To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

It's presumably also her OH's house, and his son, and he's OKed it, so... his house, his rules?

The entire room situation is horrific for the poor stepson. It's far more worrying than the OP's "what about the LITTLE children" outrage - she's concerned for them but not him?

The only thing she needs to say is sorry to him for barging into his room, sorry on top of that for failing him in terms of room allocation, and "please don't be embarrassed, it's totally normal" to both him and his girlfriend.

I was going to say shagging in the living room is unacceptable and he needs to keep it to the privacy of his own bedroom, but your subsequent update has clarified his bedroom is the living room!

He should be able to have a shag with his gf in his own bed, which is what he was doing. You were pottering around at midnight so I don't suppose he was expecting to be seen.

I think the bigger issue here is your stepson has a total lack of privacy. Even if he wasn't having sex, he's potentially being disturb by anyone who comes downstairs in the night.

How long has your SS been living with you and how often? Because adding more children to the mix when there wasn't enough space in the first place is all a bit unfair.

Definitely don't tell him his gf can't come over.

The poor kid doesn't have a bedroom in his dad's house and your biggest issue is that he's having sex on the sofa?

Your priorities are so far wrong it's frankly unbelievable. Why did you blend families and why do you have a baby when you can't house them all properly?

This is an issue with you and the father OP not this poor kid and his girlfriend. I don't know what on earth you were thinking.

Sorry re read and realised he doesn’t have a bedroom - I guess this is the wake up call that he needs one.

Who would put a Lego shrine room before actually housing one of the children of the family? Is it the 5 yo who gets this shrine? Madness!

And I see he’s your DSS not your DS, so defo your DH has the chat.

Make the living room into a full time bedroom for him, not a shared space, if you can’t give him one of the actual bedrooms. And for goodness sake get some proper curtains or blinds that can be fully drawn!

Sex aside, it's really not appropriate for a teenager to have no privacy. Is it an open plan living room? Does he have a door? Why could see as you walked past? How does he even get changed?

What on earth is a Lego shrine room and why does it exist when there's a 17-year-old sleeping on the sofa???

The living room needs to be officially his bedroom, either 24/7 or at the absolute least from 9pm a night until the next morning, at which point he needs to be able to close a door and shut everyone else out. He's only going to be home for another year or two, so that's hardly a huge sacrifice. If that doesn't work, do what PP have suggested and put the baby in with you and move the two kids into the biggest room, giving DSS the smallest bedroom as a private room. Do you really not care about how this might be making him feel?

At the girlfriend's house, if she has her own room?

Here's how you fix it - DS1 (17 yo) gets the 'lego shrine' room, DS2&3 share box room with bunk beds, baby goes in with you and DH. That's the only fair way of doing it. Beyond privacy, at his age he desperately needs a space to study and have peaceful time away from family. Not his fault youve gone on to have too many kids to house - he is DH first child and he should be treated as such. Being treated as a spare parts who's not considered while the other kids are will stick with him for life (speaking from ample experience!)

This.

He is doing what lads of that age do. You need to give him privacy when he is in his bedroom. Respecting someone’s space goes both ways

That's really sad that he hasn't got his own room.
Why have so many children with his dad op ,when you don't have space for them
Dss should have his own room ,how is he meant to study for exams without one

This is a situation entirely of your making.

On the sofa bed in the living room which was clearly good enough for her "D"SS.

@AutumnMum28 I agree with the general idea above. Is your DSS going to uni? If so, could you adjust the bedroom arrangements until he goes, just for the duration of his A-levels?

They are important, and he clearly is of an age to need his own room for his social life, too. The relationship is good for his development as a young adult, not to mention needing a quiet place to study.

So it would be: DSS (17) in the box room, 1-year-old in with you, and the 5-and 10-year-olds in the third bedroom.

I know it's not ideal, but it would only be for a year or two.

The lego shrine can go in the lounge or you build something in the garden, it can't take priority over a 17 yo, that's really unfair.

I'm so shocked your on here moaning about what you saw ...yet he doesn't have any space of his own ,and has been sleeping on the couch for 18 months .
Your failing him op .
I couldn't sleep in my own bed knowing a child in my room didn't have a bedroom
You need to take the lounge and give your step son your and your DH room
You are the. adults ,you compromise..not dss

I suppose the SS could always go in the cupboard under the stairs.

"I don’t want this kind of thing going on"

You'll have to move to a different planet.

Mine are teens now and I can honestly say I have not experienced any desire or interest in sex whatsoever since the birth of our first

I would say it has more to do with this as to why you don’t have sex when you’re kids are at home @HoppingPavlova

You need to take the lounge and give your step son your and your DH room
You are the. adults ,you compromise..not dss

But everyone is saying he's an adult, so he should be allowed to have sex in the living room!

OP, why did he come to live with you 18 months ago? What were your partner's plans for finding space for him?

I'm not sure why people think it's up to the OP to figure this out - he isn't her son.

Agreed. As a stepmum, I fully appreciate why stepmums get a bad rap when you read stuff like this.

This - and if you aren't close to him/ haven't been in his life since he was a preschooler then his dad should be the one talking to him.

Obviously you don't talk to your stepson's girlfriend instead of your stepson though - presumably you weren't really meaning to do that?

is your dad going to uni?

I doubt it. Where the hell has he been able to do homework and revision poor thing

First, I would leave the girlfriend out of it. The conversation needs to be with him. Secondly I think its up to his dad, not you and as his dad says, he is nearly an adult. I'm not bashing 2nd wives here, but he's 17 and has been living with you for a year, so you're not really a step-mum, more his dad's wife. Third, the fact that he doesn't have a room is an issue, where are they supposed to go? He is entitled to privacy as well, so perhaps there should be a rule (depending on the layout downstairs) that after a certain time, nobody goes into the living room.

No he doesn’t even have his own room 😩 that’s half the issue!!

That's not half the issue, OP, that's the full issue. Sorry, but what a stupid arrangement.