To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

Not sure I could have a teen sleeping in the living room. I’d have to give the smallest ones the big bedroom, teen in the box room and go in the middle room with my partner. Or keep the children as they are and I’d go on the sofa. He needs privacy for sleep, study and time with his girlfriend.

How does your DSS not have a room! Poor kid.

Explain that he can’t do that in communal areas and can stay over at girlfriend’s. It’s not ok when there are littler kids in the house.

You decided to have a baby when you already didn’t have enough rooms for all the children you already have ? Put the baby in with you and your other two share surely ?

I hope his Dad's educating him about how to avoid having more children than you can house.

OP kindly, by not providing a private sleeping space for your 17 year old step son you’ve really created a situation which was bound to occur?

He needs his own room.

Is he doing his A levels without even having s proper bed?

OP, honestly I think it’s time for a room re-jig.

Either turn the living room into his bedroom, properly, or else you have the living room and he has your room, or put the baby in with you… divide a room?

Anything to give him his privacy and study space.

You need to make a better plan, poor 17 year old needs his own space - how do any of the kids get their studying & homework done etc?

Wait, what!

Why aren't the ten and five year old sharing, teen in the smallest room and the baby in with you in the biggest bedroom?

Or if your ten year old cannot be asked to share for some reason, then you and DH on the sofa bed in the living room.

You can't put a 17 year old doing A levels on the sofa with no privacy and nowhere to study - he's got no chance!

Hi, OP -

I think the ‘Lego shrine’ was a bit of humour and I am sorry people are focussed on that.

So, you and OH had settled into a 3BR before DSS moved in last year? And possibly before DC3. Nevertheless… Presumably something happened to cause the change in DSS’ living arrangements and he’s had to fit into your cosy household. All while he’s doing 6th form. His life sounds rather challenging.

If the living room cannot be made private (with a door) then it simply isn’t suitable for DSS. If it is private, I would still offer him options as suggested above.

Worst case, you and OH go into the living room. Either DSS or two of your DC get the main BR and take it from there. (If two DC take it, you and OH can use the box room as a dressing room)

But at midnight, when he has his gf over, it’s HIS BEDROOM. Not your family living room.

Blimey, you make an awful lot of assumptions in your post.

I'd say that shaming someone for having sex when they are legally able to do so and are in a presumably safe, healthy and consensual intimate relationship with contraception is disgraceful and very damaging.

You know absolutely nothing about the young people's relationship. How do you know the girlfriend isn't been pressurised into sex?
Op doesn't mention contraception as far as I could see.
And the fact they are having sex in the family living room where anyone can, and did walk in is hardly responsible behaviour. It shows absolutely no consideration for other members of the household which includes very young children.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents not wanting their children to engage in sexual activity in their home. It is down to OP and her H to discuss what level of behaviour is acceptable in their home. Just because you have a laissez-faire attitude to sex and young people doesn't mean to say everyone feels the same. And to call someone a pearl clutcher is the usual MN jibe to someone who expects different standards of behaviour is their home.

@AutumnMum28 my 6th former isn’t allowed to bring a shagging partner around to ours. I know it’s an unpopular rule on MN, but they’re our house rules. You can set whatever rules and boundaries you see fit for your own kids in your own house. No matter what others say on MN, we stand by our values and rules.

You and your husband should either be in the living room or have the baby in with you. This is a really unfair set up for your step son and also the child that has to share with a one year old.

Im surprised that he hasn’t complained to you about walking into what is his bedroom in the middle of the night.

If you allow overnights, you are condoning sex.
If he sleeps on the sofa, you need to apologize for invading his space. That is his bedroom and you had no right to be there.

I personally don’t allow overnights. It’s not because I’m against teen sex, but that is a whole different subject.

You have allowed overnights and the family should respect his privacy. There needs to be default off limits times when that section of the house becomes his and his alone.

The living room is also where DSS sleeps, even though he lives there full time

Poor lad needs his own room.
Is moving somewhere more suitable not an option?

The language is very telling isn't it? OUR family room, as if DSS isn't included in the "our". DS and his lego shrine bedroom, while DSS is on the sofa.
He's been on the sofa for a year! A whole year with no real private space at all. In that year, the OP and DSS dad could easily have had a bedroom rethink, or even at the very least invested in a temporary partition to give DSS a small portion of the living room for himself, even if he could just put it up at night with a decent airbed.
I can't imagine how shit it feels. I'd hope his dad feels crap about it, but he obviously doesn't or he wouldn't have his son in this situation.
As for him "sloping off" to college this morning-what was he supposed to do?!

The 17 year old was here i assume before the op and the 3 bedroom house so his father should have prioritised him a bedroom before he decided to have any more children. Unless he’s just turned up out of the blue homeless last year it make no sense

I was with you to begin with, but I knew the thread would go to hell after your second post.

You can't send children back, but I'll type it anyway - folks need to stop having children when it's already difficult to house their existing children. It's bloody ridiculous and irresponsible.

I don't condone parents 'encouraging ' early sex as some do here; but it will happen.
You've encouraged his girlfriend sleeping over, and this is the shit that happens when horny, hormonal teenagers share bedrooms at nights.

You are so unreasonable - this boy who is 17 doesn't have a bedroom???????

He was therefore totally reasonable.

Your DH has had too many kids if he can't provide bedrooms for them.

You have no cause for complaint imo. All your younger children should have been in bed at midnight. Poor DSS. Just doing normal stuff for a 17yo and getting demonised.

Why do you feel sick at a small glimpse of 2 people over the age of consent having sex? Just forget it.

So he was in his room and you just happened to walk past at midnight? Just tell him to keep the door shut next time.

This arrangement is hideous for him.

This now given the context that the poor sod doesn't have a bedroom at all, anywhere , not even a shared one.

'You know absolutely nothing about the young people's relationship.' Nor do you.

'And the fact they are having sex in the family living room' Which becomes her stepson's bedroom at night. OP was entering her SS space at midnight and saw something she didn't like as a result.

'Op doesn't mention contraception as far as I could see.' I'm sure OP isn't inspecting her SS penis to see if there is a condom on there nor asking the gf if she's on the pill... Frankly it's none of her business.

I agree with this. You’ve essentially wandered in to his bedroom at midnight, more fool you. I agree with your OH just forget about it, and don’t do it again. He’s 17!