have no idea if they went and did it behind dustbins. With your talk basically telling them not to have sex, they wouldn't have felt comfortable enough to tell you if they had. Lots of teenagers are very sensible when it comes to contraception.

I mean it’s fine to say she can’t stay overnight especially when you have younger kids but can’t exactly stop her coming over at all as that would only damage the relationship with your SS…

the bedroom situation is a bit of an issue…is it possible to split one of the rooms/have your 3 sharing the biggest and him have the box room?

Why has he not got his own room, that should be a priority. You and DH should be on a sofa bed in living room and step son should be in what was your bedroom.

He needs his own space for friends, girlfriend and most importantly his studies.

I think you and dh are in the wrong here and this has been a big oversight on both your parts.

Hes only a teenager and young adult for a short time and soon enough you'll have your bedroom back again. Children require the basics....you know like their own bed, in their own room.

Lots of couples sleep in sofa beds in living room to ensure kids have their own space, its very common.

YABVVVVVU that a 17 year old doesn’t have his own room.

They are going to shag somewhere, true.

Is this house just as much OH's as it is yours, or is OH technically a guest?

If it's OH's house too, then firmly insisting that everyone stays fully clothed and all activities suitable for inclusion in a PG rated movie when in shared areas of the house. Anything 15 rated or 18 rated is bedroom only.

If it's really just your house and OH doesn't have full rights as a shared occupant then you are under no obligation to provide a shag pad to these teenagers.

This. They obviously thought you were all asleep. They must be as mortified as you, especially the GF. Don't be such a prude, can you not remember being a teenager? I'd rather they were under a safe roof than in some of the dodgy places I ended up doing it!

Where is on? He lives with you but hasn’t his own space? If she sleeps over presumably she shares the couch with him so pretty obvious what might happen.
Would you have preferred them to use the garden or the bathroom?
Rejig things so he has a space of his own.

The "shagging partner" line is awful. Why is she not a girlfriend, but someone just round for sex? I met DH at 17 and we are still married at 44. Yes, we had sex, but we were also together as a couple, as the OP implied DSS is with his girlfriend. Doesn't need to be some sordid knocking shop interaction. Maybe they actually like each other?!

What if he says "Why is sex bad?" How does one deal with a teenager asking that type of question?

Where do you want them to have sex? In a park? If the room acts as his bedroom then you need to have rules surrounding when he gets privacy in there, e.g. between 11pm and 7am nobody goes in there unless there’s an emergency. Otherwise you need to get a bigger house or adjust the sleeping arrangements so he has his own bedroom

The father has said he has no issue with it. I'd also point out OP didn't have an issue with his gf staying over until she had caught them at it. She would be none the wiser as to whether her SS was having sex if the poor bugger had his own bedroom and she wasn't wandering through it at midnight.

What is your long term plan for DSS’ bedroom arrangements, OP?
What happens if DSS wants to study or have an early night but other family members are still in the living room?

You mention feeling so uncomfortable in your own home, in your initial post. Yet there appears to be no thought of how uncomfortable your DSS must be in his own home.
Are you hoping that he feels so unwelcome he decides to move out soon?

The step child is never part of the family.

Poor lad.

Is it not hypocritical of op to let her 10 year old have a Lego shrine in one room but 17 year old SS has sofa in living room to sleep? He doesn’t even have his own space while 10 year old has a room which provides him privacy, his spa e to indulge in his hobby. Where does SS keep his stuff like clothes, etc?

Also, and this may be off topic, but why do people keep having kids when they haven't got space for the ones they have? DH and I really considered a third child but put lots of thought into things like would we be able to afford a bigger house and if we couldn't was it fair for kids to share etc. Teenagers really value their own space, they have so little control over a lot of things that it's really important.

I don't get it, if he has no privacy you could have walked in on ANYTHING.
What would your reaction be if you walked in on him at midnight and he was having a wank? (normal teenage boy behaviour but nobody wants to see it)
Whether or not you allow the GF to sleep over the kid needs privacy.

You are massively unreasonable,
first by having a 17 yo in the living room, which from your description sounds like it is probably open plan and doesn't even have a door? Of course you can't magic another bedroom, but why can't you have the baby in with you and have the other two share?
Second, if you knew a 17 yo was down there with his girlfriend, why on earth did you have to go downstairs? Surely the washing can wait until the morning?