To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

You’re heading for trouble if you don’t show the lad more respect here. Do what you can to sort him out with a proper room. Can you convert loft space? Don’t say anything to the girl. She will be mortified enough to make sure nothing like this happens again.

Perhaps called the priest out to tell him self abuse sends you blind.

@AutumnMum28 all of this! Your DH has an older son who needs much more support that either of you are giving him right now. He needs his own private space and his own bed. If there is no spare bedroom, he should be given the living room as his own space or you could split it in two with a divider. alternatively as PPs have said you could swap rooms around and you take the living room. You seeing ‘too much’ is your fault (and your husband’s) for failing to give your DSS the space he needs.

As for talking to the girlfriend - just no! Assuming she’s over 16, she’s done nothing wrong. Leave her be.

Having said that, it appears that you have adultified your DSS; probably because he’s so much older than your kids, you haven’t noticed that he’s still very much a child (even if he has a sex life). He’s too young to be having a girlfriend sleep over, it’s too much for a teen relationship which can be intense at the best of times. I’d also worry that the girlfriend’s parents may not know where she’s really staying.

i feel really sorry for your step-son. He needs a lot more compassion and a lot less judgment … and a bedroom.

Poor kid, doesn't have space to call his own.

Why do you and your bloke need the biggest bedroom? All you do in there is sleep. Most box rooms fit a double bed. Not much else like but it's just somewhere to sleep.

I couldn't get worked up about teenage hormones. You're focusing on the wrong shit here. YOU and your husband need to take the sofa bed and give the bairn his own bloody space.

His father has OKed it.

Your use of the term "knocking shop" is very lurid and your assumption that the girlfriend was pressured is batshit (even from the OP's own pearl-clutching - yes, pearl-clutching - account she seemed enthusiastic, which was the whole issue).

It's not being taken up by Lego. It's the 10 year olds bedroom

Yep this. The OP just HAD to go downstairs and empty the washing machine at midnight and just so happened to have a look in the living room to see what DSS was up to (in his own room)🙄

@AutumnMum28 OP, everyone has been posting the same thing overand over and I'm sure you've read it all. No need for me to repeat them.

I have some questions though which might help clarify some of these issues already mentioned:
Why did he come to live with you a year ago? Was that always the arrangement?

It seems his dad wasn't prepared for it to be a permanent situation. So what is his dad's plan for his son now that he's living with you and you have another baby?

Are you all planning to move to a bigger house to have adequate room for your entire family?

You say his dad doesn't like confrontation but talking to his son about sex or appropriate behaviour isn't 'confrontation' but parenting. Just having a conversation. Does he shy away from other parental responsibilities and leaves it all to you because 'he doesn't like it'?

What did you expect to happen if you don't give a 17yo boy a bedroom?

You walked into his bedroom, at night when his girlfriend was staying over. Obviously you are highly likely to see shagging teens. If that thought makes you sick and uncomfortable then you shouldn't walk into what is essentially his bedroom at midnight! Its a miracle that's all you've walked in on thus far. I assume by 17 your DH has already talked about safe, consensual sex, and they are both above the age of consent.

You talk as if OP has no right to walk around her own home in the middle of the night! She she have been locked up for the night ?
And it's OP's home as well as her H"s. And she has the welfare of her children to consider.
But yes there should have been boundaries and rules discussed with the boy before he was allowed to have young women staying over.

What on earth! How to tell your dss you dont care about him without actually saying it! Your dh is disgusting as well. He doesn't have a room wtf!

The 5 and 10 year old should be sharing, baby in with you, SS in the box room.

Why isn't the baby in with you actually? Is it because you and DH need your privacy?

Am very sure this will have been asked but.l why does DS1 has his little Lego shrine room?
Is ds1 a joint child or just yours?
Absolutely agree with pp, you rudely walked into his bedroom!

Surely the answer would be for 10 year old and 5 year old to share, baby with you and 17 year old have the box room?

he needs his own space so you either don’t go in the living room at all after a reasonable “bed” time or you rearrange to give him spaces

I can’t believe the amount of people who think that a Lego shrine room is some room set aside just for Lego for one child rather than the small (as described) bedroom that’s probably got Lego on the walls, a Lego design duvet and and maybe some models on an available surface.

With your update - you can't go in the lounge at night if it's his bedroom. Can you get to the kitchen without going through the lounge? If not I think you need to change who has what room. He needs some privacy.

So you were happy with her staying over but assumed they wouldn't be having sex? Is it more than you saw it and your kids might have as well? He needs his own room. If he can't fit in the box room then I agree give him a door wedge for privacy at night time.

If you'd rather give the message that they would be better off not to be having sex, OP, I think maybe allowing her to stay over was a mistake.

But there is no reason you cannot change the rule now if you like, it's your house. I don't really subscribe to the "at least they are doing it in a safe place" idea.

Where is the SS right to privacy?

No she doesn't have to be locked up for the night but she does need to accept the very likely possibility of coming across her nearly 18yr old SS having a shag when his girlfriend is over if she's strolling around at midnight.

Either give the boy a room of his own or deal with the consequences.

As a stepmum to two teen boys myself (18 & 15) their father and I would be sleeping in the living room in this scenario.

How lovely for him

meanwhile the teenager pulls open his bed in the lounge every night

where are his clothes? His desk for studying? Space for his things?

Poor lad. He needs his own room and privacy. This is a crucial year for him study wise. He was in his bedroom having sex. Totally normal at his age.

Does your living room have a door?

I don't think 17yo needs to have sleepovers but it is expected that they have sex and if livignroom is his bedroom then that is where it will happen unfortunately. If he had his own room then sex in livingroom would be inappropriate. He should have his own room if he lives with you full time. Baby in your room, two share and 17yo gets his own room.

Why on earth does that poor boy not have a room?

You and your OH need to be in the lounge and the bedrooms shared between the kids. In no way is this fair that after a year he's still on a sofa bed and isn't even allowed the privacy of using it as a bedroom rather than a shared space!!

So he has no room of his own and you caught him and his GF in a state of undress on the couch?