To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

Wow what a stretch (load of bollocks)
all we know is he attends six form, has a girlfriend, and lives in the family living room !!!
and then is considered despicable for being intimate with his girlfriend who is allowed to sleep over - talk about setting the lad up to fail !!!

Put the 1 year old in with them, have the 5 and 10 year olds sharing and let the 17 year old have his own room.

It’s not about ‘magicking up’ a room — it’s about not playing Victorian matron when you wander into the bedroom you yourself assigned him. If OP and her husband had thought ahead before shacking up and producing more kids, they might have realised his existing children don’t just vanish. You can’t cram him into the lounge, call it his room, then clutch your pearls when it functions like one.

If the living room is also his bedroom then you are being very unreasonable.

get a lock for the door so that when it his bedroom, he has some privacy.

Agree with others he needs his own room.

10 and 5 year old in the second bedroom, baby in with mom and dad and 17 year old gets the box room.

Or put a triple bunk in the second room and all three of the younger kids in there.

As for the no sex under our roof peeps - my mom and dad did that - not allowed to sleep in the same room as my BF, even after we were engaged and right up until the night before we moved into our own place at 19!

His parents did let us sleep in the same room, so we ended up spending most of our time there, just for my parents to moan they never saw us 🙄

I still think they are ridiculous for it now!

And again would you throw a ten year old out of his established bedroom to sleep on the sofa, to make way for a seventeen year old who wasn’t living in the house until recently ?

And grateful for being treated like a second class citizen compared to the shiny new golden siblings.

Maybe he should just be shoved in the cupboard under the stairs and be done with it

They agree boundaries but ultimately given that he didn't even stay over until a year ago (since he's got to 16 with no bed I'd say that's a reasonable guess) it's coming across like op hasn't exactly been a hands on step mother to date. So while yes she can have a conversation with her dh, no I don't think she gets to dictate how her dh parents his son. And this is the difficulty for blended families. There's compromise involved. If dh is happy for him to have sex and preference is he does it safely under their roof then they set boundaries around how he does that respectfully and discreetly. If you want to dictate how kids in your family are raised you don't marry someone who already has children.

And how long with that arrangement last - babies grow, and not everyone can afford to upsticks and move.

Yes I'm understanding it....

Are you not understanding that some parents whether they have bio or step children charge their DC rent inorder to be able to afford live.
Feeding and running a house in today's climate doesn't come cheap and at 17 even a PT job would benifit the DC.

I would have made the 10 year old share with his 5 year old sibling. The 10 year old doesn’t need his own “Lego shrine” he can share and the 17 year old can have the box room. Baby in with parents.

it may not be ideal but it’s a hell of a lot better than a 17 year old not having any privacy in his own home.

No need for anyone to sleep on the sofa when the 10 and 5 year old can share a room which is what many of us have said

No - I'd move the five and 1 year old into the 10 year olds bedroom and give the 17 year old the box room (or have the baby in with me)

Have you heard of grey, it's not black and it's not white.

All the these comments are all well and good, but these kids were established before DSS moved in and if there’s no scope for moving and upsizing, or extending, what are they supposed to do ? We need to know why the change, and why full time.

I think that if people are mature enough to have sex, they ought to be mature enough to know that family members don’t want to be able to accidentally walk in on them doing it. Your stepson didn’t show that maturity, so I think it’s fair to say his girlfriend no longer gets to sleep over at the house. You’ve got young children who could have easily been the ones to walk in.

Should he have his own bedroom? Yes, if he’s living there full-time. He’s at an age where he needs privacy. But that doesn’t excuse the fact that, knowing he didn’t have that privacy, he was immature enough to have sex in a communal area of the house.

Yep, I was answering in the context of the ‘quick make a decision’ question.

Yes. Shit happens and if he's going to be there long term then I'd expect my 10 year old to have enough empathy to understand why his stepbrother needs to have a bed to sleep in after an open conversation about it. On the assumption the 10 yp doesn't have any additional needs/SEN. Just think about what message that gives to the other kids about their role in the family while their brother has no room or proper bed.

Read that back to yourself. ‘Allowing her DSS to move in’. He’s not some stray dog she’s doing a favour for — he’s his father’s son. OP isn’t the landlady, she’s the stepmother. This kid is family whether she likes it or not. The fact anyone would even frame it as her ‘allowing’ him a place under his own dad’s roof says more about your attitude and mindset than his behaviour.

It’s not communal space. At night it’s his bedroom. Full time. It’s the only space he has whilst the rest of the family have their own bedrooms. It should be a definite rule that nobody else in the family enters the lounge between certain times. A 17 deserves his privacy.

Well either way someone is going to be without a room aren’t they ? How do you explain to a ten year old why they are now sleeping on the sofa ?

The DSS should always have had his own space at his dad’s house. He existed first.

It’s not going to be because he had any good options is it ???

OP and the dad should be enabling this lad to complete sixth form successfully so he can go and have a good life hopefully,

you’d hope he isn’t going to be vilified for struggling in any way given his difficult living circumstances

The "living room" needs to become his private bedroom - it's untenable him not having a private space. No wonder they were at it if that's the only space they have.
It's very unfair that your other children all have their own bedrooms (albeit shared but they're tiny) AND a communal area, when an almost-adult has no personal space at all.

Thinking about it, the best option might be to give him your room and you and DH sleep in the living room.

At night time it’s his bedroom. Nothing communal about it. Don’t want to see something? Then don’t walk into someone’s bedroom in the middle of the night. Why are the young children supposedly wandering around at night? Does that go the same for OP and her husband? No sex because the kids could wander into the room in the middle of the night??