To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

I agree, but that clearly isn’t the case, and OP isn’t letting on as to why, so it’s all speculation. If there was no provision beforehand and no problem what’s happened that he’s now there full time, and how permanent is it ?

Yes exactly, how has he not already got a room, given he's the eldest or Ds0 (considering op used ds1 for her dh's second son).

Who suggested that? I’ve actually read the thread and haven’t noticed that idea being put forward.

Would you pay rent to sleep on someone else's sofa? While they got money from the government for keeping you too?

He's in education from what I'm understanding. So presumably they are getting child benefit for him sleeping on that sofa - the purpose of which is to improve outcomes for children, keep them in education for longer and take the pressure off them to go into work. And he may have a pt job anyway.

If OP cohorts the other kids - no one is on the bloody sofa !!!!

a little bit of investment in this young man in these crucial years and he could be moving on out into uni / his own place whatever …

all the younger will have time to recover from an overcrowded living space, this lad’s needs are more immediate, clearly

Nobody has to be without a room. Multiple posters have said how it can be changed so everyone has a room.

and if anyone isn’t going to have a room then it should be the parents on the sofa bed!

Nah, OP wouldn’t do that, too selfless.

You’d have a thread next week about the audacity of DSS walking in while she’s shagging her husband on the living room sofa next because it’s ’her House’ and ‘her sofa’. 🙄

The second room could have a triple bunk in it - the 17 year old won't be living there forever - they will either be off to uni or getting a job next year, and most likely be moving out within the next 2-3 years!

Also... these kids were established AFTER dss was born. If you're moving into a house or blending a family then you need to take into account ALL of the kids you have, even when a spouse has full custody or you don't tend to see them for overnights so that if God forbid the ex dies or becomes unwell etc, you can still provide properly for your own kid. This was shitty planning on the part of ops dh, and they could have made adjustments before a full year passed by- now they're reaping the consequences.

It's not about pushing any young person to be sexually active at an early age (what an absolutely disgusting assertion that is) it's about being realistic about the fact he clearly IS ALREADY sexually active off his own bat and there's an emotionally safe way to deal with that and equip him with the means to be safe and respectful with it.

Yes the issues surrounding being equipped emotionally and physically should have been discussed BEFORE he became sexually active "off his own bat".

But just because he is clearly sexually active now doesnt mean to say he gets to have sex with young women in his father's and OP's house if they aren't comfortable with that . But they do need to talk about all the issue's

I know, that's my point. They've put him sleeping in the living room but not agreed any rules like knocking and waiting after a certain time. Does op really need to be wandering around at midnight? I feel really sorry for him.

The 10 year old would be in their own bedroom but sharing it with the 5yo... at no point has anyone suggested any of the kids should be on the sofa.

You are going to have to rethink the bedrooms. The main should be given to the younger children in bunk beds, you and DH in the next biggest and stepson in the box room so he has a shade to rest, study and keep his shenanigans to himself.

Upthread. I asked the question and the answer I got is below:

Yes. Shit happens and if he's going to be there long term then I'd expect my 10 year old to have enough empathy to understand why his stepbrother needs to have a bed to sleep in after an open conversation about it. On the assumption the 10 yp doesn't have any additional needs/SEN. Just think about what message that gives to the other kids about their role in the family while their brother has no room or proper bed.

To be fair she didn't confirm that any of the other children were her OH's (which if they weren't would actually make the bedroom situation even worse)

It's looking doubtful she'll be back to the thread now though given the weight of opinion against her

Yes, the 10 year old needs to move in with the five year old not to the sofa.

Yeah, how wonderful of her, best step mother ever! 👸
I suppose she won't complain if the dh splits with her and refuses to provide them with any quality of life. Can't say she's surprised that he'll be a shit father.

No-needs to sleep on the sofa if they move things around but if anyone does, it should be the parents who created the situation.

"He's technically still in sixth form"

Doesn't necessarily mean he actually attends six form.

You have no knowledge that the OP gets any child benefit, for all we know his mum still receives that.

It's very rare that at 16, assuming he was16 when he left his former home a year ago, being 17 now, that you'd give up living in a house, again assuming where he had his own room there to go sleep on a sofa in an already over crowded house.

His choice?...we don't even know that
Not ideal, but in doing so at 16 you accept that if you're offered a sofa a sofa is possibly what you're going to get.

Do you really think any one who "feels sick" at the thought of two teenagers having sex is going to be open and approachable enough to have had any kind of conversation about sex.

You say the DSS having sex in his parents house shows he is not mature enough, but not be able to talk to teenagers about sex, 'feeling sick' at having walked in on them and not being able to handle a grown up conversation about it, also shows a level of emotional immaturity, so presumably, by that standard, you don't think the OP should be having sex either 🙄

It should always have been considered a possibility that he would end up living with his dad at least part of the time.
I understand some parents struggle to provide a room for their child at each home and there’s often some very creative solutions.

But unless the OP shares they didn’t know the 17 year old existed until recently, they have chosen to create a situation where there isn’t even a bed in a shared room for a child in that family.

That to me is cold and cruel and guaranteed to make the older child feel completely pushed out and unwanted.

Why would you allow her to stay when you know your SS has no private space? Of course if she stays over they’ll want to have sex and if he’s on the sofa that sex will happen in your living room. If you can’t provide a private space, she can’t stay over, it’s not rocket science.

His choice?...we don't even know that
Not ideal, but in doing so at 16 you accept that if you're offered a sofa a sofa is possibly what you're going to get.

And to know that, and know your dad was happy with that while another child gets their own room and 'lego shrine' how shitty must it feel that your dad doesn't give a fuck about your wellbeing other than to provide you with the Maslow very base need.

The girlfriend staying over isn't even the point really. This poor boy deserves privacy regardless. Can you imagine living for a year with a sleeping arrangement where your parent's partner feels able to wander through at any time of night? Outrageous behaviour on the part of the OP.

Then that's up to his dad to sort out.
Not on the OP.

Again we don't know what his living conditions were like with his Mum,

Incidentally the other parent that's supposed to look after their DC 's well being.