To tell stepson’s girlfriend she’s not sleeping over again after what I walked in on??

[AutumnMum28]

DSS (17) has had his girlfriend over a few times now, I’ve been fine with it, they sit in the living room with snacks and films etc, nothing major. Last night OH was on nights and I went up early with baby (who doesn’t sleep 🙄). Came down about midnight because I’d left washing in the machine and nearly had a heart attack when I walked past the living room… let’s just say I saw FAR too much, blanket half on the floor, both of them half naked 😳 I honestly feel sick even writing this.

I didn’t say anything in the moment, just stomped upstairs, but now I feel so uncomfortable in my own house. I’ve got younger DC (10, 5, 17mo) and it just doesn’t sit right at all. He’s technically still in sixth form, under our roof, and I don’t want this kind of thing going on.

OH says “he’s nearly an adult, better they’re safe here than in the park” 🙄 but I don’t want my home turning into a hotel room. I don’t even know how to look her in the eye now, poor girl looked mortified too.

So AIBU to tell him she’s not sleeping over anymore? Or do I need to suck it up and accept it?

I'm not trying to be rude but what did you think they were getting up to? Sharing popcorn?

Eh? Why?

So what does OP do - they can’t magic up another room.

Homeowner or not he is a child she is responsible for. He should have a bedroom FFS. The fact he doesn't is disgusting and the OP has completely buried the lede. It's literally the bare minimum to provide a private space for a child living in the home.

Seems like a choice was made at some point that this lad didn’t need a room at his dad’s house. Blending a family and adding more children is a choice.

You don’t get to shove a teenager into the living room for a year and then clutch your pearls when he treats it like a bedroom. If you label it his space, then it is his space — you can’t downgrade it back to ‘communal’ just because you didn’t like what you walked in on.🙄

What tf is wrong with you? You've absolutely nothing to suggest that. So now only adults who are clean and tidy and do their dishes are allowed to have sex? Your argument is nonsensical.

Did you understand my point about childhood being a scale? Legally he's a child. Legally at 17 there's also a whole pile including having sex that he can do - why? Because -crucially to this argument - it's deemed as appropriate for his age and capacity.

And most importantly, his father as his parent in this scenario, has set the boundary that he's allowed to have sex and overnights with his gf.

Her and her DH should either have the baby in with them and the DSS go in the box room or they should take the living room themselves.

But what do you expect when he doesn't even have his own room?

I mean, as long as ds1 has his lego shrine, I guess that's more important than a sixth former having his own room for study and privacy,
Oh wait, no it's not.

And presumably he's been living with his other parent until a year ago and has now moved in with his DF and his family that was already at full capacity, space-wise, before he arrived a year ago (for a reason OP hasn't explained). I think OP has been very reasonable allowing her DSS to move in and creating an over-crowded living situation - she shouldn't now be made to feel uncomfortable in her own home.

Social decency is providing for a dependant -
he is still in formal education
he is being treated like a hobo in his own family

social decency is giving privacy and space within a family setting,

social decency is about not giving mixed messages - you can have your girlfriend stay over, and sleep with u but no intimacy ??

this is your bedroom but it is our family lounge - social decency says we have moved away from such Victorian slum dwelling for our children

this young man must only have access to the toilet for any privacy ….

is that all he is worth ?? Let’s try and aim a little higher rather than justify this situation ???

If he’s a child he shouldn’t be having sex, so adult.

So OP doesn't get any say about what goes on in her home and she just has to suck it up, does she?

And again, how do you magic up another room ?

That seems very unfair considering the OP has said nothing of the sort about him.
Just because he has sex with his girlfriend he's suddenly some sort of slob who throws his clothes everywhere and leaves dirty plates out? How does that tie together?
I'm assuming he has no bloody space to put his pants anyway seeing as he isn't even afforded a bed in his own home.
We don't have to decide if he is an adult or child. He's 17. That's what he is. Old enough legally to do some things and not others.

Exactly, Minnie. Why should we decide when neither fits.

This isn’t some binary quiz where you tick ‘child’ or ‘adult.’ Seventeen is late adolescence — not fully grown, not a kid either. That’s exactly why blunt takes like this don’t work. Nuance matters here, not fantasy categories that ignore reality.

Maybe he, and his girlfriend also don't eat any food OP may buy, watch TV, use the broadband, take a shower, wash his clothes or use any gas/electricity while they're there.

Yes, she could have said no and had him go into care or left him on the street... how very reasonable of her to do the bare minimum.

The attitude of some posters on here is actually depressing. I feel so sorry for this lad. He's now supposed to be GRATEFUL to his father for parenting and putting a roof over his head and GRATEFUL to his step mother for allowing it.

There’s been plenty of suggestions - the main one being the 5 and 10 year old could share a room, the baby go in with the parents and the DSS has the box room.

Or is the sofa is his bed, then have a cut off time where the living room is off limits so he has a private space.

Shock horror.
You’re being ridiculous if you think some 17 year olds don’t have sex. He’s above the age of consent.

He needs his own room. Could you convert the dining room, or have a structure put up in your garden for him.

Why did you and your husband have 3 kids when there was already a stepchild to accommodate. The poor kid should always have had his own room. If that meant you could only afford to have 1 kid yourself then so be it. Thats the choice you make when you marry a man that has a child already if you cant afford a larger house. I feel sorry for step son. Not having his own private space will make him feel he doesn't really belong. He needs privacy.

Are you not understanding that this is her step child? He's not some hobo relying on their benevolence. He's a child of the family and should be provided for as such.

I get he’s nearly grown up but surely in OUR family living room when the little ones could come down any time isn’t on?? @AutumnMum28

But it's not YOUR living room, is it, if it's also your dss's bed.

And where does he keep his things, and where does he study?

Why don't you swap with him then if it's YOURS so much.

And why are the little ones wandering around at night??

Read the post again. It’s DS1’s bedroom. A three bedroom house. DS1 has one room - Lego themed - the other two children share and OP/DH have their room. What do you suggest, that OP throws a ten year old out of his own room to sleep on the sofa ? I think we need to know why DSS moved in to be honest because something isn’t right here.

Yep. Think we can see who is the golden child and who is Cinderella in this family